SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Good morning everybody...Its been close to 3 months since DDay(8/3). She had online affairs that included AFF and Yahoo Messenger. The way I caught her was that she was very protective of her phone and laptop. One night she went upstairs to finish laundry and I opened up her laptop. AFF was open and she was sex chatting making plans to meet with different men. She admits that she did have intentions of cheating, but to this day denies no sexual activity. As the title says my WW got fired from her job about a month ago. I asked her why and her response was that they did not give her a reason. Im a disabled veteran and haven't worked since 2005. This seems odd that a company would not let you know the reasons why. Does anybody else think that? When she was having these online affairs she would meet men and take longer lunch break and sometimes leave early to meet men before she went to night school, MBA. There were times that she would come home,on time, but have to catch up on work. It really didnt occur to me that something may be happening until she got fired. Its been 6 weeks now, and I can tell that she is starting to stress about job search. I do understand, and try to be very supportive. Over the weekend we both both had a very emotional conversation in bed. She keeps telling me that she loves me and is sorry for what she did. Its going to take time to forgive and forget. I feel that she is sorry but for her to keep repeating same conversation makes me feel she is having impure thoughts again and feels guilty. Another example was yesterday. She still keeps in touch with an ex boyfriend that she cheated a few times with on her ex husband. He lives about 4 hrs away so Im not too worried about that. She slept until noon yesterday but her history shows she was on facebook reading his messages around 9am. I dont know how she pulled that off when she was upstairs asleep. Does anybody think its right for me to tell her to stop contact w/him? She always told that they remained good friends after they stopped dating. Later on that night before she went to school, I suggested sex when we went to bed. She looked forward to it, but before class was over she sent me a text saying that her stomach was upset and maybe tomorrow. When she got home she ate something and had a couple of glasses of wine. Of course Im thinking " if her stomach is upset why is she eating/drinking. I started to get a headache and went to bed earlier. I know there are other ways to have EA or PA besides online. If she did have a EA online, maybe she is starting to think about him and miss their conversations. There is an on campus bar that she used to go to after class. Once again, all it takes is noticing male customer. It starts as eye contact, talking, innocent flirting etc. They may not have sex, but after our situation any innocent flirting is inappropriate. Does anybody have any input on my questions that I asked? Im just letting my thoughts out right now. Im starting to get in that low self esteem mode again. Thanks

Welcome and sorry you are here. This may seem a bit harsh, but I'm not know for sugar coating things, I call em like I see em. So I am sorry if this hurts. But you deserve more than accepting something that most likely isn't true, and being a second choice.

I would also like to say Thank You for your service, which allows me to live my life the way I choose.

I see so many red flags in your post that I'm questioning my visual acuity. She tells you nothing happened, and you don't have proof, so you belieive her. Did you make her go get tested for STD's? Did you ask her to do this? She had way too much free time to not have met up with some of these guys, and if she met up with them it wasnt for coffee, sorry. I think you are just getting the tip of the proverbial ice berg here.

Yes you have every right to tell her to stop communicating with an old boyfriend. She is addicted to the attention these sites and the old boyfriend give her, and until you stop that she is cheating. Unless of course you are ok with it, and she is open about it, which I doubt you are.

She does not seem sorry at all, she had done nothing to change herself or work on the reasons for why she was doing it, what is sorry for is getting caught and she stopped it, but I'd bet my lunch that she if finding some other way to "get her fix". Have you followed her to school? Have you checked up on her?

I know you want to believe all is good, and she is trying but frankly I am not seeing it. Did she get a compensation package from her work of just flat out fired? If she did there should be paper work that will account for the reason of letting her go. The company has to document it, to determine unemployment eligibility.

It sucks to be in this position, and I agree that something isn't right, I would urge you to go into detective mode, and get ready to play some real hardball, because I think this is going to get a lot worse before it gets better.

I am sorry but you will find a wealth of support and knowledge here. Keep asking questions, keep posting. Stay strong.

Oh wow I would never have online chats with a member of the opposite sex...Never.
I have PMd a few members here but strictly for support.
You need to set up boundaries she needs to be aware of the boundaries that make you feel safe.
If my spouse can't and won't care to make me feel safe then why would I want to be with him??
Your spouse is suppose to be there for you and support you.
Communicate..

Welcome here brother...

I see a lot of red flags in her behaviour. The fact that she's keeping odd hours, still in contact with a previous OM, secretly checking facebook, etc all add up to a world of trouble. With her getting fired she may not have been given a reason (many companies don't other than 'cost-cutting') but it does sound fishy in light of everything else.

Now, please understand that your WW's choices are all on her. She made the choice to persue the affairs, and apparently has a history of doing so. For some reason, something is missing within her and she is seeking that external validation. She needs to do some deep digging to find out why she thought this type of betrayal is acceptable. And she needs to take action to commit to the marriage and ensure this doesn't happen again.

You can't control her. But you can control your own choices and you can stand up for yourself. You have rights. Respect them and respect yourself. You need to think about what you will not tolerate in your marriage and whether you are willing to walk away if she refuses to abide those boundaries. You are not a victim - you are an empowered individual.

