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Newest Member: ChaosRider (45729)

User Topic: almost 6 months and I still want to send the OW hate mail
CatchyUsername
♀ 39415
Member # 39415
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Will this feeling ever go away?

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jun 2013
heartache101
♀ 26465
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am 20+ years out would not waste a breathe or stroke on the things!
Sorry but that is what I think of them.
They mean nothing you wanna yell at someone go yell at your WS he/she did this to you the thing is just a thing!


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3197 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Lyonesse
♀ 32943
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It became less of an overriding obsession for me after 1.5 years. I don't think I will ever NOT want to, if I allow myself to think about it.

Instead I started a file on my computer of all the comments from SI that I wanted to say to her. It helped me channel that bad energy without breaking NC.


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1797 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
Losttransport
♀ 39409
Member # 39409
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wrote TONS of hate letters to OW, in my journal, and it was always with the thought, "I won't send this today, she isn't worth this." Because I didn't want her to think she got the best of me, and any response from her wouldn't have helped me at all.
Hugs to you! Stay strong!


Me: BS-42
Hubby: FWS-42
OW: former friend of mine
EA from ? to 3-15-12
3 DD, 1 DS
Time heals all wounds-I do not agree.

Posts: 96 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Texas
Myheartstillhurt
♀ 32430
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Totally understand this feeling. I am 3 years 5 months out, and this feeling only creeps into me every couple of months. It is easily let go of too, because my desire to maintain no contact with her is much greater than my desire to let her know she still gets to me at times.

6 months is still fresh. It will get better. And you will feel that guilt and disappointment that people get after they sit down with a half gallon of ice cream or a whole bag of chips and finish them off. Totally not worth it at all.

((CU))


BS(me) 34
fWH 38 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2018 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
mchercheur
♀ 37735
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2 yrs 5 mos 18 days out.
Still think of her with hatred, at least once a day, but the urge for revenge is not as often, maybe once or twice a week. (Believe it or not, this is a big improvement from a few months ago. I believe this is still such an issue for me because OW & WH still work in the same building.
I have not done any investigating for awhile----that is also a big improvement.)

Definitely don't contact her. Write her letters & post them on here---it is a way of releasing them into the universe. But OW will just get off on knowing how much power she has over you.
The whole A was one big ego boost for her---she got a MM to break his vows because she was just so desirable.
For his BW to contact her will be another ego boost. Don't give any of yourself to her.

They say on here that the best revenge is indifference.


Me: BW
Him: WH --Had 7 mo. PA with COW;
Married 20something years with kids
Trying to R

Posts: 1452 | Registered: Dec 2012
AML04
♀ 39682
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mchercheur-my WH works in the same building as OW too. I visit for lunch often (we sit in my car). I'm only 5 months out and I still want tell her off every time I see her. It makes me sad to think this feeling won't lessen since they do still work together. H is disgusted by her now but knowing how he felt about her then tears me up.

But yes, it is definitely not worth it and I tell myself that every time. Lots of deep breathing!!!


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 875 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
shatter-ed
♀ 27159
Member # 27159
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, yes it did.

I still live in same street as MOW (so the temptation for some kind of revenge was very strong for about a year) and I don't forgive her and I will hate her till the day I die BUT I do not waste my time or energy thinking about her anymore she isn't worth it.

At the end of the day it was FWH that betrayed me, he was the one who broke the vows he made to me he is the one who is doing all he can to try to fix this mess he made. Our R is what I need to put my efforts into, not thinking about MOW, she is irrelevant, always was!


BS (me)
WH
3 amazing kids.
R - trying.
DDay - 06/11/09 MOW desperate fugly neighbor

Posts: 599 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: uk
mchercheur
♀ 37735
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((AML04)))
Believe me, I undertand how difficult it is for you.
Every morning when they leave for work you wonder if they will run into OW today.

I would give anything to have a spy on the inside of that building.

I believe that R would go much quicker if OW was no longer in our lives.
I don't know how you do it
(((shatter-ed))) living on the same street.

As Blake would say:
God be with us all.


