"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Reegz posted 10/29/2013 15:12 PM

Hi, it's been a while since I've posted anything and I'm sorry I haven't been here to support people the way I was supported when I found out about my WW affair. I apologize.

Things have been going fairly well, until yesterday. MC is going well as is IC (for me), although she needs it as well, but our insurance won't allow one person to see multiple counselors at a time.

We woke up early that morning and I decided to have wake her up well. After 20 minutes or so, we enjoyed the intimacy. Clearly she did, after multiple orgasms, she began growing louder and louder. This was at approximately 6am. We live in an apartment, with our kids in the next room and neighbors above and below us.

After her fourth orgasm, she screamed so loud that our upstairs neighbors hit the floor five times in a row. At that point, we continued but without realizing it, I found myself shushing her. On the third shush, I was told "WHY ARE YOU SHUSHING ME?!?!"

I replied: "I don't want to bother the neighbors", in a meek and timid voice. She replied - "Fuck the neighbors! They are always making noise! They could have been just making noise like they always are. You care more about how they feel than you do about me. Thanks."

I thought about it and she was right, to an extent. The neighbors could care less, but she was VERY, VERY loud at 6am on a weekday.

After a few minutes past, I apologized and found my WS in the shower crying. I apologized and she said "It's just par for the course. You're always stifling my feelings." At this point, I went into our other bathroom and started to cry. I never want to supress how she or anyone else feels or expresses themselves.

We haven't been intimate since and this was after a difficult weekend which lacked intimacy, affection and sex - she was recovering from oral surgery and I was in charge of the kids and household for the weekend.

She responded positively to texts and turned it around. We began sexting each other. Eventually the day got the best of us and it fizzled out.
When she got home - very late - I was exhausted, as was she. Our two year old would not go to bed and so she fell asleep at 11, while I tended to the two year old until 12:30.

What bothers me is that last night, I told her that I loved her. She simply nodded her head and said "I know." Today I asked her "Do you love me?" She responded "why are you asking me this now?" Granted, I called her at work but it still worried me. After a non-response, she replied "Yes, of course I love you." But quite begrudgingly.

Did I screw up somehow? Any suggestions on how to go forward. Our weekly "state of the relationship" discussion should take place tonight and I'm a bit anxious about it.

Am I going crazy? It's been a little over 2 months since D-Day and there have been ups and downs but I literally am not feeling the love. I can't explain it. I'm overcome with emotion right now and feel the final death of the relationship coming.

We don't have MC until November 8th. While I feel we could use him ASAP, eventually we have to learn to deal on our own.

Any suggestions on what to do? How to act? Should I start following the 180 HARD?

heartache101 posted 10/29/2013 15:17 PM

Well honestly I was always quieter when kids and people are around. Just me..
Is this how she has always been?? Is this something different? Maybe next time turn the TV on loudly!
Sit down and talk to her. IF this continues you both need to go into counseling. I mean really she is the WS and you are the BH and she has you begging for attention sorry that is a no no.. IMO! She should be thanking her lucky stars that you are willing to accept her past and move forward..

OldCow18 posted 10/29/2013 15:18 PM

I don't think you screwed up AT ALL. I'm not even understanding why SHE is being so emotional.

And if she's that loud, she should be shushed! Kids in the next room and neighbors banging on the floor? And you give her multiple orgasms and she's going to COMPLAIN? Whatevs.

Reegz posted 10/29/2013 15:36 PM

heartache101 - she has always been emotionally needy and demanding. she feels that I am passionless.

FYI, we already ARE in MC and this will certainly be a topic of discussion for our next session if it isn't ironed out by November 8th.

Our marriage was in trouble BEFORE the DDay. The affair is 100% her fault. The marriage is 50/50. I just get the feeling that she is done.

We have a ton of stress on us right now. I lost my job in early July and we've fallen far behind on bills. I'm considering bankruptcy. She is upset that we don't live in or own a home after five years of marriage. We're holding on to this marriage by a thread.

@oldcow18 - I agree and I'm angry at myself for feeling like I'm somehow at fault. Most women would let it go, but she takes it as a rejection and ties it into the greater scheme of our relationship instead of just looking at this incident and letting it go.

Maybe I need to let her go. But I love her and love my family and want to give it my all to stay together.

rachelc posted 10/29/2013 15:38 PM

you lost me at four orgasms...

sorry, I guess I have nothing constructive to add... I thought you did right.

