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Can you believe the WS that ap really meant nothing to them

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sad34 posted 10/27/2013 22:56 PM

My wh has said the same things for so many months and doesn't waiver. That even though his affair was 4 years his ow meant nothing to him. I don't understand how u can text someone all the time, email and have sex with someone for that long and not develop feelings.
He did throw her under the bus on dday but it just seems far fetched to me.
Anyone out there truly believe their WS when they say that?

headdesk posted 10/27/2013 23:33 PM

For mine it was more the EA he was into. The praise and flattery to fill that hole inside of him that he hasn't learned to fill on his own yet.

But yeah, I'd say that was BS. Either that or you have a scarily manipulative man who will do whatever it takes to get a girls panties off...which is worse.

RightTrack posted 10/27/2013 23:34 PM

WH says the same of his two year affair. It meant nothing/ he was never in love. I can't really comprehend that but part of that is probably due to the different way women want to have meaning and emotion in sexual relationships.

Goosee1 posted 10/27/2013 23:43 PM

I didn't believe my WH after the first DDay (years ago), he tried to protect her until the very end.

He stayed with her for two weeks, wouldn't come home to see DD or take care of bills. It wasn't until I told him I was filing for divorce that he threw her under the bus and told me that she didn't mean anything, she manipulated him, etc.

Bullshit.

HardenMyHeart posted 10/28/2013 00:00 AM

That even though his affair was 4 years his ow meant nothing to him.

The three biggest lies are:
1. The checks in the mail
2. You may already be a winner
3. They meant nothing to me

Why is it when a WS finally falls out of the stupid tree they have to hit every branch on the way down?

Somebody does not have an LTA without having strong feelings for the AP. So sorry that after everything you have had to deal with your WS is now making you wade through crap.

Gemini71 posted 10/28/2013 00:03 AM

I actually believe my STBX when he says 'she/they meant nothing to me.'

What I don't understand is how that's supposed to make me feel better. He betrayed me in the worst way possible for someone he doesn't even care about???!!!

Since the main OW was by BFF, she also betrayed me for something she could get from a good vibrator.

It just pisses me off more.

HardenMyHeart posted 10/28/2013 00:43 AM

(((Gemini71))) Your story sounds so painful. I can't begin to fathom the pain of a double betrayal like that.

Marathonwaseasy posted 10/28/2013 00:46 AM

When the fog lifts they can start to see the ap in a different light for sure. But at the time of A, yes they meant something.
Sucks doesn't it?

Ostrich80 posted 10/28/2013 00:49 AM

My ws said the same thing and they had been carrying on for about 3 yrs. I believed him but like you, didn't see how it was possible since he had been involved with her for so long.
Mine lied, he went underground. I just don't see how you can so flipantly risk your m and family for someone you don't give 2 shits about. I don't think its impossible but extremely rare.

Scubachick posted 10/28/2013 03:00 AM

I struggle with this more than anything else. My husband had an EA and denies having any feelings for her. He doesn't waiver either. We fight about it day after day. I don't believe It. I'm not sure I will ever.

Whatdoido333 posted 10/28/2013 03:15 AM

My WH says thy are just friends and then he said business associates...that's it. But, why would he be looking to buy a house with a business associate? Or tell a business associate that if she spent the weekend with her boyfriend, tat would be the end for WH...liars...all of them

forlornheart posted 10/28/2013 03:25 AM

In some instances I can believe that the AP could mean nothing. ONS and very short A. LTA.....no don't believe it at all. In my case it has been relatively short term but when divorce is looming, the DD's are begging him to please just don't visit her anymore. If she's just a friend then our feelings should matter, right?

He'd then swear it was her children he couldn't possibly leave, they needed him. He broke our youngest heart the worse, she was always daddy's girl. Now her feelings mean less to him that the OW he just likes as a friend. And her children??

Sorry don't believe that line of BS. He's a selfish bastard and when she kicks him out on his ear (he's living there now) his going to have no one to turn to but his mother.

He told his kids they don't love him the right way?!? WTF is that?

I'm sorry Sad....4 years and no feelings? I just can't believe it.

Hugs!
Deb

mchercheur posted 10/28/2013 06:24 AM

He betrayed me in the worst way possible for someone he doesn't even care about???!!!

