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comesaround posted 10/29/2013 12:36 PM

well its now my turn to be the BS of 2 days as i was formerly the WS 4.5 years ago. i dont want to ruffle any feathers so im asking if its ok if i post here.

sjf89 posted 10/29/2013 13:52 PM

How's it feel?!

Healing2012 posted 10/29/2013 14:00 PM

You are a BS, so you can post here. I imagine you feel some awkwardness having been the WS - at least that's how your question came across.

I'm not here to judge, just offer my sympathy for your pain. Feel free to say more when you're ready. We are here to listen.

dontknowwhyme posted 10/29/2013 14:06 PM

How's it feel?!

I think that was a rude and cruel statement

sinsof thefather posted 10/29/2013 14:08 PM

I think you are technically now what is called a 'madhatter' (someone who has experienced infidelity on both sides as a BS/WS or a WS/BS) there is a thread specifically for madhatters in the I Can Relate Forum - where you will have the understanding of people who have been in your shoes - I'll post the link to that thread here;

but right now, you have just found out - and you are a betrayed spouse - so I don't think it's against the rules for you to post here for support too. Like Healing, I'm also not here to judge you and you aren't ruffling my feathers by posting here. You are a person in pain and sadly, we all know what that feels like.

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 2:09 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]

comesaround posted 10/29/2013 14:14 PM

ill just move to general or something, im understandably unwelcome here.

Healing2012 posted 10/29/2013 14:23 PM

I think you're welcome here. You are a BS and probably just as confused and in pain as the rest of us.

I think someone mentioned the mad hatters thread as an additional place for you to read and post.

Sending you strength as you make your way through this...

Chippednotbroken posted 10/29/2013 16:56 PM

I would actually really like to hear your point of view and story.

comesaround posted 10/29/2013 17:09 PM

So i found out 2 days ago it was my turn to be the BS. Im a former WS from 4.5 years ago. I know there is a madhatter thread, which technically i am. but right now i dont really want to relate to other madhatters, i just need to talk. (on a side note i apologize because i realize just how incoherent this gets at times, also it gets kinda ranty, and angry towards the end.)

might as well start from the beginning. 4.5 years ago was d day for my BS. we were not married then, but are now, about 3 years 5 months now. I had PAs with a few different women while we were dating. After D day i TTed for a LONG time. I was pretty cruel to my BS. About the only thing i did right in the process was when NC was finally established i kept my end of the deal and NC.

We still got married. And i have a step daughter nine years old. She is my daughter as far as im concerned. Ive known her since she was 4 years old. My step daughters father is out of the picture. And we are currently trying to get him to sign over his rights so i can adopt her which he says he is very willing to do, but he is trying to avoid paying the 15000 in back child support he owes so he keeps dodging letters and phone calls.

Things have always been rocky though. From the wedding on. Along with dealing with my infidelity from before.

So 2 days ago, i was watching TV while my wife was playing on facebook. I knew she had alot of guy friends from her days in the military, and she had recently reconnected with alot of them. I was happy for her because she has been through alot and doesnt really have much of a support system. Her family basically told her to suck it up, my family is too instrusive, and most of her friends are all over the country. I looked over again saw that she wrote "Waiting until we can talk in like 2 more hours". i realized that in 2 hours was when i was gonna be going to bed. That got me curious as to why she needed to wait until i was asleep to talk to him. I snooped watching this unfold over the next 20 minutes. He joked that he had gotten plenty of sleep so they could stay up late talking again, she said she was jealous because she likes sleeping, he then said when they get to be together finally, he would help with that. They started joking about sex. She told him to make sure he had a clear head when he made decisions. She asked me if i wanted to go smoke with her, i did. We went outside, and i confronted her, asking who he was. She told me he is just a friend. I asked why are they talking about "being together" she said we were just joking around. I said you dont tell someone that they need to have a clear head before making decisions when you are talking about being together to just a friend. She got mad at me and stormed off. After a bit i went back inside and asked to see the messages on facebook. She deleted them. Told me nothing was wrong with it. They were just friends. I thought about the previous night. we had gone out with another couple the night before on a double date. When we came home we were going to watch a movie together. But she went to the bedroom and started talking on the phone. I remember she told me it was one of her girlfriends. I was like ok this is going to be a while so i went and started watching some TV. I went back up to the bedroom after a while and heard a guys voice on the other end of the phone, but didnt think anything of it. So i put it together in light of this new info, and asked her. she said she talked to her girlfriend first then to him. I went and looked it up. Turns out all these long phone calls shes been having with her best girl friend from high school, and her other best friend from the military were all to the same exact number. 40 hours worth of phone calls. in less then a month. 200 texts in only the last 6 days. 600 in the 2 weeks prior to that. Finally she admmitted to me that there may have been been some "slightly" innapropriate things being said, but it was never a choice between me and her. She then said we cant talk about this anymore i need to go im too stressed out. She got dressed up and said she was going to "go out" which i know was key for im going to the casino. I tried hysterically bonding with her. It felt really good to be so close to her, then i felt so much shame after. Afterwords, she says i have to go now. She goes to the car and leaves me. I call her after 20 minutes and tell her that i need her to come home so she can be here for my step daughter because i need to leave. She says she will turn right around and come home. 20 minutes more pass. I go and check the bank account realize that she is at the casino and well into spending every last cent we have again. i cant take it anymore i tell her im reporting the bank card lost, and i do. I look over the phone records and realize she called him immediately after she left, then right after my call again. she called him several times more through the night. she finally is home drunk off her ass and yells at me because its my fault. She calms down and says we need to go to marriage counseling for everything for how bad our relationship is that she would find someone. and that this is not even really a problem. I confront her why she called him again when she told me before she left she would NC. she said i was telling him not to call me again. i said that took 5 phone calls and 2 hours worth of talking to say. She says she will not have No contact until counseling. this is at 4 in the morning. I stay home from work yesterday because i cant function. She tells me its all my fault more, and shes too stressed to talk about it. She refuses to talk to me about it until counseling, which she says shes going to setup, but then keeps turning around on me and saying well i know you dont like counseling so i was gonna let you pick the therapist out.

