I am so sorry you are in this place...you are strong and you will get through this.
First, none of that horsesh$t he is trying to feed you about how you are the reason for everything wrong in his life is true. Refuse to accept any of it! HE is the broken one and is telling himself and you all kinds of stories to justify his heinous behavior!!
I would say right now you need to go into protect- yourself mode. He does not wish you well and is a danger to you at this time. Not sure of the wisdom of revealing any info you have right now. You may be better off reading about the 180 and doing a little more sleuthing if you can manage it. Others may have better specific info on that.
See an attorney for a free consult just to know your rights. This does not commit you to a course of action, but provides you with knowledge - knowledge is power.
He is NOT your friend right now! Please look out for yourself.
[This message edited by iwillNOT at 11:19 PM, October 27th (Sunday)]
He's simply placing the blame at your feet. So put it squarely right back in his lap, don't accept what he's telling you about who's to blame.
What does it matter if you confront him with his lies.....he can't try to hid the evidence, it's right there in the credit card receipts. But I would also consult with an attorney. Know your rights.
He's looking at you with hatred because he needs to hate you. This is too common, and very hurtful, but the cheater will make the betrayed spouse (BS) into a monster so that cheating is ok. After all, who would care about a monster right? So cheating is justified. But if you remain the nice loving wife you've been, then he is the monster, so in his mind you've been twisted into something you are not. Hurtful beyond words, but again, very common.
The others are right - see an attorney. Read up on the 180, and start! The 180 is about you, not him wanting you, although it often produces that result. Why? Because cheaters want the BS to be broken, desperate, and needy. Why? Again, who wants that? If you met someone today and that was how they acted, you would run. So, be strong, confident, and most of all, unconcerned with him or his disgusting actions! Hard, we all know, but that's what you must do. It will help you begin your 'new' life without him. If he comes back and you want to reconcile (R) then that is your choice, and many of us have done that. But if not, you are already on your way to not wanting or needing him.
Should you confront him? If you want and you KNOW he will not attack you. If you have ANY doubt, then do not confront him. Do NOT put yourself in danger. If I were you and I was to confront him, I would be dressed and ready to go out looking my best, and then I would casually drop the copies of the receipts in front of him and say "Oh, thanks for lying about what you've been up to. I don't know why I expected you to be honest." and then leave. Let him stew on knowing you know. Do NOT show him and cry or plead with him. Do NOT feed his shallow ego right now, which is what this affair is doing.
Please, know you didn't cause this. He cheated because something in him is broken and weak. He found a way to make himself feel good (OW) and he took it. He will blame you or anything else that he possibly can so that he isn't the bad one here, but he did this on his own. It isn't because you left spots on the dishes or didn't walk the dog or put on a few pounds or have small breasts or large breasts or short hair or drive a blue car or have a friend he doesn't like or anything else. It is him and his weakness.
If you have anyone that can take your girls for a few days, some rest will help you. If not, just try to find time alone to grieve. You need to do that, and also be strong in front of them. Make sure they know that they did nothing wrong at all, and that Mom and Dad both love them.
And please, take care of yourself. Try to sleep, be sure to eat and drink, and try to relax. If you can't eat, try a nutrition shake like Ensure. You need to remain physically able as well as mentally, and a lack of calories can actually make things seem even worse as it can affect your thinking.
You did not cause this, and there is nothing wrong with you. The problem lies in your husband.
So let me get this straight: He sends you an e-mail patting himself on the back for being such a nice guy?!? Really?
How do you respond to the WS when they make small attempts at connecting?
I would give him crickets. And retain a shark with the sharpest teeth. So sorry you are going through this. Take good care of you and your DDs.
Keep doing what you are doing. Be strong, don't cave, he will view it as weakness and continue to cake it. If you want to just simply tell him I have proof of your affair and I will not stand by a man that would do something like that to his family. That's what he is doing BTW, hurting your family. I believe an A literally destroys everybody in its path.
Let him know your lawyer has the proof or copies of the proof and don't let him find the originals. Keep on sleuthing to uncover more. My WW thought she was slick and covered her tracks. It really was easy when I kept at it.
Good luck dear, you deserve so much more!
