Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Did anyone else have no idea of the cheating??

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Pages: 1 · 2

sleepless34 posted 10/29/2013 11:15 AM

I am sure most of you know my story, I was totally blindsided. I still wake up at 4am every morning thinking it is a nightmare I can wake up from.

I may have even asked this question before...and if I did, I am sorry, I still am in a bit of a fog, so please bear with me! One day I am so red hot mad I think I might burst into flames, other days I am sad, other days numb or confused, shocked or baffled.

Today I am baffled. I am back to "How the hell did something like this actually happen to me?to us?"

I read everyones posts, and I am wondering if there are lots of others who thought they were happily married and didn't know anything, suspect anything, or have history of infidelity or martial issues.

Every single person I know/we know is also totally shocked, horrified and baffled by my story. People thought we were one of the happiest married couples they knew, and that he was the last guy anyone would expect to cheat. He talked about me all the time, talked about how important family was, he was the "good guy." He told me he loved me. He would say things like "the grass isn't always greener" about others who he didn't think had any "gratitude" for what they did have in life. He acted mostly very peaceful and fulfilled.

Looking back there probably were signs I missed. If I was a suspicious person, I would have interpreted certain things differently, but I totally trusted him and really didn't think he was capable of such deception.

It is scary to think he was a total fraud. It is scary to think that maybe he planned it to be this horrific catastrophic event so I wouldn't ever want to try and reconcile, so it could be me that ended it. So he could run away and never have to answer any questions.

It is scary that he likely saw lawyers before he even confessed his A to me, so that if I did not agree to the OPEN MARRIAGE proposal or let him still have her, that then he would head straight to the divorce option.

I have no idea who this man is. I don't know if he was ever the guy I thought he was, or if he had some mid life crisis and snapped at some point. I don't know how to reconcile that I was with him for 15 years and then, in a flash, it is all changed and all over and I am not even sure what happened.

I haven't asked for a full explanation from him. In the beginning I did have questions and I got some half truths at some point and even that hurt like hell to hear. Then I went NC except for the kids stuff. NC saved me from myself.

I doubt he could or would be honest anyway, and I know everyone says I will never get closure from him, he won't ever "get it" but DAMN I am still so baffled. How does this shit happen outside of the Jerry Springer show??

Please tell me your stories...

Gemini71 posted 10/29/2013 11:24 AM

I had absolutely no clue either. My D-Day happened when I got a call from the police saying they were holding STBXH for soliciting a minor for sex. WHAT???!!!

Since then I have found out things that I never thought were possible. (see my profile) STBX didn't have any unaccounted for time. He didn't work late, and his card clubs and sports were actually card clubs and sports. Let's just say that he got a LOT done on his lunch hours.

STBXH is a computer programmer, so I didn't question his need to be on the computer. Maybe I should have. For him, internet porn and chat rooms were the gateways, Craigs List the facilitator, and my BFF in an 'open' marriage was the last straw.

We're supposed to be able to trust our spouses, and the level to which they've betrayed that trust is appalling. You are not alone.

h0peless posted 10/29/2013 11:36 AM

It hit me upside the head like a ton of bricks. I thought we had a good, solid marriage and I trusted her implicitly. My ex was a serial cheater and a really good Liar. I didn't suspect a thing.

hoya96 posted 10/29/2013 11:37 AM

I was completely blindsided.

My mother, 3 years post-divorce, is STILL so very bitter and confused as to how she was so fooled for 15 years by my ex, to the point that I've gently said that maybe she needs therapy to work through it.

Absolutely everyone thought my ex was a fantastic guy who adored me. His nickname was actually "The Saint" - because I was always the very "type A" CEO of the family while he seemed to amiably go along with whatever I said. I had absolutely no idea he was unhappy, much less engaging in multiple affairs. He never discussed being unhappy with me, never asked for couples counseling, etc.

Out of the blue he left me for my best friend. EVERYONE in our circle was absolutely stunned by both of them.

I have gone over and over it a million times (including through years of therapy) and have come to the conclusion,with my therapist's help, that I was truly bamboozled by a narcissist (him) and sociopath (her). It is only fairly recently (last 4-6 months) that I have truly reconciled this, and am now engaging in effective measures to protect myself and not allow them to hurt me further.

Be gentle with yourself. It's hard to reframe everything you thought to be true about the world.

pregnantandsad posted 10/29/2013 11:49 AM

I feel like I could have written the entire first have of your post. I was and still am, totally shocked. Everyone we know is shocked. His mom tells me that she cries herself to sleep every night over what he did to me and our family. His best friend is so angry at him and is even more shocked than I am, I think.

