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Worth telling?

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dumbchick posted 10/28/2013 08:17 AM

I had a three month affair with a previous coworker that was both physical and emotional. I quit that job and I have ended it and had NC for over a month. I am in therapy to understand why I would do such a thing and to make sure it does not happen again. Should I just move on or should I tell H?

Deeply Scared posted 10/28/2013 08:29 AM

I think most here will advise you to be truthful with your H.

I don't know if it's possible to have a healthy marriage and good self-esteem if you're hiding such a huge secret. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It will always over-shadow your mood, how you view and react to things.

You're withholding something from him that directly impacts his life and marriage. He has a right to know.

The truth has a way of always coming out, it would be far better in the long run if you were the one to confess versus him finding out on his own.

It's good to have you with us

kroma posted 10/28/2013 08:33 AM

You tell your H. By coming forward and showing honesty and remorse you stand a better chance of keeping your marriage.....assuming that's what you want. He deserves to know. Be prepared. Read some other posts and go to the healing library. Clear your soul.
By hiding this you will continue with guilt bottled up. Not good for you either. Also your H will find out otherwise and trust me that's worse.
Time for your process to begin.

SlowUptake posted 10/28/2013 08:37 AM

Welcome dumbchick.

You really need to confess.
Part of fixing whatever is wrong with you to have had the affair in the first place, is absolute honesty with yourself & your BS(Betrayed Spouse).
I won't sugar coat it. It's going to be the hardest thing you've ever done.
To heal & fix yourself you are going to have to face the consequences of your actions, whatever they turn out to be.

Good luck.

Aubrie posted 10/28/2013 08:41 AM

Hi dumbchick,

I'm a FWW that confessed. Didn't have to. Could have probably gotten away with everything. But I confessed because my husband had the right to know I allowed another man into our relationship. He had the right to know I had broken my marriage vows. He had the right to make an informed decision about his own life.

So you want to live and honest and authentic life? How exactly are you going to be able to be honest and authentic when you are keeping a massive lie from your husband?

Confessing is the most terrifying thing. Believe me, I know! But if you have the courage to do this, I guarantee you, as devastating as it is, it is the first big step in living a healthy, honest, authentic life.

LosferWords posted 10/28/2013 09:18 AM

Hello, and welcome, DC (I have a hard time calling anyone "dumb", even if it is part of their user name, just a personal thing with me).

I really think that you should tell your husband about your affair. The reality is that it will come out eventually. Plus, it is a burden on you to carry this secret, and and unknowing burden on your husband. I know this, because I kept my own affair a secret for 15 years. It impacted me, it impacted my wife, and it impacted my relationship with her.

It's hard to come clean, but I believe it is the right thing to do.

Darkness Falls posted 10/28/2013 10:00 AM


In contrast to Aubrie, I was caught in my affair rather than confessing. Had I not been caught, I would likely never have told my XH about it after it was over.

It was the fact that he had to find out vs. me being honest and coming to him first, coupled with my attitude of "what he doesn't/wouldn't have known won't hurt him" that were factors in his decision to seek divorce after D-day without trying to reconcile. He admits that we likely would have divorced regardless due to the nature of the affair, but the getting caught and the intent to hide it indefinitely were nails in the coffin.

Just another perspective to consider. I wish you well.

JustDesserts posted 10/28/2013 14:04 PM

What everyone else said ^^^^^^

Telling your BH is the first step in you working to become the spouse he deserves...and the person you deserve to see staring back at you in the mirror every day.

Not coming clean, regardless of consequences and outcome, WILL corrode you. Not if...when.

Is your ex affair partner also married?

dumbchick posted 10/28/2013 15:03 PM

Well I told him. He is a mess and left but I don't know where he went. I called and texted once but I know he needs space. I feel like a total piece of shit.

Yes, the other man was married too. He wanted to continue and even leave his spouse, but I did not.

Hisbunnyonly posted 10/28/2013 15:43 PM

you did the right thing.

my BH confronted me about my A and i gaslighted him and then took it underground. He believed me. it stayed underground for monthes before he found messages on facebook and confronted me again. i TT for a couple of days, and then came out with everything. but i wish more than anything i would have just went to him with it. The hardest thing he has had trouble with was that i didn't trust him or respect him enough to come to him with the truth.

nogoodap1 posted 10/28/2013 15:48 PM

Good job on telling him!! I know it's not a good feeling at all but you did the absolute best thing you could have.

the next step is to tell it all and answer every single question with honesty. also be fourth coming with information don't just give what was asked.

