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soconfusednow (original poster member #40078) posted at 11:07 PM on Sunday, October 27th, 2013
I love my husband. I want to have a healthy happy M with him. I don’t know if it’s possible. I just can’t seem to let it go. The constant wondering, the anger at myself for needing to check-up, the stories I make in my head, the frequent crying, the way I deceive him before I start looking for things…………the list goes on.
I’m beginning to think the A didn’t completely destroy our M, but my reaction to it will, if something doesn’t change soon. This is not something WH is putting on me, but something I’m putting on myself.
He understands it will take time & tells me that. He answers all my questions, lets me look at things, has given me passwords, encourages me to talk to him instead of making a mountain out of a mole hill (which I frequently do), listens while I vent…etc.
Our M is not where it should be, but it’s better than it has been in years. I wonder if a temporary separation would help or hurt our situation. How are we supposed to work on our M if we are apart? How can I find some peace if we are together? I feel like I need a break from it all.
D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50's WH 50's
NC-several, last broken NC 7/2013 (?)
Married 30+ years, 2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?
devasted30 ( member #39439) posted at 11:53 PM on Sunday, October 27th, 2013
I could have written this exactly. I feel the same way you do. I cannot imagine my life without WS, but I cannot nor will I live my life the way it is now. My WS is doing everything right - it's me. I'm angry and bitter. How could he have done this??????? How could he have done this????
I don't know if a separation would work. I feel that you need to be present to make a marriage. If I had been present and not so selfish my marriage might not have gone through this. Mind you, it was my WS who cheated - who went looking elsewhere. He never even gave me a chance. He didn't want to either.
He deliberately went looking.
So, to answer your question - I don't think that a trial separation will work. But, if the anger and hurt don't go away, what do we do?????
[This message edited by devasted30 at 5:55 PM, October 27th (Sunday)]
And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!
2boys11 ( new member #40551) posted at 1:45 AM on Monday, October 28th, 2013
I know for me a separation would not work. When we are separated when he travels for business (he is gone 2 weeks at a time), all it teaches me is how to live without him. And honestly? Sometimes it's easier without him right now so don't tempt me!
We do much better and make more strides towards R when we are living together and seeing each other regularly.
I am in the same state you are and it feels terrible, like it will never end. I am hoping IC and MC will help me with it. I think that's more of an answer to it than separation is.
Sorry I have nothing else to offer--we are in the same boat!
Good luck!!
BS - Me, 36
FWH- Him, 38
Married 10 years, 3 beautiful kids 6 and under
DDay - Sept 13, 2013
TT for 7 months
Raven96 ( member #40298) posted at 2:36 AM on Monday, October 28th, 2013
I could have written your post word for word.
I don't think a separation will help. You need to communicate and work on your M together, and if you're not together I think it will add another layer of difficulty. If you feel you need a break, can you go somewhere for a couple of days to regroup? Can you do an "in-house" separation for a little bit? You would be under the same roof but would have your own territories.
Please remember not to be too hard on yourself. This takes 2-5 YEARS to recover. I think things get easier as time goes on. I know I for one wish that I could just jump to the other side, but unfortunately we have to go through this. Remember to be good to yourself!! 
(((soconfusednow)))
Marriage isn't a test, so why cheat?
breakingpoint ( member #40963) posted at 3:30 AM on Monday, October 28th, 2013
We are currently in separation. It has its up and down sides. A plus is free time to think, go to counseling, make yourself happy. You do get some clarity about your part in the making of the troubles Pre A. Its good to reflect, but hard not knowing what the other person is thinking.
Its also hard when one person desires more communication than the other.
My husband is an introvert and I think he really needed it to think. I am an extrovert so i have been resentful not to have the contact that I want to have while working on this. I have however, gotten used to being alone a lot and its not as scary as I thought it would be. So if things don't work out, I am not scared to death to be a solo gal.
If you are in no way considering divorce, it could pull the two of you apart more than you want. But if you are wondering if that would be best as far as staying together or not, you would get perspective.
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