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Waywards/Betrayed - Please make sense of this??

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heartbroken2012 posted 10/29/2013 07:57 AM

So...WS and BS, please help me make sense of this. My WH said things to me yesterday and I simply dont understand? Maybe its because I am trying to rationalize something that is irrational?


We found out that the OW and my WH are scheduled to work together in the same group...again. After my WH transferred out of her group into a diff building etc to AVOID contact with her. Now they might be in the same group..weekly meetings etc. He said that is NOT going to happen. He is going to talk to the bosses and plead his case once AGAIN. He wants to be NOWHERE near the slut. He promises me that he will do something about this.

Anyways...I was feeling sick to my stomach and worried and told him that I wanted to take extra time last night and snuggle.

While snuggling, he told me that he ADORES me, and loves me and knows that he cannot be away from me for any amount of time, and he NEEDS me. I asked him why now? And didnt he know that BEFORE the A. He said that the A made him realize what he had and what he could have lost. Ok...? So I said to he needed the A to happen in order to realize what I meant to him and how precious my and his family were? He said yes and no. It didnt need to happen but it happening helped him realize it. He said that it was a rough patch for us and he got confused about what he thought and what he wanted etc. And that he is not confused and he cant live without me.
He also mentioned that I showed him that I really loved him because I gave him the gift of reconiliation. And he knew how much pain he had put both of us in.

So then seeing as he was talking and being loving, I asked well then why did he say such horrible hurtful things to me (i.e. he wasnt sexually attracted to me anymore) and BAM! he got defensive and angry and went off saying I always blame him. I asked him why did he minute loving and supportive and then mean? He said that I always blame him and he TOLD me why he said those things (he told me he said them to make me leave him because he was so ashamed of what he had done...he thought I was better off without him).

Im so confused. Im confused about why he thinks the A was good in that fact that it made him see the value in me when I knew his value all along...and thought he did too....and then the anger.

Please help.So confused...

[This message edited by heartbroken2012 at 8:28 AM, October 29th (Tuesday)]

befuzzled110 posted 10/29/2013 08:44 AM

Many people, once they get to a certain point, whether it is right or wrong, will actually look back upon an A and believe it helped them, or their marriage, because it helped them "see" and "feel" things that they thought they didn't feel anymore, and that they couldn't see before the A or during the A. Does that make it right? No, not necessarily. But I think your H was trying to just let his feelings be known...That he "sees" things now that he didn't realize he was taking fro granted. On the flip side, the fact that he was so quick to jump to the defense has red flags all over it. Are you two in Counseling? Ic, MC? He probably said those things because he was in the fog. He didn't know what he wanted. My WH said many similar things to me and I do believe him when he says that he said them to push me away because of his shame. Shame is yet another selfish feeling. Read "not just friends" by Glass. And another book, "how to help your partner heal from your affair" seems to be helping my WH understand somethings also....

simplydevastated posted 10/29/2013 08:44 AM

I could way off base, but this is what came to mind after reading your post.

He said that the A made him realize what he had and what he could have lost.

My understanding is that some relationships fall into a rut and the couple seem to be swept up when "life gets in the way." The couple could get wrapped up in their careers, kids, taking care of aging family members, illness, etc... When this happens they lose sight of each and start to think that their marriage is crap and think the "grass is greener" with someone else. It sounds like this could be his thinking and then once it all hit the fan he realized what an idiot he was and that he really did have a great thing at home. So to him the affair was his slap in the head moment.

His anger could be him feeling ashamed for saying those things to you when he truly didn't mean it and that was his reaction, albeit, not a very good one.

I hope some of this helps.


Blobette posted 10/29/2013 08:51 AM

My FWH says pretty much the same thing -- that he feels more intimate with and committed to me than ever. That he lost his way and he's happy he's back.

MovingUpward posted 10/29/2013 09:01 AM


Others have made great points to explain what he said. I noticed something else. It seems to me that you still have much hurt that you need to deal with. From a simple positive comment from your WS about how he feels about you today as his comment didn't fit your feelings on the situation things unraveled quickly. As I continued to read I felt that instead of stopping and expressing your feelings on things that you were leading him into cage with no way out by posing statements about how he must be thinking/feeling. I don't think that is a healthy way to communicate things. It obviously frustrated him and he shut down.

I am not saying that anything that he has done was correct nor am I saying that his comment about the good thing that came out of the A shouldn't hurt you. I just wanted to point out that I am not seeing (from what you wrote) an productive exchange of perspectives. Once again I only know what you have shared here so I might be totally off.

sailorgirl posted 10/29/2013 09:02 AM

For my fWH, the thing he feels worst about is how he treated me during the affair. Even once he learned to be supportive about the actual A, if I brought up how mean he was to me, he would get angry and defensive.

He still can hardly stand to have me list the cruel things he said. He starts panicking and reliving how worthless he felt. But, he no longer gets defensive or angry or withdrawn, which helps me a ton.

My H also felt that the A proved that I was too good for him and he deserved someone horrible like OW. He was self-destructing and pushing me away because being close to me made it so obvious that he was the worst kind of asshole.

I'm thinking your H still hasn't developed the coping skills to deal with what he did for long. He can react in a calm, loving way for awhile, and then you hit a nerve and he reverts to his old tactics: push her away, get angry so you don't have to feel remorse or sadness.

Is he in IC?

Ostrich80 posted 10/29/2013 09:26 AM

Simplydevestated , I think your on to something. I agree. I think his treatment of you during A, he is very ashamed of. I know when my ws gets called out on something, especially when he knows he effed up, anger comes out. He knows 2 emotions..happy and pissed, so pissed gets used a lot.

heartbroken2012 posted 10/29/2013 10:19 AM

MovingUpward, I dont quite understand what you mean, so if you could PM me and elaborate.

Darkness Falls posted 10/29/2013 12:55 PM


WS here.

It was only after I was faced with losing/having lost my XH did I truly realize how much he meant to me. I considered leaving him for the OM for much of the affair. I was too chicken to go through with it, and then I got caught. It wasn't until the choice was made for me that I realized it wasn't what I wanted.

I would never say the affair was a good or positive thing. But the *aftermath* of it...being divorced, being forced to the realization that it was ME and my own shit that was the problem...that was a great thing---because I would have never fixed myself otherwise.

It probably sounds crazy to those who haven't screwed up and lost or almost lost someone they care about due to their own actions. But I do believe in the saying "You don't know what you have until it's gone," because I lived it.

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