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ShatteredOpal posted 10/29/2013 17:31 PM

Sometimes it's just so hard to start thinking about how to sum up where I am at, where we are at any point of time. Two years ago Friday the 1st of November he told me who he was seeing, told me he wanted to end our marriage then left the house for a meeting, a real meeting and a meeting with her. He spent the night away that night. I didn't sleep a wink he stopped returning my texts. Early the next morning I drove past the business where she had an early morning shift. I saw her through the window. I drove past the marina where our boat was. The place he said he was spending the night. He had gone there to shower but I didn't see his bike. I was sure he stayed at her house. I went into work, I was a wreck. He said he would break it off that afternoon. I came home early. after her shift he rode his bike to her house, UGH!, and told her he was going to stop seeing her and work on our marriage. That was the beginning of the end. There was a dilberate broken no contact, some tt, hb, heart to hearts, texts from her in the next couple weeks. We did one marriage counseling session and mostly since then we have been steadily improving.

Things he didn't do during his month long affair seemed to contribute to our relative success. He didn't share personal information about himself, his family, or things about me with her, and he wasn't physically or emotionally attracted to her. He never professed love for her and when she asked if he would leave me or if he thought I would leave him, he said he didn't know.

Terrible things that happened were the three of us dancing at a fundraising event on the floor together, he brought her to our home twice for lunch, they held hands watching soccer at our favorite local bar, he vented to me to our children, they made out on our boat, at our place of business, he gaslighted me and texted her in our daughter's presence and lied about what he was texting.

Positive things that happened since: We went on a couple of great road trips and boat trips, made new memories and visited new places, he hAs gained a lot of insight, feels disgust at what he did and who he did it with, helps me through the rough spots. He has grown into the partner I always thought he could be. We've grown together. Even thought he wanted in many ways to be a committed husband his past and foo issues would creep up and become huge excuses for not being fully in our marriage.

If I had not been on this site for his emotional affair previously I don't know what I would have done with this PA. Pretty much as soon I saw the red flags and even before he confessed I started the 180. Sometimes I think I overdid it a bit with my highly rational approach and held his hand through his distress a bit too much. I certainly never swept any issue under the rug even if I waited for a calm period to bring things up.

A few people here have talked about feeling weak or stupid for putting up with known cheaters or for deciding to stay or for not recognizing the signs earlier. I can relate to that kind of second guessing BUT... really I never felt stronger and more resolved in my life than when I realized that the choice was up to him and that I would be okay not matter what happened. Maybe not happy but I would be the stronger, I did nothing wrong and did not deserve to be treated the way I was. Also, his heart and soul did not deserve to be treated in such a mean and careless way. I still struggle with wondering why I stayed with someone who carried on during our whole relationship with an ex girlfriend, yet what we share and our bond is deep and strong.

Presently, we/I have to deal with running into her in our small town. Sometimes we bag out on events or places where we are likely to see her. Other times we bite the bullet and go out and have a great time together ignoring her and looking past/through her. Life is too short to let her keep us from enjoying ourselves. If things get too uncomfortable we leave.

I wrote a lot and don't feel particularly eloquent but I just feel like acknowledging where I've been and where I am. Surviving Infidelity is so important to me and offered me so much hope and insight. FWh also got a lot out of threads I shared with him.

The day today is just so damn similar to that day just over a year ago, sunny, beautiful, crisp. October will never feel the same.

brkn_heartd posted 10/29/2013 20:36 PM

ShatteredOpal,
I am sorry your antiversary is approaching, I know how hard it is. I am in my "trigger" season now and every day seems painful. I remember them clearly.

I want to congratulate you on the positives you are able to share. It sounds like you and your husband have made some great strides. I don't think any of us anticipate being here...but yet here we are. It is not an easy road, but a doable one if both are actively working to reconcile.

Each year it gets a little easier. I do not think it will ever go away, but the pain is less acute. I agree, SI has been a life saver. I wish I had found it much earlier in the process. I would have done things much differently.

Take care of yourself Friday. Do something nice for you.