SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

My WS is in a panic mode right now. She can feel the world crashing down around her as I do. I can see this in her and it is driving her crazy. So she is desperately trying to unload some of the blame everywhere she can. D-day was 2 months ago today. I saw text messages to a guy she works with, that is married to a good friend of her she went through college with, and is the father to their two children. They had been meeting up at work for make out sessions, she sent him a picture of herself in the bathtub, and was planning a time to meet for sex. She even said in one of the messages that it was to bad I was on vacation, because she would have had him come to our house. In our bed…

The hurt was unbearable and I reacted with a flurry of emotions. She cut it off, transferred to a different location and different shift for work, and we started reconciliation. She told me nothing else happened. They both were talking about their issues in their relationships, felt like they were in similar situations, blah, blah, blah. They only kissed once. She told me there were never any other affairs prior. She lied.

Over the next few weeks I monitored everything. Text, calls, gps tracking, phone and computer browser use, social site accounts, etc. A friend of hers told me about a PA she had a few months prior, another friend confirmed it. She denied it until the proof was irrefutable. She said they had lunch together once, text each other a few times, then meet up at a motel and had sex after she was out on girl’s night at the bar. She said they both had agreed it would be a onetime thing and it was. She said there were never any other affairs prior. She lied.

Digging through her conversation history on a social networking site, I found a very EA that had lasted around 6 months or so. The conversations I saw were not between her and OM but her and her best friend. She constantly talked badly about me. She had been meeting him at various locations quite regularly. Sometimes just for lunch. She talked a lot about wanting to have sex with him. For at least 4 months out of the EA it was just E, then at some point it did become a PA. She tells me they only had sex once. I still don’t have any idea as to why this A ended, or if it ever really did. This OM has texted her since d-day, and she replied that I had found out about them, and that she wanted to work on her marriage, and asked him not to text her anymore.

After all this she gets frustrated with my mood swings and normal BS behavior. She shows no compassion. She does show regret (possible only over getting caught) but doesn’t seem to show honest remorse. She says she wants to fix things, that she will never do anything like this again, and she is going to both MC and IC. She came home from IC a few days ago in a very hostile mood wanting to “get some stuff off her chest”. She explained to me that I didn’t show her enough attention and she felt like I didn’t love her. She felt like I didn’t care, so she had multiple affairs. She says word for word “The way you were treating me is part of the reason I did what I did.”

I can take my fair share of the blame for our relationship getting bad, but she seems to believe it was only her that was unhappy. We both were very unhappy, and we both were equally to blame, but I didn’t cheat. I would have left before cheating and had no thoughts of leaving. It was never that bad to me and we had already begun making things better prior to d-day.

I can’t believe she won’t accept that the decision to cheat was 100% hers. It made me so angry and I asked her to leave. She has been gone for 3 days and neither of us has spoken at all. I’m not sure if I miss her, or if I miss the “her” I knew before d-day, but I’m terribly distraught. I love her, but I will not let someone crush me like she has and then blame me for it.

[This message edited by Hatingthis247 at 12:17 AM, October 28th (Monday)]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I know just how you feel. I have been through the same.

There is something you must know with certainty that will go a long way in helping you proceed with this situation. It will help quell the emotional earthquake that is going on within you. Know this:

Your wife's affair/infidelity has NOTHING to do with YOU or YOUR MARRIAGE.

Her decision to lie, deceive, break the vows she made to you, and devastate your family have nothing to do with you or your marriage. Infidelity is a PERSONAL problem, not a marital problem. This was a problem that existed within her long before you married. No person can "push" another into being unfaithful. That's like one saying they were pushed into becoming heroin addicts. No, it's a choice and an addiction that originated in and of themselves.

Right now I'm sure you are feeling an unbearable pain. That is normal and natural. You have been betrayed by the very one whom you invested your greatest trust in.

Do not accept any blame for this. Period.

Do not beg, plead, or bargain with her.

Now, allow yourself to become angry. You have a right to be. Be angry. But, be angry in a controlled and calculated manner and use the anger to your advantage.

Assume a cold, hard, and steely resolve toward this. Become determined that her behavior is simply and absolutely unacceptable to you or your children. Do not waiver in this resolve - not one bit. Ever.

Try to imagine yourself in the place she is mentally at right now. Deep down, she knows she has done something to you that she would NEVER want you or anyone else to do to her - ever. Deep down there is shame, guilt, insecurity, and very low self-worth. She is covering all that up with defensiveness, denial, and delusion. It is one incredible picture of ugliness that she knows she is deep into and she does not want to deal with that ugly, ugly mess.

