So it kills me not to know some if the exchanges. I wonder how they talked. Was it cute and fun or more serious and love filled? I wish I knew, and then again I wonder if I had that info, would it have been too much for me to process and would it have changed our outcome (deciding to R).
Any thoughts from those that didn't get enough proof/info and this'd who got too much?
"What lies behind you and what lies in front of you, pales in comparison to what lies inside of you.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
Gun to my head however, I wouldn't change that aspect of it because although their sexual desire was so strong , I was able to see that there were NO feelings there, it was all just sex. Not that that makes it any better. I don't know. I've also found that for questions I've had that went unanswered for a while, what I imagined was going on was much much worse than what was going on.
All in all, info, no info, it all sucks and there are pros and cons to both situations I think.
ETA, without that major proof I know in my heart my WH would have NEVER come clean on what really happened. He's just not that guy. He would have minimized and lied through his teeth and gotten away with it all and the thought of living a life with him after and never knowing makes my skin crawl.
[This message edited by OldCow18 at 11:50 AM, October 29th (Tuesday)]
I did ask detailed questions and made him give detailed answers. I know what happened. But like you, it kills me how they texted like all night one night and his response about it was "I told her I wasn't sure I could do it, she said fine, and we talked about board games."
The flip side is that I found out by going into his Skydrive and seeing the photos he texted her that he thought he deleted....
So all I had to rely on was his word as he answered the questions I posed to him. I trusted him that he was finally being honest with me. Well, it turns out he was still lying to me.
I'm praying so hard that he has truly disclosed everything at this point, but I have nothing but the word of a liar to go on. I wish I would have been able to get more information. I don't know if it would have necessarily changed anything, but at least I wouldn't feel half blind like I do now.
As it is - I'm willing to give him the benefit of stupidity and see where this goes.
I think I have his attention because of my response when I found out about the last time he broke NC and when I found out chickie had been in our lives over a year..... Yea - that wasn't so nice.
Living together 14 months
D day May 13th 2013
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Most things will be okay eventually, but not everything will be. Acceptance is a small, quiet room.”
I am very detail oriented and would love to have seen those for a few reasons. One, being that I would have actual evidence as to what happened and not his word. And two, because I would love to know if any of them were people he had more than one sexting session with him.
At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.
"Love means never having to say you're sorry."
Then somehow we started to date again. I asked him point blank if there were others. He looked me in the eyes and said NO. I fell in love with my husband again over the next several months. He eventually moved home after a 10 month separation.
Six weeks after he moved home, I discovered #2 and 3.
Had I known about #2 and #3, I never would have started dating him again. We would be divorced by now. But, by that time, we were "in love" again. My kids were starting to believe in Dad again. My marriage was better than it had been in 7 years. I gave him an ultimatum that night. He chose me.
I will say that finding out about #2 and 3 made it easier for me in a way. I fully understand now that #4 was not special, she was just there. I had built her up so much in my head that I couldn't even say her name. But now, she's just one of many mistakes he made during his 6-7 years of fuckedupness.
Still, he let me reconcile under false pretenses, without the full truth. Had I known, I'd be living the single life by now...
In a way it's good that I know some of this info because it paints a picture of what their relationship really was so I don't have to just imagine what it was like. It's fair to say it was not a "real" relationship.
Here is what it would have changed, if I found out more...
If I had known on the first DDay that the A was *really* a LTA 7 years long with a hooker, I would have kicked him out that night, changed all the locks ASAP, and cleared his stuff out of the house and dumped his crap in the driveway or front yard.
[This message edited by Hope2B at 3:49 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]
It does help some, as I know what he said about me and the marriage. Also, I can see how it evolved. Even though I have the evidence, I still have trouble believing him. A lot of it is telling each other how "hot" they are and how great they are at work, so it is a lot of ego stroking.
The sex talk is pretty pathetic. He basically described himself as Don Juan who was wronged. He completely threw me under the bus, which is a HUGE point of contention for me and several MC sessions have been devoted to it.
Also, there are a few segments of the OW giving him tips on how to help our marriage. What an idiot. NEWSFLASH: Maybe NOT sleeping with a married man may help the marriage? Or telling the married man to fu** off and go talk to his wife?
[This message edited by ILINIA at 4:24 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]
D-day #2 I saw enough recorded chats to get a general idea and to get an email address. When I emailed that OW, she clued me in on two others who were friends of hers. Then they contacted me and forwarded me pages and pages of emails and chats between them and my WH. Once they realized how much he had lied to them, they were happy to throw him under the bus and out him to me completely.
I won't ever forget the sickening drop in my stomach, reading his interchanges with them - how much it sounded exactly like his emails/texts/chats with me when he was courting me. And how impossibly frequent and prolific.
I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone. What I read was so much worse than what I would have imagined. All the "us" dialogue and vocabulary that I had thought represented our courtship was used with all of them. ALL OF THEM. There was literally not a word special to "us."
Did it help me make an educated choice and understand exactly what was going on in WH's head? Absolutely.
Are there parts that I read that made R way more difficult? Absolutely.
The term "mixed blessing" is spot on.
[This message edited by Reality at 4:36 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]
For me, my biggest fear was that I'd find something that would be a deal breaker. I didn't want it to come out 6 months down the line - just after D-Day, I thought that would be a long time - so I pushed and pushed my questions until I felt I had enough to know I had everything I thought could be significant. I'm 99.9% certain that nothing important is missing from my understanding, so I now believe more info would not change my decision or my process.
In fact, nothing really significant came out after the 1st week, but if I had stopped my questions then, I'd be walking around in fear today.
Obviously, I'm for asking, asking, asking until you're more than satisfied with the answers, but YMMV. This is a very personal choice - the best approach is the one that works for you.
Knowing 1A was actually a PA instead of an EA as I was tricked into believing?
Well, I wouldn't have conceived DS 4 mos after c-day. Possibly would've filed for D by then. Would've kept my job at the daycare I had been at for nearly 6yrs instead of following MrH to another state. I had been moved from teacher to receptionist. Had I stayed, they were planning on making me assistant director because the director was leaving soon too.