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He just doesn't get it

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MarriedATrainee posted 10/29/2013 08:25 AM

I'm still learning all the acronyms. I feel like such a chump because I know loving acronyms from blog land like DS for dear spouse but he sure doesn't act like a DS. He has been lying to me about this and that for most of our 7 year marriage but the latest emotional affair was the last straw for me. He still claims he didn't know he was doing anything wrong even though he hid their "friendship" from me. He had and shared intimate fantasies with her and claims he doesn't understand why his friendship crossed a line. I'm supposedly the one who doesn't love him unconditionally because I keep telling him who he can and can't be friends with (I've asked him to end three inappropriate friendships in our marriage).

It has been nearly 2 months since I confronted him on this latest relationship and he just isn't putting forth any effort to fix things. He doesn't object to my requests for counseling but just like everything else IN our marriage he's just doing what I've mapped out. I'd like, for once, for him to man up and start cleaning up his own messes.

There's so much more I could type but I'm tired so I'll hit post. I'm having a moment when I wish I could just walk out on his lying butt but we have small children, I'm a SAHM with outdated work experience and knowledge so I'm not in a position to just drop the kids in daycare and support us on my own. I'm financially dependent upon a lying, cheating manipulator and it hurts. I deserve better, my kids deserve better... Whether that means he pulls his head out of his rear and acts like the man he promised he'd be or we divorce, I want and need a better life.

doggiediva posted 10/29/2013 08:44 AM

I know the feeling of being stuck in a living situation that sucks the life out of you..

I am financially independent of my cheating WH but he is financially dependent on me because he wants to be..

Our kiddos have been grown for a while and are living on their own...I think my un remorseful WH knows I can't afford to support two households...He wants to be a dead weight and hold me back from D because that is his only and best strategy for the moment..

Unless and until your WH can get his head out of la, la fog land, focus on living life for yourself and the kiddos..

This may mean do NO cooking, cleaning, sex for WH and schedule activities for you and kiddos without considering WH's schedule.. A lying cheating WH should not get to cheat and come home to a wife that pampers him..This is called cake eating..

In the meantime get your ducks in a row..

Try to update your work skills and knowledge one step at a time until they are current..Even though you may prefer to stay at home with the kids until they are a little older, it never hurts to get financially independent of your WH and stay that way..

Is your line of work adaptable to being able to work from the home? Do you have any other talents that can translate into services or goods that you can produce while being home based? examples : wedding planning - photography, arts, crafts, typing or computer skills, etc..

Wishing you strength

[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:06 AM, October 29th (Tuesday)]

ruby44 posted 10/29/2013 09:00 AM

I hear you, in the same boat. I am a SAHM too. He moved out 2 weeks ago but still pays all the bills. This is what I recommend. Start planning your life. Not his, he has made his choices so far and needs to know there are consequences. Start taking a few classes at the local college or park district. Start figuring out what you want to do because, if you leave him or he leaves you, you are still going to need an income. If you can type, look for a virtual assistant job, there are tons of things you could try from home but be careful about the scams. Get your life in order and do not worry about his. You will survive this and it will take time.

MarriedATrainee posted 10/29/2013 09:41 AM

Thank you both. I do have lots of skills where I could make some money. I guess, to be honest with myself, it isn't just that. I'm mad because I like being home for the kids even though it's a hard job. I love doing projects, fixing p our home, cooking for myself and the kids (and incidentally him) and I love the life is built all except for the lazy (about our relatiinship) cheating husband. He's great with the kids, he supports my dreams, he is loving towards us all EXCEPT when it comes time to show me respect by being honest and committed. I know that's huge but the other stuff is too. I don't understand why I can't have it all. Why can't I be a committed housewife and have a man who is proactive and committed about our marriage?

He claims he's giving me space to sort things out right now but while I'm off pouring through books and trying to figure out how to pay for a counselor, he watches TV. I bought him a book to read and he picks it up every few days at my urging and reads for a bit but he hasn't come to me to talk or anything. I'm so sick of bring the only adult. I'm sure if I confronted him on it he'd just point out all the ways he has been trying to ease my life but he's doing it all wrong. I'm a clear communicator who makes my needs well known so he doesn't have to read my mind but he's still failing.

Honestly, I want him to start kissing my rear. I want to see remorse and I want him to court me and win me back. I told him that a month ago... He hasn't so much as tried to sleep in our bed. I'm swooning with the overwhelming effort...

doggiediva posted 10/29/2013 09:57 AM


Time for a 180..Read about it and other articles about healing in the links provided, top left corner of this website..

Honestly it sounds like he may still be in an A..At the very least he isn't emotionally present..

IMHO behaving and looking(expression on his face) as if he wishes he could be somewhere else is a huge slap in the face and disrespectful of you and the marriage...

If you have to constantly prod him along in fixing his mess than getting back to being happy in the marriage won't happen, more likely the M will suck the life out of you...Not true R..

For the moment it sounds like he isn't giving you any choice but to get your ducks in a row....

