SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Anyone else's WH say they no longer want to be monogamous?

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5

sueonthemove posted 10/28/2013 17:35 PM

... that's the line my husband is giving me.

Here's my story...

2 years ago, we lost every penny to our name and had to move with our 3 kids into my step-mom's basement.

6 months ago, I noticed my husband was being really cold (things had been strained between us because of our difficult circumstances, but he was being EXTRA cold).

So, I asked to talk to him about it and he was being really strange... saying we should split up, that I should get a boyfriend etc etc. So, I started getting suspicious and asked if he was seeing someone. Of course he denied it. So... I looked through his emails and there was the evidence... many many emails to each other about sex, what they were going to do the next time they saw each other etc.

So, I guess June 10th 2013 can know be known as my dday. He told me he loved me, wanted to stay together and that he would end it with her.

Ugh, I believed him.

The next 3 months were amazing... we both put more into our marriage than we had in years. We fell in love all over again and things were better then ever.

That's until I discovered text messages that showed that it wasn't over between them at all.

So, now his position is that he has never believed in monogamy and that he only lived that way because it's what I needed. Now he has seen the "other side", he says he wants to be able to have sex with other people...

Yet, he wants to be with me forever, loves me, wants to keep our family together etc.

He claims that allowing him to do what he needs to do is actually GOOD for our marriage.

All the stuff I read on here talks about no contact with the OW... he refuses. He is a musician and she is a singer that he plays with. He will not stop working with her, nor will he stop having occasional sex with her.

I haven't heard anyone on here in a similar situation... my husband doesn't blame me for the affair, doesn't want to leave me for her... he wants BOTH.

So, I keep flipping back and forth between turning a blind eye and being incredibly hurt and angry. When I turn a blind eye, and just don't think about it... we are actually really good together... he is very loving and we get very close.

But, then every few days I get bowled over with the pain and reality of my situation.

I have two choices now... I can continue to just be ok with what he's doing and keep our marriage together, or we can split and be in separate bedrooms in the same house (we have finally gotten out of my step-mom's house, but can't afford two places)

Neither of these options is very good at all.

Has anyone else experienced this? Is it possible to just allow him to do his thing, to explore his dark side (as he puts it) and keep our marriage and family together?

Thanks so much for all of your love and support… it's been great reading about other experiences here.

PS: What is the 180? I keep reading about it, but can't find it on here.

[This message edited by sueonthemove at 5:43 PM, October 28th (Monday)]

heartache101 posted 10/28/2013 17:42 PM

OMG! Honey marriage is 2 people not 3 or 4. What makes you believe you dont deserve a monogamous marriagd? Do you want your children believing it is ok to cheat?
My god I want to slap your WS!

sueonthemove posted 10/28/2013 17:45 PM

I know, I know... everyone I talk to wants to slap him - myself included and I came REALLY close today... ah, would've felt so good

I DO believe I deserve a monogamous marriage. But I also believe we have a lot together and just don't feel ready to give it up I guess.

It's messy, I know

sueonthemove posted 10/28/2013 17:48 PM

... and the thing is... I am in the best shape of my life, have never looked better, am 10 years younger than him and she is 8 years older than him (and looks 20 years older lol)

I think a big part of it is that HE doesn't feel good about himself and somehow she has made him feel better.

1devastedmom posted 10/28/2013 17:51 PM

Oh hell no! You can't stay in a marriage like that, you deserve a faithful husband and it's too late to change the rules. You don't want to teach your children that this is an acceptable way to treat your spouse.

Williesmom posted 10/28/2013 17:56 PM

The 180 can be found in the healing library-the yellow box in the top left of the screen.

I hate your husband for you.

sueonthemove posted 10/28/2013 18:07 PM

@williesmom - Thanks... I have looked all through there - is it under articles, books...?

And yah... at this particular moment, I hate him too. I feel like he's from another planet.

