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Newest Member: MisterBC (45704)

User Topic: Sex, HB, fWW, fWH connection
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I note there are more SI women members then men, also note that there are more BS SI members then WS members.

I read with interest most posts...but am paying attention to those surrounding intimacy and sex.

HB is reported to be almost animalistic in nature...not overly deep but very passionate in nature. It has meaning and is reported to help in the healing process...so it is not "just sex".

HB is NOT a given.

HB appears to me to be more present in post-A relationships where the man was the WS....but not always.

Is there a connection or relationship between the road to healthy intimacy post-DD dependent on if the husband or the wife was the one that committed adultery?

I just get tastes that there are...but never a bite full. KWIM?

We are not with a counselor right now...and I realize this is where OUR answer lies...but, since we are not, I am putting this out to fellow SI members.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 2:36 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Tred
♂ 34086
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HB appears to me to be more present in post-A relationships where the man was the WS.

Not true in my case. I think self selection in reporting might have something to skew the numbers. A lot of the men on here that I've talked to experienced it.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4073 | Registered: Dec 2011
DWBH
♂ 35512
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We went through two "rounds" of HB; after each of the DDay's.

I have bittersweet thoughts and feelings about HB... don't want to threadjack, but I have regrets about it now.

HB is pretty embarrassing to admit to actually. Maybe even more so for a man.

^^^^^^SO TRUE^^^^^^

[This message edited by DWBH at 2:41 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 42 (ThornyRose)
M: 17 years, together 20
2 Daughters: 15 and 13
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
Marathonwaseasy
♀ 40674
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HB is pretty embarrassing to admit to actually. Maybe even more so for a man.
I couldn't believe it happened to me.


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
Marathonwaseasy
♀ 40674
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't beat yourself up dwbh. I'm a real new BS. But I couldn't have stopped the HB that hit a couple of days after dday. We are all doing our best in a difficult situation. We don't need to be hard on ourselves too.


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
AFrayedKnot
♂ 36622
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HB is pretty embarrassing to admit to actually. Maybe even more so for a man.

I disagree with this one for us. I found it freeing. Our relationship was so sexually repressed before Dday.

HB started for us about a week after Dday during a late night conversation where I laid out everything I has suppressed for years. If you are going to be someone else's f toy then I am going to get mine. I like this this and this. We are going to do this this and this. No more of this this and this. And we are going to like it

The A's are what were embarrassing. They destroyed my self esteem so bad I had nothing left to lose.

My opening up to the intimacy of expressing my wants and needs opened us up to the intimacy in so many other areas. No more holding anything back.


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2668 | Registered: Aug 2012
ladies_first
♀ 24643
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there a connection or relationship between the road to healthy intimacy post-DD dependent on if the husband or the wife was the one that committed adultery?

Look at the perception of sex before the A. If it was "great" (pleasurable) before the A, it's more likely to be comforting (pleasurable) after, i.e. HB.

If one or both view sex as a chore, or if one or both fail to see value in the 'Love Language' of Physical Touch, then sex may be perceived as painful.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Markone
♂ 30291
Member # 30291
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While the HB was intense (and short-lived), in retrospect it was more about "winning" her back for me.

I even got satisfaction knowing she was now "cheating" on OM.


DD 11/28/10
Me (BH)
Her (WS)
Separated and filed (7/13)

Posts: 413 | Registered: Dec 2010
20WrongsVs1
♀ 39000
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This reminds me of the expression, "The plural of anecdote is not data." If anything, I''d hypothesize that HB is even more common when the wayward is a W. At the risk of gender stereotyping, when spouses are angry or distressed, I''d say the H is more willing to, umm, work it out between the sheets. While the W would be more likely to want to talk about it, and might not be as interested in sex until the issue is resolved. JMO, YMMV.

Also due to the nature of how society views affairs, I think BHs are more likely (temporarily, in the immediate aftermath...or longer if they don''t find SI) to accept their WW''s bullshit lines about "I cheated because you didn''t love me enough, you were an asshole," etc.

My BH bought that at first (sorry babe, turns out I was the asshole), and was very enthusiastic about "taking me back" so to speak. Showing me what a good H he was.

ETA: fixed my image tags. And BTW, SImplicity turns my apostrophes into quotes when I edit.

[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 3:35 PM, October 29th, 2013 (Tuesday)]


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1252 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Skan
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too, found it quite freeing. I would say that there were almost two rounds of HB for me. The first round was when I was, quite literally, marking my terratory. I went after FWH with a lasor-like focus to prove to him that I was MUCH better than ANYONE he had ever THOUGHT of betraying me with. That round was focused on him. Round two was when I got mad. When I got mad, I essentially told him that his job was to please me and I was "quite" explicit about telling him what I did and didn't like no matter what else was going on. I pretty much used him as my personal f-toy. And it was damned goood!

But i digress.

