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When did you know it was time to file?

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statistic posted 10/29/2013 12:54 PM

My WH have been separated for over month now. We are in IC/MC, but my WH continues to be defensive, angry, and unpredictable. I am growing tired. I do not love him any less for what he has done, but there is no trust. Part of me feels that I am being pushed to file...given not only the affair, 3 ddadys due to trickle truth, and a WH that continues to be less than 100% supportive and instead is frustrated with the situation and easily angered by me and my questions about the affair. Were you still in love with your spouse when you filed? How did you know it was time? Was it a decision your reached gradually?

nowiknow23 posted 10/29/2013 13:02 PM

((((statistic)))) No advice, as I was done on dday. Just wanted to send you strength and comfort.

marlie2014 posted 10/29/2013 13:30 PM

I can't actually file for a few months (WS is moving out on Friday), but I know that it is time.

I know this because he is not taking steps to make the major, sweeping changes he must make if we would stay together.

I am still in love with him, and he says he is still in love with me. All the same, we both know we can't stay together unless he gets some real help or he'll just cheat again, as he has already done so at least twenty times (and that's not an exaggeration, sadly) and kept it hidden from me until recently.

As the weeks have passed and he's made excuses about why he's not going to a CSAT or IC, I began to slowly, agonizingly lose hope that we would be able to R. I had a few panic attacks. I thought, "How is it possible that two best friends who still love each other and were happy together can still be getting divorced?"

The answer is, if he cannot commit to me 100% and to this marriage by getting the help he needs, then we would be setting ourselves up for failure by staying together knowing that more DDays would be inevitable.

StillLivin posted 10/29/2013 14:17 PM

Yes, I was in love with him the day I filed for legal separation. I will most likely still be in love with him when I change it to reflect D.
I was done when he no longer put me first. I deserve better, and I've earned better from him. I put him and my two DSSs first for over 9 years. I deserved the same. I didn't even get TT. He refused to answer questions about her or the A. He relapsed from NC and was lieing about it. I just decided it was time to love myself more.
If you are just not ready, remain separated, 180, and NC until he either starts making you his number one priority, or when you have finally had enough. Whichever comes first, but start loving yourself best and putting yourself first. Nobody deserves this mierda.

angerisme posted 10/29/2013 14:23 PM

Amen StillLivin!!! There is NO reason to accept less than what we deserve. The problem is when you've been cheated it it made me feel worthless :( was a long road to getting my confidence and self-esteem back to a healthy place...but boy when I did he suddenly became a very small, very irritating SMALL factor in my life!!! Good riddance to all of the lying, manipulating selfish small childish spouses of the world!

kg201 posted 10/29/2013 14:24 PM

About two months after dday. When she was not willing to leave her AP, was beginning to vilify me, and the Maine thing was that I never cared for her during her 9 year cancer battle and wanted her to die. That 9 years was a defining thing for me in our marriage. I may have had issues, but the one thing that I know I did right was care for my wife in her darkest moments. That denial showed me she was so far gone in her fog that filing was the only path left.

Confused1829 posted 10/29/2013 14:25 PM


I'm sorry. It is hard, I was still in love with him the day I filed for separation, divorce and months after. But there are a lot of things in life that we love that are bad for us, it's a process to fall out of love and get the distance and space you need to heal, so be kind to yourself.

For me, I knew it was completely over the 2nd time I caught him cheating. I had caught him on DDay in May, and we were in marriage counseling and he was being an asshat. Totally defensive, mean, still blame shifting, trying to make me feel crazy and out of line. 2 months later I found him with her again. He had never stopped the affair and worse, she practically moved in when I moved out.

At that point, even though I was still in love with him, I just couldn't do it anymore. It was like everything in me was dying and I had to leave him to save myself.

I attribute it to a very ill person. Where they have a disease or something on their arm or another important limb. You want to save your arm. How can you LIVE without your right arm? You can't even picture it. So you're in denial and doing everything you can to save it, but the disease keeps spreading and you're getting sicker and sicker. At a certain point you have to amputate or you'll die. I felt like I was dying and that it while it was so painful to leave, it was more painful to stay. I had to make a choice and save myself.

The good news? Once I made a choice, I could finally begin to heal. The limbo was the hardest part.

