SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Hurtandhealer posted 10/29/2013 00:46 AM

4 months past d day and every time we have sex, I'm wondering if he said this to her, did he touch her like this, did they use this position.... Will this ever stop?!?!

Jacobell posted 10/29/2013 01:10 AM

For me personally, I still have these thoughts from time to time but not as often as I used to. I have learned to block these thoughts when they start to creep in to my mind. I think about how what they did was sex, pure simple sex. OW never had what my husband and I have, they never made love, there was no passion just mechanical sex. But yes like I say, the thoughts do still try to creep in sometimes. Give yourself time, you are only 4 months in after all.

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 10/29/2013 05:42 AM

I'm at three months and it still happens to me- not as often.
Have you guys discussed the physical details? I know it sounds hard and I didn't want to- but I had to. I crashed severely afterwards- but I no longer ask "did he do this with her?" Because I know what he did with her ( what he shared anyway).

We have been working in taking things back as ours- which was hard at first, but has become much more enjoyable lately.
I don't think it ever goes away, but my confidence about what we do has definitely increased. I do shut things out - and if I can't shut it out I tell him. He holds me, we talk and we try to move on. This whole thing sucks- but everyone keeps saying time helps, and in my experience so far, it is true.
The only thing that has truly helped me is talking with him about all of it. This is where I am right now and if he wants to be with me, truly in R, then we need to deal with all of the fall out... All of it. I try not to hold back when that hamster wheel in my head starts turning- I just talk to him.
I wish you strength and peace.

SorrowBhindSmile posted 10/29/2013 11:43 AM

I am 10 months in and still have these feelings. It gets better with time. Its hard, but it gets better.

In the beginning,for me, knowing what they did was just just too painful. The main thing i did to help me thru it was to talk to my WH and find out what they DIDNT do together. I needed to know what was still mine, what he never gave her, what they never shared. I know they never had shower sex...they never took a bath together or had bathtub love...they never gave each other massages...he never surprised her/set up a romantic encounter for her with candles/soft music/incense like he did for us...he never gave her gifts or flowers or things of that nature.

Finding out those things has helped me to deconstruct their A....see it for what it really was.....being able to deconstruct it has helped me tremendously.

If knowing what they did is too hard for you....try this approach....get stronger...process. Then, when you are feeling more secure, start asking the questions about things they did do.

hugs to you