My first thought when I read your post was - If you hadn't loved her you would have left when you found out about the A.

My stbx blamed everyone - me mostly but he also blamed the children for not loving him the right way. He even blamed the dogs!

Do I still love him after everything his done? Yes, you can't just switch it off after 20 years. But I'm sure as hell going to move on in life without him.

KeptMyWord is 100% right! Your wife is running from herself and her own actions. She is finally realizing the depths of her actions, and she is desperate to make it someone else's fault.

Even if she were unhappy, she had a dozen other outlets. She chose the one that betrayed you, your marriage, and her own sense of self. She chose the cheap, easy way to feel better - to let others tell her things she wanted to hear. She did no work towards fixing anything, and instead dove into a path of destruction. Now that she sees that, she wants it to be someone else's fault - namely you. She wants you, the one person that can judge her the harshest for her actions, the one person she hurt beyond belief, to bear some of the blame. If you don't (which you don't) then she is completely alone in the destruction of the relationship. She doesn't want that so she's doing what she's done since she started cheating or before - running from the problem and looking for an easy out.

Do NOT accept blame for her actions. Do NOT let her continue to tell you that you caused her cheating. When she says such things, just calmly state that her unhappiness may have been caused by many things, but her decision to cheat was on her, and that she took the easy way instead of actually working on anything. Don't veer from this - she needs to understand that she made poor choices and that she needs to own them. If not, and you 'reconcile', then if she is unhappy again is cheating the answer? No - she needs to know why she did this and what in her made her think this was in any way a solution.

I'm so sorry you're here. It's not fair and it's so painful.

I also suggest you try to figure out if you even want to reconcile. It's difficult to know this in the beginning, but if this is a dealbreaker, and you can't/won't ever be able to be happy with her again knowing what she's done, then I would focus on the future. It's easy to want your wife around - she's been the person you turned to when the chips were down for so long. Now they are down because of her. It's a living hell to want comfort from the person that attacked you. We're all familiar with it. Don't think you're crazy for that - it's natural.

But if you think that you won't be happy with her, then start making those plans. You don't need to file, but start thinking of yourself as separated and not as a man who's wife has been gone for days. That can help. At first you will feel pain and sadness, but in a short time you will see your new life taking shape. Again, this is only if you really think that her numerous affairs mean the end.

Please - take care of you. Rest, eat, and try to relax. Take a walk, read a book, anything to try to find some escape from this, if only for a few minutes. It will get easier, but it takes time.

First off, my condolences.

Second: Until she owns HER behavior 100%, her behavior will NOT change.

She was the captain of the ship that sailed into infidelity. She stoked the furnace. She did it. She did it over and over.

Think about that Costa Concordia ship that crashed in Italy somewhere a year ago. He didn't own his behavior either and people died.

Best cure for a serial cheater like her is hard consequences.

1) Move all your money and paychecks to an account in your name only. Cut off all her funds.

2) Box up her belongings and set them out on the front porch. Change the locks to the house and text her and tell her to come pick up her shit.

3) Go see a lawyer. Start the ball rolling on the D. Have her served at work and watch the meltdown ensue.

4) DO NOT TALK TO HER ABOUT ANYTHING BUT D. Let her see you moving on fast and quick. Move so fast it makes her head spin.

Of course she's blaming you. That is what waywards do.

Blame only sticks if you allow it to do so.

I, too, am sorry for what you're dealing with. It really is a roller coaster.

I am only speaking for myself and my situation when I say this: My d-day was almost 2 years ago and my WH didn't show honest remorse until recently (and it's looking like it's too little, too late). I'm not saying that to scare you off, but just that it can take some people a long time to get it.

My WH used the same excuses for his A - I wasn't "there" in our M and I was emotionally checked out. Is that the truth? Definitely (I've been going to IC ever since). Does it make it OK that he had an A? Absolutely not! Like others have said, this was NOT your fault. My brain knew that from day one, but it took a while for me to really believe it.

It is a good sign that she is in IC, though. I am probably in the minority here, but I think a WS has their own shit to work through and I think that for those who do feel remorse, they probably feel like total garbage for what they did. I'm not saying I feel sorry for them in any way - it was their decision after all - I just mean that I understand that their are some serious emotions going on inside them as well.

Deep down, she knows she has done something to you that she would NEVER want you or anyone else to do to her - ever. Deep down there is shame, guilt, insecurity, and very low self-worth. She is covering all that up with defensiveness, denial, and delusion. It is one incredible picture of ugliness that she knows she is deep into and she does not want to deal with that ugly, ugly mess.