I ask her again for no contact in the morning. She says no. she shouldnt have to. I say you really are going to tell me that you say im the love of your life, there is no choice between me and him, but you will not stop contact with him? she says ok ill do no contact. Im then a sniveling groveling idiot all day with her. i love you like a million times, massage her sore knees and back for at least 6 hours. apologizing to her about all the problems ive caused her. meanwhile she is texting him, any time i got up to do something.

she is up until 3 in the morning drinking. finally after she had to literally crawl to the couch because the room is spinning so bad, i go to bed but just lie there for at least another hour.

She tells me today the phone call right after i left for work today to him was to tell him that they can no longer talk innaporpriately and that she meant to tell me about it. I tell her no contact is no contact. none. She says well i dont want to lose a friend. I said well you made that decision when you started acting innapropriately with him. I still dont know the depths of it. All i know is she deleted all the facebook messages, im sure she deleted the 800 texts exchanged, i havent looked. That they were "slightly" innapropriate. There is no denying it was an EA though. She knows it i can tell. she apologized to me today finally.

I know i really deserve this. after the hell i put her through when i cheated on her. she has told me what i did to her was way worse then what she has done to me. In some ways i guess i agree with her. Im sure there are alot of conflicting feelings about all this from the crowd here. Some probably are cheering even. I hate myself for feeling bad for my wife because i know what she is going through. Then i hate myself for hating myself because i know what she is going through. All i can think about is trying to comfort her. because of all of our other problems. In someways this is the best thing that has ever happened to us though, at least it seems that way to me right now. I never really got over my guilt from my cheating. That burden seems lighter now and in someways heavier. Im trying to justify what she did for myself. I know that i hurt her with the PAs while we were dating, but then i dont think its right to belittle my pain over an EA when we are actually married. Part of me thinkgs its worse because we were married, but thats just justifying. I need to stop im exausted. I really just needed to say it all. to someone.

[This message edited by comesaround at 1:53 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]

Tred posted 10/29/2013 17:10 PM


I'm pretty certain you are welcome here - you are coming to this site as a betrayed spouse. Mods can correct me if I'm wrong, but your pain of origin for coming hers is as a betrayed spouse.

Share your story - first rule on this site is take what you need and leave the rest. Just like any other forum, filter out anything that doesn't apply or offends. I'm sure your story isn't unique, and there is someone with the right perspective that can offer advice. I'd start with the Healing Library - it's the 4th link down in the little yellow box up on the left of the page if you are using the default skin.

Welcome, and I'm sorry that you are here.

ETA (edited to add): We posted at the same time. I'm glad you got your story out.

[This message edited by Tred at 5:14 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]

HereWeGo62 posted 10/29/2013 17:35 PM

So sorry you are here, but we are here to try and help you through this.

First of all, you do not deserve this, nobody does. She made and continues to make the decision to cheat. The A is not your fault, it's all on your WW.

