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Do They Ever Change?

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Janne posted 10/29/2013 11:25 AM

Short recap: A year ago, I discovered his long time online EA and almost affair with a stripper. We worked things out, and I installed a keylogger on the computer to keep track of him. He started the video sexting again, which he eventually told me about after I prodded him. I let him know I was fine with it as long as he didn't give out his personal information, show his face, or start chatting outside of those sites. He promised, and even gave me all his new passwords. I tracked him for months. He kept his promise. The keylogger stopped working about a month ago, and since things between us had stayed good, and he had kept his word for over a year, I decided it was time to let it go and stop tracking him. Well. I had a feeling and reinstalled the keylogger. And found, surprise! A new email account, new sexting account, and evidence of him visiting a strip club and starting something with a stripper again. (I am not sure about the details yet.) He got smarter, and checked his email activity. He knows I know. And he is not saying anything. Pretending things are fine. Asking me what is wrong. I am so depressed. I can't sleep, or work. I don't know what to do.

[This message edited by Janne at 11:27 AM, October 29th (Tuesday)]

painfulpast posted 10/29/2013 12:08 PM

May I ask - why did you think it was ok for him to be video sexting as long as 'personal' information was not given? That is such a serious line to cross, particularly with someone that has very poor boundaries. Is this something you enjoy as well, or did you think it was harmless?

Please, I'm certainly not judging you. I'm honestly wondering why that would have been agreed to.

Thank you, and again, I mean no offense and I'm not judging.

k9lover1 posted 10/29/2013 12:21 PM

When this happened before, did you set boundaries and consequences for crossing those boundaries?

What do you want to do? The problem with it happening a second time, is they can't plead ignorance - they know they are hurting you and they choose it anyway.

Now it's your decision - do you want to stay with a cheater? It's obvious that the cheating is more important than his marriage - put it to the test.

strongerdaybyday posted 10/29/2013 12:26 PM

why did you think it was ok for him to be video sexting as long as 'personal' information was not given?

This is what I was wondering - he obviously has very poor boundaries and was setting him up to fail.

I'm not coming from a place of judgement. Just curious.

You have 2 choices:

1) be honest, call him out on his bullshit
2) don't say a word, allow him to dig his hole deeper and then call him on his shit.

But - the second option is a slippery slope to a PA if it hasn't gotten there already.


Why are WS such douchebags - especially when they're given the gift of R?

Janne posted 10/29/2013 12:53 PM

I don't know what qualifies as a porn addiction, but he quite possibly has one. Knowing he would not/could not stop with the porn, I had to make it ok if I was going to stay with him. Otherwise, he would continue and hide it, and then I am the dumb fool who stayed. Jokes on me I guess.

solus sto posted 10/29/2013 13:33 PM

Oh, honey. No. You don't have to make things that NOT are okay okay to stay with him.

But we all make mistakes.

From here on out, focus on what you need, not what he wants. Do you *want* to live with active addiction? If not, then erect boundaries. is helpful for spouses of addicts. Making use of the drug of choice okay is not. He will escalate, if he has not already. This may put you at physical and financial risk-- not to mention emotional risk.

It's time to protect yourself from the fallout. It is NOT okay to bring others, even "virtual" strangers into your marriage.

It is harming you both.

Millions of hugs to you.

[This message edited by solus sto at 1:34 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]

Janne posted 10/29/2013 14:23 PM

I know people believe and will try to convince me otherwise, but leaving is NOT an option. Mostly it is a financial issue (don't judge me, you don't know my life), but I do/did? love him, and we have 3 young children who deserve two parents under one roof. I am under no illusions. I grew up in an extremely unhappy home, and know exactly what it is means for parents who hate each other to stay together. (I am not saying we hate each other.) Please excuse any unintelligible comments. I am having a hard time focusing and putting my thoughts into words.

Chippednotbroken posted 10/29/2013 18:10 PM

I understand the not being able to divorce but why doesn't he have to modify his behavior and do something other than the addiction? Why do you have to live with something that makes you unhappy and he doesn't? He has to stay too I presume? Put it back on him, especially if you can't live with it. Easier said than done I know.

k9lover1 posted 10/29/2013 22:22 PM

Sounds like you only have limited options that you are willing to pursue.

1. You and he get into counseling asap and try to make a better marriage;
2. You let him continue to disrespect you, possible bring home diseases and endanger your life;
3. You confront him and tell him that this is not acceptable;
4. You just put up with it till you are old and gray and his dick shrivels and he can't screw around any more.

sparklezombie posted 10/30/2013 12:29 PM

I do think you need better boundaries. If you can't leave now because of finances, can you at least set up a timeframe and a plan for you to leave if things don't change? Something like going back to school if needed, or going ahead and getting a part time job (if you're not already working) or paying down debt, so that in __ years you know you can live on your own without him? I think it's a hard environment to raise children in and not one that is beneficial to them. I also think that you're worth much more than what he's giving you. You deserve better.

Secrets Kept posted 10/30/2013 13:12 PM

Where there is a will, there is a way!!!

You & your kids deserve better than this. If you feel there is absolutely no other way about get rid of the computer? That would definitely show him your feelings about the issue & show him you are serious?!?!?

Funny that the keylogger quit working a month ago & then low & behold, he is up to his old tricks right after.....hmmmm? Just a thought for you about it.

Hugs to you.

Kierst13 posted 10/30/2013 13:31 PM

They CAN change, but they have to want it for THEMSELVES and nobody else.

Mine did not change.

Janne posted 10/30/2013 14:34 PM

What kind of boundaries should I be setting that I haven't already? We agreed to him going cold turkey the first time around. That lasted about a week, so I gave him my conditions mentioned in the original post. For the record, I am truly not bothered by porn. Once upon a time, it was something we enjoyed together. Regarding our finances, I work full time and went back to school part-time about 4 years ago. I am very good with money and we have no debt. But it would be years before I could earn enough to leave. And he has had as many jobs as years we are married. (Has no degree, limiting his earning power.) This all weighs heavily on our marriage and is in part to blame for his actions. (I am not excusing him - I just have some insight into his behaviors.) It's all just depressingly hopeless.

[This message edited by Janne at 2:35 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]

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