SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey everyone,

I have never come to the internet like this for advice even though I work online…

To provide a little information about my situation, I’m 23 almost 24 and my gf is 24.

I run my business from home and she works in retail currently. I pretty much provide

the basics at home as we live together b/c I make decent money and I know that

helps her out since I’m financially in a pretty good place but still not where I want

to be.

We’ve been together for almost 2 years now and we’ve had our ups and downs

like anyone else. I found messages from her ex bf (he initiated) on Facebook about a year ago

and she was saying she missed him a lot and that she doesn’t really love me, etc.

I brought it to her attention in tears and it took over a week to really even talk much.

She claimed she was so sorry and that she didn’t really mean any of it and that she

really does love me.

We ended up getting close again and I thought the incident made us closer and she

even said that as well. I have never cheated on her with anyone verbally or physically.

She lives in a “good girl/means well” life, she doesn’t drink or do drugs and in someway kind of

judges people who do. She never had a good relationship or one at all for that matter

with her father and she admits her family structure is pretty messed up. This judging

part about being such a good person comes up soon and it’s the part that is messing

with my mind the most.

Fast forward to now, Oct 2013. I found emails from her ex that were dated back in May

and March 2013, it looks like she replied to only one of the ones from March with a picture

and thats it. The other one from May where he confessed his love to her was ignored

but forwarded to her mom to read.

She would have never told me about these interactions unless it wasn’t for a falling

out with a friend of hers and her friend was threatening to tell me things that I didn’t

know. One of them being the emails from her ex. I had to ask about them and she

told me what he said and also said she never responded to them.

This is where things get serious and break my heart…

It’s hard for me to type this but I also found emails dating back to June 2012 (about

5-6 months after we were exclusive and about 1 month after we moved in together)

from 2 random guys. I’ve never heard of them before but the way the conversion was

from their end it sounded like a sugar daddy website type interaction. The emails were

explicit on the guys end but only a few pictures on her end with minimal conversation

coming from her. It basically looked like a sugar daddy type of communication as in,

“I will be in town and would love to finally meet you and see if our chemistry is right”

and the other just being pretty explicit and dirty from the guy.

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever faced and to be honest I don’t know what to do. I

know financials should not condone this type of behavior, right? I mean I work hard

but I’m sitting on a decent 5 figure some of money that I’ve earned when she is working

a regular job. But I’m not out buying tangibles or anything of that nature that would

make anyone feel bad. On top of that I found a sent email from 10 days ago to a

craigslist ad about “Make $$$$ weekly - Meet your sugar daddy” type deal. And I’m

pretty sure I already know how that goes. Would her living paycheck to paycheck

make her go to this extreme? I pay for basic stuff at home but I’m sorry I can’t be

paying everyones student and/or car loans right now.

My heart wants what it wants but with all these things built on each other this seems

extreme and I don’t know what to do. I genuinely feel that she does love me and my

family but would that make someone do something shady behind my back to pay the bills?

I try to be strict about my money b/c well in my business it takes money to make money

and its voilatle so I can’t just be paying everyones bills just yet.

If she didn’t have (what I thought to be) a good heart and being a good person I

would have dropped her before I started typing but I feel like her past and lack

of a good family structure messed her up. She also recently expressed how she

said that I show no passion and she wants to feel loved…

I find it hard to believe that I’m not loving and caring just because I’m focused on

business and making sure my future family is secure.

I feel sick now. :(

Right – and a sugar daddy will make her feel loved?

She is saying you lack passion because she wants to find fault with you to make what she is doing seem ok. It isn’t. Answering CL ads is NOT ok.

You need to do what you think is best, but this isn’t her first time doing such things, and she keeps going down this road. She either wants the attention, or she wants money, but neither are OK.

You don’t need to justify not paying for her things, but if you aren’t that serious, maybe living together isn’t the answer. To behave as roommates that have sex instead of a couple that shares things like bills, responsibilities, etc, can really make someone feel that the relationship is very clinical and superficial. If you aren’t ready to be ‘all in’ then you probably should be a little more out.

That in no way excuses her behavior, but you kept mentioning it, so my guess is that somewhere inside yourself you sense something is wrong with your relationship. You don’t feel like she is the one to start making such sacrifices for, and clearly there’s a reason.

Answering ‘sugar daddy’ ads is about one step away from prostitution, imo. I wouldn’t want someone that I needed to worry about that with. You’re young. This hurts, I know, but you don’t have things tying you to her. You need to really think hard if this is worth the effort that you’ll need to put into it, because you already know her boundaries are basically non-existent.

I'll go one step further and say that answering sugar daddy ads IS PROSTITUTION that's what prostitutes do, have sex for money and if she says otherwise she's lying. Look you're young I say run like hell from this girl...sorry.

She also recently expressed how she

said that I show no passion and she wants to feel loved…

It's one thing to feel that our needs are not being met in a relationship - it's entirely another to betray the person who trusts us the most.