You are on the right path. And whatever he chooses is up to him. Just like what you chose was up to you. And we will be here for support and help.

Welcome to SI.

kroma posted 10/28/2013 16:46 PM

What you did shows a lot of courage. He'll see that once his emotions calm a bit. Your actions about coming out with the truth, NC (and keep it that way) changing jobs, and IC are all huge pluses on your side. It'll be a hard road but your path is definitely the right one. Others are right. Don't TT. Get it all out there and be an open book. He will respect you for that and will be easier for him to work his way back to trusting again. Long road but a good head start. Better than most. Better than me.

JustDesserts posted 10/28/2013 16:55 PM

Congrats, Dumbchick. That took guts and more. Maybe the moderators will let you change your username to Smartchick...because you just acted like one. Keep it up.

At some point you and your husband will need to decide if you will "out" your ex affair partner. His betrayed wife deserves the truth. Document your "digital and non-digital paper trail" (emails, texts, calls, etc.) and save. Your betrayed husband might want and deserves that info, and your xAP might call you a liar to save his own cheating ass. Expect it if you give his betrayed wife the truth, and possibly a denial induced response from her. After that, let the No Contact begin, and you and your husband can begin to heal and sort and see where you will go from here.

It's a big horrid mess. You ARE making important progress.

Big kudos, Dumb"Smart"Chick. Solid start and respect.


[This message edited by JustDesserts at 5:13 PM, October 28th (Monday)]

LosferWords posted 10/28/2013 18:28 PM

As hard as it was, and as much as it hurts, you did the right thing. Keep us posted on how things go from here. Best of luck to you.

hearthurts23 posted 10/28/2013 21:17 PM

You did the right thing! I'm sure it's very hard but you should feel good that you have made some moves in the right direction, not like a piece of shit.
As painful as it is, IMO the only way you can have a truly happy future is to be 100% honest. It means so much to me that my husband confessed on his own when he didn't have to. He could have gotten away with it but chose to work through it with me.
I hope that in time your BS can see that you told him because you love him and want to work through this. You sound genuinely remorseful and are taking great steps with NC and counseling for yourself. I hope he gives you a chance to rebuild.

[This message edited by hearthurts23 at 9:22 PM, October 28th (Monday)]

dumbchick posted 10/28/2013 21:35 PM

H is staying in a motel. I don't know how to prove to him that I love him and that he means the world to me. I am sort of a cold person I guess, pretty logical minded (except my dumb decision to cheat obviously). I am not good at sentimental things. What do I do to show him I love him?

Maxiom posted 10/28/2013 22:00 PM

WS Only.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:02 PM, October 28th (Monday)]

Hisbunnyonly posted 10/28/2013 22:10 PM

Staying totally honest with him. Support him. Give him space if he needs it but let him know you are still there if he needs anything. Go on and start a timeline (the who what when where why how, nitty gritty details) and put some deep thought into it. Dates, times everything. He may or may not want it, but that is his decision to make. My BH has my timeline locked up somewhere. H has chosen not to look at it at this time, but has it if he ever were to want it. Understand this will take lots of time and give him that time. Don't push him to "get over it" or "move on" don't justify your actions to him, as there is no justification. Also spend some time looking into yourself. Do you love yourself? Are there issues within you that you need to work out? Answer these questions to yourself honestly....bc it's important to know where you failed in order to succeed.

harrypotter posted 10/30/2013 10:25 AM


I know that was hard, but like so many of the other waywards have already told you it was the right thing to do. But you knew that, that's why you did it. After I had my ONS, I felt I needed to keep OW happy and make her go away quietly and never let my wife find out, that was my plan. All that plan did was facilitate me to lie more and more and continue on with her for months after. I never should have had the ONS but had I had the courage at that point to tell her like you did I wouldn't have done all the other stuff and told all those lies. I lost part of myself in that time and I continue to work at getting it back. I guess what I am trying to say is, everyone knows it's the right thing to do and a lot of us know what it's like to stand in front of the person you love most and tell them something like this so that advise didn't come from people who didn't know. I wish you both the very best, but no matter how this works out know that it was right and who knows how many less demons you may have to face now that you told him instead of trying to cover it up like me.

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