Me: BW
Him: WH --Had 7 mo. PA with COW;
Married 20something years with kids
Trying to R

Posts: 1452 | Registered: Dec 2012
sri624
♀ 33956
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i actually did send a bunch of hate emails to the ow. i also informed her bosses at the gym that she taught yoga, that she was having sex with one of the paying members.

can you imagine that meeting with her bosses?

anyway, at the end of the day, coming from someone who DID send the hate mail...it wasnt worth my time....in looking back. i told her off good...but the pain months later was still there. i came to realize that the guilty party was my husband and all the blame needed to fall on him.

takes a long time..but it is true...SI taught me that.

also....nc is the best. any contact just keeps it going.

nc will speak volumes...that the ow doesnt matter. and really, she doesnt.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
R:Last chance

Posts: 1038 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
wishingitsadream
41030
Member # 41030
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm VERY new with all of this, less than two weeks from D-Day. The night I found out I called the OW, fully meaning to let her have it (all I knew at that point was WH had been sexting her). Come to find out she's 19 (WH and I are both 29, she had told him she was 21). She sounded like a scared kid, and I immediately felt nothing but pity for her. I talked with her for about 10 minutes, and then a few days later texted her for more information.

She was very forthcoming with information as she had no idea that he was married and she apologized several times. I can only hope that my contacting her gave her a wake-up call and helped her face her own self-destructive behavior (online sex, phone/video sex and sexting with random people from online, including my WH for a year and a half).

I want to blame her and still call her a whore and a slut in my head, and a couple of times to WH, but I know that it was my WH that broke his marriage vows to me not her. And that he also lied to her about who he was.

I know her first name and the state in which she lives, but no other details. I've been struggling with wanting to know what she looks like (if she's prettier than me, thinner than me, etc) and have been trying to find her online, which I know I need to stop doing. So I guess right now that's where I'm at - not hating on her necessarily but more torturing myself with the fact that she even exists…I'm hoping this will lessen with time and healing as we're working on our R.


Posts: 3 | Registered: Oct 2013
Doubts
♀ 40209
Member # 40209
Default  Posted: 6:35 AM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I tried to resist the temptation to contact OW, but while arguing with WH I called her and told her I knew about them. She told me I was crazy, that there was no affair. So I sent her an email with the voice mail attached where she tells my WH that she was "thinking of him and got wet and juicy". She called him immediately from someone else's and he hung up on her.

[This message edited by Doubts at 6:38 AM, October 29th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 67 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: CA
topperoff22
♀ 40762
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great post. I have felt the same way but I realized early on this would make things worse on me. She could say whatever she wanted and it would probably all be lies to get back at him for dropping her. This weekend I wrote her a letter in my head that I won't send but it wasn't full of the venom it would have had three months ago. He lied to her and led her on for four years even before it became an "affair" by never telling her to stop calling him....he gave her permission and opened the door...left it wide open. It doesn't excuse her at all but it definitely does not excuse him. He is the one who broke our vows....she broke hers to her husband. She will have to deal with that but I doubt she cares..they seem to have an open marriage. I know it will take a long time for me to stop blamming her and I still fear she will contact me someday and spill things WH hasn't. For now, though, I keep trying ro remind myself she was just a pawn in the Devil's plan.


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
topperoff22
♀ 40762
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great post. I have felt the same way but I realized early on this would make things worse on me. She could say whatever she wanted and it would probably all be lies to get back at him for dropping her. This weekend I wrote her a letter in my head that I won't send but it wasn't full of the venom it would have had three months ago. He lied to her and led her on for four years even before it became an "affair" by never telling her to stop calling him....he gave her permission and opened the door...left it wide open. It doesn't excuse her at all but it definitely does not excuse him. He is the one who broke our vows....she broke hers to her husband. She will have to deal with that but I doubt she cares..they seem to have an open marriage. I know it will take a long time for me to stop blamming her and I still fear she will contact me someday and spill things WH hasn't. For now, though, I keep trying ro remind myself she was just a pawn in the Devil's plan.


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
LivingALie
♀ 17217
Member # 17217
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a few different outlooks on this topic.

First of all, if NC has been maintained then I would say definitely DO NOT email her or call her. You won't feel any better and she really won't even care - she'll delete or trash it and she won't think about it. She might even show a friend and they'll have a good laugh.

However, if SHE has broken NC more than once, I WOULD contact her. That was my situation, she continued to break NC and so did my H. Out of anger one day I called her house (got a hold of her unlisted home phone number- love google). I told her she was nothing but a low-life trailer trash whore.

Did it change anything? Nope. My H worked with her and she cried to him the next day "How could you let your wife talk to me like that"

Before I go off on a tangent - I have just 2 things to say - if it helps in your healing - call her and say whatever you want to - just don't think you're going to get anywhere with her - she doesn't care about your feelings.

