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Is he a liar?

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hopeful18 posted 10/28/2013 07:39 AM

Well on some level to do what he did he told many lies. But I am talking non A things too. Sometimes he just tells these little lies and I am not really sure why. They are really bothering me and I plan to bring it up in mc next week.
I am looking for a pattern and they seem to revolve around making his life easier. For example, to avoid a disagreement. Is this a slippery slope? Why is it so easy for him to lie? I feel like I tell him the truth even when it would be easier to lie. To me this is not being transparent.
Maybe these little white lies make my recovery so hard.

SorrowBhindSmile posted 10/28/2013 09:55 AM

I tend to agree, its not being transparent. IMO, lie is a lie, it doesn't matter what its about. And i also agree, it leads back to a slippery slope. Even lying about stupid little things makes recovery harder. I mean, if WS's lie about anything, regardless if it's A related or not...what else are they lying about??? Thats why being truthful about ANY and EVERYTHING is critical to rebuilding. Trust starts there...with the truth. And for me personally, lying by omission, lying for the sake of "what they dont know wont hurt them", or with holding information to spare additional pain just hinders recovery. It can actually stop it dead in its tracks.

hugs to you!!

HardenMyHeart posted 10/28/2013 09:59 AM

Sometimes he just tells these little lies and I am not really sure why.

My FWW did this. It was because she wanted people to like her, or to impress them.

blakesteele posted 10/28/2013 10:08 AM

People pleasing is a part of non-A related lying, as is conflict avoiding.

I have a thought regarding lying to control.....but haven't matured that thought yet. But it is a component of a WS ability to lie to themselves in such a fashion so as to "okay" adultery as a choice for them.... To enable adultery to be a tool in their box to be used to "deal" with life.

That is part of why it is important for me to observe a change in my wife...to witness her abandoning this "tool" and replace it with healthy ones. I can not think of a situation where lying is "healthy".

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:12 AM, October 28th (Monday)]

devasted30 posted 10/28/2013 10:22 AM

This hits the nail on the head with my WS. He learned at an early age that he could pretty well lie himself out of any difficult situation. He has carried that on all his adult life. He would even lie about the small stuff....stuff that didn't really matter. He would come home from work and I would smell cigarette tobacco on him and I would say, "Ugh, you've been smoking" and he would lie. It was so obvious - but I could never get him to understand that a lie is a lie. He is trying to change. It is difficult as it comes to him so easily. His first instinct is to lie and he is having to fight that each and everyday. Can he change - I sure hope so. He wants to and I think that is half the battle.

[This message edited by devasted30 at 10:23 AM, October 28th (Monday)]

SoVerySadNow posted 10/28/2013 10:29 AM

Perfect for me that this topic appeared magically this morning.

Finally10 and I have suffered a setback. Last night he lied to me when I asked him a clear, direct question. It was about something so small and stupid. But the damage is big and disheartening. I feel dismal and depressed that he so easily lied to me. He eventually came clean, but my heart had already sunk-damage done. He appologised this morning and will be talking with his therapist about it. But...it's a setback. Ugh, no trust. He can't give me the gift of honesty because, like by having the A, he's putting himself first and avoiding things.

I do think it's a slippery slope, hopeful18. Non A things are never considered in the same way after d-day- especially lying. And the ease of lying which you speak of, truly freaks me out. I think it does undermine healing- no question.

I think Blakesteele makes good points. I want that "tool" gone, though.

I mean, if WS's lie about anything, regardless if it's A related or not...what else are they lying about??? Thats why being truthful about ANY and EVERYTHING is critical to rebuilding.

^Bingo^ SBS hits it!


[This message edited by SoVerySadNow at 10:31 AM, October 28th (Monday)]

Dallas2 posted 10/28/2013 10:43 AM

Liar. There are little white lies, big lies and lie of omission. I will not accept any type of lie anymore. I think lying in its nature is about self preservation. Lying is easier then dealing with the truth and the fallout from it.

Any type of lie hurts recovery. Truth is an absolute for reconciling. IMHO.

Edith posted 10/28/2013 10:47 AM

Hi hopeful18,
Yes, he is a liar. In my world, there is no longer such thing as a "little white lie." My FWH is a chronic liar, has lied for his entire life. I tolerated so many lies in the time that we have been together, I shudder to think.

All lying is manipulative. Think about it....trying to get you to believe something that is untrue.

I wish you strength and healing.

E.

sisoon posted 10/28/2013 13:23 PM

I agree that he's a liar, and I agree that honesty is an absolute requirement for R and for a good M, but ...

the fact that he's a liar now doesn't mean he's doomed to be a liar forever. He can learn to tell the truth, and if he does, he pretty much becomes a good candidate for partnership.

JMO.

Flourgirl posted 10/28/2013 13:35 PM

My WH was a liar. It stemmed from FOO issues. It was his way of surviving and it spiraled out of control. It went along with his shame based behavior. I call him out on every lie now. I have found his tell. He still will occasionally lie but it's getting so much better. He has been doing this his whole life it's hard to change in a day. Is he in IC? He needs to find out why he does this.

LA44 posted 10/28/2013 19:24 PM

Honestly,(haha, did I judt write that?!) I tend to believe that the lying gets started in the early years. We all knew when our parents were lying and we either felt uncomfortable by it or we thought..."Well, mom lies so I guess its okay".

But like Sisoon wrote, doesn't mean that will be his path for life.

I remember my H saying to me during A years...we were having a convo and he wasn't sure of a fact. He followed it up with, "if you just say it with confidence people will believe you". Shudder!

hopeful18 posted 10/29/2013 08:08 AM

Thank you all for your thoughtful posts. You are all so wise. I will be bringing this up next week in mc and have the strange feeling he will be surprised to hear me say this.

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