I'm sorry to say that it takes A LOT of time for some. R is a slow and painful process. Two steps forward, one step back a lot of the time.
Do you talk with her and does she answer all your questions?
Oh, and get that bed out of your house. Replace it and all the bedding that your W and OM used.
Sorry you are here.
His Needs Her Needs by Willard Harley
Love Busters by Willard Harley
(for husbands) Becoming the Ultimate Husband by Reb Bradley
Sorry you are here and I think it's impossible to really know in a short term view. It takes a bit of time to really get a better idea.
but she says it wasn't about me at all
I don't know your story but I thought this was a positive statement from her. Many WS will put the blame in one way or another on their BS.
You will know what you want when both your heart and your head are telling you the same thing. And you will know when you know that you will be at peace with that decision when you look back at it. I'm sorry I can't give you a better description, but when you're ready to make a decision you will know it.
As for your WW, we always preach to look for "consistency of action over the long term". Remember words are cheap.
What does true remorse look like?
It means that she takes responsibility for her choices, without blaming you, life, the OM, the marriage, or anything else. There may have existed contributing factors to her affair, but the root cause lies within her, and she must introspect to discover why she felt her behaviour was acceptable.
It means that she takes ownership of the consequences of her choices. This means that she recognises the pain she caused you and the devastation to your marriage. It means that she will understand your hurt and not dismiss or minimise it. It means that she will try to rebuild the trust she broke and allow you to verify by giving you access to the affair tools. It means complete transparency and honesty and a willingness to answer your questions.
It means that she will put plans in place to make sure this never happens again. This means 100% verifiable NC with the OM and setting up proper personal boundaries to ensure she doesn't take another ride down the slippery slope with any other future potential OMs.
It means that she actively tries to rebuild and make amends to the marriage. This builds around her internal introspection and rebuilding her self image based on self respect. This means she learns to understand both your and her needs, how to communicate, and how to mutually meet them.
If she is remorseful and actively and constructively working to reconcile, you will know it.
Hang in there brother.
Some people take years to "get it", as a WS. It took my wife around 2 years of counseling, and that was after 9 years of hiding it....followed by 6 months of lying about me and to me and not wanting to tell the truth about her life before we met.
she says it wasn't about me at all
This is true, at least she isn't blaming you, at least now.
Some people do. My wife blamed me, wanted it to be my fault, didn't want to accept that it was all about her. She lied about me to counselors, accused me of things that were not true, trying to cover up the truth about what went on in her life. Some things she accused me of were not lies at all, but not true, just her perceptions of what I thought, all really FUBAR. Read my profile for more of what came out, but it was not easy to get there. When my wife started talking, she started telling about things that she had said she would never tell anyone, and she made me promise that I would never tell our children about what she told, even if she was dead.
I feel she made it about me when she bought him into our marital bed.
This is a normal response, normal feeling, arising from a trauma, but this has absolutely NOTHING to do with you. She did this because she is really messed up inside her head.
The first few months and years of reconciliation is about figuring out what is really wrong and seeing if you can live and work with it.
ADDENDUM: Just because it was done to you, doesn't mean that it was about you. Being a victim of a malicious act doesn't say anything about the victim, they just happened to be available to victimize.
[This message edited by standinghere at 2:11 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)]
she was able to bring him to my house and do whatever on my bed!!!
I thought the same thing also. In time I believe you will understand that even that action really has nothing to do with you. Her head was so far up her ass the marital home and even the bed was just somewhere to spend time together. Nothing more than that. I was very surprised to learn the locations that my XWW had ben with OM. Even places that would get them in deep trouble. They didn't even consider that. They are blind to what their actions do to taint what was once only shared by the two of you.