MarriedATrainee posted 10/29/2013 20:42 PM

Today I actually caught him with his copy of Not Just Friends that I had purchased for him about a week ago. I was relieved to see he at least thought to take it with him when he knew he would have some uninterrupted down time. It gave me a little hope. I hate this roller coaster.

I hope he has gotten to the many parts that reiterate how important it is to end all contact with HER because he doesn't believe me when I say it's necessary.

isadora posted 10/30/2013 05:05 AM

He may not get by reading the book either. It's a great book but if your WH is not ready to face himself, it won't get through

What are the consequences to him for his actions? What happens if he does it again?

Hang in there.

homewrecked2011 posted 10/30/2013 05:31 AM

trying to figure out how to pay for a counselor

This jumped out at me, because 2 years ago I was trying to do the same. He wouldn't try to help me pay because he was still in the A (I didn't know).

Please make this #1 - getting a counselor. You will find out pretty fast in counseling whether or not this guy is gonna ever be able to be helped. Your counselor will help you with this, and the betrayal, etc. IF I had done this 13 years ago when I had 2 small children, our lives could have been SO different!

Please also make a free consult to an atty. Find out how much you will prob get or not get in a divorce, this information may help you realize you can work only part time as I have been able to for 3 years now.

By not doing these things when my children were little, this is where I am now:

16 year old son
13 year old son

Dad started having an affair with my friend! Our families did everything together -- so that they could be together . Dad left us now he lives with slut 1/2 mile from our house. Youngest son who idolized dad now sees his Dad with this slut's 9 year old doing what they used to do together. My children are in marching band, dad and slut don't like marching band so they don't attend any competitions. We had a lake house and 13 years of memories there. Now on the weekends Dad DOESN'T have our children, he takes slut and her kids to the lake house.

Do you see the pain this is going to cause your children in the long run?

My friend got a divorce when her children were little. Her counselor told her that it's better they grow up visiting their Dad and start having a healthy home life with Mom asap.

The pain my children face by the tearing up of ever fabric of their lives, I think, would have been lessened IF I would have drug him to counseling, tried to see "IF" there were hope for him/us, THEN gotten a good financial arrangement, then moved my kids closer to my family and let their uncles/older cousins be their role models.


MarriedATrainee posted 10/30/2013 07:40 AM

If he ever does it again, I will leave, plain and simple.

I agree that we need more than a book and I also expect we will be able to see a counselor very soon.

My whole life has been lovely and charmed until it isn't. Periodically the universe just takes a massive dump on me and I'm in the middle of that now. I discovered how was way closer than appropriate with a coworker almost 2 months ago. Then almost 1 month ago, he lost his otherwise stable seeming job. He's not a deadbeat, the job loss thing probably wasn't help able. Part of me was thankful since the A was with a coworker but it was a shock and a blow to our plans to be in counseling as we lost benefits too. He has worked his tail off to find a new job and has gotten an offer, we are just waiting for something in writing now.

He is a good man, a very good man, except for the part where he lies about stuff which is huge but makes itI that much harder to accept. How can someone who is otherwise a good person be such a crappy husband?

But, I'm done with it. This is his last chance. If he screws up again, I will leave him because I deserve better.

I didn't even think about the fact that I could meet with an attorney for free but that's a good thing to look into. Right now, I'm going to put everything I can into making our marriage work because if I throw in the towel, I have to know I did all I could to save us first. Then I can walk away broken but with a clean conscience.

Right now there's so much change and insecurity in our lives that every day has extreme ups and downs for me. It's extremely taxing.

sparklezombie posted 10/30/2013 12:47 PM

But, I'm done with it. This is his last chance. If he screws up again, I will leave him because I deserve better.

I didn't even think about the fact that I could meet with an attorney for free but that's a good thing to look into. Right now, I'm going to put everything I can into making our marriage work because if I throw in the towel, I have to know I did all I could to save us first. Then I can walk away broken but with a clean conscience.

Put effort into your marriage, but have a backup plan. Save money, maybe try working part time once the kids go to school, pay down debt if you have any (Dave Ramsey's plan can b helpful with that). But have a plan in place. The worst thing is to feel stuck in a relationship because of finances. And it will be hell on you and the kids. So while I'm all for R, if he's willing, definitely have a backup plan in place.

Hope2B posted 10/30/2013 15:39 PM

trying to figure out how to pay for a counselor

If you are close to a university that has a program offering an advanced degree in Counseling or course work leading to an M.F.C.C. (or whatever they are calling it these days), you can get free counseling every week from interns doing a practicum class, supervised by the instructors who usually have years of experience in the field. The sessions take place in a room with a one-way mirror, but you only give your first name so anonymity is protected.

You will also get a free parking permit, too--but you may have to remind the department about this.

When I did the program, we were always looking for volunteers for our practicum class.

No12turn2 posted 10/30/2013 15:42 PM

Check and see if you are covered under his insurance. My copay is only $20 and WW could just pay that if she were willing to go to IC.

Raven96 posted 10/30/2013 16:04 PM

There is nothing wrong with working on your marriage and exhausting every avenue before deciding that it's time to go. You can still talk to an attorney to see what your options are. That can be part of your "backup plan."