[This message edited by rachelc at 3:39 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]

Reegz posted 10/29/2013 15:43 PM

@rachelc - She is highly orgasmic. Four is actually on the low end. Part of the reason why she was upset because she wasn't DONE.

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 10/29/2013 15:44 PM

This definitely needs to be discussed- as you already know.
IMO- this is one if those situations were what actually happened is NOT the actual issue.
A discussion about the actual boundaries that need to be in place when you are intimate. Not for you guys, but for the people around you. Is she okay with having your kids and neighbors hear? Are you? That definitely needs to be established first and foremost. My WH and I are very cognizant of our surroundings. When the kids are at sleepovers, when we are in a hotel room- these are times when we do not stifle. And we plan them- "yay we get to be loud tonight." Or beforehand- "okay it's gotta be on the down low- kids are sleeping."
That's the logical discussion.
The REAL issue is her feeling of being "stifled" by you. In what othe ways does she feel this? Can you guys talk about when she feels that way and how she would like you to respond?
R is a difficult process and emotions run high- I don't know how in going to react to situations that I would have been fine with three months ago.
You were not in the wrong for shushing her- but in the spirit of R, a discussion about how to deal with this next time needs to be had- NOT a discussion about who was right this morning.
It sounds like you are having a tough time and im so sorry for that. Talking honestly to her about it is the only smart way to go. Please watch that you don't stifle your own feelings for the sake if not stifling Hers. You are not the WS and you do have a leg to stand on here.
It sounds like you guys are struggling the way my WH and I were- layoff, no family home, etc. he as the one who cheated- he couldn't deal with the insecurities. Please don't let that be the reason you feel bad about this. Every M goes through tough times- that whole "better or worse" part of the vows comes to mind. But I understand about the stress it can place on the whole M.
I wish you the best.

Um.... And kudos on the 4 Os for crying out loud. No pun intended. :)

[This message edited by Wondertwin at 3:48 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]

vivere posted 10/29/2013 15:47 PM

On the surface I would say she is overreacting to your 'shush' however...

"It's just par for the course. You're always stifling my feelings."

^^This needs to be explored more in your MC session. Sounds like something she is building resentment over perhaps?

Reegz posted 10/29/2013 16:07 PM

@Wondertwin - I'm doing my best and apparently giving a woman FOUR screaming, squirting orgasms isn't enough. To say we are struggling is a huge understatement. Of course if I were to win a PowerBall Lottery, our situation changes, but not without a postnup agreement. We have alot to discuss tonight. I'm very anxious about it but I'm sure I'll feel better once we talk about it. Thank you for your well wishes. Your story runs some parallels to mine. You've been through quite a lot as well. I don't think my wife could deal with the financial hardships the way you have. Kudos to you!

@vivere - you're correct. We'll discuss tonight during our "state of the relationship" weekly meeting. If it's not satisfied, or even if it is, it will get talked about in MC.

ladies_first posted 10/29/2013 16:16 PM

Communication is key.

I'm angry at myself for feeling like I'm somehow at fault.

Have you apologized for shush-ing her?

"You're always stifling my feelings."

Have you taken non-work time with her to explore this feeling?

I literally am not feeling the love.

Have you recently explained -- calmly and face-to-face -- what you need to feel loved? More sex? Daily words of affirmation while you face a tough job market?

I'm overcome with emotion right now and feel the final death of the relationship coming.

Please don't awfulize.

SisterMilkshake posted 10/29/2013 16:51 PM

I replied: "I don't want to bother the neighbors", in a meek and timid voice

Having the neighbors pound on the floor to quiet us would have totally dampened FWH's uuummmm........errrr......stamina? How about you, Reegz? You are almost 20 years younger, so maybe you have more lead in your pencil. I can be very loud, also. It can be controlled. I make good use of a pillow sometimes. My point is, I know I can make my FWH uncomfortable if the DS is home. Out of respect to him, I control myself more when DS is home. Who's feelings are more important? Hers aren't more important than yours, Reegz.

BTW, you are only 2 months out from d-day and your WW has got this all twisted around on you? Fuck that shit!

you give her multiple orgasms and she's going to COMPLAIN? Whatevs.

