I just realized yesterday that I am doing this also.
We live very close by and in my mind I think it is inevitable that it will happen.
I went to the mall yesterday, across the street from where she works. The only mall that is local. I was having anxiety and feelings of being on guard. I have been avoiding going out alone, now I realize why.
In a way I wish it would just happen to get it over with.
I also realized that every time I do leave the house now, for work, to go to the grocery store, anything, I don't just go as I am.
I check the hair, check the make-up, check the clothes. It pisses me off. I was never like this before. If I was working in the yard or painting, whatever, if I needed to run to the store, I just went, I didn't think about how I looked. Now, I can't go get the mail.
It feels shallow, vain, it bugs me that I care.
In the scheme of things that part is minor. The biggest issue that I see is not letting this limit my life. That is what I am allowing. I am letting my fear of that meeting, viewing, prevent me from living fully. I think I fear my reaction more than anything, I do not want to turn into a quivering mass of fear. I do not want my pain visible to her. Maybe to play it out in my head, prepare, rehears what to do will take away the anxiety.
Anyway, you're not alone."So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
attempted R, it was all a lie