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Whole life turned upside down, how to cope?

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Hurtm posted 10/29/2013 15:44 PM

Just needed insights, advice and maybe hugs.

Here's my story. Less than two weeks ago, on my birthday, I cam home early from work and WS's car was in the driveway. It was unusual but he has a flexible schedule.

I went inside and thought maybe he was napping. So I went up to the bedroom and found him half dressed and sweating and dishelved. I asked him what was up, and then heard a noise from our ensuite, which had the door closed.

I asked him if he was alone and he said no. My knees buckled and I ran downstairs.

OW left and we talked and he explained that it had been going on for almost a year. I told him to get out.

Called my BFF and she came over with another friend. Also called my parents bawling.

I decided that I would try to forgive him as I love him and we have two little kids. We had lots of long talks, cuddles and even HB. He basically said he'd cheated because it allowed him to stay in the marriage instead of leaving. He had spent too many years taking care of me and didn't feel that 'spark' anymore.

I have suffered from PPD and other issues and he said he got tired of taking care of me as a 'patient'.

We agreed to go to MC, which I'd been pushing for before the A. We go to one session and he pledges that he'll do whatever it takes to stay with me.

Fast forward a week after DDay and he tells me he's worried that if we aren't sexually compatible anymore, he's afraid he'll do this again. I ask him if he needs time to think and he says yes and packs a bag and goes to a hotel.

He comes home the next morning to take our kids to school/daycare and tells me that he's not in love with me anymore and that the marriage is over.

I know we weren't perfect and had stopped really trying with each other but I was willing to fight.

I've gone from an almost 10 year marriage to a a request for divorce in less than 2 weeks. I'm reeling.

And worried that i'll be alone forever.

Swims posted 10/29/2013 15:57 PM

((hurtm)) what he is doing is called blame shifting....his moral conscience is disagreeing with his actions and he has to find a way to justify his behavior, and that means he has to blame you. You are in NO WAY responsible for a choice to have an affair. And his blah, blah blah is just a wayward justification. Didn't you both promise "for better or for worse"... Take care of yourself, eat, drink water, exercise, get your children out for fun outings. And honey, be strong, because whatever the outcome, you are a good person with beautiful children and you will never be alone in that respect. ((hugs))

still-living posted 10/29/2013 16:29 PM

A summary of what I've learned through the years, and believe,

1) It's not about you. It's not even about the AP. It's totally about your WS's problems resulting from his/her personality.

2) Your AP's personality was developed at an early age. Personalities can change but change requires experiencing a traumatic event. You need to make this a traumatic event. This is a serious event.

3) You must change. Your WS placed a fork in the road. Your choice is wisdom and piece or shelter and pain.

Rainbows posted 10/29/2013 16:35 PM


I'm so sorry to read your story, but you came to the right place. I wanted to let you know you are not alone. There are a lot of wonderful people here who are far wiser than me and will give you great advice.

Please try to take care of yourself right now. Eat, stay hydrated and read the Healing Library. You are going through a major trauma and are probably still in shock.

Sending you hugs and light.

cluless posted 10/29/2013 16:35 PM

Welcome to club that nobody wants to be a member of. It sounds to me like he is in total denial. My WH blamed me too at first, that is a look into their heads, their justification so that their morals don't get in the way of a good f*ck.

Know this, your WH is in a FOG. Read in the Healing Library and other places and it will help you understand what is going on right now. As far as you are concerned, YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. This is HIS issue and he will either take responsibility and try to save your marriage or he will run like the coward that a lot of cheaters are.

I know it's difficult, but you HAVE to take care of yourself for your children's sakes. Believe me they will internalize the chaos in the house as being their fault, then you'll have behavior issues as well as a immature/ selfish WH.

As far as coping is concern, it's a roller coaster ride. You will have better days, then really BAD days. If you find yourself slipping into the abyss, please go to your doctor an consider anti-depressants (they have helped me) although I'm going into week 10 and I'm still reeling.