He truly is the last person on earth that I thought would do something like this. Like you, 4 months out from D-day and I still find myself waking up somedays thinking it was all a bad nightmare. When I think of all the has happened over the past 4 months- the things he has sad and done, I am in disbelief. I go from sad to angry to numb about a million times a day.

sueonthemove posted 10/29/2013 11:55 AM

You're not alone (((sleepless34))).

My husband always got pissed off when people split... always told me we were in this together forever, that quitting was NEVER an option. When both my sister's had affairs, he said it was a pattern in my family and that he was worried I'd do it too.

He had an affair on a GF long before we were married... said it screwed up his life so badly, he'd never do it again.

Our relationship was pretty much non-existent when it happened though. I see now that we had lost closeness and communication and that's why it happened. BUT... there are better ways to work on a marriage than lying and cheating (a conversation perhaps??).

So yah... I was totally blindsided. We are still together... he is continuing his A... tells me he wants to be together forever, that he will NOT QUIT, yet just doesn't believe in monogamy anymore. And he is refusing to move out.


So, I hear you sleepless... it's sucks big time

[This message edited by sueonthemove at 11:55 AM, October 29th (Tuesday)]

TrustGone posted 10/29/2013 12:00 PM

Yes. I was totally blindsided and so were all our family and friends. No one could believe that he had been carrying on an A for 2yrs and I had no clue. Everyone always thought we were the happy couple and so did I. I trusted him totally and had even taken a wonderful job out of state during the week. Come to find out he had her living in my home during the week and they were engaged. I still have trouble believing it. Even after DDay#1 when OW called to out the A, I went almost another year of FR before she outed him again on DDay#2.

You are not alone in this. I had no clue because I never checked up on him, looked at his bank account, phone calls, pay stubs, etc.. Even after I did start checking he lied so well that I felt even more stupid on DDay#2. This was all before SI and I was still struggling to even wrap my brain around it.

We are now attempting to R, but it is not going very well. He is a rugsweeper and wants our marriage to just go back to how it was before he started the A. I have told him we can't just pretend it never happened and ignore the elephant in the room. He apolgizes and then wants to drop it all again. I do not think he is still cheating, but I wouldn't be surprised to find out he is. I am not sure what he told OW but she has attempted to break NC twice in the last year. I don't know if he told her he had to stay because of my illness or what he said. He said he never told her that, but again he is a very good liar, so who knows. He had us both fooled.

I also feel like I don't even know the man I am married to anymore. The A changed him for the worse. He attempts to be kind to me now like he used to be, but I just don't feel the same about him now and don't think I ever will. He has done very little since DDay#2 to fix what was broken in himself and his alcoholism has gotten worse than ever.

I know it is a very dysfunctional way to live, but it is what I am forced to do due to finances and my illness. I read alot in the D/S forum because I have an XWH#1 also who still drives me crazy and I can give advice sometimes on how I deal with that NPD POS.

I know I have read in some articles that a BS always knows, but just ignores the red flags, but that is not always true. Looking back now, yes there were red flags, but at the time I never recognized them as red flags. He always had an explaination for everything and never wavered from it. I never knew he was such a successful liar.

LifeIsBroken posted 10/29/2013 12:12 PM

Sleepless, I could have written most of your post. Everyone thought we 'had it made.' So did I. We were happy, had two wonderful daughters, a nice home. We both worked from home, had our own offices there. It was ideal. My xh also writes software so he was on the computer all the time, literally from the time he awoke till he went to bed, often at 2 or 3 a.m. I did know something was 'off.' Our daughters also recognized he was not himself. We all asked him multiple times, "Is something wrong? Are you ok?" He always - ALWAYS - attributed it to work stress. He had two demanding accounts who called / emailed multiple times throughout the day, so this was a very believable answer. I NEVER suspected he was cheating. I had no idea he was into the nasty porn he visited often online. I did know he was playing online poker / it was an escape from long days of programming. I didn't know there is a chat box that is included in the site. I did not know he had been chatting with a MOW. One thing led to another; they began sexting on our 35th wedding anniversary and 3 weeks later he emailed her: "Will you marry me ? For you have touched my soul." What resulted was a 60 yr old man acting like a 12 year old. The skank was on board because she admittedly wanted a sugar daddy and he said, "I'm him !" Once she thought he had money, she was also in luv. I have never been so blindsided by anything in my life. I knew something was wrong.... but surely never suspected any of the above. I thought he was an honorable man. I was wrong. Six months after D-Day, it was apparent he was not willing to change. It was also apparent to me that I could no longer live with him and what he was doing / wouldn't give up. One key stroke and he changed our lives / our family forever. I'm sure, if you asked him today, was it worth losing your family over, he would say yes, simply because he stopped facing the truth when the A began. Which tells me what we are missing when we chose to have no contact with him: Nothing. If that white trash cheating married woman's nasty is more important to him than our family, than HIS OWN DAUGHTERS, we didn't lose much. He became a shallow & dishonorable man.

