JM had an online/cyber A when we first got a PC back in '97 or so. We were actively trying to conceive, and he had made this whole online persona up. There was one woman he chatted and cybered with, and I hit the roof when I discovered lingerie and almost naked pics of her on our computer. Big fight ensued, and we developed "boundaries" for our computer use. (Full disclosure, at the same time I started the same kind of thing with a MM from somewhere up north. I sent him some pics of myself and we exchanged phone #'s. Sh*t got real when his BW called and confronted me. I will forever be ashamed of the way that I treated her.)
JM then had a ONS shortly after I had a miscarriage when our ds was less than a year old. He confessed almost immediately and we rugswept. He insisted that he could never, would never hurt me like that again. He was drinking with a bunch of guys at the lake and ran into some chick he'd known from HS. They did it in the nasty lake water.
He was ashamed and disgusted with himself and PROMISED he would never do that again.
Then, in 2008, he started talking to an old GF. It started out as him wanting to just make amends for treating her and her family horrible. I was cool with that. But it progressed to yahoo IMs, texting, calling, etc. I expressed several times that I was uncomfortable with the contact, and he would reassure me that he understood, promise NC, and then I'd find another chat or email. I got sent to rehab, and found out after I got home that he had spent 10X the amount of time talking to her on the phone as he did me, while I was up alone in BFE trying to get sober. I demanded MC at that time, and went completely psycho on the OW/ex-GF. She apparently decided that whatever they had wasn't worth dealing with my level of crazy, so she went NC on him. He went to one MC appointment and refused to go back. I needed to get/stay sober and knew I couldn't end my M at the same time, so I agreed, again, to rug-sweep that A. But I continued in IC and got better and stronger. I told him I would not go thru another A.
Hahahaha.
Dday1 for the last A was the day after my birthday, 3 days after Christmas, 2 weeks after our anniversary. I found an email he had written to yet another OW ON OUR ANNIVERSARY. I truly thought I was done then. I just wanted him out of my house, out of my life. He moved into an apt, professed undying love and determination to do whatever it took to win me back and rebuild our family. 5 days after moving in the apt, he called the OW and was back on with her. We went through a false R, and then the final blow up when I found out all the truth.
Whew. That all sounds horrible and pathetic when I see it written out like that. But what I have to remember is that in December 1996, 2 very broken people spoke vows with no freaking idea what we were promising, nor any tools for successfully keeping those promises. We banged around for almost 15 years, and almost destroyed each other.
The year 2011 was a time of completely tearing down everything we had built between us, and rebuilding on a new, solid foundation. That work has continued. Today I can say that neither of us resembles the people we were a few years ago. He looks people in the eye, smiles, engages genuinely. He is compassionate and generous and confident. He has taken the lead in our healing and in our spiritual growth.
I have become a woman who trusts people. Isn't that crazy? That this experience is what allowed me to develop trust in other people? I am much more calm. I'm willing to follow, willing to defer to others. I'm not a doormat, but I don't have to have my way all the time either. I trust JM enough to tell him the truth and let him know the real me. I tell the truth about money, and medication use and family issues. I don't unilaterally make decisions and expect him to be on board.
I didn't mean to write a novel, but just wanted to say, you can have an awful, ugly beginning that turns into a truly happy ending. I am glad that I stayed, because this man in my life now, he is the one I have loved for 17 years. The one I always saw, just beneath the surface. The one JM pretended didn't exist. We are happy now. (But I do have sad days too, and I totally get where you're coming from.)