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Backwards, need help and strength

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Artemisia posted 10/28/2013 13:10 PM

I'm not sure where to post but I thought the good people in D/S could help. (Story: not married, together 6 years, wedding planned for next summer, he left june 2013, dday a few weeks later, we have been complete NC for a few months).

I remember when he first left I wanted him back so badly I would do anything, anything, sell my soul if needed. It didn't work, and eventually I thought I accepted that we were over, although I knew I was still hurting and grieving. But this weekend I went backwards.

I just wanted to see him, talk to him, and in my heart, ask him to come home. If I'm honest, I wanted to call and beg him back again.

I didn't. What I did instead was re-activate facebook and look him up, which I haven't done in ages. I was shaking.
I don't know what I wanted out of it. The worst thing: it almost looks like he and OW, who he was, in his words, "starting
a new relationship with" aren't together anymore. There's no sign of her, even in his birthday photos.

Which makes me feel even worse. So, she didn't turn out to be the love of his life after all? But he's still obviously done with us.
I don't know how to deal with it. I feel like I was tricking myself into accepting we were over all those months.

Now I'm not sure. How did you all do it? How do you stop loving them? How do you let go? How do you stop wanting it all back? The person I'm most angry with is myself. Why do I still want him back? 2x4 me, maybe?

[This message edited by Artemisia at 6:56 PM, October 28th (Monday)]

7yrsflushed posted 10/28/2013 13:21 PM

Don't feel bad, cut yourself some slack, and pat yourself on the back for NOT calling. It takes time for our hearts to catch up with our heads. Many of us went through the same feelings and it's not easy. Our WS's have a headstart on cutting us out of there hearts and we are playing catch up. Just keep up the NC and keep yourself busy doing things you want to do. Eventually you will get there.

He cheated so whether he is still with the OW isn't the point. The point is if he hasn't done the work then he still isn't safe for you so don't be his back up plan. Keep working on you.

momentintime posted 10/28/2013 14:02 PM

What you want back is you view of the relationship you had. I am sure that view didn't have him cheating and lying to you. Once you stop romantizing the old R and see it for what it truly was, you will begin to accept it wasn't as great as you mind is projecting it to be.

When you can accept that, you will begin to heal and move forward. You deserve to be loved and respected. That is ahead of you, you won't find it looking back.

lifestoshort posted 10/28/2013 14:07 PM

i like that last post. its right on.
I had to see over and over that my husband who I loved so much was not in love with me. I had to SEE, READ, and hear from others over and over how he was with yet another woman. I had to go date another person and another to finally see OTHER men can be nice, and not cheat. and pay for dinner. and not need sex right then.

i had to get alot of hurt on before I could heal. I also found spending more time on me, instead of him (after I saw enough) helped me feel better about myself to move on. it took me 3 yrs tho.

sunsetslost posted 10/28/2013 14:54 PM

The saddest thing is that I don't think love ever goes away. It changes though. I'll always love my STBX but in a different way. In a past, d memory kind of way. As somebody I shared a lot of experiences with. The fact is that he's not the person you thought he was. He's selfish. What you miss is the idea of your past relationship and you are probably
mourning the plans for how you thought your life was going to go.
Take care of yourself. Dust yourself off and try to stay positive. You'll be ok. It takes time. There are good people out there, I promise.

StillLivin posted 10/28/2013 15:47 PM

You cannot always help who you love, but you can 100% help who you are with. Love yourself first. Once you do that, it gets easier to let go.

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