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ruby44 posted 10/27/2013 22:56 PM

Saying that he wanted to work on our marriage he just needed space. We went to a counselor, He told me I was lazy, unsupportive and I did not love him. He admitted to being attracted to a woman he met on a work trip but that after a little kissing he ended it because he did not want to be that kind of man. He says he does not think he has anything left to give our marriage. He told me to stop trying to fix our marriage that I needed to fix myself. He would not go back to the counselor because he said I had convinced the counselor there was an affair when there wasn't.
Well I found out a few days ago that he is in a full blown affair with the op. The details are just too gory for me right now. He travels a lot for work so in the past two months she has met him at 3 of those trips. He books a second hotel a few blocks away and charges it on our joint credit card. He has used our money our miles to woo this woman. He has been out to visit her twice and told us that he was visiting a male friend. So I found out her name and called her husband.
She filed for divorce a month ago he is fighting her for custody of their daughter.
The thing hurts the most is that he looks at me with such hate now. I have been protecting him in supporting this separation because I thought we were working on our marriage only to discover that I have been enabling it to continue. I have been struggling so much and every time I would be sad he would just walk away. He tells me I am the reason he has health problems, weight gain etc and that he has been unhappy for 10 years. He is suppose to come back in town on Halloween to take our daughters trick or treating. My plan is to copy all the hotel and flight receipts and hand them to him when he is leaving telling him I know about the affair and here is the proof. Should I confront him? Should I tip my hand? I feel that by not exposing it to the light of day I am supporting it.

justabrokendream posted 10/27/2013 23:07 PM

There will be people better than I to give you advice on this. However, the first thing I would do is see a Lawyer.

iwillNOT posted 10/27/2013 23:17 PM

(((ruby44)))

I am so sorry you are in this place...you are strong and you will get through this.

First, none of that horsesh$t he is trying to feed you about how you are the reason for everything wrong in his life is true. Refuse to accept any of it! HE is the broken one and is telling himself and you all kinds of stories to justify his heinous behavior!!

I would say right now you need to go into protect- yourself mode. He does not wish you well and is a danger to you at this time. Not sure of the wisdom of revealing any info you have right now. You may be better off reading about the 180 and doing a little more sleuthing if you can manage it. Others may have better specific info on that.

See an attorney for a free consult just to know your rights. This does not commit you to a course of action, but provides you with knowledge - knowledge is power.

He is NOT your friend right now! Please look out for yourself.

iwillNOT posted 10/27/2013 23:17 PM

Sorry, double post

[This message edited by iwillNOT at 11:19 PM, October 27th (Sunday)]

forlornheart posted 10/27/2013 23:35 PM

We are all responsible for our own happiness. It's not you duty to make him happy. He can be unhappy with an aspect of your marriage but then.....the breakup of a marriage is a 50/50 deal at most. If he never told you about a problem he was having then how the hell can you work on it?

He's simply placing the blame at your feet. So put it squarely right back in his lap, don't accept what he's telling you about who's to blame.

What does it matter if you confront him with his lies.....he can't try to hid the evidence, it's right there in the credit card receipts. But I would also consult with an attorney. Know your rights.

Hugs!
Deb

ruby44 posted 10/28/2013 06:07 AM

I just do not know what my next step will be. Will I call all his friends and co workers to tell them what he has done. Will I go silently into the past. Trying desperately to keep my daughters unaware of what their father is doing. Why can he not see what he is doing to us. How can I be strong for them when I am feeling so broken and hurt. I know he keeps telling me that I am not the woman he married well he clearly is not who I married either. I did not marry a cheater and adulterer. I did not marry someone who shows such anger and discontent towards his daughters. I did not marry someone who sneaks into the garage at night to call his girlfriend. I never expected him to turn into that man. I never expected him to walk away so casually from the family he helped build. I wonder where the man I married disappeared to? Where is the man who hugged me with such love, the man who would run around with neighbor kids and they call him daddydoie! Where is the man who had such a soft spot for the girls that one kiss or hug or smile should have him cave in and get them what they asked. Where is favorite Uncle G? He is not just abandoning me and the girls he is abandoning all the nieces and nephews and inlaws who have laughed with him and drank with him and loved him. Why, all for someone new, something new? I just can not understand and I never will.

painfulpast posted 10/28/2013 06:28 AM

It's nearly impossible to understand the mind of a cheater while they are cheating. It's just not normal thinking, and trying to make it fit into any sense of normalcy will make you crazy. He is all about himself right now, not you or your girls, despite what he says or even may think!