Hang in there and we're here for you!

statistic posted 10/29/2013 14:53 PM

Thank you. This is a lonely place to be and having you all respond makes a world of difference. It is particularly helpful to hear from those farther down the road. This is like losing a limb! I can't imagine my life past the moment he is no longer my husband. At the same time, I know I do not deserve this. No one does.
And I see myself growing sicker and sicker each day. Perhaps limbo is the worst part of it all.
He discontinued his affair before I found out about it, but did not respect my request for no contact while I was pregnant with our first. He still kept her as a client. That is a hard pill to swallow. Except I thought it was an EA at worst, only to learn one month ago it was an PA after months of boldface lies. It's as if my brain can only handle small pieces of his indiscretions at a time. I focus on one lie or one moment at a time because the sheer weight and magnitude are too great for me to ingest.

I think I am apprehensive because I am still reeling from the affair, trying to raise our 4 month old, and don't know if I have anything left in the tank for a divorce. Forgiveness and reconciliation after an affair are thoughts and actions beyond my capacity to understand or engage in. He knew that before he cheated. It didn't stop him. Sorry for the vent. I see a long road ahead of me and I'm scared to take the first step.

Charity411 posted 10/29/2013 14:59 PM

I was very in love with my spouse when I filed for separation. I can remember the exact moment I decided to file. I know what I was wearing, what I did that afternoon and the music I listened to. I was miserable with the situation as it was. The feeling of being off balance all the time, or walking on eggshells so as not to make him want her more than me. Or wondering how many others there were or would be. And once the decision was made it was like a huge weight was lifted. Because at least I was going in a direction. Not one of my liking but I came to the conclusion that staying stuck was worse.

Fortunately for me he made it easy for me to absolutely hate him when I filed for divorce. During that separation he kept leading me to believe he wanted to come back, while he was living with her. Then he announced that he wanted to marry her and wanted me to be his mistress. By the time I figured out that for Christmas he bought me, her and yet another woman the same sweater in three colors using my credit card, I was a done as a person can get.

Williesmom posted 10/29/2013 15:24 PM

I knew when the thought of living alone for the rest of my life was more attractive to me than spending one more day living with him.

I spent my 40th birthday alone. I filed 3 days later.

FTG - life got seriously better when I got rid of 200 pounds of ugly weight.

Tripletrouble posted 10/29/2013 15:33 PM

My therapist often asks me "what would that look like?". About 4 months into R he was lying to me, and getting very angry that I wasn't buying his ridiculous pack of lies. In that moment I realized I was done. When trying to see what trusting him would look like, I had nothing. Nothing. No action he could take, no amount of time that could pass. I loved him, I love him still, but he is completely unsafe to me. I actually thought of him as a limb, but one so injured the only option was amputation. I expect I will love him for a long time, but I still feel 100% I made the right choice. Hugs to you, it's a terrible place to be.

surviving1963 posted 10/29/2013 20:45 PM

I knew when I begged and pleaded for WH and OW to stop seeing each other and they refused. Said they will always see each other as "just friends".

I loved him and was SO hurt, but felt like I was left with no other choice. Hardest thing I ever did - filing for divorce.

Sending courage and strength your way. It's hard when you heart tells you one thing....and your head tells you another.

StrongAlone posted 10/29/2013 22:02 PM

(((statistic))) I'm so sorry you are dealing with this and have a 4 month old baby. That is hard.

My moment of decision came today! He introduced our children to his female 'friend' without even telling me he was going to do that. When I got upset with what he had done he said, I knew you'd jump to conclusions regardless of the facts. When I asked for 'the facts', who was she, etc. He just ignored me. And that my friends...means it's time to move on! I feel kind of happy actually with the fact that its finally over!

mandan66 posted 10/29/2013 22:48 PM

I knew it was time when my therapist at the time suggested that maybe it was time for me to get get rid of my 'wishbone' and get a 'backbone'. The X also made it incredibly easy; very light on the remorse. And I wanted a grown-up marriage, and she didn't/couldn't. I knew it was right when I did it, and besides, you can file and cancel later at any time.

hurting2much posted 10/30/2013 05:43 AM

We were in the middle of a traumatic family issue when I found out he was cheating again. I was so emotionally drained I just couldn't "deal" with his crap too. I had no reserves. I knew at that moment, when I discovered his repeat cheating, that he would always put himself, his needs, his wants, first.

sparkysable posted 10/30/2013 11:48 AM

When I did surveillance on him and saw him meeting up with the OW over and over again.

nowiknow23 posted 10/30/2013 16:22 PM

...maybe it was time for me to get get rid of my 'wishbone' and get a 'backbone'.

Your therapist has a way with words, mandan.

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