^YES! All of this!

Thanks to everyone that has responded. I can tell that some of you have been through similar situations and know almost exactly how I’m feeling. It’s a real shame that so many of us have had to go through these kinds of things.

She text me this morning saying she needed to stop by the house to grab some things. I told her that was fine, she could stop by and do whatever she needed. Then she tried to call me a few times and I didn’t answer. She text me again saying “please just answer the phone”. I text her back saying I was working and busy, but she could come to the house and do whatever she needed. I am working and I am busy, but I’m working from home. So I’m upstairs and she is down stairs washing and packing clothes, sitting on the computer, and talking on the phone.

Even though I feel pathetic saying this, I do still want to work on R. We have a beautiful 3 year old daughter and I don’t want her to grow up in a broken home. I still love her very much and feel like I could get past everything if she honestly admitted to and deals with her problems, but she is just so in denial. Her pride has completely taken over her now and she is dead set on believing it was just as much my fault. So she is just going to walk away from everything.

I’m sitting here wondering what I would say to her if she came up stairs and asked me about continuing recovery. I’m also scared that she will not say anything and just leave once she has everything she came for. How can she care so little? It seems simple to me to just say I messed up, it’s all my fault, I’m sorry, and I’m going to work on my issues so this never happens again. Just saying that and meaning it would save this marriage, and prevent a poor little girl from going through the confusion of her parents separating.

If she does say anything to me about continuing to work on things, or just wanting to stay at the house, how do I tell her that I do want to work on things without looking desperate? How do I let her know that even though I want this to work out, the way it has been going so far is not going to get us there? I have been following the 180 and moving on for myself. I’ve made sure my daughter is my number one priority. I still miss her and want her to see that she has the power to fix this, if she would just understand what she did, and what she needs to do.

Hatingthis...

My wife said the same things. She mainly said I did it because I was lonely.

After a while I said there should be an AND after the statement "I was lonely".

She never could figure out what the "and" was. I finally did.

My wife was lonely AND her need for external validation was so great that she was willing to throw away our marriage to get it.

Did I tell her everyday how beautiful she was. Yes I did. I did everything a caring husband should do.
But... because it came from me it didn't count. In her mind I had to do that because I was her husband.

I would guess without meeting your wife that she has the same black hole that constantly needs approval and attention. Otherwise she comes unglued.

Let me guess... is she always on facebook? It's external validation crack.

Gently, you did send the message you had nothing to say by not answering the phone. If you want her to say something specific, you have to at least let her talk to you.

Perhaps going downstairs and saying “What did you want to talk to me about? I have a few minutes right now.” And seeing what she has to say. The worst thing that can happen is she continues to say it isn’t her fault, in which case you at least know where her head is.

There isn’t any shame in wanting to reconcile. You’re head is in the right place – she does need to ‘own her shit’ before you can move forward. Otherwise, she’s being given a pass in certain ways.

Again, if you want her to want to reconcile and admit fault, you need to be willing to listen. Not answering and not going downstairs sends the message that you are absolutely done. It’s your call, but you may want to see what she wanted.

Good luck – and yes, we’ve been there. It’s so heartbreaking and hard. You’re doing well – be proud.

She just came upstairs and asked if she could take our daughter to day care in the mornings. She has had her all weekend and I have not seen or heard from her once. I told her that I would be taking her to and from daycare on my days, and that I was open to suggestion on what days she would be with which parent. She just complained that she would not see her at all on those days. I DIDN’T SEE HER AT ALL THIS WEEKEND. She is so selfish.

She didn’t say anything about R or us. I didn’t ask her anything. She walked away in a pissy mood and kind of slammed my office door. I feel like if I go downstairs and try to talk to her we are just going to argue. It seems like she doesn’t care anyway.

Yes, she is. Part of her actions have caused her to not see DD every day. Unfortunately, that goes for you too. You don’t need to let her be there every day. She can take her on her days, and you on yours.

I’m so sorry she didn’t mention, and hasn’t mentioned R. Some WSs would rather run than deal with their issues. Are you in IC? If not, are you considering making an appointment? It has really helped so many.

Your wife in in her own fog, blaming you and thinking she is entitled to everything she wants. I’m sorry that she’s done this to your life and family.

She is a serial cheater who is ready to bang anyone for her selfishness. She dont care about her husband, child or her friends.

You dont know the complete truth now, you have seen only the tip of the the iceberg.

She is not remorseful, file for D and see what she is doing to win you back. You are the prize let she win you. Filimg for D may wake her out of her fog and see what she is going to loose.