I would let her know that your preference is to work on the marriage, but that you need to see a change in longterm behaviour is you are to stay in it. Words are cheap - your WW's actions will show her for who she truly is. I would make it clear that you refuse to live with infidelity in your life and that you need 100% verifiable honesty and transparency in your marriage to rebuild the trust. This means that she gives you access to the affair tools (email, phone, passwords, etc) and that she cuts off and blocks all contact with past, current, and potential OM. That is very much a non-negotiable - don't even entertain thoughts of reconciling while she is in affair mode. Let her know that it's her choice as to how she follows up, but that one way or another you will move forward with your life.

Now, at the same time you can take steps forward in your life with your healing. Read in the Healing Library. Look at the 180 as a way to detach and rebuild self esteem. Consult a doctor/counselor to have some professional help. Monitor your diet and exercise. Get involved in your life independent of her. Consult a lawyer to find out what legal rights and options are available to you to protect yourself. Consider separating finances should she continue her behaviour.

By laying out the boundaries clearly and working on yourself you hold one hand out to her inviting her back to the marriage and the other ready to assert your boundaries. Don't accept anything less than total effort and commitment from her if you want to reconcile. And if she is not willing to do this, you have to decide what is truly important to you.

This is going to be a long and painful journey. Some days are going to be better than others, and this will test what you are capable of. But if you can stay true to yourself and respect your rights you will get through this and move to a brighter future. Keep posting and keep reading. Keep faith in yourself, keep smart, and keep strong. You will get through this.

You're gonna be okay.

You know that when she was fired that she was given a reason. The fact that she wont tell you the reason is rather telling in itself. Those long lunch breaks were probably when they were having sexual romps. I suspect there is more to the story than you have been told.

Is she receiving unemployment? I don't think you're eligible if the termination was for cause.

Thank you for your service brother. Sorry to meet you here, glad you made it.

First, thank you for your service.

I am sorry but it all sounds like a crock of shit to me. (I don't use nice words for cheaters )

As a business owner I can tell you that if I fired someone they would damn know why! Also I would try to get unemployment denied, as it costs me $. So chances are good that she DOES know the reason. Just doesn't want you to know. Also if she is on AFF she is probably not looking for "chats". She may feel justified, she may feel embarassed, she may feel scared. Who knows? One thing we, here at SI, DO know is she needs to come clean now. No lies, no TT (trickle truth). Those 2 things have killed more marriages that you can shake a stick at.

I don't give advice very often, as others are way better than I, but I am going to advise you to go into stealth mode. Take your time gathering info, if you need more (some people don't need a lot, others need tons).

Read the Healing Libray (upper left corner).

And post here.

You will get wonderful support here, and we can help guide you thru this shitstorm.

Sending strength.

Hi and I'm so sorry you had to find us- but as the others have said- welcome- you are among friends.

I need to agree with ... Well... Everyone, but more specifically Still2.

Stealth mode. She appears to be in some SEVERE denial- there are huge red flags in her behavior right now and it is my fear that you are in shock and not realizing that you are allowing her to blow smoke up your... Nether regions, shall we say?
As a BS, we often do this because we are so used to loving them and trusting them that we ALLOW them to deceive us without realizing it.
Having said that... It also appears she is in survival mode- telling you anything, no matter how ridiculous, and seeing if you believe it. Then- blowing up on you or making you feel stupid for even questioning her.

Read about the 180.
Go quiet with any accusations for a bit.
Just gather some info- it does not sound like she is in any place to come clean or accept boundaries. Get your ducks in a row and some solid information before dealing directly with her about it. It sounds as if she has turned snowing you (sorry to say ) into an art form. Without more solid proof, I fear that you will easily accept her stories and lies... Because admitting the truth may hurt too much.
I am so very very sorry that you are feeling this awful pain. When I say that the people here know EXACTLY what your pain is- I mean it.
The best thing for you right now is to take care of you. No big decisions right now. Eat, sleep, exercise, read a lot from the Healing Library and just wait a bit to see what else comes to light.
I wish you nothing but strength and peace right now.

Lots of red flags. I'm sorry. I work in HR and even in an at will state there normally is a reason. Even if you don't contest an unemployment claim, a company needs to protect itself from lawsuits.

Her actions are telling you quite a bit.

Hey everybody...thank you for all the responses. Since I posted my topic my WW and I had a couple of emotional conversations. She is upstairs right now sleeping. I feel that if she catches me on here, she is going to get upset. Once I get a chance I'll be back to let everybody know what happened. Im very confused right now. She seems so sincere, like we used to be, with some of the things she tells me. Like some suggestions I'll gather more info. for now. Good luck, be strong, and stay positive. It hurts but its nice to know that there is a family like SI.

Seriously? You are concerned about her getting upset because you are trying to educate yourself, and gain support for dealing with her breaking the strongest relationship in your life? F that noise.

You get to set the terms and rules of R if that is the road you choose, and if she balks, argues, gets angry, disagrees then she doesn't get what she has done to you, or doesn't care the pain she is/has caused you.

This is insane, seriously. She is a married woman and on line chatting with other people in a sexual manner, and you are worried about her getting mad at you????
You allowing her to abuse and manipulate you.

Please go back and reread Ser's post, also read the tactical primer thread, I will bump shortly for you. If you want to make it through this as a sane person then you need to start educating yourself, and finding a way to get strong and stay strong.