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Newest Member: Notroh2525 (50521)

User Topic: Anyone else's house just a Mess? Notice the capital M.
♀ 40769
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 5:19 AM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So we had a really great weekend. They are definitely getting easier. I had a nightmare, which promoted a very very good talk. We are both putting so much time into this and I really truly see and feel progress.
Every weekend together gets better and better- still on the roller coaster but his actions and words have really been right where they need to be.

So here's my question- is anyone else's house just a mess? I am usually a spot on house keeper- working full time with two kids makes having a cleaning schedule absolutely necessary. But we have been spending SO much time on US and on R ( which is amazing, really). But this Sunday we both realized that NONE of our stuff at the house was getting done.
I haven't been motivated to do anything. The heavy wieght in my heart made it so difficult, and the house and hours of taking and crying and ... Yes... HB :) has meant that the lawn hasn't been mowed in weeks, no one has cholera or anything but my laundry pile is now nicknamed "Jabba the Laundry" and I forgot how the vacuum works.
For so long I just didn't care- I made sure the kids were cared for and clean, but it seemed pointless to do more. I busted my butt for 15 years keeping a nice home, and that didn't stop the A.
We kicked it into gear together yesterday and everything is sparkly shiny again in the house. I feel calmer and like everything is in its place. Most importantly, I felt motivated to clean up, with him beside me, because now I have a reason. I have a strong family and we are moving forward.
I know there will be more dips and turns and tough places, we are still so new. But I slowly feel like we are claiming our lives back. No Monday blues today. :)
Anyone else go through something similar?

Take care of you. Then worry about your M.
Me- FBS 40
Him- FWS 37
15 years
DD- 14 and DS- 13
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
full truth: November 14, 2013
A: 3 months
Working on R

Posts: 953 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
♀ 40674
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 5:37 AM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have done almost no cooking or cleaning in weeks. Fortunately fwh has stepped up and is doing a lot more than before. Occasionally in those early morning dips I have I've done a few things but mostly between work and the kids and working on R and just putting one foot in front of another I'm too exhausted to care. Never mind do it.

Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."

Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
♀ 39802
Member # 39802
Default  Posted: 5:42 AM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


1 year ago I was cleaning 3 bathrooms its like once a week...our laundry is insane...our house is a mess in every room in every place. I tried to make a dent in it since the kids started back to school but have only gotten a small dent in it.

maybe today I will get somewhere.

Posts: 285 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 39803
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 5:51 AM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes... i am not tidy by nature, but everything ha been. . Um. . . reprioritized around here. We are marriage building. The dishes can wait.

(And similarly, being a great cook didn't keep my husband from straying. Seems the way to a man's heart is not through his stomach.)

me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2988 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
♀ 37735
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 6:02 AM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fortunately fwh has stepped up and is doing a lot more than before.

Marathon, how did you get him to do this?
I can't get my WH to turn the game off. It has been a problem since the first day of our marriage, & caused a lot of resentment over the years.

Me: BW
Him: WH --Had 7 mo.EA/ PA with COW;
Married 20something years with kids
Trying to R

Posts: 1723 | Registered: Dec 2012
♀ 40829
Member # 40829
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely, I am normally a complete neat freak, constantly cleaning. Now I just can't seem to muster the energy for it, and I just don't care! I have company coming at the end of the week, so maybe that will motivate me.

The trust of the innocent is the liar's most useful tool.
Stephen King
Me: BW
Him: WH
Married: 20 years
2 sons, 13 & 17
Raising my sons

Posts: 170 | Registered: Sep 2013
♀ 40674
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 6:32 AM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I guess I couldn't make him do it. I have wanted him to do more for years. He has just decided as part of R to take as much pressure off me as possible and has reframed household chores as loving and nurturing his family which he hasn't been doing enough of for a very long time, including before the A.

Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."

Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
♀ 40298
Member # 40298
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My house is still a Mess! I don't care. When D-Day hit 6 months ago I was a zombie. I was barely able to function for my 2-year-old, let alone clean the house. It's getting better, but I still think in the back of my mind "What's the point? A clean house didn't stop the A from happening." Now I just enjoy my daughter and everything else gets done when it gets done. (I do stay on top of laundry, dishes and bathrooms).

I'm glad you are getting to a point that you feel good again. The housekeeping will come back...but what is even better is that you worked on it together. Keep doing what you're doing! The housework will ALWAYS be there. You need this time to keep moving your M forward!

Soooo happy for you!!!

Marriage isn't a test, so why cheat?

Posts: 379 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ 38391
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh yes. We actually hired a cleaning service about a month ago. They only come once every two weeks, but it is enough of a boost to keep things going. I would seriously recommend it if you can afford it.

D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1142 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is pretty typical I think. When my H was having his A her was neurotic about our home benig perfectly clean, and god forbid he come home from work, and I be sitting down, and there be one or two things out of place. Of course this was all due to him transfering his guilt and anger.

I also grew up with a Mom who was OCD about cleaning, seriously white glove test weekly in my room, drawer checks, and if not perfect she would dump them all out in a pile and I would have to reorganize it all.

Housekeeping has never been a huge priority for me, but I worked hard to keep my house nice and pretty, esp when it seemed important to H.

Now I keep it just clean enough that DFS wouldn't take the kids, and I am perfectly happy with it. Seriously, I keep my kitchen very clean, but the rest of the house not so much.

I tell my kids when I'm dead and gone, you aren't going to care if I kept a perfect house, you will care that I was always willing to go do things with you, and my family was my priority.

