On friday, my WH had classes in the morning at the local community college and then was going to take a drug test for a new job that he just got that starts on tuesday. Normally, he is home from classes between 11-11:30, but friday he got home at 1:30, saying that the drug test took forever because he had to wait to be fit in around appointments. However, I checked his phone usage and saw that during his classes, he was texting another classmate, a woman. When he got home, he went to sleep saying he had trouble sleeping the night before and was very tired. Once I heard him snoring, I checked his text messages. He asked this woman to breakfast after he was finished with his classes. They drove to an Ihop in our car at his instance. The charge on our bank account is for $11.85 so I don't think he paid for her food. However, he lied straight to my face. His drug test didn't take too long, he was out having breakfast with another woman. I have since asked him about the bank charge and he said he was hungry but offered up no information on the fact that he went with someone. I do not believe anything has happened between them from the nature of the messages, it is all about school and they do not text often at all. However, I believe that he wants it to go to another level in the future given his craigslist activity.
Am I crazy to wait and see how this plays out? I am certain that I no longer want to be married to him, but we have a two year old daughter. He makes no effort to help with her and he is only interested in playing video games, sleeping, and working on his motorcycle. I am starting to collect evidence, taking pictures of emails and putting them aside for when I confront him. He has another month of school before the semester is over and I have decided to wait until the school is over to confront him with his activity and give him an ultimatum of changing completely or leaving.
In the mean time, he is noticing my change in behavior with him and keeps pressing me on what is wrong. I keep telling him I am feeling under the weather or am tired and he seems to be buying it for now. I want to do everything possible to protect my daughter and myself.
Am I crazy to wait and see how this plays out?
If he hasn't gotten physical with anyone you could save yourself a whole lot of hurt if you blow this up now...
Be prepared, have your evidence. Demand IC/MC and I would get IC for you as well.
I wouldn't give it the opportunity to get bigger than it already is.
ETA: Don't let him minimize this with "I didn't do anything" Married men DO NOT troll Craigs list for no reason!!
[This message edited by karmahappens at 4:02 PM, October 27th (Sunday)]
I agree with karma... Get this out now...
You're frightened. You're hoping that if you rugsweep and deny, that this will turn out to be "nothing" and you won't have to deal with your entire life blowing up.
Your life has already blown up. Open your eyes.
I'm so, so sorry. (((HUGS)))
I want to do everything possible to protect my daughter and myself.
Consider seeing a lawyer for a free consultation and find out what you can expect if it comes to D. If you are in a situation where you can set up a separate bank account and move 1/2 joint assets there the day before you confront, so much the better. Do not expect him to be immediately remorseful. You may have to be prepared to be your daughter's sole emotional and financial support once the confrontation takes place.
Personally I woud let it play out and nail him because right now all you can technically get him on is placing and answering ads - which he will swear he never followed up on. He was just bored, goofing around blah blah. That's what I got from my WH.
It's your call: I'm glad I knew the truth and even though I am sure there is much more I will never know, it gave me clarity and resolve in moving forward with the divorce to have concrete evidence (tapes) of adultery. Some people say they know enough already without needing more.
I have made excuses for him so many times over the years due to his troubled upbringing and then health issues that occurred within the military, PTSD and TBI. This blue me out of the water this time because I finally felt secure in our relationship. We had connected so much over the last year and half, it felt like he was absolutely my best friend, even in spite of his selfishness.
I have a job interview on Thursday, at this point I just want to make it through till then. I've had two phone interviews and this is the face to face interviews. If I can secure this job, I will be in a place to put aside money for a D. Up until now, I've been a stay at home mom and wife while being a full time student. I'm due to graduate with my BA in a year and this job is in my career field and has the potential to lead to big things for me.
My parents know everything now. It came pouring out on Friday when I could no longer contain my sadness and had a nervous breakdown in front of my mom. They are in full agreement that he should leave but know I have get my ducks in a row so to speak. I never imagined my life going in this direction. We married young, at 20 and I never imagined at 26, I'd have a two year old and be faced with a divorce.
They are in full agreement that he should leave
Be careful, and make the decisions for you and your future based on what YOU want and need, not what your parents or others expect from/for you.
This morning he ditched school for the thousand time and I had my mom watch my daughter so I could go buy some clothes to wear to my interview on thursday. I haven't had a job since 2008, so I really needed something new. I asked him if he wanted to come with me since he needed to get some shirts for his new job tomorrow and he said yes. Once we got into a store, his mood just shifted off balance and he ended up leaving with nothing after my trying to help him pick something out. I guess he will wear what he wore to his interview and then buy something on his own after that.
All I know is that I am done. I'm done babying him, I'm done helping him, I'm done worrying about what he needs to do to be a grownup. He tries to put his arms around me and I just want to slap him away. I've put up with so much crap over and over again and this is not the example I want to set for our daughter. I deserve more and she deserves more. We deserve someone to wants to spend time with them. Every time I try to engage him in a family event, he just acts like it's the last place in the world he wants to be. Like we are infringing on his free time.
I'm taking this time and worrying about myself and my daughter. I'm putting all my energy into preparing our future without him.