For me, HB led to a liberation. I figured I had no reason to wait on doing anything that I wanted, so i did.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5072 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ 40769
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with chicho and skan.
I went through phases with HB- anything from animalistic, to incredible connections, to being selfish because I never was, to tryin to reclaim what I felt was mine... On and on.
But ultimately- for us- it was freeing. The open honesty in all other aspects definitely opened the door for honesty about our physicality. We always had a "good" physical relationship- great even. But now, it's just different. More open, more honest- and I feel we both need the reassurance that we are great at it together. Often, it is the one thing that can bring us closer if we are struggling with something else. It often leads to many of our most productive conversations.
And I this whole roller coaster ride- I will take all of the happy happy joy joy I can get right now.

[This message edited by Wondertwin at 4:00 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
still-living
♂ 30434
Member # 30434
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not sure what to make of it, but we had HB that lasted for one year (every day plus), and then it started tapering faster than I wanted. I have always been physically attracted to my wife.


BH(me)47
WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14
Recovery is constructing a pyramid of inference from which to see clearer.
The process involves using the reflexive loop.

Posts: 796 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there a connection or relationship between the road to healthy intimacy post-DD dependent on if the husband or the wife was the one that committed adultery?

I really like this: "The plural of anecdote is not data." First time I've seen it.

I don't think we have enough data to draw any meaningful conclusions on that question. Besides, I think there are too many variables - values going in, WS remorse, access to professional support (secular, religious), economic security, access to insurance, pre-A issues, etc., etc., etc.

I don't remember the context, but IIRC Shirley Glass says 80% of the people in her sample who started off wanting R actually did R.

That, plus a comment from our MC, makes me think the 2 most significant predictors of M outcomes are 1) desire to R, and 2) willingness to do the work.

I don't know if we went through HB, and my opinion may differ from my W's. I don't think we did, but I can guarantee that my W's remorse (which for me implies willingness to work for R) was the reason I chose R. Sex is great, but not great enough to overcome my dislike for betraying myself. I think.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10570 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay...it appears I wanted to chase a rabbit that is not worth chasing.

Sorry for the waste of posting space.

I guess HB is like other things in life a person DOESN'T have...they think they would be better if they had it. Like a guy who has an office job thinks the guy working outdoors every day is the "lucky" one.

Perhaps it was me just trying to figure out why we are not further along then we are....a vane experience to be sure.

I did this with the nature of my wifes affair too. First I thought if it had ONLY stayed an EA this would be easier. Then I thought if ONLY she just gave him a blow job this would be easier. Then I thought if only they had used condoms this would be easier.....

I see my pattern. I think I am maturing, growing...and then I see myself repeating the same follish pattern.

Another foolish pattern is engaging my wife defensively....doesn't matter who starts it first...we wind up sounding like adversarial attorneys rather then spouses who actually give a shit for each other.

HB sex is a moot point when it comes to true R....I see that clearly with the varied responses to this post.

While their is nothing unique about adultery...nothing special...I do find it interesting how the path to recovery appears to be very spouse-dependent. And, in that regards at least, adultery being welcomed into a marriage is uniquely unique.

God help us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks to all who chimed in.

Still-living...I enjoyed reading your profile...thanks for your lengthy description.

Sisoon....wish you were my personal counselor!


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
ladies_first
♀ 24643
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No disrespect intended...

First I thought if it had ONLY stayed an EA this would be easier. Then I thought if ONLY she just gave him a blow job this would be easier. Then I thought if only they had used condoms this would be easier.....

You're just eating the shit sandwich on bite at a time ... because it's all that you can stomach/accept. One bite at time.

Healing one blow at a time.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep...you are right ladies-first.

I think my disappointment with me posting this is that I THOUGHT I was up to swallowing the whole damn meal at once....me posting this just points out that I am still in pain, still needing to "expand my stomach".....this entire experience is a LOT to stomach!

I thought I had moved past the "this would be easier if..." stage. Funny....I should have recognized the surroundings before deciding to post this lame post...I spent so much time and energy here before.......

I do think I am healing...even if it is one blow at a time (bad choice of words ladies-first OR humor that resonates with me, if it was intentionally tied to the theme of this post!)...I am still healing.

God help us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:10 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
ladies_first
♀ 24643
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I noticed about 3 months ago I transitioned from books about infidelity and adultery into books that deal with my issues....boundaries, abandonment, sex and intimacy....I look back now and see it is tied to about the time I got to forgiveness with my wife.

Boundaries, abandonment, sex and intimacy ... you know where the residual pain lies.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
JustDesserts
♂ 39665
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No need to apologize, Blake. This has been a good illuminating read and I wish you comfort.

I was out of town on business when my wife texted and told me she knew everything (xAP's betrayed H had called her). I called immediately. She told me to go to our vacation home. I said I wanted to come home to her. She said "really?". I said yes. Drove home. And after kids put to bed we started HB-ing that night. We both wanted R. She's my soulmate. I'm hers. HB was a few months. And R has had hiccups, of course - most of my doing. I can be such a doofus...


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
heartbroken0903
♀ 27879
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was the WW. After D-day, we had HB for two weeks until I moved out and the divorce was filed.

When we got back together in April of 2012, we had no HB (and in fact not much sex to speak of at all; maybe once a week to once every couple of weeks since then).


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

We remarried in 2014.


Posts: 2315 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
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