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Feeling like 2nd choice

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roarlouder posted 10/27/2013 21:47 PM

My WH has a LTA- 5 years, even was happening when we married. Obviously there were feelings involved. I know he love(d)(s) her. I can't help but wonder if he chose not to leave me for her, or go to her on DDay only because we are already married, have a life together, and he knows he could never bring her around as his gf or wife because of the circumstances. It hurts, it makes me feel like a fool. We are in MC and he's doing everything right to work towards reconciliation, but I don't want to be second best...
I don't want him to choose me because logically it makes sense. It has me thinking maybe I should detach, and if I stay approach this from the angle of a business deal...not love. I used to think I could count on him for anything, but all I see when I look at him is a stupid, insecure, weak man.
I know I am worthy of a good man, I know he doesn't deserve me...I wonder if one day he will, but I don't even know if that's what he really wants. Is he acting like just because of the shame and it seeking like the logical, right thing to do?

Raven96 posted 10/27/2013 22:36 PM

My WH was cheating on me when he asked me to marry him. We had been together almost two years at that point.

Whatever the circumstances, if your WH truly wanted to go, he would. If he truly wanted to be with her, he would be. You are not 2nd choice...she is.

Something inside your WH is broken for him to be able to do this to you. It is good that you are doing MC, but is he in IC to figure out what his issues are?

You are right in that he doesn't deserve you and you are worthy of a good man. Unfortunately you love him, so you want to do everything possible to save your M before throwing in the towel. We all do. Just DON'T beat yourself up in the process like I did. You are NOT 2nd choice. She is!

(((roarlouder)))

Merlin posted 10/27/2013 22:40 PM

My personal 'rule' was simple then and simple now.

I want to be with someone that wants to be with me.

I loved my ex-W desperately. But she wanted it all at the same time - her family, me keeping the home fires burning and her lowlife boyfriend.

She did not want to be with me. And no amount of 'staying together for the kids', legal sensibilities or anything else matters to me. What matters is my family. That used to include her and our children. Now she is no longer included.

I want to be with someone that wants to be with me.

myperfectlife posted 10/27/2013 22:41 PM

roarlouder...
I totally understand where you are coming from.
Even though my WS went back and forth and "finally" decided he wanted to be with me, my wondering "why" left me fully unable to commit to R.
In fact, we just signed the divorce papers tonight.
Like you, I thought I could count on him, but now I also see an insecure, weak man.
I don't want him to be with me because I have been his "strength" for so long, or because I'm the mother of his children, the keeper of his house etc.
He has to find himself before he can find out if he wants me.
I don't know if I have any advice for you, but I think it is something that can be brought up in MC.
Hopefully your WS isn't the kind who will just say what you want to hear (conflict avoidant). Maybe you can get some concrete answers to your concern. Maybe it will just take time for him to prove it to you.

[This message edited by myperfectlife at 10:42 PM, October 27th (Sunday)]

roarlouder posted 10/27/2013 22:42 PM

Yes he's in IC too. It's just so hard knowing what it was...that every way he looks at me, touches me he did with her too. He may just be staying because of our history.
It hurts so much.... And all of his friends knew the whole time. They all know I know now... But their wives, who are my friends, know nothing. It feels like he has so many people to talk to, but I know that it's been my choice to keep it quiet. It's just so messed up....helping your husba d through a break up. He's starting to realize that it was fantasy, that she lied and manipulated him as much as he did her. I can't believe how stupid he was.

roarlouder posted 10/27/2013 22:52 PM

Part of me wishes he wasn't trying. He is normally a conflict avoider, but is trying not to do that. I've heard so many difficult things, but that shows me he's trying. I just wish he would have tried sooner. I don't want to wait around for him to sort himself out and put everything I want in hold, like kids (which he likely doesnt want, and i worry will cause him stress and lead to another A) But I know there are no guarantees with starting over without him either. Looking back there were so many moments-8,5,2 years ago -where I should have walked. I just don't want to look at this moment 10 or 20 years from now and feel the same.

How do you know when to stay a d when to walk? He's never been faithful...I feel like I am the abnormal one in being faithful.