He's looking at you with hatred because he needs to hate you. This is too common, and very hurtful, but the cheater will make the betrayed spouse (BS) into a monster so that cheating is ok. After all, who would care about a monster right? So cheating is justified. But if you remain the nice loving wife you've been, then he is the monster, so in his mind you've been twisted into something you are not. Hurtful beyond words, but again, very common.

The others are right - see an attorney. Read up on the 180, and start! The 180 is about you, not him wanting you, although it often produces that result. Why? Because cheaters want the BS to be broken, desperate, and needy. Why? Again, who wants that? If you met someone today and that was how they acted, you would run. So, be strong, confident, and most of all, unconcerned with him or his disgusting actions! Hard, we all know, but that's what you must do. It will help you begin your 'new' life without him. If he comes back and you want to reconcile (R) then that is your choice, and many of us have done that. But if not, you are already on your way to not wanting or needing him.

Should you confront him? If you want and you KNOW he will not attack you. If you have ANY doubt, then do not confront him. Do NOT put yourself in danger. If I were you and I was to confront him, I would be dressed and ready to go out looking my best, and then I would casually drop the copies of the receipts in front of him and say "Oh, thanks for lying about what you've been up to. I don't know why I expected you to be honest." and then leave. Let him stew on knowing you know. Do NOT show him and cry or plead with him. Do NOT feed his shallow ego right now, which is what this affair is doing.

Please, know you didn't cause this. He cheated because something in him is broken and weak. He found a way to make himself feel good (OW) and he took it. He will blame you or anything else that he possibly can so that he isn't the bad one here, but he did this on his own. It isn't because you left spots on the dishes or didn't walk the dog or put on a few pounds or have small breasts or large breasts or short hair or drive a blue car or have a friend he doesn't like or anything else. It is him and his weakness.

If you have anyone that can take your girls for a few days, some rest will help you. If not, just try to find time alone to grieve. You need to do that, and also be strong in front of them. Make sure they know that they did nothing wrong at all, and that Mom and Dad both love them.

And please, take care of yourself. Try to sleep, be sure to eat and drink, and try to relax. If you can't eat, try a nutrition shake like Ensure. You need to remain physically able as well as mentally, and a lack of calories can actually make things seem even worse as it can affect your thinking.

You did not cause this, and there is nothing wrong with you. The problem lies in your husband.

ruby44 posted 11/21/2013 12:23 PM

Got my divorce papers the other day. Sounds like his lawyer is a newbie. 2 years out of law school. Talked to a lawyer but did not retain her. Just did not think that she had enough life experience to understand what was going on. Talked to WH the other night to tell him that I was served. I think the fog is lifting a little. The DDs really are angry at him. Ignoring his calls, and very little attempts at contact. When he does show up to take them to dinner, they are back home in 1 1/2 hours. I asked him why and he said they were not being social. I am keeping detailed documents regarding contact etc.
So I have a question he sent me and email the other day listing all the "nice" things he had done for me in the past week. Shopped with the DD for my birthday. Added salt to the water softener, told me I looked nice. And after all those nice things I showed him no appreciation. I think the OW is filling his head with false admiration because she is all by herself now too. If I am doing the 180. How do you respond to the WS when they make small attempts at connecting?

Edith posted 11/21/2013 12:49 PM

Hi Ruby,

So let me get this straight: He sends you an e-mail patting himself on the back for being such a nice guy?!? Really?

How do you respond to the WS when they make small attempts at connecting?

I would give him crickets. And retain a shark with the sharpest teeth. So sorry you are going through this. Take good care of you and your DDs.

E.

Smokehouse posted 11/21/2013 13:21 PM

What Edith said. Keep up the 180 for yourself. It may very well bring him out of his deep, deep fog. It is so obvious he is in it, but sounds like you are starting to get his AT&Tention a little.

Keep doing what you are doing. Be strong, don't cave, he will view it as weakness and continue to cake it. If you want to just simply tell him I have proof of your affair and I will not stand by a man that would do something like that to his family. That's what he is doing BTW, hurting your family. I believe an A literally destroys everybody in its path.

Let him know your lawyer has the proof or copies of the proof and don't let him find the originals. Keep on sleuthing to uncover more. My WW thought she was slick and covered her tracks. It really was easy when I kept at it.

Good luck dear, you deserve so much more!

