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VeryUncertain posted 10/29/2013 16:55 PM

Before having 2 very young kids, I would have said cheating was an absolute dealbreaker. Since having the kids, I guess it's not. Or maybe it is.

The very short version: WH had an EA starting last summer with a younger girl that worked for him. He swears there was no PA except for one kiss. I don't necessarily believe him but I guess it doesn't matter. She was engaged when it started, moved to Asia, and got married last fall. She and her husband still live in Asia but her husband travels constantly, as does mine (to Asia, a lot). She is leaving the firm this July and my husband swears it has been over forever and they're just friends...and that they have to be cordial because they work together. This isn't necessarily untrue (I worked in the same general industry as him before I quit to run my own business and be a mom) but I overheard a conversation between the two of them the other day that sounded anything but "just cordial". On the other hand, it wasn't exactly full of love and kisses either. He did have a very short PA this summer with another girl that obviously meant nothing to him. If I were to guess, that girl was his rebound from girl 1 and then he came back to me. (That is so gross to write that but I think it's true.)

I'm struggling with several things: 1) feeling second best. He left me last winter/spring, I think, to "entice" girl 1 to leave her husband. I know intellectually that it was just a fantasy and escape but I can't help feeling second best. That he would have pursued things with her if she would have left hubby. 2) He came back...great? We have very young kids and he abandoned them for a good long time emotionally. he's very obviously trying to be a great dad. He says he loves me and is clearly trying to be more transparent but...he's not exactly the loving and attentive husband he used to be. The girls LOVE him, though. I flipped the other night and he apologized profusely and said he was really in it and really wanted to work it out. But...I don't know. I'm just really unsatisfied. 3) Am I just being greedy to want emotional support? He never withdrew financial support and, frankly, my life is pretty good on paper. I feel like I should just suck it up. Only...I thought we were happily married before this all happened and I just don't want to be one of those couples that stays together unhappily for the kids. We don't fight in front of them or anything but...

Anyway, I feel like maybe I should give him a break and that I'M the one expecting rainbows and unicorns now. Or...I just can't in reality forgive. Or something.

I was FINE before he came back. I moved on, I was happy. Now I'm miserable again. Grr. Help me sort through this please!

hitbyatruck posted 10/29/2013 19:56 PM

I get this.

I was separated and remained a SAHM for about 18 months. For most of that time we both thought we were divorcing. And then he decides he wants to come back....grrrr. I was ok, I was moving on, I was feeling good.

R is hard. R forces you to deal with the affair issues and the martial troubles before/during/after the affair.

I also do not want to break up my family but it is hard. Not all the time but I feel like H broke something inside of me back in march of 2009 and it simply never healed.

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