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Sister Divorcing, Opinions Please

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SisterMilkshake posted 10/28/2013 14:30 PM

Some background. Sister and I married the same year, 1979. (34 years) A couple of years ago, sister caught her husband having an EA online with his old H.S. GF, who is also married. BIL doesn't live in same state as old GF, a thousand miles apart.

Anyway, they separated shortly after for about 6 months. They barely spoke (she was doing the 180) whilst separated and as far as I know never addressed the EA as my sister didn't want to discuss it with me as it was too painful for her. BTW, sister doesn't know that FWH cheated on me.

BIL moved back in, but stays in a separate bedroom. They did the Love Dare and I think they got some counseling from a church counselor, but I believe they totally rugswept the EA. Things were good for about 2 months, then it was the same old, same old, but the EA hadn't resumed.

They have been back together for a little over a year. My BIL told my sister ILYBIANILWY about a month ago. Told my sister he hasn't felt that way about her for years before they even separated. Why did he come back?

When they separated her children took sides. (They have six and six grandchildren.) They couldn't understand why my sister didn't want to go to functions her husband was at. They don't understand all my sister has put up with her husband. The EA. He was fired from an excellent job because he sexually harassed someone, although sister doesn't believe he did, feels they were trumped up charges. Maybe it was, IDK. Fired from another excellent job because he failed a drug test. Didn't get another very good job because he failed a drug test. He smoked pot with his two oldest sons. Pot is the drug that he uses, nothing else. Doesn't even drink.

BIL is very passive, unmotivated and has no ambition. Sister has to harass him to do anything around the house. (repairs and maintenance of the house) He never disciplined the children, sister always had to be the bad guy. He was always the fun Dad and very laid back.

They have one child, a son 15y.o., who still lives at home. BIL and son aren't very close, although, when they were separated he made time for his DS15 and spent at least one day a week with him.

My sister told me this weekend that she wants to move to the West Coast (they live in the Midwest, as do I, about 8 hours east of me). She would take DS15 with her. She wants to go to a Bible college there that isn't accredited. She would go for 2 years and get an internship that hopefully would launch her into a full time job. She will go to school for 2 years and come out with no degree. She knows some people there at the college and feels the support she would get there is what she needs. She really wants to work in ministry. She also told me that she knows that I wouldn't understand because what she wants to do has a lot to do with her faith that this is what she is supposed to do. I told her she is right, because I believe you have to be realistic, too. Sister is 54 y.o. She wouldn't be making this move until the end of this school year, so summer of 2014.

I will support my sister is whatever she wants to do. I can't even imagine having to start over at 54 and after 34 years of marriage. However, I feel that it is just "wrong" of her to take her 16 year old son across the country away from all he knows, siblings, grandparents, nieces, nephews and father because this is what she wants to do. She complains about how selfish BIL is, but I feel this is selfish of her. Am I off base? Does she need to do this for her New Beginning? Is it wrong of me to feel she should wait until her son is done with H.S.? She tells me she doesn't feel she can heal living in the small town they live in. She won't get the support she needs from her other children.

I suggested she move from her small town to a large city. There are several she could choose that are an hour to two hours away from where she lives. I suggested that she go to a vocational school where she could get a real two year degree, for instance, in accounting. She could work in ministry with an accounting degree and also secular jobs with an Associates Degree. She pooh poohs any idea other than her wanting to go to this Bible school.

What do you all think? Should I just 100% support this idea of my sisters and not try to redirect her? She is very stubborn and my efforts probably wouldn't make a difference, but I feel I need to point out that this may not be the best for her DS15. They don't have money at all. She said my BIL would fly out to see DS15. I asked "Once a month?" she said no probably only a couple of times a year. DS15 and father already have a distant relationship how much more distant will this make it?

If you have read my mini novel, thanks. I would really appreciate your opinions. I need to see others perspective that have been in this position, as I have not.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 2:40 PM, October 28th (Monday)]

lieshurt posted 10/28/2013 14:46 PM

Pardon me if I missed this, but has anybody asked your nephew what he'd like to do? If not, I'd start there. I wouldn't uproot my son at that age and would wait until he finished school. Or, I'd leave him with his father or another family member if he doesn't want to go.

SisterMilkshake posted 10/28/2013 14:49 PM

They haven't told their children yet. Sister is adamant that she wouldn't leave son with pot smoking Dad. Dad seems to be fine with son moving to West Coast.

DS15 is a great kid. I could see him saying he would do whatever his mother wants, even if he doesn't want to. He is very close to his mother.

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