[This message edited by sueonthemove at 6:08 PM, October 28th (Monday)]

Williesmom posted 10/28/2013 18:12 PM

It's in BS frequently asked questions- it's number 11

solus sto posted 10/28/2013 18:13 PM

They don't always say it in so many (selfish and idiotic) words, but I think all of our WSs have told us they no longer wish to be monogamous.

I'm sorry you're here,but glad you found us.

painfulpast posted 10/28/2013 18:14 PM

I think a big part of it is that HE doesn't feel good about himself and somehow she has made him feel better.

This is what all affairs are about! A broken WS and a sleazy, ego feeding OW. Or, perhaps two broken WSs. But either way, it's the ego, not the sex.

You need boundaries, and he needs to walk the line he vowed to walk when you were married, or he needs to go.

If you want this life, then keep doing what you're doing, but if not, then get him OUT. He is a complete cake eater and has you so beaten down with his bullshit that you're trying to convince yourself that this is ok, when you know damned well IT IS NOT.

Do not buy into his shit - which is what it is. He wants to convince you that it's fine, and that all will be well, and that somehow this is good. Good for who? Certainly not for you, when you're laying awake while you know his show is over and he isn't home.

He's acting like a selfish pig! He needs a really rude awakening. I'm so sorry he's playing with your mind like this, but that's what this is.

He lied to you about it being over, and then, when you thought you were rebuilding he was still at it. Then, when you discover it again, and feel shattered, he brings this shit up? OH HELL NO!!

sueonthemove posted 10/28/2013 18:14 PM

@williamsmom - aaah, thank you SO much!

sueonthemove posted 10/28/2013 18:17 PM

Do not buy into his shit - which is what it is. He wants to convince you that it's fine, and that all will be well, and that somehow this is good. Good for who? Certainly not for you, when you're laying awake while you know his show is over and he isn't home.

Oh wow... you so nailed it. That's exactly what's happening... panic attacks at 2:30am when he's not home yet. I guess this is all pretty text book.

Thanks for your message... it's all so true and I really do need to give my head a shake.

[This message edited by sueonthemove at 6:17 PM, October 28th (Monday)]

sueonthemove posted 10/28/2013 18:21 PM

They don't always say it in so many (selfish and idiotic) words, but I think all of our WSs have told us they no longer wish to be monogamous.

Yes, that's a great point. So do you think it's possible for him to come around... because his stance right now is that he never wants to be monogamous (sometimes he just says too much, you know?).

And thank you for the welcome... so glad I found you too and have a feeling I'll be spending a lot of time on here.

painfulpast posted 10/28/2013 18:25 PM

We've all nailed it, because we've all been there. Your husband isn't different, or special, and he doesn't have some magic outlook on life. He's a cheating piece of shit right now!! Can he change? Yes, but right now? CHEATING PIECE OF SHIT

You deserve better. Your kids deserve better than a mom that hasn't slept because dad needed his fix with some grandma roadwhore. Sorry, but this is bullshit.

Your WH thinks he has the world by the balls - a sleazebag to puff his ego and a wife to allow it. You don't want this!

What happens when some drunken slut in the audience gives him the eye? Is that ok too? Is anything he wants ok? What about when you get some disease because of his activities?

You deserve some kind of normalcy, and he isn't willing to give it. You need to take what you want, and see if he's willing to follow. If he is, great. If not, then you've saved yourself from more 2:30 am panic attacks and you've started to move on to a better way of living.

You can do this, if you want this. You don't need to accept whatever scraps he's throwing, and I'd be damned if I was going to let my H have as many rolls in the hay as he wanted with some geriatric slut!!