First, you offer her the gift of reconciliation. Second, 4 orgasms in a row! Third, begrudgingly telling you she loves you? WTF!!!!!! She should be bending over backwards to please you and reassure you. Her sense of entitlement is disgusting to me. Fucking "stifling her feelings". Is she pissed off you stifled her feelings about the OM?

Yes, you definitely need to talk about this. However, I don't feel you owe her any kind of apology. You were uncomfortable, she should respect your feelings. It wasn't the neighbors feelings, it was yours!

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 4:53 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]

Aubrie posted 10/29/2013 17:13 PM

FWW here.

"WHY ARE YOU SHUSHING ME?!?!"

Uhhhh, does she need you to draw a freakin' map?

Fuck the neighbors! They are always making noise!

I can see what she means to a degree. We were neighbors with a wannabe porn star couple. Every. Single. Night. I wanted revenge on those circus freaks so bad. But lets something else into consideration. The children. I don't really care how natural sex is, or if the children are 2 or 20. Be discreet woman. You can scream like a banshee when the kids are at a sleepover or something.

Part of the reason why she was upset because she wasn't DONE.

Poor wee lamb. She got off four times which is 3 times more than most people and she wants to pitch a fit? I don't like being "robbed" anymore than anyone else, but her dramatics are uncalled for.

"It's just par for the course. You're always stifling my feelings."

Get to the bottom of this. She needs to have legit reasons. Not blame shift crap that makes everything your fault. Make sure this isn't a manipulation tactic.

After a non-response, she replied "Yes, of course I love you." But quite begrudgingly.

I dunno about anyone else, but at 2 months from Dday, I was tripping over myself, making sure my husband knew in every way possible that I loved him. I said it, I showed it. He never had to ask if I loved him. Whatever he wanted, he got, and then some.

Her sense of entitlement is disgusting

Entitlement and resentment are deadly things.

Tread carefully Reegz.

topperoff22 posted 10/29/2013 19:35 PM

you lost me at four orgasms...

I am there. Wow...you give her four orgasms each time? Just...wow...I...um..wow....can you give my WH lessons?

Oh...sorry...seriously....I do understand you shushing her so I think she is over reacting. And I don't understand why she wouldn't say she loved you. ETA: I believe the others,and your own, suggestion about talking it over are great. I hope it goes well. I'm sorry for the above joke...just wanted to lighten the mood a little...even though it's really not a light subject at all.

[This message edited by topperoff22 at 9:44 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]

Kalliopeia posted 10/29/2013 20:14 PM

I don't have any sympathy for her.

She is ignoring everyone's boundries, yours, the kids, the neighbors and she is acting like she is the only one who is mattering.

The next time she is screeching after 4 orgasms, stick a fork in her and tell her that she is DONE.

brkn_heartd posted 10/29/2013 20:24 PM

Reegz,
I hope the conversation goes well tonight. I also concur you did nothing wrong. With children in the vicinity it was appropriate.

To me, she sounds like she is manipulating you. Especially when she turned this to be about you failing to meet her needs. She led you on knowing you would be bothered by not saying I love you and by withdrawing from you. Not sure what she is trying to prove, but there is something there. I agree is also needs to be explored in MC.

If tonight's conversation doesn't help iron out the issues, I would recommend the 180. You have given her the gift of R...she is jeopardizing it with her behavior.

Hugs to you.

foundoutlater posted 10/29/2013 20:26 PM

So you are supposed to stuff your feelings so you don’t stifle hers? IDK but I don’t see a partnership trying to meet in the middle.

blakesteele posted 10/29/2013 20:41 PM

Two things....

First, I like the idea of discussing what is expected ahead of time...ie, no screaming due to kids or use a pillow if you need to be loud. Failure to explain expectations can easily lead to resentment.

Second, you are only 2 months out.....gently....Fuck her reaction of crying. I say that with kindness. I was way too kind and understanding after my DD. It cost me my self respect and bought my wife time to take her EA to a PA while in weekly MC sessions with scattered IC sessions ....I enabled her to continue to inflict pain on me and further damage our family. This will be a long standing regret....I use my actions then to conquer my FOO issues now so as to never return to that spot again. I pray our daughters operate from a more healthy standpoint in their future marriage should they find themselves in the role of a BS. Of course, I pray they avoid this life-event all together.