StillLivin posted 11/21/2013 14:23 PM

Ruby44, I hope you haven't already shown him your proof.
Right now, you need to keep all your cards close to your chest. Confide in ONLY people you absolutely trust. Preferably folks that have no connection to your WH.

You may need everything in court later. You have to play this smart and try your hardest not to let emotion motivate you. It is hard, but it can be done.

He is doing EVERYTHING true to form in the Cheaters 1010 handbook. Everything you have described is classic cheaters gaslighting, blameshifting, and projecting.

Right now, he is gone so your only true alternative is NC and 180 when you have to be around him. Only discuss DDs and finances and preferably over email.

You are not lazy, you are not a bad wife, you are not unsupportive. He is pushing all the buttons he has installed over the years.

Let me guess, your husband was a really great guy that loved kids. But he was always just a tad (or maybe more than a tad) bit selfish. He probably had deep rooted but well hidden insecurities.

This is so totally not about you. It is about him. I suggest you dry your eyes. Start reading all of the posts you can stomach. Go to the healing library and read everything. I mean everything. You will see how classic his behavior is.

At first, you will think you are the exception. Or you might think, that isn't going to happen to us. My H is different.

When you think this, read some more posts first in JFO, then General or D/S forums.

There is so much sage advice that has been given over the years on these forums. Read it and apply it.

I'm sorry you are here, but you cannot be in better company for guidance and healing now that you are here.

Skan posted 11/21/2013 16:26 PM

Unless your WH asks you a question about finances or immediate child care arrangements, you have nothing to say to him. Since he didn't ask you a question, give him crickets back. If he asks a question that has ramifications for your divorce, you tell him that this type of communication needs to go through your lawyer.

Please make sure that you've hired a good shark lawyer. You need someone fighting for you, and your lawyer is the person to do that. (((hugs)))

Skan posted 11/21/2013 16:26 PM

Unless your WH asks you a question about finances or immediate child care arrangements, you have nothing to say to him. Since he didn't ask you a question, give him crickets back. If he asks a question that has ramifications for your divorce, you tell him that this type of communication needs to go through your lawyer.

Please make sure that you've hired a good shark lawyer. You need someone fighting for you, and your lawyer is the person to do that. (((hugs)))

Offhispedestal posted 11/21/2013 20:00 PM

Ruby44 ((hugs))
I'm so sorry you are here 😔
Right now your mind may be all over the place. You are wondering where your loving husband went? How could he look at you with so much hate? Telling you there's nothing else he could do for the marriage, to fix yourself. Telling you he wasn't happy for years. PLEASE DONT LISTEN to this bullshit. I have to say that because that is what it is. Now he's given you a compliment, he seems nicer... It's a twisted mind game. Don't play, don't.
It was extremely difficult for me to believe, accept that my best friend, the love of my life. The sweet and affectionate love he used to give.... Every single thing your H told you are the exact words my H told me. I felt crazy, I blamed myself for so much of it. Right now your H is starting to get used to this fantasy life. Soon and I mean SOON, he will try to make small talk with you, email or text or call you and sound like he's SOOO sad. Telling you " this was the last thing I wanted"

I will never forget what the MOW husband told me.
He said " don't try to understand why or how could he do this to you" he said you will go insane because bottom line it's pure selfishness. Soon your WH mistress will start arguing with him because of contact with you. Don't be surprised if he shows up at your doorstep a mess and wanting to come back home.
Usually they want to be a cake eater. Because as soon as he moves back with you....in a week or less he will be miserable again and break contact with OW.
TELL EVERYONE. Yes tell. I didn't want to tell, I waited and waited. Be prepared for him to totally blame shift and act like you backstabbed him by doing this. "Great you told everyone your version and now everyone hates me, I hope you're happy" he won't actually believe this statement but he will surely try to convince you.
My kids were in their mid to late teens. They were not stupid.
My H and I sat down and talked with them...he apologized to them and to me wanting to R. Well 2-3 weeks later he was back to screwing her. He was nice for like less than a week!
Then slowly started criticizing everything I did or said.
When he was nice it was all apologies and I'll do what it takes. When he was in contact with MOW, it was all
"Did you change your makeup? It doesn't smell right??
What lotion do you have on? It smells weird.
Never changed my makeup or body lotion. I was wearing the same damn scents and lotions that he bought me from Victoria's Secret.
I'm telling you this because their minds have been abducted by aliens or something!!? They make no sense
Keep doing the 180
Keep reminding yourself this is for YOU. If his family doesn't know, TELL.