Please do not think that her behavior is a reflection on you. SHE craved attention. SHE lied. Whether the relationship is salvageable is up to you and time, but be sure of one thing - YOU did not do anything to deserve to be treated like this.

It hurts like hell, don't kick yourself if you can help it. Read our healing library, and lean on the members.

We're here for you.

Man oh man. My gf was doing the cam thing for money while I was working. I was paying for everything and we never had monetary issues. But, cheaters use any justification to satisfy their sick needs. They will try to justify their actions and will seek friends that encourage this.

I wouldn't be surprised if a friend of hers is doing it and dragged your gf into it as well

I have sons a little older then you and if their SO was doing this I would tell them to seek couples therapy if I thought the girl was good at heart. Otherwise run while you can doll..

It's entirely possible that this relationship, from your presoective, is very different from the relationship from her perspective. This smells of meal ticket to me. Sorry if that's harsh.

You've only known her 2 years. Cut your losses and run. You're not her saviour. If you try to be, and she is who I suspect she may be, this could be a very costly situation for you.

I agree with heartache. If you really feel as though she is worth it, work on the relationship. Be sure she knows that if this ever happens again you are done. I would also suggest that she move into her own apt or something. This would be a good indicator of her honesty with you. If she drops you because of this, then she is just after security. If she is still willing to work things out. then, she is the kind harted person that you think that she is.

@painfupast @1devastedmom @landoes I don’t believe the loved part has anything to do with the sugar daddy stuff, I do believe its her feeling cornered and not having any family structure to tell her what is right and wrong in that sense. After we had a long drive and talk last night it seemed apparent that she was at worst case scenario when it came to needing money to pay the bills. There were also other things she did to pay the bills like begging religious places to clean the building to pay her rent. I don’t think, or I should I pray to god it wasn’t something she enjoyed but that it was a worst case scenario or live in the streets. Its just weird b/c she is so smart, good hearted and beautiful but without guidance I suppose this can happen?

@jrazz I appreciate your kind word, that means a lot to me, I don’t even know how I found this place but I’m happy I did. I thank you.

@heartache101 I think we might be doing this soon. We had a long talk about everything last night and she told me more about her past that I didn’t know about. Her family is basically non existent as far as support and being there as she was growing up. She is a good person and I know that by the things she does for me and how she always wants to be with me but not in a suffocating way but in a loving way. If she wasn’t a good person with good intentions and a good heart I would have already ended it without even coming on here. So with that there are changes that need to be made for us to work. We had an argument the same day that she responded to that CL ad which she said she thought I was going to leave her so she went for the worst case scenario in case I left so she could find another place to live. Nothing came from that ad but if it did we would have been done b/c at that point it would just be being selfish. The other communications were about a year and a half ago and I didn’t find anything from then till now, so out of the 2 years, 1 1/2 years has been clean. Insecurity is a problem (she finally admitted it last night) and it needs to change for us to work, so I’m praying she can make the chance for the better to see the positive in life.

All I want is someone who is down for me, the one who will be there when I get back if I go overseas one day to fight for our country someday. I don’t think I’m asking for much, us men are simple creatures. We want trust, loyalty and someone who is down to ride till the end. I’ve made it clear now to her and if she feels that I don’t love her as much as she loves me, it’s because I need to be 100% sure she is down before I give her everything. I almost feel like I’m watching my life in the form of the movie “Casino” just hopefully without the terrible ending and her actually being a good person with a worst case scenario demon inside her.

Thank you for your replies so far guys, I really appreciate you all for insight.

[This message edited by jr16 at 2:09 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]

@josephine01 I think I made it clear to her last night about the situation and my needs for someone who is down, loyal and there no matter what. As far as asking about her getting her own apartment, we live in the biggest city in the country which happens to be expensive… I would like to ask her JUST to see what she says but I have a feeling that it would lead her into being insecure that I don’t want her around which is not true, if that makes sense? I also think b/c of our geo location that if she was after security she could find it within a day here so I do believe she really loves me and wants to be with me because I’m a small fry compared to the whales here in terms of money and security. And to add, she supports me in everything I do and wants me to succeed with all my ambitions. We split rent, go half on most bills and I pay for all the food (I wanted to split things intentionally from the start)… b/c of this I don’t believe it’s a security thing. Thank you for your reply Josephine.

[This message edited by jr16 at 2:21 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]

I just wanted to say thank you for your replies. Means a lot wether they are blunt or more thoughtful. I appreciate you.

You know, I have an almost 23 year old son & I would tell him to run now before there is marriage or kids involved. Marriage is so hard as it is, why would you want to begin it with doubt about your spouse?

As much as i know you dont want to hear it, I agree with the meal-ticket comment previously posted. You said in 1 of your last posts that the previous emails were 1 1/2 yrs ago. Wasnt that right at the time you moved in together? Hence.....she found her ticket, so stopped??? Now due to her friend saying she was telling you, it began again? Just seems to follow the pattern.

Is she going to do this to you every time she geeks insecure?

