I have been following your posts, and I am so sorry for the pain you are enduring.
It seems as though you had only the choice to keep with the status quo( he cheats, you forgive, repeat), or to draw the hard line and say no more. I feel the decision you have made to no longer tolerate being cheated on and lied to, is a very loving act towards YOU. You are valuable, and you deserve love, respect, loyalty, truth, trust. You are valuing yourself now in a new way; his response is his choice and his to own.
Please stay strong and know you have supporters here.
He didn't care about your family and business being turned upside down when he continuously cheated.
This will get easier. You have to stay strong for you and your children. Not having to worry about where he is or what he is doing is going to be so refreshing once you're past this first part of uncertainty.
I am keeping you close in my thoughts.
If he loves you the way you deserve to be loved, he would stop. Period. Repeat that to yourself however many times it takes to sink in.
FWIW I felt the same way when I went through this. It was hard when I thought I had caught glimpses of the person I thought my xw was. But that's just it... she wasn't that person. I was holding her up to the bar I had set and she wasn't willing to reach that high. My conditions were not unreasonable by any stretch of the imagination. I had a hard time reconciling the difference between who she was and who I thought she should be. But eventually I realised that those two weren't the same and that I had to let go or get dragged under the surface for good. I still coparent with her, and to be honest, I think my willingness to stick up for myself prompted her to take a look at her own self improvement as all that was left was her. But that never would have happened if I had done otherwise. It takes action to make change. And it takes courage to take action.
Maybe he will make the necessary changes and you will reconcile. Maybe he won't. But you have to be willing to let him come to that on his own... and part of that means willing to walk away.
I don't know who I am without him.
When you've lost your way, you've gotta look inside. There is something there. There's always something there. Maybe it's just a faintly glowing ember, but if you can stoke it, it will light the fires of truth, love, and courage to serve as a beacon to light your way.
What about my needs
Well... do you have an answer for this? What are your needs?
I don't know who I am without him. I don't know if I want to know.
The second notion is that you continue to take responsibility for whether the relationship "works" as he has made his wishes clear (let's just put this behind us) and you "seem" to be the one preventing a "happy" future. F- that, that my brother. You have allowed yourself to be manipulated in the past. Call this for what it is. The baseline is that he threw the relationship (and the business, all of it...) away. Any discussion must start from there - that is the basseline. (not the lie of the apparently happy home).
Alex, take care of you (and the kids). If a reconcilliation is to come at some future time it will come because he has matured in this area of his life and can actually be a full partner to you. (I believe people can be "mature" intellectually, spiritually, etc, but still be selfish adolescents in their primary relationships)
It is early Alex. Give yourself time to figure this out. Get to know yourself and your needs! And feel your anger, feel yourself.
"Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tiptoe if you must, but take the step."
It applies to all of us, but I especially thought of you this morning.
I hope you were able to get some sleep last night. Do something for YOU today. We are all here for you!
I'm sorry you're here. I know you've been struggling. If you go the route of D, you will find yourself again and you'll LOVE yourself. Have confidence in yourself. Your business wasn't all him, I'm sure you're a big part of that success. Take pride in what you have accomplished, don't let his actions tarnish YOU. You know you deserve better. You know your family deserves better. You've given him chances and he makes his own choices. We are powerless over the choices they make, but have the POWER to make OUR OWN choices too. You DO what YOU need to do.
If you choose to R, YOU hold the power and he follows the rules that I'm sure you've read here and have of your own. Going out by himself after work? NO MORE! Coming home late from work. He's on the phone with you from the time he steps out of work to the time he walks in the door. I'm sure you (have other rules.
If you choose D, it is NOT the end of the world! That was hard for me to understand. You'll get through it, survive, and thrive! I sympathize with you there also. They're the only reason I didn't D, and the reason I waited so long and gave so many chances to my WS until the time I felt there was no alternative. I'll have to let others speak to how kids bounce back, and I know they do.
Wish we could all be there to give you hugs personally, but for know, here's a big electronic hug coming at you! (((AlexFL)))
Even when you've been placed in an untenable position, with the person who's supposed to be your partner, the one who is supposed to love you the most and place you above all others, chooses to place YOU in the position of doing HIS dirty work: ending a marriage he, really, already left, it hurts like hell.
And when YOU feel responsible for the end of the relationship, it feels even worse.
Thing is, you didn't end it. He ended it the moment he touched another woman. And he knew that. He chose to do so anyway. Maybe he figured you'd stay. Maybe he figured he'd engage in a game of chicken with you, daring you to end it, but believing you would not.
To this day, my husband insists I ended our marriage. We've been separated for over 3 years, after YEARS of infidelity and lies. But it's somehow easier for him to believe I ended it. Whatever. It ended the first time he walked into a strip club, really. Because even though that predates me kicking him out by a good couple of decades, that's when he left the marriage.