Get a paternity test and STD check up.

Did you exposed her to her friend? Did you exposed the OMs to their respective wifes? They deserve the truth.

[This message edited by kannan at 1:30 PM, October 28th (Monday)]

Well, she left the house. I don’t think for good because there are still clothes in the wash. She is unaware that I still have gps tracking on her and I see that she is checking out apartments a few miles away. I had been feeling as though I had already started the process of accepting and trying to move on, but it feels more real now and I’m hurting bad. She has crushed me and broken her family, and doesn’t realize that she can fix it if she really wanted to. I guess maybe she just doesn’t want to.

Hating this, sorry your found us. I could have wrote your story. I take 50% blame for not having a great marriage, but she has to take 100% responsibility for her infidelity. I too have kids. The only reason I'm still married today is because of the kids. Even though my kids are older, the feelings of a broken home are still there.

I agree with what you're still doing. Don't let up on the information you gather. If she wants to work on reconciliation, you've got to be sure there's No Contact with any other men. No Contact means absolutely NO CONTACT. I was afraid early on that if I rode the 180 too hard, I would only push her to her "friend". This will help give you piece of mind that she's serious about wanting to try to R, or just blowing smoke hoping everything will blow over soon.

Like other's have said and which you KNOW, she has to accept 100% responsibility. It's not YOUR fault she did what she did.

When the time comes, you'll know what to say to her. KeptMyWord had good advice!

Let her know you're serious. And No, you're not a wus for thinking about trying to reconcile. If I had done anything differently, I think I would have saw an attorney earlier than I did and maybe even file for D. I don't think I was taken seriously earlier. Today my wife KNOWS, anything else happens, even if she sees him in a supermarket and doesn't tell me, the next thing she'll receive are D papers served at her work.

Sorry you're going through this. Stand tall and be firm. Best wishes to you and your family!!

DefeatedDad,
As much as I would love to put her out in that way, I think it would just lead to more problems should we end up going into a custody battle. I have been thinking about getting a legitimate eviction notice, since the house is completely in my name and I pay all the bills.

Damaged71,
Yes, she is always on Facebook, Twitter, Skype, Pintest, etc. You name it, if there is an opportunity for her to be social she is all about it. She would spend hours of the day on these sites. Our MC and I have told her that much social interaction is a gateway for people like her to slip into EA and/or PA. She has not showed any sign of slowing down.

Painfulpast,
I have not been to IC as of yet, just MC, but now that I’m pretty sure she will not be attending MC with me anymore, I do play on continuing to go for myself.

Kannan,
I have had an STD check and all is well there thank God. She was exposed to her ex-friend. The second OM (in the order that I discovered them) was not married. The third one is married with children, but I can’t bring myself to do anything that may destroy someone else as I am. I know she does deserve to know and I truly hope one day she realizes what kind of man she is with, but I don’t want any part in it.

Thank you all for the support and concern! This site really has been such a help and I would direct anyone I knew going through this kind of pain here.

I know she does deserve to know and I truly hope one day she realizes what kind of man she is with, but I don’t want any part in it.

Would you rather not know, or despite the pain, aren't you at least glad to have the truth?

Truth be told, I'm also afraid what it might do to our chance of R. It really couldn’t seem anymore obvious that R is not going to happen, but I guess I'm struggling to fully let go. She is obviously turning all of her shame and regret into anger and using that anger to help her on her way out of this marriage. If I do anything else it will just lead to more anger and more running away. Perhaps this is me being a little selfish now.

Also I don’t exactly have anyway to contact the OM’s W. I’m sure I could figure out a way if I really wanted to, but wouldn’t that just be me putting effort into this bad situation instead of putting my effort into myself and my daughter?

You’re certainly entitled to some selfishness, but please don’t think you are doing the OBS a favor by not telling. She is living a lie and has no idea – not a position anyone wants to be in.

Regarding your WW – most WSs do not want the A exposed to anyone. They want to protect the AP and themselves. They don’t want anyone knowing their ‘dirty secret’ and they certainly don’t want the AP to be in any trouble.

Most will give you a list of reasons to tell – that exposure ends an A, that having another set of eyes helps, that comparing notes may be the only way that you get the truth, etc. Me? I think the OBS deserves to know, and that if they had discovered first, I would want to know.

You need to do what you feel is best, and nothing else. But again, please don’t think you are doing this woman a favor, because she is in the dark in her own life, and keeping her there isn’t doing her a favor.

I really hope your WW comes around, at least to own her own behavior.