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GIANTS78 posted 10/29/2013 11:04 AM

I met my Fiancé a few years ago in London. He is from NYC & had recently moved to London with a new job in the city & to escape a bad marriage. His children still live in the US. He is currently at the end of the divorce proceedings.
When I met him he completely swept me off my feet, he was handsome, confident, wealthy & we just had such fun. He very quickly said he hadn't planned for this to happen as he'd been in such a long marriage but he'd fallen in love with me. I felt the same & it all seemed so lovely. I knew he'd definitely had casual relationships & one night stands before me. I was quite relaxed about this as I felt he'd been married for a long time & it was natural to go a bit wild for a while.
The first problems I started to notice was his heavy drinking & he did not know when to stop. A couple of times when he was drunk he'd had a nasty temper on him & sworn at me. Nothing physical but I was shocked by it. He confided in me that he suffered with depression & had done since a boy but had finally needed help in his 30s so he was on medication for depression & anxiety. He said how ashamed he was to be on meds & didn't want anyone to know.
If we were out & he was drunk he would be flirtatious w the opposite sex calling them sweetie etc which I didn't like but put it down to his American charm & having had a few to drink. When we were drunk about 3 years ago we would go to strip clubs (led by him) it was fun ish! but after a while i didn't like it.
i used to be quite fun & sexy & leave naughty magazines in his suitcase if he travelled, really just as fun not really realising what was to come! I found it all quite fun at this point & was very liberal on my views.
We moved in together just over a year ago & he continued to go on lots of boys nights to bars & clubs & would often get in at 5am! I could see his receipts to Strip Clubs in London. He never really hid the receipts he was so off his head he'd just roll into bed!! His drinking was getting out of control. He could function still at work etc & he didn't drink in the day time etc but if he went out with his friends it always got messy.
Over the months he became very territorial of his phone. Having it turned faced down, not liking me looking through his photos etc. basically one weekend he told me he had to go on a business trip to a European country & would be back the next day or the one after. We fell out because of his heavy drinking & he stayed away for 3 days w no contact. A few months later I found out by reading his phone he had actually been in a completely different country to the one I thought & had spent the weekend w a girl. Her text talked about the weekend they'd spent together & how she could have had his baby that weekend! Presumably they didn't use condoms?! He's lied so much about it. When I had my proof plus confirmed the passport stamps he slowly gave me drip fed parts of the story. He said he went w the boys & had lied as he knew I wouldn't let him go. So he came up with the lie of a business trip. The girl he'd met a few weeks before at a business function where she was a waitress. They had obviously swapped numbers & kept the contact. When he did fly home he looked absolutely awful & had clearly been drinking very heavily for 3 days. He looked very ill. He said he had a big drinking problem & he loved me dearly & was so so sorry for what he was putting me through.
During those drunken episodes in London I'd seen quite a few phone numbers hidden in his wallet or written on a strip club receipt!
Lastly we got engaged this year & things seemed to be moving forward. I was still devastated by what he'd done but also tried to look at the bigger picture of him with depression & clearly a big drink problem. After we got engaged about a month later he went out with a friend & rang me to say he'd be a few more hours but it wouldn't be a late one. I of course believed he was with his male friend but I have since found out he was with his buddy plus he'd invited this girl down for fun & drinks. He rocked in at 5am completely drunk. that morning i checked his phone & saw her messages & so i rang her!!! . She was really upset as she said shed really liked him. She said she thought he was single. he'd wanted to carry on drinking & suggested they go into London but she said she had an early start the next day so he suggested a local hotel where they could drink at the bar. the bar tender said it was closed & the only way they could drink was to get a room! so they got a room, drank, got naked & she performed an act on him! (i think you know what i mean)! she said he didn't do anything to her. She said then he disappeared off the radar & she thought he wasn't interested in her as he hasn't text to wish her a happy birthday!
The following weekend the heavy drinking continued & he went off on a 3 day drinking session. it was awful i had no idea where he was until he got in each night and i looked at his receipts. he'd been in the strip clubs again. he'd been with some random man he'd picked up at the bar. his texts from him said thank you mate for such a fun night. this is the usual pattern he is very generous & spends a fortune on shots & rounds for random people!
when the dust had settled He said how much he loved me & I'm his soulmate & he was so disgusted by his behaviour. He said he has a drinking problem & clearly is messed up in the head. He has since all this been going to a male councillor who has been amazing & told him he needs to sort his life out. To stop drinking as he will loose his fiancé. He went 87 days sober & only went out 3 times & drove & was home at 11.30pm! & then sadly last weekend he was drunk fri/sat & sun! I was devastated! He's been so lovely & loving so to see him self destruct again is awful. He actually came home at a reasonable time each night & compared to the past he wasn't aggressive & there were no numbers or strip club receipts etc. He did however have 2 random girls names where I saw a missed call at 11pm & another girl he'd said to come out for drinks he was with his mates!! He said he'd wanted to set this girl up with his friend which apparently happened when she did turn up! He said he'd met her back in the dark days of drinking & shed recently text him. The other one he said shed recently text him too. He said he'd saved their names so he knew who they were & he'd told them both he was very happy in a relationship! He's been on an AA type website to help get support from other members who had drinking problems. He left his computer open one day logged on so I had a look at what he wrote etc & he had a few female contacts who lived in America. I read their messages & they were just friendly about football etc but in one he says to one of the girls would u like me to send u a picture of myself so you know who your writing too. I just didn't like it.
So here we are I hope I haven't bored you all. I love the man so much & I do know he loves me. Gosh we both got matching tattoos w each others names on. But I just don't know which way to turn! He has been sober for a week again now & has booked to go & see his counsellor this weekend. He says he's been disgusting to me & wants to clean up his act. But I just find the unfaithfulness so hurtful & his lies. One minute I'm his soulmate & the next he's probably at a strip club getting goodness knows what from a dancer. We are both Christian & I think he does have a moral compass but equally has this dark & self destructive side!! I am actually 3m pregnant & we are very excited & he seems thrilled but I'm so scared I'm actually going to be hurt again & I can't get over the deception. I look at all the husbands walking around with their wives & see families at church & feel really upset my partner has treated me so badly. I would really value your advice and opinion on this. I hope there aren't too many typos!! Love from London x

