I am sorry you are feeling this frustration. You are not alone, but that doesn't change the fact this is so painful.
It is NOT fair BS are charged with operating more logically after our spouses A, taking into consider way more then the WS did while in their A, but this is the truth.
Who on this site would not give their right arm to have had their WS stop and really weigh the consequences of their actions BEFORE we discovered it....then subjected to more pain as A continued and TTing and the Fog rolled in?
I temper my selfish reactions to the unfair state of this situation by thinking of those even less deserving of this pain...our kids.
It really sucks for our kids. My wife never did, never had to really consider the harm and danger her actions put them in (or her AP 5 kids) due to the lies that established her A in the first place...I remember her proudly pronouncing that yes, she walked out on me...but she would NEVER do that to her girls. This is the logic of a WS and is part of the boundary-less and lie-filled world that they created for themselves.
Talk about unfair....our kids have been negatively affected by her A and our subsequent arguing, pain, distractions from them, and general struggles.
So we didn't gain anything from our spouses affairs, our kids certainly didn't....so who did?
On the surface it appears the WS and AP got something out of it....a very erotic, animalistic, vibrant escape from reality.....in my case, sex with a virtual stranger...a new sex partner for my wife (we were each others firsts)....and some light easy conversation. My wife contends no deep discussions were shared between her and her AP...it was just easy, freeing, comfortable.
Okay...so thats what I THINK was gained by my wifes A.
In order for her to have gained that it cost her a considerable amount. I cant list it, as only she knows the pain her A caused her. But I can tell you it was s dreadful price.
Would she do it again? No, probably not. Is the price she paying enough for her to really invest in changing and working on herself? That is the big question I believe most BS ask themselves almost daily.
Back to your core post....
I never got a timeline either. I never made it a must-have item, asked tons of questions, poured over emails and text times and dates and put together a decent one....but it was like pulling teeth....I actually thought it might materialize as my wife gained empathy, felt remorse...or maybe as she did one to try and sort out the mess that is her A....just by talking with her she is not clear on major items, such as the week it went physical. It sucks, but I have accepted this is as good and as processed as this part of our life together will ever be.
No need to apologize for a vent....I am grateful for this site so that we have a place to do just that.
Adultery, unlike any other struggle in life, is very much one that has to be done quietly and in private. Oh, people would find this very interesting conversation, would love to hear the scoop...but the reaction and advice would differ tremendously.
If we were fighting cancer....the response would be similar from complete strangers as well as your Mom...very supportive, encouraging, sympathy and empathy. When we deal with adultery...the response covers the spectrum from Leave the Bastard to....The Bible says to Love unconditionally....and everything in between.
God be with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:30 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]