I don't normally watch The Talk but did have it on one day last week while cleaning. During a discussion of infidelity, Sara Gilbert commented SHE WOULD DEFINITELY KNOW if her partner was cheating, that NO ONE could possibly be blindsided. I laughed. She obviously has NO clue.

newlysingle posted 10/29/2013 12:51 PM

Same here. I had no idea and was completely blindsided. I read a book called "Runaway Husbands" by Vikki Stark. It explains this phenomenon of men who appear to be loving husbands in happy marriages and then like Jekyll and Hyde turn on you and leave for another woman. It was very interesting and really helped me to make sense of what had happened to me. I recommend it.

LisaP posted 10/29/2013 15:15 PM

My marriage was work from the beginning. Regardless, I thought it was solid with the same goals, desires, etc.

His Dad cheated on his mother and left her. He hated his Dad for this and their relationship was strained to say the least. He always said he would never do something like that. He didn't want to be like his Dad. In his "other life", he was his Dad and more. I was completely blindsided.

Newlease posted 10/29/2013 15:33 PM

Every single person I know/we know is also totally shocked, horrified and baffled by my story. People thought we were one of the happiest married couples they knew, and that he was the last guy anyone would expect to cheat. He talked about me all the time, talked about how important family was, he was the "good guy." He told me he loved me. He would say things like "the grass isn't always greener" about others who he didn't think had any "gratitude" for what they did have in life. He acted mostly very peaceful and fulfilled.

This was my marriage.

Now I knew something was up for a few months, but I thought it was MLC/empty nest/depression. We talked about it - I urged him to go to the Dr. and he did. But another woman? I was dumbstruck. Even after the initial Dday and the confession of an EA, I thought it would all blow over.

I never realized what a good liar I was married to - he took it underground and it became PA.

Now that 8 years have passed and I have survived, moved on and thrived in my new life, I still look at him and think WTF? His life hasn't turned out nearly so well. He spends a lot of time alone. He has destroyed the relationship he had with our sons. And he still doesn't have a clue.

Sending strength and peace.


Artemisia posted 10/29/2013 15:34 PM

Well, hmmm. We were having trouble for about a month before he left. But I thought we were going through a rought patch, not that he was having an affair and about to leave. I actually thought we were finally doing some really good work and getting to the bottom of some our big stuff. I feel stupid for that now, and sad.

Before that we had years that were pretty darn good. Friends who told us they had never seen such a happy couple. A couple who started happy and stayed happy for so long. We spent a lot of quality time together, shared a lot of ourselves, shared a lot in common.

We had read a Gottman relationship book together during the bad month(in which our relationship scored very highly - makes me so sad). There was a section of questions on trust, and fidelity. At the time I truly believed that I trusted him completely and he would never cheat on me. Becuase that's what he had told me. That he would never, could never do that. That he had seen the devastation it caused and could never do it to another person.

I am also so sad that he knew how badly he was hurting me, but he did it anyway. Didn't care. Wow.

So, I knew we had problems and were in trouble. But cheating? I never, in a million years, would've guessed. But maybe I should have. I think I will never see other people's behaviors the same way again. Scales have fallen from my eyes. Or at least I hope so.

Thefly559 posted 10/29/2013 16:14 PM

Add me to the list! Our stories are all the same. I would tell her often " are you ok? I feel like you are cheating. I need something from you that you stopped giving me, I don't like you talking to strange men at 2am on text while we are in a bad place ". I said so much to her. She did nothing but say I was a jealous insecure asshole! Lol. If you knew me I am actually the opposite. The people are different but the pattern is the same. I ignored all the flags! I loved unconditional. And like you that is all I am guilty of. I am sorry , but they say it gets better , and they are right it does. I just wish it would hurry up.

Elaine2012 posted 10/29/2013 16:49 PM

I read everyones posts, and I am wondering if there are lots of others who thought they were happily married and didn't know anything, suspect anything, or have history of infidelity or martial issues.

Every single person I know/we know is also totally shocked, horrified and baffled by my story. People thought we were one of the happiest married couples they knew, and that he was the last guy anyone would expect to cheat.

I had no idea that he was cheating I was completely blindsided by his infidelity. After 33 plus years we had reached the point of looking toward retirement. He had purchased a motorcycle and we spent most weekends on rides. A couple of summers before dday we had taken a 3 week trip out west. It was our longest vacation ever.

He had sent me on a 3 week "surprise" birthday trip to visit with my terminally ill mother. I was certainly surprised/shocked to discover text messages to the OW. This was two days after my MIL passed away and I had returned from the trip. I wasn't here to say good bye to her.

On dday he told me he didn't want to be married to me anymore. And he hasn't looked back. Fifteen months later I'm still shocked that he did it.

