"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"
I just realized yesterday that I am doing this also.
We live very close by and in my mind I think it is inevitable that it will happen.
I went to the mall yesterday, across the street from where she works. The only mall that is local. I was having anxiety and feelings of being on guard. I have been avoiding going out alone, now I realize why.
In a way I wish it would just happen to get it over with.
I also realized that every time I do leave the house now, for work, to go to the grocery store, anything, I don't just go as I am.
I check the hair, check the make-up, check the clothes. It pisses me off. I was never like this before. If I was working in the yard or painting, whatever, if I needed to run to the store, I just went, I didn't think about how I looked. Now, I can't go get the mail.
It feels shallow, vain, it bugs me that I care.
In the scheme of things that part is minor. The biggest issue that I see is not letting this limit my life. That is what I am allowing. I am letting my fear of that meeting, viewing, prevent me from living fully. I think I fear my reaction more than anything, I do not want to turn into a quivering mass of fear. I do not want my pain visible to her. Maybe to play it out in my head, prepare, rehears what to do will take away the anxiety.
Anyway, you're not alone.
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
attempted R, it was all a lie