Also - go ahead and write that email and put it in your drafts - wait a few days and read it again - do you really want to send it? Probably not. I was always glad I never sent anything to her - but it did feel good knowing that I "might" and it felt good getting it all out.

Just want to leave you with one funny thing I did do- as I said OW was H's secretary - she knew not to answer the phone when I called - however, one day she did answer, I said to her "Oh, I'm sorry - did you have to get up off your knees to answer the phone"

Thank goodness they don't work together anymore. R is NOT possible as long as they have contact.


Me: BS
H had LTA with co-worker
Both mid-50s
Two sons - grown and on their own
DD - April 2010
Please note registration date is not correct. See my profile for details
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 1267 | Registered: Nov 2007
cantaccept
♀ 37451
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did send an email to ow about 2 months ago.

During the a she attacked me and was extremely condescending through texting to me. She initiated it not me. At the time I was not in the emotional state to respond.

I felt the need to respond to her but from a place of strength not anger or outright bashing.

My objective was to let her know that she did not ruin our marriage, that she did not have that much power. She had said to me, "you and I know that I am not the problem". I was not able to reply at the time. In my email I referred to this statement and said,"you are right you were not the problem, only a symptom and like and illness, once it is treated, the symptoms become irrelevant.

I wrote of my "understanding of her pain", her husband cheated on her with prostitutes and they divorced. My knowledge of her repeated A's with married men and how she was damaging herself.

I just felt that if I let this out I could let it go. All the things that I wish I had been strong enough to say at the time.

I also stressed how hard h was working now and how closer we were. Not because of her but in spite of her.

I guess the relief to me was to stand up for myself in a very controlled and rational way, not giving her my emotions but sharing with her my knowledge of her, her life and that I now knew as much about her as she knew about me. Also, sharing my knowledge about the damage one causes oneself, one's life and relationships when engaging in affairs. How it was demeaning to her in a very unemotional way.

I was very careful not to expose my pain to her, I would not want her to know that.

She often spoke of a "perfect life" with h. I wanted to show her that she would never achieve that through lies and deception.

It did make me feel better. I don't even know if she read it. I gave it to h to read first and he approved. He was actually impressed with my approach to this.

There was no venting or name calling, just the facts.

I even suggested that she start working through her unresolved issues from her husbands affairs.

I guess I wanted to show that her actions and cruelty towards me did not break me.

If she had never contacted me I don't think I would have ever sent this. I just had this never ending need to stand up for myself. The most important part was coming from a place of strength and calm and not from my pain and emotions.

I am sure many would advise against this but for me it provided relief. It is one part I was able to let go of.


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced!


Posts: 1470 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
jo2love
♀ 31528
Member # 31528
Red  Posted: 7:38 AM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wishingitsadream -

We realize you're new here but there is no venting/name calling of the OW in this forum. Thank you.


Posts: 36451 | Registered: Mar 2011
Deeply Scared
♀ 2
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 7:39 AM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LivingALie...

Please note the forum description. There is no name calling/venting in here.

Thank you.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198817 | Registered: May 2002
Marathonwaseasy
♀ 40674
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did phone her. To ask if she had an HIV test as she told fwh her ex was bisexual. Stupid man still didn't use condoms.... Not happy about that

It didn't help me. I did get a few jibes in which hurt her as she followed up with repeated vicious texts until I blocked her after a phone call witnessed by me when fwh ended it

I still fantasise about what I want to say or do to her. But it is only 6 weeks since dday. She was someone I knew and she hated me and her seduction of fwh was deliberate and calculated and her keeping him in was too.

But yes he broke the vows and he destroyed me. I know that but I still want harm to come to her. I would like indifference to her eventually because hatred is exhausting. Won't happen any time soon though


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
CatchyUsername
♀ 39415
Member # 39415
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone! My original question was not "should i?" rather "when will the desire to go away?"

I am SOOOOOOO tired of obsessing about her! Yesterday I used another facebook account to check hers, and got to see a picture of her in her seriously awesome halloween costume looking absolutely gorgeous. My poor WH didn't stand a chance. He says that she disgusts him now but he also says that when I bash her it feels to him like I am bashing him. (I think because she boosted his self esteem as she is a hottie)

Anyway - I obsess a lot. Thoughts of emailing her. Tagging her house with nasty names. Telling her elderly mother. Etc...

I am not going to DO any of it, I just think about it - A LOT.


Posts: 191 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 23
Pages: 1 · 2

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