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User Topic: The High Road
No12turn2
♂ 40996
Member # 40996
Frustrated  Posted: 12:20 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(Posted a link to my story on my profile. Not sure how to make the link active)

I have realized (with the help of this forum) that I am on my own as far as we are concerned. I have identified the previous issues we have had in our relationship and taken responsibility for 50% of our marital problems. I also stood firm and claimed 0% of the affair, even though she claims that my actions drove her to it. I can see how I fostered that environment, but not that I made the choice for her.

Taking the high road has been rough and I still feel emotional about the situation. I have since uncovered that regardless of what she said in the past, she has not truly forgiven me for our relationship issues and moving her out of her home state. There is still much resentment and anger towards me, but I am being a better person with hopes that she we can move on. She has no desire to be married at the moment and can only think about moving out and being on her own. Hard to ignore the signs and not think about what that means. She can and probably will decide to date and I have to accept that. Only when I truly let her go do I stand a chance of her coming back. If she doesnít, I can say I tried.

180 doesnít seem to feel 100% right now because I would have to not only feel like I need to move on, I would have to move on. I think I can do that without giving up hope on us, but it is difficult. I also still struggle with not crying in front of her. The triggers for it are insane. You never stop to think about the words in a song and how you relate until you are in that situation. Best use of 180 would probably be for me to date as well, but I just donít feel like I can commit to that. Not sure it would be fair to the other person. So I continue to focus on me and work on my flaws. In the end, whatever is best for me will happen. Why? Because I will make the best of that situation! I have begun to heal myself without the help of my WS. I can hope for her forgiveness for my part of the marital issues, but I can no longer wait for it.

I have forgiven her for the affair and I have stopped snooping on her. Trust but verify really doesnít apply if she doesnít want to R. This seems to bring less stress to both of us. I actually stayed the weekend in the house with her instead of leaving to give her space. Partially because I didnít choose to leave and she had nowhere to go. If she had a safe place to go, no doubt she would have been there. This brings a new level of stress to her because she feels trapped. Trapped by her previous choices such as being a stay at home mom and being out of the workforce for 8 years, taking her time with her schooling, not leaving me years ago when she claimed the issues started. She has no prior work experience to get her a good paying job and that is what is keeping her in the house. No money for her own life. As you can imagine, the blame quickly gets shifted to me for making the choice to move for my job. She would have been done with school in her home state and working as a nurse, or she would have friends and family to help her through this issue, or she wouldnít have to live in a state that she hated. I made the move to support my family and Iíll admit it was an easy choice to make. I have family here and that beats staying in her home state with no job and no money to live. She initially agreed to move here but now claims that she lied about wanting this and claims I should have known. I donít feel like I can get a win with her no matter what I say.

So I continue to work on me and shower her with unconditional love. Has it brought us any closer? Probably not, but it has burst her bubble a bit and makes me feel like Iím on the right track. Iím certain open to suggestions and I encourage any comments you have. I often find myself checking on a regular basis to see if anyone has replied. The guidance I get here is worth more than you know. It helps to hear from people who have been through this and I thank you for that!

[This message edited by No12turn2 at 12:26 PM, October 28th (Monday)]


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 526 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
mchercheur
♀ 37735
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((No12turn2)))
They say on here that you can't love your WS back into the marriage.

180 doesnít seem to feel 100% right now because I would have to not only feel like I need to move on, I would have to move on. I think I can do that without giving up hope on us, but it is difficult.

as it says here:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=232785

The purpose of the 180 is not to save your marriage---you do it for yourself.
We can't control someone else.


I am reading it again today myself.
Sending you strength


Me: BW
Him: WH --Had 7 mo. PA with COW;
Married 20something years with kids
Trying to R

Posts: 1465 | Registered: Dec 2012
Crushed1
♀ 6449
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She initially agreed to move here but now claims that she lied about wanting this and claims I should have known. I donít feel like I can get a win with her no matter what I say.

