~~Tao Te Ching
"And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be."
- Sarah McMane
I know this because he is not taking steps to make the major, sweeping changes he must make if we would stay together.
I am still in love with him, and he says he is still in love with me. All the same, we both know we can't stay together unless he gets some real help or he'll just cheat again, as he has already done so at least twenty times (and that's not an exaggeration, sadly) and kept it hidden from me until recently.
As the weeks have passed and he's made excuses about why he's not going to a CSAT or IC, I began to slowly, agonizingly lose hope that we would be able to R. I had a few panic attacks. I thought, "How is it possible that two best friends who still love each other and were happy together can still be getting divorced?"
The answer is, if he cannot commit to me 100% and to this marriage by getting the help he needs, then we would be setting ourselves up for failure by staying together knowing that more DDays would be inevitable.
I'm sorry. It is hard, I was still in love with him the day I filed for separation, divorce and months after. But there are a lot of things in life that we love that are bad for us, it's a process to fall out of love and get the distance and space you need to heal, so be kind to yourself.
For me, I knew it was completely over the 2nd time I caught him cheating. I had caught him on DDay in May, and we were in marriage counseling and he was being an asshat. Totally defensive, mean, still blame shifting, trying to make me feel crazy and out of line. 2 months later I found him with her again. He had never stopped the affair and worse, she practically moved in when I moved out.
At that point, even though I was still in love with him, I just couldn't do it anymore. It was like everything in me was dying and I had to leave him to save myself.
I attribute it to a very ill person. Where they have a disease or something on their arm or another important limb. You want to save your arm. How can you LIVE without your right arm? You can't even picture it. So you're in denial and doing everything you can to save it, but the disease keeps spreading and you're getting sicker and sicker. At a certain point you have to amputate or you'll die. I felt like I was dying and that it while it was so painful to leave, it was more painful to stay. I had to make a choice and save myself.
The good news? Once I made a choice, I could finally begin to heal. The limbo was the hardest part.
Hang in there and we're here for you!
I think I am apprehensive because I am still reeling from the affair, trying to raise our 4 month old, and don't know if I have anything left in the tank for a divorce. Forgiveness and reconciliation after an affair are thoughts and actions beyond my capacity to understand or engage in. He knew that before he cheated. It didn't stop him. Sorry for the vent. I see a long road ahead of me and I'm scared to take the first step.
Fortunately for me he made it easy for me to absolutely hate him when I filed for divorce. During that separation he kept leading me to believe he wanted to come back, while he was living with her. Then he announced that he wanted to marry her and wanted me to be his mistress. By the time I figured out that for Christmas he bought me, her and yet another woman the same sweater in three colors using my credit card, I was a done as a person can get.
I spent my 40th birthday alone. I filed 3 days later.
FTG - life got seriously better when I got rid of 200 pounds of ugly weight.
I loved him and was SO hurt, but felt like I was left with no other choice. Hardest thing I ever did - filing for divorce.
Sending courage and strength your way. It's hard when you heart tells you one thing....and your head tells you another.
My moment of decision came today! He introduced our children to his female 'friend' without even telling me he was going to do that. When I got upset with what he had done he said, I knew you'd jump to conclusions regardless of the facts. When I asked for 'the facts', who was she, etc. He just ignored me. And that my friends...means it's time to move on! I feel kind of happy actually with the fact that its finally over!
...maybe it was time for me to get get rid of my 'wishbone' and get a 'backbone'.
Your therapist has a way with words, mandan.