I don't understand this either.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 6:24 AM, October 28th (Monday)]

Kelany posted 10/28/2013 06:48 AM

Yes, I can believe it, even in a LTA.

My husband is SA, he had multiple affairs, one was a LTA of almost 2 1/2 years. She meant nothing to him. She was easy, convenient, he used her. She never turned him down. He "cheated" on her with a former AP even.

When their A ended, within 3 months he was on to someone else. she truly meant nothing, he did not mourn the loss of the relationship at all.

Now...she loved him...wanted his baby, had adifficult time giving him up. But him? Not at all.

Skye posted 10/28/2013 07:32 AM

Absolutely. Obviously, after 35 years I meant nothing to him, so I expect she meant nothing, too. He had an affair for himself. Who she was wasn't part of it.

Holly-Isis posted 10/28/2013 07:48 AM

MrH told me about 1A, merely to control the info before xOw1 outed them. He spun it as an EA. Told me he was in love with her. Kept contacting her, sharing their discussions with me. Acted like he was soooooo conflicted as to who to pick. Yes, I should've left then. I'm pathetic.

Now that the PA has been outed, he calls her a "f*ck toy". Claims that was his attitude towards her and the lurv thing was to throw me off.

Which do I believe. I believe the truth is somewhere in the middle. I believe that for most people, sex creates a bond. Especially repeated sex. I know him, he attached or convinced himself he attached. Otherwise, the moment she told him she was going to tell me in the most hurtful way she could, he would have cut ties.

The 2A was 6mos from the first time they talked until he sent the NC letter. That time included the build up to an EA, the PA, a supposed pregnancy and subsequent abortion, dday, taking the A underground and MrH leaving for Iraq. They talked M, though she claimed in an email to me it was all his dream, not hers. Even in the relatively short time from beginning to end, I do not believe she meant nothing.

People do not risk the lives they built for someone who means nothing.

People don't see the person they later claim to love with all their hearts in shattered pieces then grind their heels into those pieces for the sake of a person who was nothing.

We tell ourselves that for comfort, but really...even if it was temporary and ultimately superficial...it wasn't nothing.

Strugglestreet posted 10/28/2013 08:07 AM

My WH also says OW meant nothing to him. He said it was the attention he got from her (the ego boost) that he enjoyed. Apparently she was a dud root as well, so why go back 5 times??!!

I don't know what to believe, all I know is that he threw her under the bus on dday, and avoids every meeting she will be in at work and hates her with a vengeance!!

heforgotme posted 10/28/2013 08:26 AM

I don't believe it. In the early weeks after Dday I did, but I think it was just a self preservation kind of thing. Looking at the facts, I just don't see how it is possible.

They talked for 2-4 hours a day. He lied to me and neglected his children. He accepted gifts from her and let her pay for everything.

These are not things you do for/with someone who means nothing. In his case, I don't think he thought he was in love, but there was definitely some sort of affection imo.

He doesn't really lie much anymore and has been painfully honest about the details surrounding this. So, the only thing I can figure is that he sees now how ridiculous and fake it was and since he knows it wasn't real, counts that as not caring. Bc he knows now it was a farce.

In any case, it definitely means nothing to him now except in an extremely negative way, so that is what I try to focus on.

TrustGone posted 10/28/2013 08:31 AM

No. I think that the affair partner has to mean something for them to be willing to give up their families and home. My WH said she meant nothing to him but she was a friend. They had a 3yr affair and he even gave her an engagement ring (he called it a frienship ring to me ). She outed him after he wouldn't leave me after two years and then they took it underground for another year until she outed him again. I said I was done and he threw her under the bus or he got even better at hiding it. Not sure which, but if he does see her now it has to be during work and I look at his paychecks. I don't know if I would have handled it better to know he was in love with her. I think maybe I could have understood it better if he had. Now I don't really believe that he loves me either. I think the only one he really LOVES is himself.

sodamnlost posted 10/28/2013 08:36 AM

Same story here sadly. My gut knew better but I TRIED to believe he didn't have feelings like he claimed. It took 13 months for my WH to admit the one sided "lurv" he had for his AP. It's fake, unicorn farting rainbows bullshit "love" but at the time for him - yeah it was real.

Your gut KNOWS. Trust it.

((((Hugs))))

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