Keep posting and venting here as much as you need to. We are here for you. I hope he realizes what he has and takes steps to keep your M rather than continue this pattern he seems to have with relationships with other females. If you were questioning such a relationship 2 months ago, and then he lost his job 1 month ago, is there a chance they are related?


pewpewpew posted 10/30/2013 16:19 PM

Please please see a counselor.
I know it is expensive but it was the best $100/session I've ever spent.
My WH also had an EA, "just friends" logic but our counselor really helped with our issues and exposing his A.
My WH also would not recognize this as an A since he claimed only friends and no emotional attachment as well. He still states their was so sexual attraction - something I will always struggle with. I never saw texts, or overheard his conversations but I believe he felt safe enough during our sessions to address if it had progressed there.
We did establish boundaries and what I will allow as far as opposite friendships.

MarriedATrainee posted 10/30/2013 16:33 PM

Raven96 - I asked if anyone at work knew about his relationship and he said no but I sill wonder if he was just oblivious since he still claims he didn't know his actions were inappropriate. Regardless, he's out of that office and we may end up in a better place as a family in the long run if he can pill his head out of his rump and treat me with respect.

Sometimes I wish we could just be parents and roommates. His lying really doesn't make me want him intimately but I know I can count on him as a father and a best friend to be supportive. He has demolished the 'in love' part by taking that piece elsewhere. We are neck deep in that tough part of marriage where our kids suck the life out of us but I knew it was only temporary and figured we'd rediscover our love and lust for one another when sleepless nights and constant neediness from the littles becomes the exception rather than the rule. Now instead of gradually working on jumping on opportunities to, well, jump on him, I will be using my strength and energy to learn to trust him again. Big dummy, he just had to go look for lust and excitement elsewhere. I even lost a bunch of weight this summer and am finally starting to feel like my pre-baby sassy self again.

[This message edited by MarriedATrainee at 4:35 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]

MarriedATrainee posted 10/30/2013 16:50 PM

Pewpewpew - that really sounds exactly like our situation. I did see an email where he expressed to her that he had imagined dancing with her while at a concert. I'm sure if they hadn't taken things physical, I stopped it just in time. It's a slippery slope.

We talked on the phone to a therapist when I first discovered what he had done and had plans to start seeing someone in person but then lost our benefits. We should have benefits again within a month and plan to get right on finding a counselor. Your thoughts here give me hope that a counselor can help him understand why his relationship wasn't ok and I guess teach him how an honorable husband should behave. Silly me, I thought marrying a man with parents who had a loving and devoted relationship meant he would now the basic rules of being faithful. Don't I feel dumb. I always said I didn't want to marry a trainee, I wanted a mature man (don't read old) who had already discovered himself, played the field and was ready to grow as a couple. Our entire marriage has been me teaching him what I thought were basics.

MarriedATrainee posted 11/2/2013 01:38 AM

We had what I thought was a great talk a couple of nights ago. We talked about the book we are reading plus an article I found n signs that your relationship is entering the danger zone. I reiterated that I wouldn't feel secure in our marriage until he ended his friendship and all contact with her. He nodded but I could tell he still wasn't buying it. I'm treading lightly right now as we wait to get on insurance and can find a counselor but I thought he was getting it.


I just checked his Internet history and he's been surfing around her Facebook page again. He is also flirting with a friend's girlfriend and while I fully believe he thinks it is harmless, I see it as an alcoholic (which he is but has been sober for 6 years) taking a sip of whiskey... Just riding a little too close to the line.

He has been loving and attentive to me since our talk but clearly he's still holding on to his affair in some way as well. I hate snooping, I hate being sneaky and suspicious. I hate that he has turned me into this kind of woman. I also hate that I get uncontrollable shivers when I discover these kinds of things. Thank goodness I have a heating pad to sit on and some wine to calm me down. He's not home right now and I can't just sit here alone shaking... So I'll sit here alone drinking.

I told him our marriage wouldn't survive another affair. I also told him I had looked into some divorce settlement information and knew I could remain in our house with our kids and work a part time job and live off that and alimony (not in a threatening way, I was actually proving a point that if I didn't want to be with him emotionally, I didn't need him to live here).

He knows the stakes are high but clearly still doesn't understand where he needs to draw the line in order for us to heal.

I'd like to swear a whole lot right now but don't want to get kicked off the board so just imagine all the swear words you know and repeat them in your head in rapid succession.

I'm feeling so hurt again.

MarriedATrainee posted 11/2/2013 03:26 AM

I snooped some more and at least this time I learned he has unfriended her on Facebook but she's one of those dummies with a wall that's open to everyone so he can troll through looking at pictures. She doesn't post much though and there aren't pictures of her but his visits tell me he's trying to relive their connection. He doesn't get that all relationships are fun and exciting at the start... He can't even remember that we once were.

I wish I could see his phone bill so I would know if he was still texting her. At least for now he has no clue I can see his Internet history so I know he's not on our computer with her... The phone is a whole other ball of wax though.

[This message edited by MarriedATrainee at 3:27 AM, November 2nd (Saturday)]

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