AlexFL posted 10/28/2013 18:31 PM

Mine isn't the same but mine is a serial cheater. I too thought we were building our relationship this past year. It took everything I had to let him back in my heart. I found out a couple weeks ago he had a random again. This time confirmed no condoms. But part of me still feels sorry for him and thinks of all the good we have together. We have been together 24 years. I just spent an hour going thru old family photos bawling my eyes out. So although it's not exact - I can tell u that I too wonder every time he is late, or he says he got a flat, or wants to take a 3 hour walk.... It doesn't go away. You can turn a blind eye but the pain will be there and it will surface other ways. It kills me this is the end of my relationship. We have kids also. But literally I'm afraid this sadness will kill me if I stay. I can't fix him. That's his journey. I can only fix myself and try to disect why I am so loyal to a man that continues to break my heart.

sueonthemove posted 10/28/2013 18:37 PM

@painfulpast OMG... I am laughing my face off right now ... THANK YOU for that. You are so right. I just read the 180 and I've been doing everything wrong since I found out 4 months ago.

For now, we'll do separate bedrooms and I will live my life for ME (and my kids of course) and follow that 180... it's great

[This message edited by sueonthemove at 6:38 PM, October 28th (Monday)]

sueonthemove posted 10/28/2013 18:39 PM

Mine isn't the same but mine is a serial cheater. I too thought we were building our relationship this past year. It took everything I had to let him back in my heart. I found out a couple weeks ago he had a random again. This time confirmed no condoms. But part of me still feels sorry for him and thinks of all the good we have together. We have been together 24 years. I just spent an hour going thru old family photos bawling my eyes out. So although it's not exact - I can tell u that I too wonder every time he is late, or he says he got a flat, or wants to take a 3 hour walk.... It doesn't go away. You can turn a blind eye but the pain will be there and it will surface other ways. It kills me this is the end of my relationship. We have kids also. But literally I'm afraid this sadness will kill me if I stay. I can't fix him. That's his journey. I can only fix myself and try to disect why I am so loyal to a man that continues to break my heart.

I so feel your pain... I do believe we'll get through this one way or another. HUGS to you.

shatter-ed posted 10/28/2013 18:40 PM

Sorry you find yourself here but welcome, it is a great place for comfort and support !

Your WH had an A, you thought you were reconciling, it was false reconciliation and when you find out he comes out with this shit? No no no no no, he is cake eating.

We can't afford two houses either but FWH was immediately remorseful- though I did have a few months of TT- but he wouldn't dare suggest carrying on his A cos we would D no matter how much of a financial struggle that would be. Does he think you have to agree to him sleeping with OW because he knows you can't afford to D?

Sounds like this is boosting his ego no end, having sex with OW and then coming back to you being really good together, and loving and close. This is not 'good' for the M it is good for HIM!

The 180 may be what is good for YOU right now!
(((sueonthemove)))

Holly-Isis posted 10/28/2013 18:59 PM

If you want monogamy in your M, you should have it. You're not great together if he's fine with slowing cutting your beating heart out of your chest and feeding it to his slut.

From what I understand open marriages have to start as open marriages...or the very least both parties have to willingly agree to it before infidelity occurs. Otherwise it's just one partner getting his (or her) way while the other gives in out of desperation.

Also, in an open M, which is what he seems to be proposing, there is utmost respect for the spouse. If the spouse nixes a sexual entanglement, the other spouse is supposed to end it. Primary focus is supposed to be on maintaining the integrity of the M. He is not doing this.

I'm sorry he's using your love for him to cake eat. The fact is, the man you love no longer exists. If he existed, he couldn't callously cause you the pain he's causing you. Can he come back to the M? Yes, but usually not unless he has to face reality and that's usually the possibility of loosing the BS.

You can't afford two places? Have him move in with his slut and let her take care of him and share him with random skirts he decides he has a right to chase.

momentintime posted 10/28/2013 19:02 PM

If you continue to turn a blind eye, why would he ever stop? If you don't want to share him, you need to stop accepting it. Do the 180, get stronger for yourself, and withdraw from his life. Let him do his own laundry, or let OW do it. Don't cook for him, or do any of the things a wife wants to do for her spouse. There can't be three in a M, if he won't giver her up, then you back out. He doesn't get to have it all and you get crumbs. FTG.

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy