SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

jackie89 posted 10/28/2013 22:05 PM

For the first 12 years of our marriage had an pretty good job, but once my DS was in 2nd grade - WE decided that I quit the job in the city and get a job closer to home - one where I could be home when the kids would get home from school and H didn't have to worry about helping driving kids to activities - SO HE COULD GROW IN HIS CAREER! Done!

It was great, loved picking them up on rainy, cold days, loved having hot chocolate, loved helping them with homework. Dinner and table set, kids taken care of when H got home from work! Did this for 11 years! Best decision ever, don't regret it for one second!

NOW that I make close to 1/2 of what he makes. He throws in my face: "It's not my fault that you make less, You never grew in your CAREER"

It seriously was one of the hardest thing to hear.. All these years I would think that he was supporting OUR decision.

Yes, FuckTard - If you grew in your "career" it's because you had a loving supporting wife at home! You absolutely had nothing to do other than yard work - once a week, go to work, and come home to your family - and even that you managed to FUCK UP!

Thank you Asshole for that comment -because I have finally put on my Bitch Boots!

No I am not waiving alimony, Yes you will pay for the Car Insurance that YOU bought for your DS. Yes you will give me 60% of your 401K... etc.

Damn that felt good... FTG

tesla posted 10/29/2013 06:24 AM

Yeah, I hear ya.

Fuck.That.Guy.

SBB posted 10/29/2013 06:29 AM

I remember well how painful it was each time he showed me who he really was.

But y'know what - I would thank him now if I could stand to look at him. The anger helped me begin detaching long before my heart was ready for it.

The sad clown would not be where he is today were it not for my support - mentoring and professional guidance. His career was in the toilet when I met him - he is at a dead-end now. 41 with the same company for 25 years (ironically he started there a few months before his whore was born ).

He likes to tell everyone he did everything - the fucker cooked and did the groceries and needed a fucking medal for it.

I remember we had a discussion about me finding a more flexible job because it was getting to be too hard with both of our demanding jobs and a young family. I told him right then and there that I was unwilling to do that because if (when) our M ended I would be seriously fucked. I would agree to downsizing so we could both reduce our workload.

Mind you my girls were 4 and 18m on DD.

This upset him, of course. He would NEVER do that to me. He would NEVER leave me destitute.

Yep - he did just that. Tried to make it worse, in fact. Acts like a hero about the $620p/m CS he pays out of his $250k+ salary (I earn less than half).

I'm still fucked now but at least I can afford rent, food and clothes for my girls. All whilst he buys his whore and cocaine and WTFever else pathetic middle-aged losers spend their money on.

The nerve of him. FTG indeed.

Channel the anger, friend. Channel it into remembering that Divorce is about money. DO NOT assume he will do the right thing - ever. Get that shit locked down as much as you can while you can.

ninebark posted 10/29/2013 06:40 AM

Yes FTG!

Just before we separated my Ex tells me that he is going to use all his overtime money to buy a motorcycle.

Now I can't get overtime because I am the one who picked up DS from the babysitter. So therefore that would mean all my money is spent towards bills but because we gave him the flexablitiy to work some overtime it automatically is his money. Ugh.

Idiots need a good slap with a frozen carp.

erzulie posted 10/29/2013 13:29 PM

Jackie89 ... while I don't have kids, boy can I relate to a lot of what you are saying.

I have always had a very successful career. I worked very hard to manage my demanding job, take care of our house, bills, shopping, cooking, cleaning, and caring for two dogs when my WH was in business school, for 3 years pursuing his MBA. When he finished school, the "deal" we had was that I would trim back at work, go to school myself (he would support me the same as I supported him), and he would "take point" on our adopting children. I took a big planned pay cut so that I could work from home most of the time, and accommodate having children to raise.

He admitted in therapy that he was dragging his feet on the adoption process. He never supported me anything like I supported him while he was in school. But, those two things pale in comparison to the fact that he started his affairs WHILE HE WAS IN SCHOOL! And claims that he wasn't getting enough sex from me. Like, what was I supposed to do - take the books away from him, and demand sex instead? And here I thought I was being supportive ...

So, now, I have no prospects for adopting kids obviously, and ... my job has a much lower salary. And I'm six months away from finishing school - which I am still determined to finish.

I cannot imagine how a comment like that would hurt - "it's not my fault, you never grew in your career!" What a load of crap!

My WH didn't say anything like that. What hurt was that he said he was unfulfilled in his life with me (which was news to me). And that it was my fault why he did what he did.