Be sure you have somebody that isn't going to bad mouth him but give you constructive advice. Yes it's great to call him a loser and want to punch him, but it's NOT going to help your situation. I also suggest beating the shit out of a pillow, no the pillow didn't do anything, but it does help. If you need a "space" that is free of him, then you need to utilize that.

What does he say about the OW? Did he say he was in love with her or it was strictly physical? I'm sorry, my husband decided to have an affair when I was facing yet another surgery, guess he was impatient for his needs to be met so he went outside the marriage and couldn't wait to f*ck her. I know how devastating this is, how it shakes your very foundation. You've come to the right place, these people in here "get it" and will help you.


Hurtm posted 10/30/2013 07:50 AM

Thanks everyone.

Cluless, he hasn't really said much about her. He said he cared about her. She's married too but no kids.

There is no chance of R, he's determined that it's over.

I'm on anti-D's but they haven't taken effect yet.

painfulpast posted 10/30/2013 08:24 AM


I'm so sorry for the pain you're feeling. Your H is crashing and he's absolutely blaming you and your marriage. You did nothing wrong, and that stuff about you being a 'patient' is just another way for him to make this about something other than him and his issues.

I'm sorry you had such a horrible birthday, and I'm sorry that your H is behaving in such a hurtful manner. It might feel like he's become someone you don't know, and I'm sure you're scared of what the future may bring. That's all very normal.

But please, please, please, do NOT ask him to come home. Do not ask him for anything other than child support. Read the 180, and do that. It's for you, not him. It's a way to begin moving through your life. It's a way to practice your new life. It's turned a great many WSs around, but it is absolutely for you.

Your doctor has give you ADs. These do take some time to kick in. Can they give you anti-anxiety meds in the meantime? They are fast acting and can help a great deal when the emotions begin flairing.

You said the OW is married. Have you told her spouse yet? He does deserve to know, and if he had been the one to walk in on them, wouldn't you want him to let you know? He's living a huge lie right now.

Keep posting here for support. The members are from around the globe, so there is almost always someone here. Lean on friends and family for support. Keep reminding yourself that this is NOT about you. You did nothing wrong. Your H chose a very unhealthy and hurtful way to deal with his internal struggles, and that is HIS issue, not yours.

And please, please, please, take care of YOU. Sleep, drink water, and try to eat. If you can't, then please get some ensure or other nutrition shake. You need strength and energy now more than ever.

I'm so sorry, again. You will get through this, and you will be the one that can hold your head high and know that you have integrity and values.

Hurtm posted 10/30/2013 08:29 AM

I don't actually know who the OW is, I don't know her name or any details so i can't tell her husband.

painfulpast posted 10/30/2013 08:36 AM

Oh, so he's still 'protecting' her? Or have you not asked?

It's ok - you really have so many other things going on. Your focus needs to be you and your kids.

You're very strong you know. Just to be here, and coping. You've been dealt a horrible hand right now, and you're keeping it together. Yes, very strong. You are really a wonderful role model for your kids, and an inspiration for others in your situation. It's so, so difficult and painful, and it's easy to want to fall apart. You're doing wonderful.


Hurtm posted 10/30/2013 08:41 AM

Truthfully, I never asked. Her marriage and her issues are hers and when i though we'd try to R, i just didn't need to know.

I'm just not sure how I lost my whole world and foundation in the span of 2 weeks.

MJane posted 10/30/2013 09:01 AM

Hi there - wanted to send hugs to you and tell you that what everyone says about him needing to blame you as he can't face up to his demons is so true. my H started the affair when I was heavily pregnant and unable to have sex for several months and post baby delivery op. When I first learned of the A I did let myself think about how I hadn't met his sexual needs in that period and then I came to reality and wished up - in a M there will be times of illness or other troubles - more than anything the promise is about love, respect and trust. It is never a solution to search for something outside the M while still in it - the options are trying to fix things while in it or leaving - everything else is cowardice. You have lots of people here that will try and support you throu this awful time. You are not alone and you should use this to vent and ask anything you need to ask. As someone here just a few weeks I am so grateful for the insights and support. Many people have been where we are and are out the other side - whether D or R - and have such helpful perspectives. My little son makes this all bearable at the moment (he s around the age of your youngest) - whatever else happens you have yourself and your lovely kids and a future ahead of you when this pain will dull away eventually!

