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Newest Member: HelloRain (46007)

User Topic: The look of disgust
islesguy
♂ 38090
Member # 38090
Sad  Posted: 7:19 AM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife can't look at me without imagining me doing something with another woman. She can't do anything with me without looking at me with disgust. It has been only 2 years since she found out about the things I did, but I don't see it getting any better in the future and she has told me the same.

I created this burden on her with my lack of respect for her and our marriage and I know I should not expect anything from her, but I am wondering how the betrayed spouses who have decided to stay in their relationship have coped with this.

I still have hope that time and seeing the better person in me will help heal but my optimism shrinks with every day that passes. I know it is completely hypocritical to say but my heart is broken when I see her in the pain that I caused, pain that never should have been if I had just been an honorable person.


Me: WH
Father of 3 beautiful girls

* I am a RS (Recovering Scumbag)
* Do as I say, NOT as I did. :-(
* I acknowledge the grace I have received. I know do not deserve it.


Posts: 233 | Registered: Jan 2013
TrustGone
♀ 36654
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you both in IC and MC? What are you doing to win back her trust and faith in you? Have you figured out the why in yourself? Until you do all of these things, then you are putting her in Limbo Land. That is not a fun place for a spouse to be. We all have different situations, so it is hard to know exactly where you both are in this. She needs actions, not words.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Divorcing as soon as I can as he is still cheating with OW

Posts: 2472 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Raven96
♀ 40298
Member # 40298
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently, what are you doing to show her that SHE is your priority? Are you going to MC? It sounds like you are truly remorseful, but does she KNOW it? Communication is so important, and while you know what you are feeling, sometimes it isn't as obvious to others.

They say it can take 2-5 years to get through this. Don't give up!


Marriage isn't a test, so why cheat?

Posts: 379 | Registered: Aug 2013
islesguy
♂ 38090
Member # 38090
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been in IC for 2 years and feel like I have made tremendous progress, she is not ready for IC or MC. We had a failed MC in 2010 because I was still lying to her then which is part of the reason why she is not interested in counseling.

I have changed my life to being an open person to her and have become a better person and father but she can't see this because for 20 years I was someone who lied to her about the past and did things behind her back. Honestly, I wouldn't expect her to take me at face value when I have done so many things behind her back in the past. I certainly don't blame her for feeling this way, but because of my past, I am in a catch 22 situation now.

Yes, I have figured out why I did the things I did in life and they are all related to my lack of self esteem and self image that was always there in me. I don't do things to impress others now because I honestly don't care about anyone but my family any more. Someone outside of my family speaking highly of me, a girl showing interest in me, or me fitting in with my peers would have been something greatly sough after by me in the past but is now meaningless to me.


Me: WH
Father of 3 beautiful girls

* I am a RS (Recovering Scumbag)
* Do as I say, NOT as I did. :-(
* I acknowledge the grace I have received. I know do not deserve it.


Posts: 233 | Registered: Jan 2013
fourever
♀ 30631
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Islesguy, Have you been over to Wayward threads? Lots of help there too.
Keep trying. Keep asking her. Keep showing her.

Have you offered a Poly?

It's awful from both sides.
But, there is always hope.


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 906 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
islesguy
♂ 38090
Member # 38090
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I spend a lot of time on wayward and I have taken a poly.


Me: WH
Father of 3 beautiful girls

* I am a RS (Recovering Scumbag)
* Do as I say, NOT as I did. :-(
* I acknowledge the grace I have received. I know do not deserve it.


Posts: 233 | Registered: Jan 2013
heartache101
♀ 26465
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So how did the poly go?


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3199 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
islesguy
♂ 38090
Member # 38090
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There was a discrepancy on 1 of the 10 questions which was very frustrating to me because I know the truth. I feel like I understand what happened when I was answering that question but it was still frustrating.


Me: WH
Father of 3 beautiful girls

* I am a RS (Recovering Scumbag)
* Do as I say, NOT as I did. :-(
* I acknowledge the grace I have received. I know do not deserve it.


Posts: 233 | Registered: Jan 2013
JKL Vikings
♂ 32094
Member # 32094
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry I don't have any sage advice. Just wanted to let you know you've been heard. Keep working and moving forward. My advice on actions and words is ACTIONS that are in line with your words. I know what it is to work and work and not feel like you're not getting anywhere. Best to you om your journey. Keep going


Her- Alpha Female 40
Me-FWH 42
Married since '02, together since 2000
D-day 2/10/2009
3 sons- J- born Oct 2001
K- born Sept. 2005
L- born Apr. 2008
We ALL have issues. It's how we deal with them that makes the difference

Posts: 532 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas, TX
heartache101
♀ 26465
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

islesguy

Well what was her take on that poly?? Does she not see what you are doing now?
Are you intimate? Make her feel special..Make it about the now. Not what was.
Each day get up make it about the now. Smile be the upbeat guy. Is she acting depressed and sad all the time? This is a 5 year plus ride to just to feel human again for some of us BSs..
What does she like? What does she need? Plan little surprises for her. Doesn't have to cost a dime. Cook for her do her laundry etc. Give her time to herself..Plan special events for the 2 of you hire a sitter. Nothing over the top.
Just plan your life around her and let her see it.
Make a poster and put it on the Fridge heck get the girls involved. A poster to make mommy smile??


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3199 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
islesguy
♂ 38090
Member # 38090
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted this in the general forum because I was interested in responses from betrayed spouses. But SI Staff moved it to Wayward, can I ask why?


Me: WH
Father of 3 beautiful girls

* I am a RS (Recovering Scumbag)
* Do as I say, NOT as I did. :-(
* I acknowledge the grace I have received. I know do not deserve it.