I let you know bits and pieces of what happened to me. You feel completely caught off guard and you just don't believe it.
Trust me there are so many people married over 20yrs, happy marriage, best friends, our spouses would give their life to protect us and one day this happens.
Vent here, read the healing library. He knows you're vulnerable right now and will play on those emotions.

ruby44 posted 11/22/2013 11:07 AM

What the heck does this mean. He says he wants to try R but will not go NC on the AP because if we don't work out, he will be left with nothing. I said if she loves you like she says she does, she would agree to this for the sake of your family and hers. No answer. I think that he is trying to manipulate me because I have gone silent on him. Not to mention, our DD's wont even answer the phone when he calls. They go to dinner with him once every 2 weeks and that is it. The only resident of the house that jumps when he knocks is the dog and he even ignores her! If I was not on SI, and realized that we are all going through pretty much the same thing, I would assume that I was being punked by Ashton Kutcher!

Edith posted 11/22/2013 11:19 AM

Hi Ruby,

for the sake of your family and hers.

Does her husband know about the A? I would definitely make sure he knows.

So if I undertand this correctly, your H wants an emergency backup relationship? Why is that?! He is behaving like a cretin. There is no R without NC. I am so sorry for your pain.

E.

StillLivin posted 11/22/2013 11:31 AM

Ruby,
Can you deal with this sort of arrangement? I know I and most women couldn't.
It's called cake eating. He doesn't know what he wants. Sounds like it's time to take yourself off the table and let him feel what it would be like if you were to ditch him.
In other words, time to NC him until he figures out what is important. It sounds like he already has 1.5 feet out the door already.
Right now, you need to care for you and your girls. You might also want to start thinking about what are dealbreakers for you. What would make you happy, because right now YOU aren't happy.

tushnurse posted 11/22/2013 14:05 PM

Honey, you need to go into your closet, and way in the back you are going to find this amazing pair of Red Stiletto, thigh high, leather, bitch boots. You need to put these on, and start all over.

It sounds like your girls are teens, and get what's going on, and are damn mad at dad. They should be. He has lost his mind, and forgotten what he had. Now he is feeling a little sad an lonely for some reason, or understands that you will gain a lot financially if he chooses to D. GREAT. This will only help you in the long run.

Do NOT engage him. If you are willing to consider R, figure out what you need for that, and of course NC and transparency would be number one and two on that list. Figure out the rest, send him an email clearly and simply stating these requirements. He will either get it, and do whatever it takes, or he won't, and you will have saved yourself a lot of pain.

YOU are smart, stong, and capable. YOU will come out the other side of this stronger, and certainly happier, if you don't have to deal with this level of crazy. Find yourself the best Divorce attorney in your county, and hire them. You can do this, and you will survive this, but don't let your broken heart dictate what you do, if he doesn't prove NC he can't possibly be ready to R.

((((and strength))))

crazynot posted 11/23/2013 03:17 AM

NO R WITHOUT NC... my husband tried doing that and I really believe he did try to do without her and be a dad again. But she went ballistic when he dumped her and texted him nonstop throughout our supposed 'R'. And when I demanded NC he refused, saying 'because she's hurt and she's a human being'. It all fell apart and was the worst six months of my life.

ruby44 posted 11/23/2013 15:42 PM

ok so he must have hooked up with his dealer( OW) the other night because he came to take the girls to dinner and boy was his head in a fog! He told them he filed for divorce, when they asked why....wait for it.... he said he did it for them so that they don't grow up in a house of arguing. Then he took them to TARGET and bought them whatever they wanted! EXCUSE ME! You did it for yourself and the whore you road in on...pardon me. My oldest was confused and said really mom the only time I ever remember you two arguing was once and it did not last long and then you were back to normal. I had to tell them, kids this is not for you...this is just for him.
So I have an appointment with a divorce lawyer on Tuesday. Then I will choose between the several I have talked to. My strategy is to stall it for as long as I can stand it to add a few thorns to his rose colored life. I talked to the OW BS and he told me that she gave him the week of Christmas, funny my WH said the exact same thing. His plan is fly to CA on my dime to spend Christmas week with her. My plan is to tell him that the girls really want him to come over Christmas morning to open presents and see who he chooses. Then I will send his family his response to my very kind email asking him to consider our daughters this cmas and come watch them open their presents. He still denies the affair to everyone but me because I just don't ask I just say it as a matter of fact. What a POS he has turned into.