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Watching2bSure posted 10/29/2013 16:51 PM

associate with OW or OW's BS?

My FWH had multiple AP's, some of whom my kids know well. We told them immediately about the "1st" OW I discovered on my first Dday (she was not a close friend, but an acquaintance), but we did not tell them about the other AP's, because of the close friendships with these OW (one was a next door neighbor) and their children. Confusing, I know.

My kids are teens. They are still close with some of the AP's kids, and they share activities. We recently moved, but until that happened, one OW still drove one of my kids to a regular activity with their teen. Gross, I know, but we felt trapped by not wanting to reveal the additional A's.

Today, one of my teens is interested in joining an activity that would bring them into regular contact with the first OW's BS, and the OW on occasion. My teen really wants to be in the activity, but doesn't want any interaction with the OW. The OW's BS and OW are in charge of this activity, so they won't be going anywhere.

Curious what the general thought is on this situation. I'm inclined to support her in this activity, because it is not her fault her Dad had an A, and it may cause the AP and her BS a lot of discomfort to have my teen there, see her name on rosters, etc.

I'm looking for your thoughts because I'm not sure if I'm thinking about this correctly. As I allowed my kids to associate with the OW's they don't know about for so long, I may be somewhat desensitized to this situation, and if it is a completely "BAD IDEA", please say so.

brkn_heartd posted 10/29/2013 20:43 PM

Watching,
I am going to bet you will get contradicting advice. My thought is that if it is something she wants to do and being around OW or OW BS will not harm her I would allow her to participate. You indicate you live in a small town. It sounds like your family can be in regular contact with the individuals. She will most likely be around them in one way or another anyway. If I read your post correctly, she knows that the OW was an OW to your husband. She has obviously thought about the relationship and participating.

Would I like it? Absolutely not, however, I would not want my child to not be able to participate in the activity. I would let her know if after she starts, if she changed her mind and didn't want to be involved that would be acceptable.

Good Luck.

blakesteele posted 10/29/2013 23:22 PM

No....not an option. The interactions here have proven to be toxic.

I would treat this like two meth heads....maybe they are fine by themselves, but together they make trouble.

Realize I am only 13 months out. I have forgiven my wife, no longer have primal rage when I see her AP...but I see nothing but danger if we interacted with his family. I also see hundreds of other kids that our girls can interact with without this threat.

Perhaps some day I will not see my wife and her fAP interacting with us via our children as a threat to BOTH families...but right now it is absolutely a no go for me.

You are correct, it is not your kids fault for any of this. It is not my girls fault my wifes A creates serious tension in our home as my wife and I learn to R....but there are consequences that affect even those not at fault.

I believe my girls inability to interact in activities because, hypothetically, my wifes fAP is a coach is a consequence of my wifes action.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 11:25 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]

standinghere posted 10/30/2013 02:39 AM

but there are consequences that affect even those not at fault

These people who were involved ARE NOT FRIENDS OF THE FAMILY as our MC would say.

still close with some of the AP's kids, and they share activities

Kids with kids, fine and dandy, but the adult involved in the destructive act being involved with the kid would be a no-go.

I would support the child in the activity, but would not trust the OW to be the sole supervisor or to be engaged in anything that involved them transporting or chaperoning, etc. If she asked why, I'd tell her why, and I'd do so even if others were around.

If you can't trust her with your husband, you can't trust her with your child.