At this time she is not remorseful at all as she continues to lie and contact the OM. As you probably already know she is completely bullshitting with the NC calls. Time to look into the 180 my friend. Until she goes no contact with the OM you should pretty much go NC with her. You cannot nice her back to you, you are going to have to play hardball. Keep your eyes and ears open as they may try and take the A underground. She may get a burner phone and set up a fake FB account. Finally, she needs to unfriendly all of her male FB friends, or better yet, delete her account. Gently here, this is probably not her 1st rodeo and all of those guys are potential OM. I was in the Army for 8 yrs and I do not have any of my army buddies on FB.

I know you are very close to your DSD but I think you should strongly consider putting off the adoption. You could end up paying CS if this really goes bad.

Is the OM married? If so his BW should be told, nothing like a 2nd set of eyes to shine a little light on their party.

Take care of yourself physically and mentally. Buckle your seatbelt, this is going to be a rough ride. Beware of TT and write down what she says, it will be helpful during future discussions. Keep posting, we are all here for you.

Chippednotbroken posted 10/29/2013 17:41 PM

It's sounds like there is so much in your marriage right now. It might really help to back up and just stop for a day or two. She sounds like she has to decide to change some of this for herself and you need to talk to someone to help deal with your own feelings of guilt. We all project so much on our spouses and beat them up because we can. I'm sorry for what is happening.

ok4now posted 10/29/2013 17:42 PM

Hello comes around,

I am going to give you the advice that I wish I took. As well as I am sure a lot of BS do.

You need to hard line do the 180. The info is found in the library.

Right now your WS is cake eating. She has to hit the bottom. The bottom of all of her crap. The drinking, gambling and cheating. Unfortunately you can't really help her until she wants it.

I realize that you have a lot of obstacles but like when my WS was busted. First denial, then it was my fault w/ marital issues etc. it took over a yr till I had enough and was ready to leave, I implemented the 180 and he finally smelled the coffee.

I can tell you that I look at myself after Dday and I was stupid enough to let him goto a concert with customers knowing she would be there. Talk about being in the fog, or just being petrified that my marriage would end etc.

You have a long road ahead of you that you can only get through if she is willing to step up to the plate.

Even though you have a lot guilt about the past that doesn't excuse her behavior now.

Wishing you the best.


[This message edited by ok4now at 5:42 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]

comesaround posted 10/29/2013 18:07 PM

not grovelling is the worst part. it makes me sick, but its also the only way i feel any better

dontknowwhyme posted 10/30/2013 11:05 AM

Respectfully, Why do you grovel?

What do you get out of it? Are you worried that if you don't do that then you will lose her?

painfulpast posted 10/30/2013 11:16 AM

You don't deserve this, and no, what you did is not 'way worse'. Falling in love with another hurts. Spending time on them instead of your own marriage is very damaging. She mentally left the marriage. She cheated, just like you - not worse or less. Cheating is cheating. Don't let her use that as any kind of excuse. Besides, since when do two wrongs make a right?

Your WW needs to go NC, or you need to be ready to walk away. She won't stop until she loses something because of her actions. So far, she's lost nothing, and in fact has gained a loving, scared, groveling husband. Not a bad deal, right?

She needs to see her actions are serious, and that it needs to be addressed. If she can't/won't do that, then what will your next move be?

sinsof thefather posted 10/30/2013 11:22 AM

comesaround I really feel for you because you just have so much going on all at once. Please read the posts above - I agree with all the advice you have already been given. Please take care of yourself and try to act on that advice. Stop grovelling to your wife - you've got to break this cycle. So start by trying to implement the 180 and just concentrating on yourself for a few days. All those problems will still be there - but try to focus on getting yourself stronger so that you are more able to deal with them - and please do keep coming here, people do want to help you if they can.

Josephine01 posted 10/30/2013 11:30 AM

How's it feel?!

We are supposed to either be supportive or at the very least give constructive criticism and that was neither

Simple posted 10/30/2013 16:43 PM

comesaround, you are welcome here. Remember that you are a FORMER WS. That means you've mended your ways. For a BS to turn around and become a WS is on them not on you. That's why in R people in true R always talk about how to work on themselves as individuals and then as couples. Both sides have a lot of work to be done and BOTH sides can cake-eat. Remember that NO ONE deserves to be cheated on, even a current wayward. Mature, self-assured people don't act passive-aggressive or do revenge affairs. Mature, self-assured, good people TALK about their issues and work on themselves.

Hugs your way.

Thefly559 posted 10/30/2013 17:09 PM

I am not sure,I have mixed feelings. I am sorry , I am going ,or went through the same as you, with the just friends bullshit. You need to stop the groveling now. When you cheated did she grovel? When she did , did you feel bad or empowered? I am sorry I believe in karma but you sound sincere and sorry for your actions in the past, that is good . Also I hear pain in your words and I do welcome you here . Do the 180 and nc till she stops her hurtfull actions and abuse! All the best

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