No12turn2 posted 10/30/2013 09:10 AM

I'm newly wounded as well and it sucks. The first month was really hard on me and the second has been a challenge because I keep giving in. I'm starting to see the path ahead of me now and I have accepted that she may not be on that path. Breaks my heart, but we can't force them to feel the same way we do right now. Might not ever happen.

Stay strong and post here often. This place is a life saver!

painfulpast posted 10/30/2013 09:13 AM

I'm just not sure how I lost my whole world and foundation in the span of 2 weeks.

Oh, (((((hugs)))))

You didn't, it just feels that way. You have your entire extended family. You have your children. You have your friends, your home, your health. You have everything you had, and now you also have the truth. It hurts like hell, and it feels like your entire world is spinning and won't stop, and at each turn is a new thought, a new discovery, a new hurt. That will stop. The immense pain will ease. The spinning does slow down, and then eventually it stops.

There may be times when you will wish you didn't know, when you will wish you didn't go home early, and that everything is as it was because you had your sanity and you were happy, but know that these moments pass, and knowing the truth about the most important relationship in your life is really for the best.

How are the interactions with your H? Do you talk daily? Is he coming over to see the kids? Is he saying he's sorry but he just needs to be alone, or is he being cold and hurtful?

What is your day to day like, and what is the marriage like right now?

Bamzor posted 10/30/2013 09:56 AM

Her husband needs to know. Its a way of making her hurt, too! But more importantly if her husband doesn't know it's easier for them to hook up again. For starters, just look at your phone bill, there will be texts, pics from sexting..if this has been going on for a year. Check the computer...and esp his phone. This will get you her name.

[This message edited by Bamzor at 9:57 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)]

Hurtm posted 10/30/2013 10:51 AM

Interactions with him are emotional and tense. We're trying to just keep it about the kids.

He's seeing the kids a few days a week, at night. He's staying in a hotel so he doesn't have anywhere to take them yet.

He's being pretty cold. There is no change of R, he's done. There is no marriage anymore, just on paper.

We just need to get the ball rolling and figure out logistics.

So sad.

painfulpast posted 10/30/2013 10:58 AM


two suggestions. First, 180

This is for you, not him. This will help you detach and start to feel better.

Second, talk to an attorney as soon as possible. You don't have to file or do anything else, but you do need to protect yourself legally. A lawyer can help you see all of the possibilities that your H could do to negatively affect you, and can also make suggestions about protection. Again, this isn't so much about filing for D as it is protection against a person that is not at all acting in what would be a 'normal' manner for them.

Please read the 180, and begin implementing those principles. It has turned many a WS around, but that is not what it's about. It's about you feeling more in control of your own life, and feeling better about yourself.

Whatdoido333 posted 10/30/2013 11:01 AM

Hurtm. ...don't have much advice to give as I'm not doing such a great job with my situation...

just know that you are not alone and we are here for you....


Hurtm posted 10/30/2013 11:04 AM

I'm seeing a lawyer this Friday and I've already spoken to her on the phone.

I'll do some reading on the 180.

Crushed1 posted 10/30/2013 11:09 AM

Hugs (((Hurtm))), I am sorry for your pain, what a horrible way to find out about your H.

Your H may just be in panic mode right now and saying all sorts of crap to you. But in case he's serious about divorce, you should check in with an attorney and find out what you and your little children's rights are.

I would definitely find out who the OW is and TELL HER HUSBAND! He's been betrayed too and he has a right to know what she's doing! Her husband and you need to get STD tests, since you don't know the whole truth about anything right now.

Take everything one day at a time. Make you and your little ones your priority. Keep posting and reading here, the help is incredible. You will survive this (((Hurtm))).

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