Alex, your husband did the same. He left the marriage already.
YOU did not end the relationship.
He did. With his decision to cheat.
Nevertheless, I completely understand the sense of responsibility.
Don't buy what he's selling. This is not your first experience with infidelity. That, in and of itself, tells you how seriously your husband takes you, takes marriage at this point.
But remember: no decision you make, really, is irrevocable. If at some time in the future your husband chooses to step up to the plate, and take REAL action to become a safe and trustworthy partner--there is NOTHING to prevent you from re-establishing ties and working to create a new, healthy relationship. Then again, there is nothing that requires this of you; if you've reached your breaking point, that's okay, too. That he chose to place you in this horrendous position is ...well, all on him.
HE made the mistake, Alex. You are doing the only sensible thing to do in your situation: protecting yourself, keeping yourself safe, learning that you CAN live without his chaos (and that, likely, you prefer this to the walking on eggshells living with a cheater requires).
This isn't about your marital issues, or your happiness. It's about his brokenness.
If and when he chooses to address this, you can reevaluate your decision.
In the meantime, yes--it sucks. Family and business do suffer.
What sucks the most is that the person who was supposed to be your partner in all of this CHOSE IT FOR YOU.
Please be gentle with yourself. Start by removing the responsibility for the end of the marriage from your shoulders.
Then, on a more basic level, make sure you are eating well, exercising each day, getting enough fluid, and getting as much rest as you can. These things help.
He is coming over tonight. I don't know why. All I do is tell him what an a%#hole he is and make him feel worse. I told him it won't work. How could we try AGAIN. Why would he want to continue doing this to me if he loves me so much?
I have thought of the future without him and with him. I have to work out. I want to keep my body in great shape. I started thinking - if in not with him- how will I go to the gym, how will I ever have me time. Then I took a step back and said he didn't walk me to the gym everyday and make me workout. Why am I setting myself up for thinking the worst. Maybe I'll get to work out even more cause I don't have to worry about rushing home to make sure he is there. I know I'm rambling but (the gym has been my savior- I was very scrawny growing up and going to the gym makes me feel do much better about myself, he seems to think that is superficial to go in the midst of this chaos- I think its a necessity. Thanks for listening. Sorry I'm all over the place with my posts. I just want to vent and get it all out. I hate myself right now. I hate that I'm not strong. I hate that I am this dependent on someone who cheats on me and has no excuse as to why.
Good luck tonight! And no, going to the gym is not superficial. Even with kids you deserve "me" time and if the gym gives you comfort, go for it!!!! (I could use a little more time there myself! )
Hopefully you've spoken with an attorney and have a financial profile of you, your husbands, and business. The attorney should be able to give you a very close estimation of what kind of settlement you could expect.
Again, good luck!
He didn't fight it. We did bring up lots of other things that bothered us in the relationship.
Is it normal that when someone betrays you and really hurts you that your mind then recalls every thing they have ever done to hurt u. He keeps saying I should be glad to get rid of him because I keep telling him of all the awful things he has done in our 24 years.
I told him that I didn't really relive the past daily but after this latest infidelity I have been flooded with all the shitty things he has ever done. I feel that it's normal. Almost a body defense to help you get past the hurt. He says that I never let go of the past and therefore parts of the reason the marriage is failing.
He does take full responsibility for the ONS. And says he should have told me he felt he wasn't a priority anymore. That he should have communicated this again and again.
I told him what he should have said to me is "this is what I need from you, more attention, more affection etc and I have asked before so since I'm not getting it, and I no longer feel needed I am leaving". I would have had so much more respect for him instead of cheating on me for a 5th time. Truth is no attention is ever enough. Eventually I just throw your hands up and say F&@k it I can't live up to those expectations.
I was thinking I would be bitter and ugly but I refuse to let love breed bitterness and hate. (Although at times it is hard to remember that)
I really wish he didn't cheat this time. I know he didn't mean to do it again, but he did and I'm left with the pieces. It wasn't his ego, it was an alter personality. Some how or another he gathered up the confidence to meet someone alone over the computer and have sex and then meet them again a week later for more.
I will tell you that I know it was not physical attraction that caused this- because the OP was not attractive at all. OP asked me "why would he cheat with me when he has you".
OP was very sorry and said they truly had no idea. I just thanked them for being completely honest (told me no condoms were used). I did say to OP "please respect yourself enough to have the person wear a condom, no one is worth dying for".
I don't even know what im typing. Sometimes I just type to get it out, sometimes it makes it more clear that this is actually happening, and sometimes I'm just hoping that someone reads this and can relate or that I'm really not as alone as I feel.
Nothing happens, when you're in limbo. Everything moves in a circular pattern. If only I...If only he...When I remember this...I'm afraid of that...If only I...