It's a lose-lose situation as long as she's blame-shifting onto you. Are you supposed to be a mind-reader? She now claims she 'lied' about wanting to move to where you are now, so how were you supposed to know how she really felt?

Sorry (((No12turn2)))


~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

Posts: 9899 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
No12turn2
♂ 40996
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crushed,
Apparently everyone else could see it but me.

This sucks because I go through mood swings a million times a day. One minute I feel angry with her and the next, I feel sad about loosing her. I'm a total mess


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 526 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
mchercheur
♀ 37735
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No12turn2
What you are feeling is normal. I read your profile in your other post & I agree with the other posters that you are taking on way to much responsibility for your WW's actions. She also sounds DEEP in the Fog. Agree that the best thing you did was file.
It is the only chance you have of jolting her out of the fog & possibly keeping your family together.
My WH did not stop contact with OW until I set up the appt with the divorce mediator & took off my wedding ring & handed it back to him.
I know how difficult this is---have been in your shoes.
Sending you strength.
It will get better.


Me: BW
Him: WH --Had 7 mo. PA with COW;
Married 20something years with kids
Trying to R

Posts: 1465 | Registered: Dec 2012
Ostrich80
34827
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I've learned anything its what someone else just posted. You cannot love them out of it. That's got to hurt thinking she's there because there's no where else to go. Take care of yourself and be kind to you. I don't know what the answers are, just sucks.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5276 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
No12turn2
♂ 40996
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the advice. I'm sure I'll figure this out. Until then, I'm just bouncing around emotionally, looking for what I lost.


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 526 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
ladies_first
♀ 24643
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I go through mood swings a million times a day. One minute I feel angry with her and the next, I feel sad about loosing her. I'm a total mess

What you call a "mess," I call traumatized. Traumatized by have your whole reality shattered. Are you in IC, No12turn2? An IC is trained professional to whom you can turn.

She has no desire to be married at the moment and can only think about moving out and being on her own.

I shower her with unconditional love.

Are you loving yourself?


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
No12turn2
♂ 40996
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am in MC and IC. She is not in IC. I'm trying to love myself but It feels like half of me is gone.

(THIS JUST HAPPENED)
I just found a Facebook post of hers from Valentines Day. She posted a pic of the card I sent that said "Be mine...Again." She replied. "thanks babe, you don't even have to ask. I'm a lucky lady."

I asked her how she could feel like she didn't love me for YEARS and post that just 6 months before D Day. She said she had to keep up the charade. I've been crushed yet again.

She continued to say that maybe this was one good moment out of a thousand bad ones. She tried to convince herself that she was ok with her life and finally had to be honest with herself.

[This message edited by No12turn2 at 3:58 PM, October 28th (Monday)]


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 526 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
ladies_first
♀ 24643
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been crushed yet again.

So The High Road leads to feeling hopeful-hopeless-crushed? Maybe it's time to walk down a new road/street?

1- I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I'm lost....I am helpless.
It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.

2- I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I'm in the same place.
It isn't my fault. It still takes along time to get out.

3- I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there.
I still fall in.....It's a habit.
My eyes are open. I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.

4- I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

5- I walk down a different street.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Crushed1
♀ 6449
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ladies First - love the sidewalk analogy!

(((No12turn2))) You can't reason with craziness.

So I continue to focus on me and work on my flaws. In the end, whatever is best for me will happen. Why? Because I will make the best of that situation! I have begun to heal myself without the help of my WS.

You rock No12turn2! Great thoughts, keep empowering yourself! At first I thought my WH could help me heal, but it took me a while to realize that wasn't gonna happen and I had to save myself. It's sad to watch someone you loved spiraling down, down, down, but hitting rock bottom sometimes is the only way for a person to find their way back up. Some of them never do...


