SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

StrongAlone posted 10/28/2013 15:29 PM

My husband and I have been separated for 8 months now. I kicked him out after I found out he was back to cheating on me again, it's the third time I've caught him. He confessed to being a sex addict and even went for a few months of counseling but of course he stopped going. I don't know if I buy the whole sex addict label because to me he's just a liar and a cheat. Enough said.

So he had the kids this weekend and they told me they met and hung out with his 'friend' who just happens to be a woman. Funny how he never had any female friends before, just kept them all secret I guess. Anyways I was pissed off because we had agreed that neither of us would bring anyone around the kids right now, they are only 5 and 7 years old. I told him so in an email and he said he knew I'm jump to conclusions regardless of the facts.

So I emailed him back and calmly asked him to provide me with the 'facts'. What was her name, how did you meet her, and how long have you known her for? Well guess who I still haven't heard back from?

So my question is, have any of you had any success in writing up a contract between you and your ex in regards to limiting contact with strangers of the opposite sex? He's a sex addict for god's sake and I don't know what crumby corner of the internet he found this ho-bag but I sure as hell don't want her around my kids! Do I have any legal rights to know who this person is? I'm guessing the law doesn't give a crap...

We haven't even started divorce proceeding but let me tell you, this has lit a fire under my ass!

sparkysable posted 10/28/2013 15:32 PM

I'm guessing that based on what I've heard and seen, we have no control over who the other parent brings our children around. Few are successful in getting it into any paperwork, though everyone WANTS to, it doesn't seem like anyone is successful with that.

SBB posted 10/28/2013 16:05 PM

Unless it is in your divorce decree then no, you have no rights.

The sad clown is 40 and introduced his 24 year old office cocaine-loving office gopher/whore to my then 4.5 and 2 year olds as his GF only 20 weeks after S.

I have met her several times - I won't know his future whores at all so I will too be facing having a complete stranger around my girls and it makes me sick. He will face it too when I am ready to introduce my SO to the girls - that won't be for some time but I doubt it would lessen the blow.

We had an agreement too - as we say here "Don't expect in S/D what you didn't get in your M". He didn't keep promises to you in your relationship, expect that he won't in S/D.

Nature_Girl posted 10/28/2013 16:06 PM

No, you have no rights at all to limit who is around your kids or to know who is around your kids. Some states allow you to put a morality clause in your paperwork, but those are notoriously difficult to enforce or even get included in the paperwork. Like yours, my husband is a sex addict (or whatever term you wish to use). He is into prostitutes & drug dealers. His roommates & friends are sex addicts. His whole world revolves around perversion. I have no legal rights to protect my children from him or the people he brings them around.

There is NO way to protect your children. None. The only thing the law allows is to try and help once the damage has been done (your children molested, raped, drugged, abused, attacked, whatever). You can't prevent it.

nowiknow23 posted 10/28/2013 16:07 PM

Even if it is in your decree, there's no legal "bite" to such a clause. They aren't worth the paper they are printed on.

I've read too many stories here from xBS of SAs who have fought this same battle and lost. Over and over again.

I'm sorry, StrongAlone. ((((hugs))))

Ashland13 posted 10/28/2013 16:25 PM

It's hard to agree that there are also rights for the other, non-staying parent also and what I've seen is that they will exercise them whether the stayed parent likes it or not.

It's very difficult when this comes, I'm newly at it myself and have to sort of save up energy for when I know he is possibly going to be in contact.

Yes, he brought our DD in contact with OW without my acceptance and just plain old did it anyway-DD was not ready and is horribly compromised now.

I'm sorry. This is hard.

StrongAlone posted 10/28/2013 16:52 PM

Thanks everyone for responding. When the kids told me they met this person I felt sick to my stomach. The feeling has now turned into anger that will fuel me into moving through with this divorce.

I'm so sorry for you all that are dealing with the same and in some instances worse. I was so naive before this all happened!! My eyes have been opened to the disgusting possibilities that are out there.

It is so unfair that the law does next to nothing to protect children. I have also heard that until anything 'happens' you have nothing in the eyes of the law. I guess I'm going to have to pick my battles and be the best mom I can be regardless of what shit-face decides to do. I'm certain this won't be the last of it.

Gottagetthrough posted 10/28/2013 17:09 PM

UGH!!!!!

This still boils my blood years later. When we were going through D, I had it written in that WH wouldn't have his paramour around the kids.

He did, first visit!! His MOM was present, and SHE didn't give a crap!

At a court hearing, the judge told WH that if his paramour was around the kids, he wouldn't have custody and visitation for long...

Didn't stop them. I think they got off on breaking the law. I know OW was 40, no kids, and wanted to pretend to be a mom, so she NEEDED my kids for her fantasy.

I got a private I... went to court again... new judge said, well, you cant prove that she is his paramour.

Basically he meant if I didn't have pictures of them kissing or doing something, then it didn't matter.

Well, after that, OW basically could be around my kids. She would call me about my kids during visitation, and wanted to be the person to do drop off...

yeah, their relationship only lasted about 6 weeks after that. After WH 'won' the divorce, he realized it wasn't me making him miserable, it was him. He dumped crazy OW shortly after.

Courts just don't care (atleast in my experience) . Makes me so mad!

But, most of these OWs don't want the kids around after a few times, they get in the way... Plus, your kids are at an age where they will start asking questions, and your WH might not want to answer (he might get rid of GF or have you keep the kids on his weekends)

*******************************I wanted to add-- keep heart. It will get better, and it will not be like this forever. Affair relationships usually break up. Keep being a good parent, focus on the kids and 180 your WH. Just talk about kids and finances, that's it.

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 5:12 PM, October 28th (Monday)]