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It all on me

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Lostinthismess posted 10/29/2013 10:36 AM

Apparently if we divorce, it's all my fault. He told me in a conversation last night that the affair is his fault, but a divorce is all on me yes he made a 'mistake' but I have to give him a chance to fix it. I'm just a cold heartless unforgiving bitch that has passed judgement on poor him. What the fuck. I will be the one responsible for ruining our kids lives also. Not his affair. Not his choices. Not him fucking another woman. Not him sending her half naked pictures. Not him telling her they had 'a connection'. Not him, me. It will be all on me for divorcing him. Why the fuck would he try to guilt me into staying?? Why would he want to be married to someone that stayed because of guilt. I'm likely already trapped due to finances, I'm just so fucking pissed at his self righteous, self deserving attitude. Screw him

HardenMyHeart posted 10/29/2013 10:44 AM

Why the fuck would he try to guilt me into staying??

Because he wants you to stay and he doesn't know any other way to prevent you from leaving. If you think about it, this is actually more sad than anything.

karmahappens posted 10/29/2013 10:46 AM

He can say whatever he wants.

You know the truth.

Walk towards the direction you see yourself happy, content and thriving.

You will be ok. This is all on him.

sisoon posted 10/29/2013 10:47 AM

I hear you.

How can anyone R with an unremorseful, self-righteous, over-entitled so and so like your H?

Sorry you're stuck. I hope you can somehow get him to face himself.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:48 AM, October 29th (Tuesday)]

nowiknow23 posted 10/29/2013 10:49 AM

Divorce is a funeral, not a murder.


Lostinthismess posted 10/29/2013 10:53 AM

Sisoon, he is remorseful. It's more about me deciding the affair is a deal breaker. Then I'm horrible for not trying. I don't get it. He knew cheating would make me leave. In fact, that's the reason the affair continued apparently. He was trying to make her go away 'quietly' because if I found out I would leave. And here we are, in reality, and I want to leave. And he can't believe it. I don't understand why he's shocked

Holly-Isis posted 10/29/2013 12:44 PM

I don't think he's remorseful if he went into the A knowing you would leave if you found out and now he's blaming you for the consequences. He should be owning not just his actions, but the consequences.

stunnedin12 posted 10/29/2013 12:51 PM

The first thing that popped into my head is that divorce is final yet it isn't....

If you divorce and if he really and truly has decided to be a stand-up, amazing man, husband, and father - then he'll fight to change your opinion of him whether you divorce him or not. He would go to the ends of the earth (even AFTER a divorce) to show you respect, love, etc so that you'd believe and trust him and someday love him.

Until then - HE had the affair - Like I told my wh -

Everything has a consequence - HE chose the action, *I* get to choose the consequence. He may not like the consequence, but I don't give a rat's ass.

painfulpast posted 10/29/2013 12:56 PM

Please let me finish before gasping

Yes, the divorce IS you. Just as the affair was his doing, the divorce will be your doing...

I'm just a cold heartless unforgiving bitch that has passed judgement on poor him. What the fuck. I will be the one responsible for ruining our kids lives also.

This is where he's wrong. These are NOT the things you are doing by divorcing. You are standing up for morals and decency, for truth and for being treated respectfully. You are teaching your children very valuable lessons about what to accept (via Mom's actions) and what NOT to do (via Dad's actions). You are doing what is fair and expected, and you are basing the rest of your life on honesty and integrity. THAT is what you are doing.

He's an ass for trying to guilt you, and you 'have' to give him a chance to fix it? Really? Did he give you a chance to ask him not to cheat?

The entitlement just never ends with some people. So sad.

Lostinthismess posted 10/29/2013 13:34 PM

Painful past, I do get that. I was kind of just spewing as I was writing, I need to get it out! It's not like I just woke up and decided I wasn't happy and wanted a divorce. I woke up and found out my husband had a girlfriend. Cause and effect as I see it. Entitlement is the word I was looking for. Like he's entitled to ME.

[This message edited by Lostinthismess at 1:38 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]

Blobette posted 10/29/2013 13:36 PM

This is such wayward thinking and shows that no, he isn't truly remorseful. If he were truly remorseful he would get it, and he wouldn't do the classic blameshifting thing. It is a huge and horrible responsibility to initiate a divorce, and it is just... cowardly... to put this on you.

It just reminds me of spineless dudes who can't break up with girls, but just act like assholes until the girl breaks up with them. Then SHE'S the baddie. Just.Grow.Up.

sisoon posted 10/29/2013 13:38 PM

I don't think he can be remorseful. A remorseful WS accepts the consequences, no matter what they are. A remorseful WS doesn't blame the BS for choosing to split after being betrayed.

Note: accepting the consequences is only one of many characteristics of remorse. Accepting the consequences is necessary to show remorse, but accepting the consequences on its own isn't enough to show remorse.

confused615 posted 10/29/2013 13:39 PM The expected consequence of fucking another woman while married is divorce.

He was fully conscious during his affair,right? Is he now?

Lostinthismess posted 10/29/2013 13:39 PM

Hmmm, well I guess I never saw it like that. I assumed it was fear driven.
Eta- sorry, cross posted. This was in response to Sisoon.

[This message edited by Lostinthismess at 1:44 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]

Lostinthismess posted 10/29/2013 13:43 PM

I honestly don't think he does take full blame now that I think about it more. He was drunk the first night. He figured out a lot of why's on how he got there, but still falls back on the you know if I wasn't drunk it would have never happened. The following weeks of sexting, sex, phone calls are supposedly all because she got angry when he said it couldn't happen again and he was trying oy 'manage' her and get her to agree to end it. So he justifies it, saying he made the wrong decision, but it was with the end goal of making her go away.

TrustGone posted 10/29/2013 13:48 PM

I have this hanging in my office..Sorry I don't know who I copied it from....

How in the world can you not "imagine life without her"? Your very actions almost guaranteed it. It's not one of those unimagined side effects. Cheating ends relationships. It's designed to end relationships. It's entire function, in part, is ending relationships either by proxy, substitution, or in reality. ~Author unknown

My husband has to look at this everytime he comes into my office. I would suggest you hand your WH a copy. Maybe then he might actually "get it", because right now he isn't.

Lostinthismess posted 10/29/2013 13:51 PM

Thank you trustgone. I guess neither one of us are as far along as I thought.

heartache101 posted 10/29/2013 13:57 PM


He is blaming everyone and everything for his actions. He did this not you..
Noone put a gun to his head and said hey man screw her again! Sorry don't buy his shit.

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