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How do you really know!!!!!!!

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whyme1525 posted 10/28/2013 18:22 PM

It's been about 8 weeks since D-day. my wife had a pa with a co-worker for a year and a half I confronted her almost every day during this time but she just lied and said I was crazy. she got fired from her job and gave me a lame excuse so I started tracking her cell phone and caught her sexting the om. I confronted her and she admitted it was going on the whole time I thought and that she lost her job for doing it at work. About a week later I found out that she had the om in my house and my bed one night while I was in the hospital. the worst part is I was still in the recovery room when she left cause she had to meet him at my house I also called her that night practically in tears from pain begging her to come back needless to say she rushed me off the phone cause she was busy...So she says she wants to r she has had nc with the om since D-day she has been seeing a ic on her own for like a month we have also had a couple of sew sesions with a mc. I have made it clear to her that im not sure what I want yet I have seen a lawyer to see what options I had if I chose to leave... my question is how do I know if she is truly sorry for what she did and not just sorry that she got caught... I ask her what made her think it was ok to do? sometimes I get I don't know that's why im going to therapy but she says it wasn't about me at all I'm not sure how she says that cause I feel she made it about me when she bought him into our marital bed. she also says she thought she was unhappy.... so how do I know if she really truly understands what she did to me. And is truly sorry and remorseful for the right reasons!!!!!!!!

Chippednotbroken posted 10/28/2013 20:12 PM

I have wondered the same thing. If they hadn't been caught would they just have kept doing it. I am not sure you can ever really know, it's asking what is in someone's head. I am trying to decide if not knowing for sure is something I can live with. I guess you just have to pay attention to her actions towards you. Does she seem remorseful? And no they will never understand the pain. You were ambushed, she is on the lookout.

HurtButHopeful? posted 10/28/2013 21:22 PM

Time and consistency will help you decipher her. If she shows true remorse, is transparent, always lets you see her phone, computer, doesn't make excuses, puts your needs first, etc.

I'm sorry to say that it takes A LOT of time for some. R is a slow and painful process. Two steps forward, one step back a lot of the time.

Do you talk with her and does she answer all your questions?

Oh, and get that bed out of your house. Replace it and all the bedding that your W and OM used.

Sorry you are here.

whyme1525 posted 10/28/2013 22:20 PM

the bed was the go and everything else they touched... we do talk but she doesn't really answer my questions all she ever says is.I don't know that's why im going to therapy. she claims she can't believe she did it and she feels like that was a different person. my main question is why continue even after I confront you...

Chippednotbroken posted 10/29/2013 11:45 AM

Because she could. Mine did the same. I would lamely accuse him if he stayed out late or was inexplicably missing in the middle of the night (he is a night person so I tended to believe the lame excuse), and then I would let it go so he kept on. They hadn't exactly been "caught" yet. I haven't come to the conclusion on why people reconcile aside from for me right now the alternative seems much scarier. Sorry I am kinda taking over your post but its nice to get some of this out.

solus sto posted 10/29/2013 13:38 PM

Sadly, you don't. R takes extraordinary faith. Hopefully, a pattern of action consistently follows the words, helping build the faith. But you really just never know...

dontknowwhyme posted 10/29/2013 13:47 PM

Sorry you are here and I think it's impossible to really know in a short term view. It takes a bit of time to really get a better idea.

but she says it wasn't about me at all

I don't know your story but I thought this was a positive statement from her. Many WS will put the blame in one way or another on their BS.

SerJR posted 10/29/2013 14:05 PM

Don't feel so frustrated if you don't know what you want yet. This is a terribly confusing blow to be dealt and it will take time to work through it. It's normal to bounce all over the place with indecisiveness and your feelings.

You will know what you want when both your heart and your head are telling you the same thing. And you will know when you know that you will be at peace with that decision when you look back at it. I'm sorry I can't give you a better description, but when you're ready to make a decision you will know it.

As for your WW, we always preach to look for "consistency of action over the long term". Remember words are cheap.

What does true remorse look like?

It means that she takes responsibility for her choices, without blaming you, life, the OM, the marriage, or anything else. There may have existed contributing factors to her affair, but the root cause lies within her, and she must introspect to discover why she felt her behaviour was acceptable.