Also, I became a mother @ 17 & got married. My parents basically cut me off financially. I knew if I was starving or desperate, they would be there for me but also knew I was pretty much on my own otherwise. But it made me strong as i knew i had to be there for my boys & I am now so thankful they made me do it.

On the other hand, my mom-in-law in turn gave my XWH so much $ trying to help us since we were so young that my XWH had no idea how to be a man & support his family & spent most of her $ drinking & doing drugs.

My moral of that thread-jump is that is she using her family as an excuse? I know there may be other issues we are unaware of, but she is still an adult who from how you say is a good person should be making better decisions than trying to prostitute her self out to older men. Even if she never followed thru, she was testing the waters.

Also..I was once a single mom of 2 boys whose father didnt pay child support. So I did my 40 hours a week at a Dr Office & then cocktail waitressed 3 nights a week. I made as much waitressing those 3 nights as i did in my Dr job 5 days a week.

My point is that it may be one of the "looked-down-upon- lowly-jobs" but you can make damn good money waitressing. And most anyone can get a waitress/server job. If I am ever in a desperate state again, that is what I would do....not run to a "sugar-daddy" website.

Just saying, hon.

jr16, How are you making out?

First, I'm very sorry you're here--no one should ever have to be, but it's a good place to be if you need it.

Your girlfriend is a cheater. She's been doing it since the beginning of your relationship.

Two years is a long time to be used. Two decades is a lot longer---and let me tell you, it pretty quickly turns to that.

Your girlfriend is looking for something to fill the holes in her soul. Maybe they were left by a father who was not there. Maybe she's created them herself. Either way, she's got a nice guy at home, taking care of her, but is out looking for creepy strangers to take care of her.

What void is she trying to fill? How does she think sugardaddy strangers will do that? Really, she needs some help that you can't give---just as the Craigslist (or whatever) sugardaddies can't.

Thing is, you also can't change her. You can't love her enough, buy her enough, shelter her enough, forgive her enough that she will love you in a healthy way.

She has to learn to do that herself.

She will need help.

And before she gets that help, and learns to love healthily, she will have to realize she NEEDS to do this, and then she will have to reach a point where she WANTS to do this.

Do you want to be your girlfriend's daddy? It sounds like she has a pretty sweet setup with you---you've got your five figures, and she's got the freedom to hook up with randoms from the internet.

Please consider that your relationship is not what you believed it to be. I know it hurts---trust me, I had 30+ years of a fraudulent relationship.

Also---if nothing else---GET TESTED FOR STDS. Do not have unprotected sex with your girlfriend. She is corresponding with internet "sugardaddies." They don't tend to take care of their "sugarbabies" without sexual involvement. (There can be exceptions, but not usually.)

You say she's got a good heart and is a good person. I'd say the evidence is to the contrary.

Let me recount a story (that my husband detests by this point because, well...it can be applied to him just as easily). My oldest nephew, we've come to learn, is a (diagnosed) sociopath. During his very late adolescence, he lived with my husband, me, and our kids. It was a volatile situation, during which I saw him for what he really was. My much-beloved nephew was a conscienceless criminal. A very charming, very handsome, very manipulative sociopath. I used to joke he was the only person who made it feel good to be walked on like a doormat. I don't joke about it any more because he got increasingly dangerous and destructive. Now, he doesn't even know where I live.

At the time, we lived far from "home." But soon after, we returned to our hometown, leaving said nephew behind---in jail.

So, I took my youngest to the pediatrician. This doctor was my doctor when I was young, and doctor to all of my nieces and nephews, as well as my oldest before we moved away. It was time for him to meet my youngest.

During the visit, he did the requisite asking about all the various family members. When he got to my nephew, I did a long song and dance about him, ending with, "But you know, despite all that, he's a really nice guy."

And the doctor looked at me as if I were insane and said, very plainly, "No he's not!"

And he was right. It WAS irrational to describe the things I had, then dismiss the reality with "But he's a nice guy."

He's NOT a nice guy.

Your girlfriend does NOT have a good heart. It might not be BAD, but it's not where it needs to be in order to be in a committed relationship.

It's time to erect some boundaries. It's perfectly reasonable to have requirements of the person with whom you share a bed and life, and to have consequences if those requirements are not met.

Don't let 2 years turn into 25.

ETA: Your girlfriend is an adult. She is doing the things she is doing because she chooses to do so, not because she had a lousy family of origin (FOO). Lots of us have screwed up FOOs and choose to behave as responsible adults. Until she knows she needs help--and WANTS that help--she will not develop good coping skills or better handle her past as she lives the present.

Most importantly YOU CAN'T MAKE IT BETTER FOR HER. You can't love her lousy father away.

She needs help. If she doesn't get it she will likely wreak escalating havoc in your life.

And that is something for which YOU must take responsibility--because the only person whose thoughts, feelings, and actions you can change is YOU.

Decide what you want in life. Do you want to play the role of Knight in Shining Armor (KISA, in these parts) or sugardaddy? To the bystander, it looks an awful lot like she's cast you in that role.

I hope I'm wrong.

[This message edited by solus sto at 7:57 AM, October 31st (Thursday)]