Circles. No ending. No beginning. Just a limbo of pain, un-ending pain. While life goes on, you get older, nothing changes, just circles in circles, circling again.
You need to break that circling break out of limbo. Yes, it's going to hurt. A lot. But guess what? What you're doing right now hurts too. A lot. And keeps on hurting and WILL keep on hurting until you say stop.
It's as if your leg was so badly injured that you needed to amputate it. But, being afraid, you only cut a bit off. And since you didn't get the infection, it spread, so you had to cut a bit more off. And a bit more. Dying inches at a time. Cutting more and more, deeper and deeper.
And if only you had taken your courage in hand, made the hard decision, and cut once, you would have already been healed, healthy, and walking around on that prosthetic limb. Maybe not as good as the original one, but functional, healthy, and able to explore life again.
Be brave, brother. This is your life. You don't get a do-over. This is it. If you cannot or will not find happiness in the short amount of time that you are graced to live, then you will never find it at all. And living a life, the only one that you are granted, in a circular-hell limbo is so horrifying as to not be contemplated. Choose life! (((hugs)))
D-Day, June 10, 2012
I was so cocky about my relationship I would've bet life and limb that my H would never cheat on me and yet here I am.
I know exactly how you feel about your identity. Everything I am is tied in to his man I have been with for almost 30 years. We have a business that would suffer a great deal if we were to separate and that's the financial. Emotionally our daughters and family would be devastated with a separation.
I am 20 months out from discovery. I have pondered and analyzed if I should stay in this marriage or not and at the end of the day it comes down to how much I love him. I love him so much that I cannot walk away from this relationship.
Part of what saves him is that up to today we've had more good years than bad years. Right now these last 2 years have SUCKED BIG DONKEY D!CKS but I can't deny there's been some fantastic years in our history and for that reason I stay because everyday he tries and usually succeeds at showing me in some way how much he loves me.
I can tell you from the bottom of my heart that these affairs have nothing to do with you. This is all him and his lack of self esteem and self respect. He needs counseling to figure out why he's repeatedly cheated on you.
If you do want to work things out, I recommend you post in the RECONCILIATION section. The advise there is more geared toward saving your marriage.
Today we spoke and he is willing to let go because he knows it will never be what it was. He was very emotional and apologetic. He said he started back with his counselor today and he is ready to take ownership of what he has done.
He said he knows this is his fault and not mine. He recognizes that there was trouble in the relationship and that he should have communicated that to me. He wants nothing more but to try AGAIN.
I just really don't know. I think that since it's happened so many times, how many other times were there that I didn't know. I guess that's something I'll never know (but I know in my gut there were others)
Is there life with him after this many times of infidelity ? Is that fair to me? Do I even want to try? Do I dare go down this dead end road again? Do I really want to wonder what sites he is meeting people in now or am I suppose to become this super spouse that bakes cookies and cuddles up?
I have read many people say that if u do try again that you should have them call on their way home, they should let u look thru their phone, computer, check up on them regularly and I think --FORGET THAT- seriously, I don't want to be a prison warden. I would like someone that I do not have to worry about them being so flighty and needy to need to creep behind my back and screw other people. That's not too much to ask for.
There was a time I thought that I had the best partner...protective, good looking, stable, determined, treated me great---and now I have no idea who this alter ego is that lives inside him. He only comes out a couple times a year but each time it kills me.
If he wanted an open relationship he should have told me. I found that site and I found the OP and I pretended I was interested in a hook up. I led them on and told them to meet me at a hotel. I pulled my car behind theirs so they couldn't back up/ I hoped in their car and I questioned them.... I grilled them. At first swore didn't know him when I showed the pic... I assured that I wasn't there for trouble. I just needed to hear the truth- the entire truth. They felt very bad for me and had no idea the my WS was in a relationship. I assured that my commitment wasn't with them and that I appreciated their honesty. That's when I also found out no condoms were used both times they met (one time was on my bday, we went to dinner very early bd he had to go to the store...) FINALLY I had the proof I needed to move on without any doubt.
And here I freaking sit debating to call him. I think I am as f'ed up as he is. It should be cut and dry. It should be over. Why do all the other things that were good fill my head. Why can't I just not be so forgiving. Why do I always look at both sides to the story. It has been 5 times. He won't change.
I told him I was not willing to go any more. I was not willing to change. I would not have sex with him ever again, and I will not trust him ever again-so why does he even want to try to save it. Why do I even entertain the idea.
I'm not ugly, I don't have low self-esteem. I don't really feel like I need anyone in my life. I don't need sex. I don't feel like a partner completes me-- why can I just not walk away. Is it love, is it control, is it fear-- I am going to a counselor next week--
If you all don't hear from me - it means she put me in the insane asylum.
Please post. I really cherish the messages. This is the only place I have vented. I've tried to keep this on the down low because I don't want all the drama.