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RealityBlows posted 10/27/2013 19:00 PM

First some quick info for context: Married 22 years, three young kids, three weeks post discovery. Have been happily married with only petty arguments in our history that always seemed resolved with good honest communication. My wife had her first(only)affair with a co-worker that started three months ago. It started as texting, then sexting and then she drove an hour to his home and had an all day sexual marathon. Then, a month later she went back out to his house and had another brief sexual encounter. She would text him about 20-50 times a month over the three month affair period. Never any phone calls. She claims it was physical and not emotional. She says that the affair was in its death throws before discovery and that she was considering ending it. She says the AP was not returning attention, and not emotionally into it. She says the sexual encounters were unrewarding and left her appreciating what we had. She says she did it for validation and attention and affection which was lacking in our marriage(Which was news to me). We were in the thick of busy family life. She has been doing everything right according to the R. playbook and to my satisfaction. She seems very comitted to R. She is quite convincing that she is not interested in recontact and I have seen no evidence to the contrary.
QUESTION: She occasionally runs across this person in the work place. She loves her job and all her close and long time friends there. She would rather keep her job but will quit if I insist. It would be very difficult on the family if she had to quit and commute long distance and would also be a safety concern. She is confident that this is a non-issue and is overkill "In her particular situation". She swears that she is absolutely over this guy and that the whole affair was completely unrewarding except for the build-up, foreplay, anticipation, etc. She claims she has no feelings for this guy and has not been tempted at all to recontact.
Should I insist on her quiting her job? I would like to also hear from WS's who were in similar situations. What are the risks?

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 7:16 PM, October 27th (Sunday)]

Zayda1 posted 10/27/2013 19:13 PM

If I were in your situation I would say "quit the job".

I had to move my children to a different school to maintain no contact.

Affairs are horrible and have horrible consequences. If she doesn't want to quit then you will know where you stand.

mchercheur posted 10/27/2013 19:28 PM

Hi RealityBlows,

My WH had an A with a divorced (no kids) coworker who he sat next to all day at work. You can read my story for more details.
On Dday, I asked him to leave (he moved in with a relative a couple of blocks away).
WH is near retirement age, & has a very specialized job---if he quit, it would be difficult to find a comparable job----if he could find one at all at his age in this economy. Having 4 kids ( 2 in college), I realized that whether we R or not, we could not afford a decrease in his income.
I asked him to transfer to a different building ( different location) but it would have meant a slight change in the nature of the job, & WH did not want to.
By 1-2 wks after DDay, he got himself transferred to a different part of the building. OW continued to contact ( text, phone, & visit him in his new location) for several months. WH kept lying & telling me that there was no contact, but on my few days off, I followed them at lunch time & caught them having lunch together. Since he would not stop contact, we were separated for 5 mos. I can't tell you how traumatic this was to me & our 4 kids.
It took my going to a lawyer, setting up an appt with a divorce mediator , & taking my wedding ring off & handing it to him, for him to finally stop all contact with her.
He says that now he avoids to the best of his ability seeing her in the building. How would I know if this is true, since I am not there. I will never trust him completely again.
Every morning when he leaves for work, I wonder if he is going to run into her today.
I think I made a big mistake by not insisting that he leave that building.

I am 100% convinced that we would be much further along in our R if OW was not still in our lives. I feel that it would make a big difference if she was just completely out of the picture.

Only you know if you completely trust your WW.
Believe me, you will always be wondering if she has run into OM.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 8:54 PM, October 27th (Sunday)]

soconfusednow posted 10/27/2013 23:34 PM

OW continued to contact ( text, phone, & visit him in his new location) for several months. WH kept lying & telling me that there was no contact,

I could have written this. My WH repeatedly asked for NC just to stumble & fall again when OW would come around. After 6 months he asked a coworker to help keep OW away. I think the FOG has cleared now, but…..I wish I was sure. Every day I wonder, is it real or has the A gone so far underground I can’t find it?

I guess it depends on you & your needs.
Can you live with the fact that they will see each other at work?
Are you positive the A is over?
Do you think she is strong enough to resist the temptation?
How difficult would it be if she quit her job?