Posts: 233 | Registered: Jan 2013
JKL Vikings
♂ 32094
Member # 32094
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Isleguy, I don't think that WS are allowed to start threads in the General forum


Her- Alpha Female 40
Me-FWH 42
Married since '02, together since 2000
D-day 2/10/2009
3 sons- J- born Oct 2001
K- born Sept. 2005
L- born Apr. 2008
We ALL have issues. It's how we deal with them that makes the difference

Posts: 532 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas, TX
wifehad5
♂ 15162
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted this in the general forum because I was interested in responses from betrayed spouses. But SI Staff moved it to Wayward, can I ask why?

Questions like this can be trigger to newer BS's in General. You'll get answer from both BS and WS in this forum so long as you don't use a stop sign


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 37845 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Tred
♂ 34086
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t/j I believe WS can start a thread in General. I think the mods moved it to protect islesguy form newer BS's who don't have to restrain their posts in General like they do in Wayward. It was for his benefit I would assume. Mods please correct me if I'm wrong
end t/j

Isles, are you saying that all day long, at the dinner table, no matter what the activity, your BS can't look at you without disgust? I can sorta understand being triggered every now and then, but that sounds extreme.

[This message edited by Tred at 7:11 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4128 | Registered: Dec 2011
k94ever
♀ 11176
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Isleguy,

Getting back to your original question of "how the betrayed spouses who have decided to stay in their relationship have coped with this".

For me it was like having a cronic backache. The pain was always there but I learned to live with it. It's coming up on 7 years since Dday and FWS has been dead for two of them and I STILL shake my head in disbelief at the extent of his debauchery.

I idolized FWS. And he knew it and it was so hard for him to know that I didn't respect, admire, or idolize him anymore. Parts of my heart were hardened towards him and the dynamics between the two of us changed but that's just some of the consequences of his actions he had to accept.

We were trying to repair our relationship and things were going well.

But I had to embrace his actions, make it part of my story and somehow come to terms with it.

I never looked at FWS the same as before Dday....and he knew it and had to accept it. But I still loved him. Just not as much.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6633 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
islesguy
♂ 38090
Member # 38090
Default  Posted: 6:45 AM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tred,

Isles, are you saying that all day long, at the dinner table, no matter what the activity, your BS can't look at you without disgust?

Yes, whether or not she is visibly showing the disgust on her face. I know it is there all the time and it just being suppressed some of the time.

[This message edited by islesguy at 6:46 AM, October 31st (Thursday)]


Me: WH
Father of 3 beautiful girls

* I am a RS (Recovering Scumbag)
* Do as I say, NOT as I did. :-(
* I acknowledge the grace I have received. I know do not deserve it.


Posts: 233 | Registered: Jan 2013
Tred
♂ 34086
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm truly sorry Isles. That's got to be hard to bear everyday. Unfortunately I understand your wife's point of view as well. In my own situation, my wife wasn't just what I considered to be the love of my life, the woman that I wanted to have a son with, she was my dream girl. I know it's cliche, but that's the truth. Up until DDay, she was my dream girl. She was the only woman I wanted to be with. I was content, happy, life was good. And for 14 years, every time I looked at her, I was looking at my dream girl. I'm sorry to say that's gone now. The love isn't, the laughter isn't, the feelings I had for her aren't gone - but the dream is gone. The innocence of the relationship. It's just gone, and I don't know if it comes back. I don't know if that shows in my expression.
Have you talked to your wife about it? I read your story and the list of things that you have taken from your wife. You mention
Our future - even if we stay together our future we will never be what it should have been
. Maybe that is what she thinks of when she looks at you, I don't know. Have you guys done MC? IC? There is a lot to explore in this topic: how does she see your future, why is she staying, all that stuff. Best of luck.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4128 | Registered: Dec 2011
ItsaClimb
♀ 37107
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never looked at FWS the same as before Dday....and he knew it and had to accept it. But I still loved him. Just not as much.

^^ this about sums up how I feel about my WH.

I don't believe I will ever feel the same way about him again, I don't believe I will ever love him or trust him completely again, I don't believe I will ever be 100% secure in our marriage, or in his love for me, again. That makes me very, very sad, but it is a consequence of what he did and it's something both he and I have to accept.

I am hoping that we will still be able to have a worthwhile marriage, even though I feel that way.


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1025 | Registered: Oct 2012
painfulpast
♀ 41038
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Up until DDay, she was my dream girl. She was the only woman I wanted to be with. I was content, happy, life was good. And for 14 years, every time I looked at her, I was looking at my dream girl. I'm sorry to say that's gone now. The love isn't, the laughter isn't, the feelings I had for her aren't gone - but the dream is gone. The innocence of the relationship. It's just gone

Wow Tred. I’ve never seen anyone put into words how I feel about my H and my marriage post-dday so accurately.

The feelings do change. The love is there, but that innocence, that romantic feeling that it was ‘meant to be’? That was taken during my H’s A.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Chippednotbroken
♀ 40170
Member # 40170
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you sure you are not just seeing it. She may not be doing it but that's what you seeing because its how you feel and what you expect to see. My WH expects me to hate him and lash out and do all sorts of things. So if I am angry at a coworker he thinks I am mad at him. I am only a few months in so things are RAW in our house. What you project to her you will get back. Maybe stop looking for the look of disgust and go buy her some freakin flowers...


Me 33 (former BS)
Divorced November 17, 2014.
Who's that? The stronger me.
3 young kids

Posts: 353 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 22
Pages: 1 · 2

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