I am projecting here quite a bit...but your wifes abnormally strong reaction to your sshhhing her may be tied to your controlling nature (as she suggests) but it could also be a deflection of sorts...to push herself back from her own pain and place the source of the pain temporarily onto your shoulders. I see very few WS who have strong remorse just 2 months out.....see even fewer of those that are women. My gut tells me women that cheat have a stronger bond to their AP then men do....is harder to break. Her outburst may be a way to distance herself from working on herself....and focusing her attention more towards....It is my husbands fault....sort of thinking.

I believe conflict avoiding is a character trait of many WS....what better way to avoid the strong internal conflict inside oneself then by focusing on anyone else.

My two cents.

God be with you both.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:50 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]

mchercheur posted 10/29/2013 20:56 PM

She is ignoring everyone's boundries, yours, the kids, the neighbors and she is acting like she is the only one who is mattering

Agree. And she should be putting you & the kids first right now.
You are walking on eggshells.
I also walked on eggshells after Dday.
(Not that I was afraid WH would leave---that never entered my mind because he never intended to leave---I just didn't know if I wanted him back after he did such a horrific thing.)
But I see now that I walked on eggshells, & still do sometimes, because deep down
I am afraid that he went outside of the marriage because I am unlovable(there is something intrinsically wrong with me.)
I can tell you, Reegz, that it is not your fault, anything you did (including job problems, etc.), that caused your WW to cheat on you---because just by reading your thread I sense that you are a good person, a good husband, a good father. It is not easy to really believe this about ourselves tho.
It really had nothing to do with you. It is because she is selfish.

I think you need to start the 180. Stop worrying so much if she is going to leave, & start thinking about if you want to stay with someone who would treat you that way after you gave her the pleasure of 4 orgasms.

summerain posted 10/30/2013 07:13 AM

found my WS in the shower crying

I actually snorted when I read this. Really>? Okay, well she should get over it.

She sounds like she has a superiority complex, doesn't matter about the neighbours at SIX AM or the kids or you.

It's just not respectful.

The begrudging etc well it's not very nice is it. Waywards are supposed to be nice and respectful and sensitive to your feelings. She's not.

I lost my job in early July and we've fallen far behind on bills. I'm considering bankruptcy.

In terms of bankruptcy this is not too much I can comment on except that I hope you've looked into consolidating your debts or transferring bills onto a interest free 6 month credit card. See if you can get someone to co-sign on this, such as a relative.

Also working at a bar etc is not beneath you. I, like you was in a very precarious situation last year and worked at a bar and a telemarketing company (I was only thinking about this earlier ughhh) but as of 28/10/13! I have $500 to pay off next pay cycle and I am free!

Look into churches as well they have some great schemes and ofcourse social welfare. There are also some charity legal aid (not official) ones out there and I found it (not very) useful in my situation but I do know that a few people there had appointments for bankruptcy and they were 'saved' by the lawyers giving them template responses.

By the way if it is big telephone companies, if you escalate on them repeatedly you can generally get them to suspend the bills for a couple of months before a payment plan is instigated (did this as well).

If you don't have a house or any other big ticket loans. There seems to be always a way.
Granted this advice is based in Australia so I am not too sure how much this applies for you.

Also I am not into personally (but I do not judge) public begging but I have a few friends who cannot afford vet bill sell something in return for money (example music).

Either way your wife needs to get with the program. Would claiming bankruptcy impact her, could this stem from some of her over-emotional reactions?
Also I've heard it is nowhere near as bad in the US to claim bankruptcy??

Blobette posted 10/30/2013 07:28 AM

Wow. It's all about her, isn't it? My first thought on reading this was "what a rude, self-centered bitch!" This isn't about suppressing her feelings, this is about basic courtesy when you live in a shared environment. Is it OK to play rap at top volume at 2am because you "feel like it"? Hell, no. And the thought of the kids hearing their mom screaming from sex... oh, GROSS! ICK! *shudder*

The big question is, why are YOU comforting HER? Why are YOU worried about HER feelings? Poor dear, she cheated! Yup -- that makes sense!

Yes, 180 time. She's supposed to be winning YOU back, not vice versa. And you have to think about why you're enabling this drama queeen.

Sorry -- I know that's pretty harsh and not a gentle 2x4 at all. I have to work on the "gentle" part...

[This message edited by Blobette at 7:30 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)]