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TrulySad posted 10/29/2013 16:52 PM

WBF calls me up yesterday, on his way home. He starts telling me about how this woman came into his shop and he wasn't going to be able to finish her inspection due to her missing something. He realizes he can do it another way though. He then tells me he made her think he was doing her this big favor. And she was so thankful. WTF???

Is he this stupid to do this, think there is nothing wrong with it, then recite it to me? He's there to work. NOT play hero to the women! When someone is paying you to do a job, you aren't doing them a favor. When you lead them to believe is a favor, it's crossing the line into personal.

Oh, and I should mention this is how I met him.

I think I'm the stupid one.....

[This message edited by TrulySad at 4:56 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]

Deeply Scared posted 10/29/2013 18:29 PM

TrulySad...

All people are capable of changing, but they have to want to. And then they have to follow through with implementing core/life changes in how they interact with people.

Why he wanted her to believe he was some sort of hero tells me he's not getting the magnitude of creating boundaries and living by them.

TrulySad posted 10/30/2013 06:13 AM

Thank you for replying Deeply Scared.

I'm sure I'm stretching it when I say hero, but every thing he does wrong now, seems to make me want to run in the opposite direction.

He knows he has a lot to change. And I realize when it's part of who a person has been their whole life, it's not always obvious what they are doing (that's wrong).

He defended his actions last night, even changing his story slightly to make it sound like he was blunt and just did his job. But I know he's a nice guy and I don't see him being blunt. At the same time, that's not how he expained it the first time around.

You're right. This is a boundry issue. I also think he needs to figure out why he has to play the nice guy to women. I brought up to him months ago, that when he describes women, his voice sounds different. He does the same thing when talking to them. I don't think he realized he was doing it. It opened up the issue that he views them WAY differently than men. He's admitted he's looked at them as objects, and also as helpless, sweet, adorable, etc.

At that time, I told him we were never going to work with him having those views. I know he saw what he was doing as wrong. And I know he's tried to change how he sees them. I can see that in the way he handles himself and how he comments on certain things. This site here has helped tremendously with this.

What I don't think he is seeing, or maybe doesn't care to, is how he still wants to be viewed in their eyes. And this part, I can't deal with.

Actually, when I look back at all I've been through in my life, by the actions of three men (infidelity and abuse), I have NO patience or tollorance for any of it ever again.

So why am I still here

TrustGone posted 10/30/2013 07:21 AM

I don't think we can ever expect someone to change themselves totally to what we want now. Like you said they have been this way all their life. I think it has to do with how we feel after the betrayal.

My XWH#1 and WH#2 are both flirts and always have been. That is what attracted us to them in the first place. I know WH#2 used to call waitresses flirtaous names. It never bother him and he would say how his XWW would get mad at him for it. He said he never meant anything by it and never understood why she got upset. He said it's not like he was going to grab them and take them home or anything. At the time it really never bothered me. Now, I know exactly what she meant when she got mad. I have pointed it out to him that he doesn't need to flirt with the waitress and she will still bring us our food. Then he gets defensive about it. It's like a viscious cycle with them it seems.

I don't know if it is best to point things out or let them be at times. It seems everything that used to not bother me so much is now a big deal. I wish I had the answer if they ever change. XWH#1 never did and from what I am seeing neither is WH#2..