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Ashland13 posted 10/27/2013 19:51 PM

One thing that stood out a lot is talk of guilt, directly after false R ended.

When I'm consumed with a thought about the A, I tend to turn to reading. The web has some interesting things on the topic, but one aspect pegs the XPervert to a T. It talks on Wikepedia of "projection", which is exactly what he does.

This is the blame that the WH puts on the BS, if I read it right, and it's apparently a way of warding off guilt. If a problem is made the fault of someone else, a person who actually did the wrong apparently can try to stave off guilt.

I thought this was very interesting and it helped me immensely. It said that it's a defense mechanism.

So now I search for ideas on how not to let this happen or to combat it. I already do somewhat and it's not easy- the XPervert will call it "arguing". It's not arguing, though, it's the truth he simply does not want to hear.

I didn't know if this would help anyone else, but it gave me a lot to think about and made me feel an ounce better about myself. Some of the blame game is simply false and very easy to know is a farce, but some is very well calculated.

Wikepedia is questionable, as a resource, granted, but sometimes they have the same info as other places. It's a "grain of salt" kind of site, and possibly same with the concept, but it gives something more to do than just being upset.

Eyeofthetiger posted 10/27/2013 20:23 PM

This is my WH as well. He had this guilt even before I found out. He left me but ended things with OW and blamed it all on me nagging. The eventually it was our relationship as a whole.

Housefulloflove posted 10/27/2013 21:22 PM

This happens here as well. I actually just mistakenly gave my ex another opportunity to project. I think he does it all day everyday even though we barely interact directly. Every thought he has about me and the situations his infidelity and our divorce has caused is that I am the cause of it all. I guess it's how he deals with the insane amount his life has downgraded since our breakup. He behaves as thought I was the one who cheated on him. Sometimes I think he created an alternate reality in his head where I did everything he did and he was the one at home being a husband and father while I was somewhere else disrespecting him in every way possible.

In his position I would be on antidepressants, it's so pathetic. He just keeps truckin' along and making things worse without the slightest hint that he feels regret and wants to do a single thing to make anything better (even if it would be for selfish reasons if he did). It's like he really can't get that he ruined his whole life but projection is probably a major factor in why he won't even feign being apologetic for the sake of self preservation. It boggles my mind.

[This message edited by Housefulloflove at 9:26 PM, October 27th (Sunday)]

confused52204 posted 10/28/2013 10:07 AM

I feel super guilty. My WF has guilted me. Said that I'm turning my back on him when he needs me most. He was on craigslist for 2 yrs of our 3 year relationship. Searching for men and women. Claims it took his mind off other problems. We purchased our home together and 1 week later I found all this out. I've been trying for 1 year, I just can't do it any more. If have top many unanswered questions and too many lies!

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