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wow! things change fast!

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nicjean83 posted 10/27/2013 22:23 PM

My BS and and OM wife have had some contact through this. I decided to check his phone to see if he had any texts from her. NOPE. but he did have a weeks worth of texts and flirting ( some very sexual) with another woman himself. I reacted pretty well if you ask me. I didn't feel like it phased me much. him planning a Revenge affair.

HOWEVER The last text was " Maybe next time you can even Kiss me"

My BS says he felt to guilty to let anything happen but I still felt jaded he went to have dinner with her ( I knwo i know what goes around comes around) but he said he met with her to see if he still had feelings for me?? wth?

after 2 horus of us crying together about well... everything... we have decided to seperate. but still spend time together.. date basically. Before saying good bye he gave me the most passionatye kiss he has EVER given me! I was literally weak in the knees!

My BS says " I want this to be our first kiss now that we are starting over" Tonight though we seperated was the best night I have had with him in years. I need your thoughts SI!!!??? I feel lost, sad, excited, confused, and happy all at the same time.. oh and nauseous as this is alot to feel at one time LOL!

[This message edited by nicjean83 at 10:24 PM, October 27th (Sunday)]

Unagie posted 10/27/2013 22:38 PM

I knwo i know what goes around comes around)

Nope, not even a little. Be careful here do not judge his actions based off yours. Find out everything....also is he going to be dating only you?

nicjean83 posted 10/27/2013 22:40 PM

yes!!! he was very adamant about it being only us we see.

DefeatedDad posted 10/27/2013 23:53 PM

Just because you were an idiot and had an affair does not give him the right to have one.

The reason you are not to worked up about it is that if he indeed does have an affair, then in your mind it will level the playing field. That somehow it will absolve you of what you did and he can never again home your A over your head.

Well it doesn't work that way.

authenticnow posted 10/28/2013 06:41 AM


Please don't name call in this forum. Thank you.


Raven96 posted 10/28/2013 09:24 AM

I didn't see a stopsign, so I hope it's okay if I post.

I'm a BW, and I would NEVER think about texting or emailing someone like that. My WH hurt me deeply, but I would never, ever think of hurting him back...not even to find out if I still had feelings for him. I KNOW whether or not I have feelings for him. I do. I'm still here.

I am sorry you are separating, and I really hope that he will date you exclusively. I can see how confusing this is for you, and I really hope that things work out; but, I can't help but think that you need to keep an eye on him and make sure that he is still working for your M and not using this separation to ease his guilt for "dating." I'm not trying to make you feel bad, I'm just looking out for you, because I can tell you love him very much.


MissesJai posted 10/28/2013 10:47 AM

2x4 here - sorry, bullshit. He wants to separate and end up dating other people, assuming he hasn't already begun that process. He needs to see other people in order to start over with you? Give me a break.

nicjean83 posted 10/28/2013 11:17 AM

well.. as myTopic says.. things change fast.

After a few hours of being apart i felt I wanted to come home. And let the Hysterical bonding begin! I can honestly say neither one of us have let out this much passion before. I will still be watching his phone now as he watches mine. I told him he put doubt there in my mind now irregardless to wheather he did anything or not.

I still don't know whats happening. I am just a ball of confusion and guilt. But I will happily ride this crazy train of bonding and hold on as tight as I can. I missed him so much.....

MissesJai posted 10/28/2013 11:36 AM

I understand. Just be careful - your missing him and all this HB can cloud your judgment. Try your best to keep everything in perspective.

kroma posted 10/28/2013 12:10 PM

2 weeks after she found out about my A we finally saw each other and spoke. The next night we had the most passionate kiss in our life. A week later she couldn't keep her hands off of me. It was the best love making I could remember in years. As things progressed that crazy love affection slowed down. 10 months later we're separated. I'm only telling you this bc it's a roller coaster and you need to be prepared for anything and everything. Everyone's situation is different as you will read posts. But it appears everyone does go through some sort of roller coaster and seeing that your DDay was recent I just want to give you a heads up....just in case. This process can be damn heart breaking at times.

Also as far as the phone goes be careful. In my case she found out by looking through my phone. When we were reconciling I would always look through her phone to read her texts. Not that I didn't trust her but I wanted to know what she was saying about our relationship to her friends. It def came across like I didn't trust her. The phones are now a subject of dissention. If we ever R again there will def be boundaries with it. You're better off having a convo with your BS about both phones and saying you both trust or you don't but don't go through them sneakily (is that a word?). Be open about it.
Good luck.

Unagie posted 10/28/2013 12:32 PM

Kroma I understand what you are saying about the phones but if it wasn't for me being "sneaky" I wouldn't have found out nearly as much about his A's. If your cheating spouse is hiding and giving you no info leaving seems the best choice but sometimes you have a need for those details...for something.

20WrongsVs1 posted 10/28/2013 12:55 PM

nicjean83, you're not even a month in, so yes, things are going to change rapidly.

For that very reason, many people advise not making major marital decisions till you are 6 months out. We just hit that milestone last week, and yeah, it's a totally different ballgame from 1 month out.

WRT "being sneaky" with phones, etc., you and BH should agree upon what your boundaries are now. Your BH had dinner and exchanged sexual text messages with OW...which some would define as an A! Are you separated, or are you both *all in* to R? Clarify your status and what you're each *allowed* to do.

kroma posted 10/28/2013 12:56 PM


Agreed. My thoughts on the phones were of a nature where the two are trying to R. My wife never checked my phone until I started acting different. She suspected and bam! My life was turned upside down in an instant.
My point is that someday whether it's my wife or someone else I don't want to check anyone's phone looking for something. It's just so damn unhealthy bc you're sitting there trying to find something that your spouse is doing which means there's no trust. It just doesn't work. Unless you feel you honestly have something to find.....hope I made sense.

nicjean83 posted 10/28/2013 13:08 PM

we are both All in.

We thought we were going to separate last night before HB started. now I don't know.

We are taking it minute by minute. I mean.. I just went stark raving mad looking for his phone ( he seems to have lost it when he was outside wandering in a daze ) I want that phone I want to see if he is still texting her.

He says after last night he doesn't ever want anybody else but as many of you have said it can change

MissesJai posted 10/28/2013 13:14 PM

it can change
it can change at the drop of a dime - so fast, your head will spin and all you can think is "what the fuck just happened??". Just be prepared.

kroma posted 10/28/2013 13:20 PM


Did you come out and ask him if he's still texting the OP?

Unagie posted 10/28/2013 13:39 PM

Kroma you made total sense I get it.

Nicjean please allow me to just ask that you are careful. His role as a BS is not the reason he made the choices he has. He has wayward aspects. Many think the title of betrayed means they are immune to commiting the same atrocities, when in reality they are just as broken. Your heads are rolling because it is still so early. I just want you to be careful. XSO and I had HB and professed passion and love. 1 yr later we are separated and he's going out every weekend. Take it slow.

ETA: typos.

[This message edited by Unagie at 1:40 PM, October 28th (Monday)]

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