Dark Inertia posted 10/29/2013 11:31 AM

Wow. That is quite a story. I got a hangover just from reading it. Well, here is my opinion on the matter:

This is a man who is engaged to you, you are pregnant by, you live with him and he is still married. Doesn't matter whether they are near the end of the divorce proceedings, you started and continued a relationship with him while he is still married.

Now you said that you two have been together for a few years, and you knew that he cheated even before you. You justified his cheating by saying

...I was quite relaxed about this as I felt he'd been married for a long time & it was natural to go a bit wild for a while.

Now define "long time". Because by your own logic you should be relaxed about him cheating on you since he has been with you, for what may be to him... a "long time".

I don't mean to be harsh, but you have to keep a few things in mind: He is an alcoholic who sounds like he loves to have a good time. He likes partying like a rockstar, and the sex that goes along with it. And it sounds like he may have done this for most of his adult life. So this isn't just a phase, this is his lifestyle.

And now you are pregnant with a kid, and what kind of funsies is that? He could have gotten that back in the States. Yes, he may love you, but does he love you enough to change the way he lives? Does he love you enough to quit drinking since he is on the road to cirrhosis, anyway?

We see this a lot. "He does this, and this, and this, and this, oh, but I LOVE him..." Truly, you should love yourself and your child more than him at this point, because the love he has for himself is enough for both of you.

How old are his children, anyway?

Good luck, I hope he changes for you.

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 11:39 AM, October 29th (Tuesday)]

GIANTS78 posted 10/29/2013 12:05 PM

Hello thank you so much for your response. When I said I was relaxed I meant when he moved to London & was single. I didn't mean I was relaxed with him being unfaithful if that makes sense? He had been separated from his wife for a year & basically dated girls & drank heavily. His friends were all alpha males & not particularly nice to be honest. His children are 8 & 13. I do love myself & certainly this little baby. But love him too. You are right he is an alcoholic & he says he wants to change. I guess IF he does great but am I mad for staying? It's so difficult! 90% he's wonderful & 10% the drunken womaniser! I just can't understand why he'd cross the line. He clearly isn't bothered by any of them & he's always come back to me but it doesn't make it any easier to get over. I've considered counselling for myself plus couples counselling too???

headdesk posted 10/29/2013 12:16 PM

I'd really strongly urge you to do some serious investigations into alcoholism and why people tend to be alcoholic. Maybe see some alanon meetings. This is a huge and very difficult thing to deal with. It is also possible to be a 'dry drunk'...in that the guy may not be drinking but he's still not really dealt with the reasons behind the drinking and therefore still falls into the same problems.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease.

Hugs. :(

GIANTS78 posted 10/29/2013 12:21 PM

Thank you so much I really appreciate your help. What does D Day mean? You have been through hell too? It's so hard!! Emotionally draining. I see you are in Ohio. All those miles away & yet so near with technology : )

Blobette posted 10/29/2013 12:22 PM

This guy has kids. So... is he a good father to them? That's the kind of father he is going to be to your child.

Frankly, this guy sounds like a trainwreck

Dark Inertia posted 10/29/2013 12:25 PM

You seem like a very sweet girl, but there are a lot of red flags with him. Tread with caution, his actions have to match his words. I strongly suspect his ex wife went through something similar with him that you are going through.