It's a multi-layer betrayal that is hard for many people to understand. It plays heavily in the difficulty I face in managing my anger.

I feel downright ... used.

FTG.

StillLivin posted 10/29/2013 14:31 PM

They are users, erzulie.
Yep, my asshat POS was the same. The last two jobs he got (both making over six figures), I did the resume, I spent hours on the online applications, and I am the one that went out and bought his suits for the interviews with MY money. I also gave him mock interviews. The first job, my best friend worked for the supervisor, and for my sake came by and groomed him. She told him what they were going to ask and we mock interviewed him even more. All he did was show up. Now he says, it is HIS money, he earned it. Oh, and while he was deployed and HE earned a bonus of stock in the organization, he refused to ante up half to me. He caved later, he was told it was a community property state, blah blah blah.
Yes, it's part of the justification and selfishness. First they are selfish, obviously, and then they justify why they are so selfish. At no point do they figure in that if it weren't for the loving, FAITHFUL, self sacrificing, supportive spouse, they wouldn't have even half of what they earned.

StrongerOne posted 10/29/2013 14:44 PM

t/j
Ninebark, just for you:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IhJQp-q1Y1s

jackie89 posted 10/29/2013 15:31 PM

Thank You for the support!

It's like they all read from the same Wayward Manual.

I really wanted to be fair and have the mind of not "taking him to the cleaners" But now - I don't care..

I went to my lawyer today and we're working on a Property Settlement Agreement.

I know it's going to be war the minute he'll get the document - but I am not going to back down.

I Asked for 5 years of Alimony - How I'll justify 5 years? It's 3+ years of pursuing and fucking a 23 yr old and 2 years of False R, Limbo and gas-lighting..

FTG

Grace and Flowers posted 10/29/2013 16:21 PM

Jackie,
Are you working now? I was married 25 years at divorce, had only worked sporadically the last 18 years...by mutual agreement.

Why only ask for 5 years? I've got SS until I either make a certain income, or remarry. I've been looking for other-than-minimum-wage work for over a year, and have not found anything yet (I was a geologist in my main career, but have done many other things).

Also, my EWXs A was less than a year at the time of D Day, and was still only an EA at that point.

I say, ask for much more. If your reduced income or career was because you BOTH agreed that someone would be home with the kids, that's only fair.

I am in a real FTG mood today. Put the damn screws to him.

jackie89 posted 10/29/2013 16:39 PM

@ Sad - yes I am working, thank God, but I am making a little more than what I was making when Left my job downtown - 12 years ago....

My lawyer advised that in PA it would be about 7 years that I would get - and it starts counting since separation (separated for 1yr 9mos), she had initially recommended 36 mos - and I as like HELL NO - what's the max I can ask?

Not looking forward to this! It just stinks.. ALL OF IT!

sleepless34 posted 10/29/2013 18:28 PM

Jackie! I hear you, I am in the same boat. It was a "we" decision when married that is now an "every man for himself" situation during a divorce.

Yeah, I will never trust a man to have my back again. I am going to have my own money, own accounts, and no more of this WE shit when it comes to money.I am going to tell my daughters to keep working, always have their own money.

We both had professional jobs, and I left mine to lessen the stress in the family and so he could grow his career. It made his life easier, kids loved it and I loved it. I had the time to not be just work me and mommy me, but just me. Things seemed great to me, I was never happier!

When I picked up all the kid and house responsibilities, he used his extra time not on his career or not on me, or on our family - but on Ashley Madison pursuing an affair, Nice. And here I thought he seemed happier because we had a less stressful lifestyle, he started running again, all seemed good...and all the while I am playing SAHM he is telling me that I shouldn't go back to work unless I do something I really love, not for the money, but to follow my passion....WTF.

Seeing he was already deep into his affair, it would have been kinder to me, and smarter for him, to encourage me to get my butt back to work, esp since I had the bigger job and more money in the first place. He said recently that "he supported my decision to stay at home" not that he said he DIDN'T want me to work (because that would make his life less easy and he would have to do more)and he also refused to even try and get a higher paying job to offset my income, because he didn't want the stress or travel of a higher paying job. Seriously?? What a selfish f**K!

And in the state I live in, sadly, I will probably not get much, if any alimony. They will look at my salary history and tell me I have the potential to make money and get back to work. Too bad so sad for the rest of it, no fault state. I will have to negotiate it with him, so hopefully his "runaway train" of a plan will crash soon and he will feel some guilt and agree to some alimony because it is FAIR. But then again, he is a lier and and asshole, do not holding my breath...... SO PISSED OFF!!!!!