It means that she takes ownership of the consequences of her choices. This means that she recognises the pain she caused you and the devastation to your marriage. It means that she will understand your hurt and not dismiss or minimise it. It means that she will try to rebuild the trust she broke and allow you to verify by giving you access to the affair tools. It means complete transparency and honesty and a willingness to answer your questions.

It means that she will put plans in place to make sure this never happens again. This means 100% verifiable NC with the OM and setting up proper personal boundaries to ensure she doesn't take another ride down the slippery slope with any other future potential OMs.

It means that she actively tries to rebuild and make amends to the marriage. This builds around her internal introspection and rebuilding her self image based on self respect. This means she learns to understand both your and her needs, how to communicate, and how to mutually meet them.

If she is remorseful and actively and constructively working to reconcile, you will know it.

Hang in there brother.

whyme1525 posted 10/29/2013 15:53 PM

dontknowwhyme- The only reason why I didn't take the statement that way was becouse I just think it has to be about me if she was able to bring him to my house and do whatever on my bed!!! chippednotbroken- unfortunately your right they continued becouse they could and we let them and I kick myself in the ass everyday for not doing something different to stop it while it was going on but then again I also believe that she knew that I had an idea and she should have stopped on her own but I guess she didn't want to and knowing that makes me wonder sometimes why should I even try to.R now when she could care less about me 3 months ago!!!!

Chippednotbroken posted 10/29/2013 16:52 PM

Definitely all their fault. I wasn't trying to minimize but in a way I wish I had been stronger much sooner. Doubt it would make the pain less. But I don't see her continuing to do it as a sign that she loved you any less more as a sign that she simply could get away with it. But I share your feelings how can he say he loves me and cry about losing me when it occurred to him while he was doing it that he would lose me if I found out. Guess I wasn't very important while he was with playing boyfriend to another women. But it wasn't about us now was it?

standinghere posted 10/30/2013 02:09 AM

It takes years to know, and a lot of hard work by both parties.

Some people take years to "get it", as a WS. It took my wife around 2 years of counseling, and that was after 9 years of hiding it....followed by 6 months of lying about me and to me and not wanting to tell the truth about her life before we met.

she says it wasn't about me at all

This is true, at least she isn't blaming you, at least now.

Some people do. My wife blamed me, wanted it to be my fault, didn't want to accept that it was all about her. She lied about me to counselors, accused me of things that were not true, trying to cover up the truth about what went on in her life. Some things she accused me of were not lies at all, but not true, just her perceptions of what I thought, all really FUBAR. Read my profile for more of what came out, but it was not easy to get there. When my wife started talking, she started telling about things that she had said she would never tell anyone, and she made me promise that I would never tell our children about what she told, even if she was dead.

I feel she made it about me when she bought him into our marital bed.

This is a normal response, normal feeling, arising from a trauma, but this has absolutely NOTHING to do with you. She did this because she is really messed up inside her head.

The first few months and years of reconciliation is about figuring out what is really wrong and seeing if you can live and work with it.

ADDENDUM: Just because it was done to you, doesn't mean that it was about you. Being a victim of a malicious act doesn't say anything about the victim, they just happened to be available to victimize.

[This message edited by standinghere at 2:11 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)]

dontknowwhyme posted 10/30/2013 10:44 AM

she was able to bring him to my house and do whatever on my bed!!!

I thought the same thing also. In time I believe you will understand that even that action really has nothing to do with you. Her head was so far up her ass the marital home and even the bed was just somewhere to spend time together. Nothing more than that. I was very surprised to learn the locations that my XWW had ben with OM. Even places that would get them in deep trouble. They didn't even consider that. They are blind to what their actions do to taint what was once only shared by the two of you.

alifeforesaken posted 10/30/2013 10:59 AM

I have read and reread your topic and story. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I feel your pain and I don't have an answer yet. I know this is a long road and it makes it so hard when you didn't ask for any of this. My WH is similar. Granted the details differ, but I cannot tell if he really grasps what he has done and if he is remorseful, and like you said, if he is, is it for the right reasons? I hope to get a better idea soon. I think I have somewhat come to terms with the fact that there will never be a good answer for the why they thought it was ok. They have convinced themselves there were rational reasons, I can only hope they can realize now, just how wrong they were. I hope that counseling is helping you.

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