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 12:26 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]

PinkJeepLady posted 10/29/2013 12:27 PM

My thoughts exactly, sounds like he has pretty much abandoned his young children. How do you feel about that? Why doesn't he feel like he responsibilites to care for them. There is a lot more to parenting than financial obligation. No matter what the relationship with his WIFE, he is still a parent.
It sounds like there is some serious issues here, like he is still married?
Please try and step back and take a good look at the facts and what you want!

GIANTS78 posted 10/29/2013 12:30 PM

He loves them very much & they love him so much. They miss him dearly though. He roughly goes back every 4 weeks. I'd love them to come to London but I don't expect that for a long time! If he continues to drink he's screwed & I know I couldn't stay but if he FINALLY stops the booze can people move on? Be happy? Can you forgive? My Christian side says yes but my heart is so upset it's not so easy you know!!?? He has booked to keep seeing his counsellor. He says he's changing his mobile phone number. He also says he's not going to go out with 'the lads' anymore! He says he's been such a selfish jerk & all he wants is Bubba & I plus obviously a continued relationship w his children. But words can be cheap can't they!? ; )

SurelyNOT posted 10/29/2013 12:32 PM

I am writing to you from Toronto, Canada. Boy, what a tale you tell. I think like headdesk says you should check with AlAnon.
This story makes for one very sad and sorry situation. I have no words of advice to impart to you, but others may be along who may have more to offer you.
I wish you well with your pregnancy and hope that he can find the strength to face up to his problems and become a better person.
You deserve to be happy and not inundated with this mess particularly given your pregnancy.
Good luck to you on this journey and sending ((((HUGS)))) across the ocean.

GIANTS78 posted 10/29/2013 12:36 PM

Sorry I'm new to this I've just realised I have different people responding. Yes I know what you say about financial obligation. Love is the most important thing. Yes I think the wife went through exactly the same!! Exhausting. He told me he was drinking very heavily for the last 8ish years of their marriage. He said his mate was a big drinker & he went out w him a lot to escape the marriage & the fighting. He said it all just spiralled out of control!? He realises now moving to London was cowardly he said he just wanted to get miles between him & her. But he realises now that was not the right decision for his children!!! He says part of the drinking was the guilt about them! Still doesn't excuse him lying & being w other woman!!!

GIANTS78 posted 10/29/2013 12:38 PM

Thank you so much Surelynot that is very sweet of you. Atlantic hugs to you too x

TrustGone posted 10/29/2013 12:48 PM

I am sorry you are being put through this and are now pregnant by this very dysfuctional man. Bringing a child into an alcoholic home is the worst thing you can do. His actions do not match his words and until they do you are in for a hell of a ride with this one. I wish you the best, but I expect the worst from what you have wrote. As the saying goes...When someone shows you who they really are...Believe them!!!!

PinkJeepLady posted 10/29/2013 12:51 PM

Oh that's good to hear that he is involved with the children, sounds like he is trying. I hope you do get a chance to be involved with them as well.
It does sound like the drinking is an excuse, but for what exactly? Who or what is he trying to get away from now, he isn't near the wife now.
I can totally understand self medicating ones self. Hopefully he gets help soon with it. I am glad you feel like he does have a moral compass, sounds like he need to find it and soon!
Hang in there!

PinkJeepLady posted 10/29/2013 12:53 PM

One thought, have you actually seen the legal paperwork stating the divorce is coming soon? Just something to think about, to be sure, you know?

GIANTS78 posted 10/29/2013 12:55 PM

Yes saw legal documents x

ladies_first posted 10/29/2013 12:56 PM

90% he's wonderful & 10% the drunken womaniser!

When you have the time, head over to the Wayward Forum (here) and look for UncertainOne's post on "WHITE KNUCKLING" through addiction(s).

The mindset is there. 100%. Some may act out on the addiction -- alcohol, sex, workaholism -- more than others, but the mindset is ALWAYS there.

Until the mindset/addiction changes, bad behavior is always "one opportunity" (or one drink) away.

It goes without saying, his drinking enables his cheating; and his alpha cheating enables his drinking. Right now he's WHITE KNUCKLING both addictions.

It's your choice what you do with this information.

GIANTS78 posted 10/29/2013 12:57 PM

Pinkjeeplady that is a very good point! What is he escaping now! Clearly he has deep rooted issues w drink & women I think. Do some people just want it all? And self destruct!

GIANTS78 posted 10/29/2013 12:58 PM

He said he used to just loose his inhibitions & then the next day would think 'what the heck am I doing'!!!

GIANTS78 posted 10/29/2013 13:09 PM

Ladies-first I did try to look for that post but could not see it on all 25 pages. X