Ostrich80 posted 10/28/2013 01:07 AM

I feel like the runner up too. I think he's with me but his hearts with her. He knows my girls would never accept her, our extended families are all entwined, he doesn't want to share half his pension..the list goes on, all except the one that matters....because he loves me.

myperfectlife posted 10/28/2013 17:44 PM

Part of me wishes he wasn't trying. He is normally a conflict avoider, but is trying not to do that. I've heard so many difficult things, but that shows me he's trying.

I've had a lot of back and forth these 7 months. The times he wasn't trying I was almost relieved, I felt like I could divorce him without guilt. I mean, just look at him-if he wasn't going to try I didn't need to feel responsible for him and I was FREE.

I just wish he would have tried sooner. I don't want to wait around for him to sort himself out and put everything I want in hold, like kids (which he likely doesnt want, and i worry will cause him stress and lead to another A)

I wish mine would have tried sooner too. Like after his EA 4 years ago that I rugswept but begged him to go to counseling for and he refused.
For me, the past 7 months have been "one more try" and "starting now" and "this time I mean it". It became so standard that I just lumped all his lies and deceit together. At that point I was just waiting for him to be honest to me. I thought, that at least, he can do. Nope, he couldn't do that either.
I finally realized it has been 7 months, which is 6 months longer than I should have waited. Once I knew he had cheated I should have walked. It's only a testament to my patience that I didn't. Patience or stupidity? 18 years and a family is a lot to give up.
If you don't have kids, or are afraid to have them with him...you have a lot less to dissasemble. I am not trying to belittle your pain or the anguish of tearing apart a life at all. It is simply more complicated when there are more people involved. More people to lie to, more people to hurt...and in the end you as the mom feel responsible for having kids with this guy when you KNEW you shouldn't have.

But I know there are no guarantees with starting over without him either. Looking back there were so many moments-8,5,2 years ago -where I should have walked. I just don't want to look at this moment 10 or 20 years from now and feel the same.

This is the thing. There are NEVER any guarantees.
If you met your WH today, and you were single, would you want to be with him? I am guessing the answer to that would be no. There actually are plenty of great guys out there who have not hurt you.
Guys who you can look at and not feel torment and pain, who can touch you without triggering anger and humiliation. Yes, some people reconcile with their WH and can forgive and work through all of those triggers, but some cannot. Some don't want to. It is ok to react the way that YOU react. Feelings are feelings. Maybe it was a dealbreaker for you.
Basically, deciding to reconcile is taking a huge risk. But anyone takes a risk in marriage and relationships. The question is, are you going to get out of it what you put into it? Are you going to get what you want? Have you so far? Is it even possible with this person?

How do you know when to stay a d when to walk? He's never been faithful...I feel like I am the abnormal one in being faithful.

In my opinion if he has never been faithful, you're in an open relationship. Wouldn't you like to put your energy into someone who won't just crap it out and spread it on the fields of the world as fertilizer for their own field of freedom?
Do you deserve someone who will take what you give and give you equal measure in return? Do you deserve loyalty as a basic human concept? Do you deserve to be cherished above anyone else? Do you really think you do?
I certainly think you do.
And I do believe I do too. And that's why I took my final signed papers to my attorney today. And after I signed them I told my WS that I loved him, because I do.
But loving someone and being able to live with them are not the same thing.
And loving someone and being able to live with yourself?
At some point I knew that I wouldn't be able to sleep at night, knowing I had sold myself short. That is why I signed.
((((hugs))))


blackbirdfly posted 10/28/2013 23:12 PM

I've been feeling like this a lot too. He only "chose me" because it was easy.

As far as I'm concerned, the second he "chose" her, I wasn't a choice anymore.

Bobbi_sue posted 10/29/2013 03:54 AM

How do you know when to stay a d when to walk? He's never been faithful
As others said, if this somewhat "open" (for him) relationship is what you want to live with the rest of your life, then for you, I you can stay. It's your choice.

But for me, the fact he has "never been faithful" would be my cue...I'd get a D. (I did divorce my XH who was a serial cheater. I'm not sure if he was cheating before and when we got married but knowing what I know now, it would not surprise me. He certainly cheated early on in our M).

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