~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

Posts: 9899 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
No12turn2
♂ 40996
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The road I'm trying to get on isn't easy. I know I'm vulnerable either way. Road with holes for obvious reasons. Road with no holes means I have to accept that I may not get her back. Just not sure my heart is ready to accept what my brain keeps telling me.


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 526 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
No12turn2
♂ 40996
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Folks, I'm ready to start 180 or last resort method. I have a concern that I need help with first. Are these methods designed to work on a spouse who actually WANTS you to move on? She has told me so many times and said this would be easier if I would do that.


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 526 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
TrustGone
♀ 36654
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Again it isn't about moving on. It's about finding strength in yourself. Even if it does sometimes cause the wayward to move on or to get their head out of their ass and try to R, it is still about YOU. (((HUGS)))


BW-52
WH#2-53
M-10 yrs T-12 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
DD#4-11/28/14 He ran off to be with OW after assaulting me
Divorcing

Posts: 2492 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
MC_Jack
♂ 35016
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dude,

...the 180 is for YOU. I really am always surprised how the purpose of the 180 gets conflated.

...the 180 is to help you focus ON YOU, get better and stronger, get YOU on the path of MOVING ON.

...the 180 is about protecting yourself from the self-inflicted pain from interacting with the WS and letting your mind/heart venture into hopa-hopa-land.

...when you are reclaiming your life and moving on, you are protecting yourself from more pain.

...the 180 has nothing to do with the WS...

GOT THAT?

Jack


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" because I like the Music City. I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 901 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Mountain West
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just doubling what MC_Jack an mchercheur say:

The 180 aims to benefit you. It doesn't aim to affect your W at all.

[This message edited by sisoon at 5:22 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10758 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
No12turn2
♂ 40996
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Geez, I thought I found the secret weapon. Sure does suck


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 526 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
Crushed1
♀ 6449
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 12:23 AM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes the 180 will make a WS wake up, but don't expect it to...if it does, then bonus for you if R is your goal.

The 180 is for you, it's a step in the road of detachment! In case WS continues on in their insanity this will enable you to be at least a bit detached so it will make the bumpy road ahead easier on you emotionally and mentally.

See, by doing the 180, you will appear 'changed' to the WS and it will throw them off guard, because you're not responding in your usual manner.

180 will give YOU a new power in the situation, which is slanted toward the WS while they are cheating.

You can STOP the insanity, take YOUR power back!


~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

Posts: 9899 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
No12turn2
♂ 40996
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I started last night and I actually felt good about it. I made it a point to not be in the room with her if I didn't have to. That was always a big one for me. In 30 short minutes, I found her wandering into any room I was in just to see what I was doing and if I was ok. I simply replied that I had some things to think over.

I did take a nosedive later though. She knows I've been having issues in the man department so she sent me a picture of her breasts last night. I should have not accepted but I really wanted the picture.

I tried not wearing my ring for a while just to see how it felt and I was not ready for that. This has always been a big issue for me. I plan on continuing 180 and being stronger than I was last night. I know it will take some time.


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 526 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
painfulpast
♀ 41038
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did take a nosedive later though. She knows I've been having issues in the man department so she sent me a picture of her breasts last night.

What? I repeat, what?

She is telling you that she wants out, that she has had thousands of 'bad moments', that she is unhappy, etc. And the minute you begin behaving like you are moving on, she sends you a sexy picture?

She is LOVING the attention she is getting. She loves you moping around, begging to reconcile, being sad that she's leaving. She is manipulating you in truly horrific ways.

Don't accept this. Did you respond to the picture at all? Or did you stay with the 180 and not say anything?

She is really messing with your head. If she felt it was over, she would NOT have sent that. She wants to keep you on the hook.

I am so sorry she's doing this to you. Please recognize it for what it is and keep with the 180! This is just a tactic to get you to give her attention, nothing more.

You can do this. You don't need a manipulative cheater toying with you. Stay strong!!


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Topic Posts: 48
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