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Newest Member: WOPR (61467)

User Topic: Would you let your kids
♀ 38217
Member # 38217
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

associate with OW or OW's BS?

My FWH had multiple AP's, some of whom my kids know well. We told them immediately about the "1st" OW I discovered on my first Dday (she was not a close friend, but an acquaintance), but we did not tell them about the other AP's, because of the close friendships with these OW (one was a next door neighbor) and their children. Confusing, I know.

My kids are teens. They are still close with some of the AP's kids, and they share activities. We recently moved, but until that happened, one OW still drove one of my kids to a regular activity with their teen. Gross, I know, but we felt trapped by not wanting to reveal the additional A's.

Today, one of my teens is interested in joining an activity that would bring them into regular contact with the first OW's BS, and the OW on occasion. My teen really wants to be in the activity, but doesn't want any interaction with the OW. The OW's BS and OW are in charge of this activity, so they won't be going anywhere.

Curious what the general thought is on this situation. I'm inclined to support her in this activity, because it is not her fault her Dad had an A, and it may cause the AP and her BS a lot of discomfort to have my teen there, see her name on rosters, etc.

I'm looking for your thoughts because I'm not sure if I'm thinking about this correctly. As I allowed my kids to associate with the OW's they don't know about for so long, I may be somewhat desensitized to this situation, and if it is a completely "BAD IDEA", please say so.

Me (BW): 40's, WH: 40's
M: 17 yrs, 2 kids (teens)
DDay: multiple DDays and OW (2009-2012)

Posts: 63 | Registered: Jan 2013
♀ 30396
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am going to bet you will get contradicting advice. My thought is that if it is something she wants to do and being around OW or OW BS will not harm her I would allow her to participate. You indicate you live in a small town. It sounds like your family can be in regular contact with the individuals. She will most likely be around them in one way or another anyway. If I read your post correctly, she knows that the OW was an OW to your husband. She has obviously thought about the relationship and participating.

Would I like it? Absolutely not, however, I would not want my child to not be able to participate in the activity. I would let her know if after she starts, if she changed her mind and didn't want to be involved that would be acceptable.

Good Luck.

Me-54 BS
Him 61-WS
Married 34 yrs, together 37
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1962 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No....not an option. The interactions here have proven to be toxic.

I would treat this like two meth heads....maybe they are fine by themselves, but together they make trouble.

Realize I am only 13 months out. I have forgiven my wife, no longer have primal rage when I see her AP...but I see nothing but danger if we interacted with his family. I also see hundreds of other kids that our girls can interact with without this threat.

Perhaps some day I will not see my wife and her fAP interacting with us via our children as a threat to BOTH families...but right now it is absolutely a no go for me.

You are correct, it is not your kids fault for any of this. It is not my girls fault my wifes A creates serious tension in our home as my wife and I learn to R....but there are consequences that affect even those not at fault.

I believe my girls inability to interact in activities because, hypothetically, my wifes fAP is a coach is a consequence of my wifes action.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 11:25 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]

ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 5825 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
♂ 34689
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 2:39 AM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but there are consequences that affect even those not at fault

These people who were involved ARE NOT FRIENDS OF THE FAMILY as our MC would say.

still close with some of the AP's kids, and they share activities

Kids with kids, fine and dandy, but the adult involved in the destructive act being involved with the kid would be a no-go.

I would support the child in the activity, but would not trust the OW to be the sole supervisor or to be engaged in anything that involved them transporting or chaperoning, etc. If she asked why, I'd tell her why, and I'd do so even if others were around.

If you can't trust her with your husband, you can't trust her with your child.

BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 1151 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 4

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