You may need everything in court later. You have to play this smart and try your hardest not to let emotion motivate you. It is hard, but it can be done.
He is doing EVERYTHING true to form in the Cheaters 1010 handbook. Everything you have described is classic cheaters gaslighting, blameshifting, and projecting.
Right now, he is gone so your only true alternative is NC and 180 when you have to be around him. Only discuss DDs and finances and preferably over email.
You are not lazy, you are not a bad wife, you are not unsupportive. He is pushing all the buttons he has installed over the years.
Let me guess, your husband was a really great guy that loved kids. But he was always just a tad (or maybe more than a tad) bit selfish. He probably had deep rooted but well hidden insecurities.
This is so totally not about you. It is about him. I suggest you dry your eyes. Start reading all of the posts you can stomach. Go to the healing library and read everything. I mean everything. You will see how classic his behavior is.
At first, you will think you are the exception. Or you might think, that isn't going to happen to us. My H is different.
When you think this, read some more posts first in JFO, then General or D/S forums.
There is so much sage advice that has been given over the years on these forums. Read it and apply it.
I'm sorry you are here, but you cannot be in better company for guidance and healing now that you are here.
Please make sure that you've hired a good shark lawyer. You need someone fighting for you, and your lawyer is the person to do that. (((hugs)))
D-Day, June 10, 2012
I will never forget what the MOW husband told me.
He said " don't try to understand why or how could he do this to you" he said you will go insane because bottom line it's pure selfishness. Soon your WH mistress will start arguing with him because of contact with you. Don't be surprised if he shows up at your doorstep a mess and wanting to come back home.
Usually they want to be a cake eater. Because as soon as he moves back with you....in a week or less he will be miserable again and break contact with OW.
TELL EVERYONE. Yes tell. I didn't want to tell, I waited and waited. Be prepared for him to totally blame shift and act like you backstabbed him by doing this. "Great you told everyone your version and now everyone hates me, I hope you're happy" he won't actually believe this statement but he will surely try to convince you.
My kids were in their mid to late teens. They were not stupid.
My H and I sat down and talked with them...he apologized to them and to me wanting to R. Well 2-3 weeks later he was back to screwing her. He was nice for like less than a week!
Then slowly started criticizing everything I did or said.
When he was nice it was all apologies and I'll do what it takes. When he was in contact with MOW, it was all
"Did you change your makeup? It doesn't smell right??
What lotion do you have on? It smells weird.
Never changed my makeup or body lotion. I was wearing the same damn scents and lotions that he bought me from Victoria's Secret.
I'm telling you this because their minds have been abducted by aliens or something!!? They make no sense
Keep doing the 180
Keep reminding yourself this is for YOU. If his family doesn't know, TELL.
I let you know bits and pieces of what happened to me. You feel completely caught off guard and you just don't believe it.
Trust me there are so many people married over 20yrs, happy marriage, best friends, our spouses would give their life to protect us and one day this happens.
Vent here, read the healing library. He knows you're vulnerable right now and will play on those emotions.
DD 6/26/10 (he broke down & confessed)
DD#2 3/14/11 H in OW's car
TT 7/1/11 (NC broken, through emails)
for the sake of your family and hers.
Does her husband know about the A? I would definitely make sure he knows.
So if I undertand this correctly, your H wants an emergency backup relationship? Why is that?! He is behaving like a cretin. There is no R without NC. I am so sorry for your pain.
It sounds like your girls are teens, and get what's going on, and are damn mad at dad. They should be. He has lost his mind, and forgotten what he had. Now he is feeling a little sad an lonely for some reason, or understands that you will gain a lot financially if he chooses to D. GREAT. This will only help you in the long run.
Do NOT engage him. If you are willing to consider R, figure out what you need for that, and of course NC and transparency would be number one and two on that list. Figure out the rest, send him an email clearly and simply stating these requirements. He will either get it, and do whatever it takes, or he won't, and you will have saved yourself a lot of pain.
YOU are smart, stong, and capable. YOU will come out the other side of this stronger, and certainly happier, if you don't have to deal with this level of crazy. Find yourself the best Divorce attorney in your county, and hire them. You can do this, and you will survive this, but don't let your broken heart dictate what you do, if he doesn't prove NC he can't possibly be ready to R.
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.