Looking back I saw a few red flags that were so "explainable" that they really weren't red flags. It was only upon reflection that I saw them for what the were.

I can tell you that the horror will begin to subside. You will begin to have days that it's not all you think about. Time really does help in the healing process.

msk99 posted 10/29/2013 17:03 PM

Unfortunately, I kinda saw the writing on the wall, I became Magnum PI, but chose to rugsweep/deny it was happening.

sleepless34 posted 10/29/2013 17:11 PM

Wow, I guess lots of us were blindsided!Yikes, I am AGAIN sad for humanity that this is how so many people can be.

I can recognize that maybe we had drifted apart a little in the chaos of life with two kids and work. I can accept that part, that maybe romantically he was feeling unfilled, not getting enough attention. Whatever, neither was I, he put in ZERO effort in that department when I expressed what would make it better and more frequent!

That still does not excuse the cheating. It is not a justification. He could have talked about it. He could have tried to work on our marriage. He was weak and was and is a coward. THis part pisses me off to no end, that he didn't think enough of HIS CHILDREN to do whatever he could to try and work it out before it ends up in an epic shit storm like this...

I could have possibly even forgiven the affair part of it..well maybe not...but if it had been shorter and he had been sorry and horrified at himself and had true remorse and tried to handle the aftermath more honorably. The whole ordeal just shows his true colors.

It is not just that he went out seeking an affair, but that he carried one out for 1.5 years, but then how he told me, when he told me, how he acted in the immediate aftermath, the blame projection, his legal actions, all of it shows me what a complete and utter shit head he is.

I think those that are weak and can't communicate and act like the "nice, sensitive guys" are really angry inside and do resent the strength of the partner. They feel unworthy, but are too weak to try to fix it, so running away is much easier for them.

When he drops off the kids, the neighbors won't even look at him or wave. The other moms I am friends with at school won't even say hello or make eye contact. The guilt and shame must feel horrific, and I am loving it.

Abbondad posted 10/29/2013 17:29 PM

While I was not blindsided, what did shock me was her continuing knowing it was killing me. Her continuing as I begged her, sobbing, to "stop hurting me." Her continuing when I implored her that her actions would "bring calamity to our family."

And on and on.

I've tried to understand, took blame, just everything. And all I can come up with is a big, "these people are seriously messed up and mind-bogglingly selfish."

So, blindsided? No. But forever scarred? I suspect so.

Strength to all of us.

Oh, and me too: wonderful marriage, sacred family, constant telling each other how great our union was, ad nauseum.

StillLivin posted 10/29/2013 17:44 PM

Looking back I saw a few red flags that were so "explainable" that they really weren't red flags. It was only upon reflection that I saw them for what the were.

Yep, I'm there too. The screwed up part, I've been cheated on by other men in casual and not so casual relationships pre M. I always saw it coming and took appropriate measures. My STBXWH...nada. Absolutely nada. Hell, even at the divorce attorney's office, I walked back in because I forgot my keys and he was talking so lovingly about me. It's crazy making.
My two DSSs mother all but abandoned them. I have raised them for almost 10 years now. He completely blew up our family unit. Both are having a hard time processing that I will no longer be "their Mom" when the D is final.
He was always slightly selfish, but that was just a part of who he was. I didn't even consider myself co dependent because when his selfishness went a little overboard, I always called him out on it and threw down the BS card.
After DD I found out he memorized everything I ever said negative to him and held onto it to justify the A. He had the audacity to claim me getting mad at him 3 years before the A caused him to have the A.

sunsetslost posted 10/29/2013 20:08 PM

I knew we were going through a rough patch. Never dreamed she'd do this to me. She wanted out of the M so badly she did the one thing she knew I wouldn't be able to forgive. I admire those that try R, and even though I was open to it initially I changed my mind. Not that she was remotely interested. I deserve better. We all do. I'm going home and not looking back. Well, maybe a little

phmh posted 10/29/2013 20:57 PM

Absolutely no idea. We were very happy, or at least I was! (Looking back, I realize he was emotionally abusive but I just brushed it all off. I'm much happier now, but I still would have been happy had he not cheated and we stayed together.)

We did a ton of things together -- finished a 50 mile race and a couple of marathons in the months leading up to D-Day -- running together the entire time. We brewed beer and cider and were really good at it. We'd taken up birdwatching. We went to Europe 3 or 4 times a year. We slept holding hands and showered together every morning. He was just finishing up his fellowship (after med school and residency) and we had tons of plans for the future.

We had no reason to fight -- no money problems, pretty much no stress, the world was in the palm of our hands.

It still baffles my mind sometimes when I think about it. You really can't outrun FOO issues (MOW was a clone of his mom -- who never loved him) and, looking back, there were red flags as to his character, but blindsided doesn't even begin to describe what happened!

Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.