Him: FWS
Kids: 16 & 18
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 10569 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
♀ 40568
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, yes. I'm a complete neat freak and right now my house, like the rest of my life is completely out of control. I can barely find the strength to get out of bed, let alone clean.

BS, 53
M 9 years
second marriage, second WH
4 kids in their 20s, none together
I have no idea whether we will D or R at this point.

Posts: 424 | Registered: Sep 2013
♀ 37451
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used to spend soooo much time cleaning and cooking and yard work.

Now, it just doesn't take priority.

Like right now, my day off. I just got back from MC and here I am on SI.

I would like it to be cleaner and more organized, but I don't seem to have the motivation.

"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh deleted
I attempted R, he was a lie


Posts: 2342 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
♀ 39588
Member # 39588
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have kind of been the opposite with cooking - I am cooking thanksgiving type meals all the time which I never did before! With all 6 kids in school and H at work I need something to keep my mind busy. I'm anal about keeping the house clean but with 8 of us you either keep it clean daily or get waaaaay behind quickly.

Me (BS): 36
Him aka narcissistic psychopath (WS): 36
Married 17 years 6 kids ages 16-7
DDay #1 (EA) July '08
DDay #2 (EA/ONS- different OW) May 15, 2013

Finally this is R 8/14/13

Filed for divorce 5/8/15

Posts: 326 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ 39670
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My house is a complete diaster. I can't stand it, but I can't motivate myself to do more than what is absolutely necessary. It's been almost 5 months of this. Sadly, WH isn't stepping up AT ALL.

Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ 39439
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you asked anyone who knows me, they would say I was fanatical when it came to cleaning my house - practically OCD. At some point during all of this turmoil in the last year, I looked up in the corner of my living room ceiling and found lots and lots of cobwebs....I considered leaving them for the end of the month (Halloween) but then realized the kids wouldn't see them - Yep, I dusted them down. But, though I'm still a neat freak, it's not as important any longer. My marriage and my WS take priority now.

And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1729 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
♀ 37091
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm embarassed to let others in. I hate how messy my house is. I was never the perfect housekeeper but it would I at least look there is laundry everywhere, a sink full of dishes, I barely cook, and cans and bottles all over my kitchen counter. I try to clean and tidy up but if I'm the only one 2 days later it looks like I did nothing and I just don't have the energy.

Madhatter. Separated.

"You must try to generate happiness within yourself. If you aren't happy in one place, chances are you won't be happy anyplace." Ernie Banks

Posts: 3548 | Registered: Oct 2012
♀ 37575
Member # 37575
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just beyond in my opinion. I think it looks presentable, but I know it's not up to my standards.
We moved shortly after dday so we still have that mess going too. We have a home office that is so unorganized, I feel like I am looking straight into WH's brain when I open the door. Piles of papers, receipts, ect. I wish he would work with me on organizing it. He had been looking for a job and I tried to help him organize the process on a big write board. He wrote a little bit on it, but it became a plaything for the grandkids.
I normally find comfort from cleaning, but I haven't really felt like doing much but the bare minimum.
Glad to know I am not alone! I agree with tush, it's just so much more important now more than ever to do things with your family, besides the kitchen, it's not going to matter in the long run!

Me: BW Him: FWH in our 50's
DDay June 1st 2012
cheated with prostitutes overseas

Posts: 559 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Out West
♀ 41040
Member # 41040
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, my house is a mess. Normally it's picked up and clean, but lived in. I have 2 dogs so the vacuum was my daily buddy. But since DDay last month (and trickle truth revelations last week) I've pretty much done nothing. Last week I was a zombie. WH travels and he called and confessed to my Dad and step mom on Thursday. I hadn't slept in 48 hours (the physical part came to light last Tuesday). My parents were rock stars. Slipped me some Benadryl and cleaned up and took care of the kids. Kids were clean and fed, but they were running out of laundry, etc. I'm doing a little bit today. We actually had a good weekend but nothing got done because we were also working on our marriage (which was so nice).

We are in the very early stages of reconciliation. I can only hope my housekeeping skills will return with time, just like anything else.

WH -38; BS (me) 39
Married 13 years, 3 kiddos
First DDay 9/13. 3 more in the 6 months to follow. Multiple EAs, 2 PA's (co worker and family friend), prostitutes, private massages. Entire marriage was a lie. Sex Addiction diagnosis.
Trying to R.

Posts: 244 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Southeast United States
♀ 35593
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My problem was before and during the A. Our public rooms were ok but behind closed doors the bedroom and bath were a mess. I have read that a messy out of order house is indicative of a messy out of order life. I did not know about the A but something was not right and the mess at home correlated with the mess in my life before DDay. After DDay I think priorities change and life hits us so hard we can only take care of essential things.

After 2 years of messy we both went into clean up mode. We took loads to donate and loads to the dump. It was cathartic and the house looks better than ever. The key, we did everything together. We sorted, toted, painted, cleaned and got our house back together.

I remember that hopeless feeling permeating everything in my life, including cleaning the house. If you are dying, who cares about cleaning up?

Now, if I could just clean my mind up and scrub it, I would be a lot happier.

Me 50's
WH 50's
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.

Posts: 2311 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
♀ 36070
Member # 36070
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right there with you.

Married 13 yrs
3 kids 13, 10 & 1
I'm 34
FWH 37
Affair lasted 6 months
Ended 09/2011
Found out 06/2012
My father died during the affair
In the middle of Reconcilliation

Posts: 291 | Registered: Jul 2012
Topic Posts: 39
Pages: 1 · 2

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