Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
How do you define compatibility in your marriage or committed relationship?
Are you compatible in some ways and not others?
Do you "rank" areas of compatibility according to what is most important to you in your relationship?
And in areas that you are incompatible, what do you do about it? Do you compromise? Do you accept it? Do you silently stew about areas in which you are not compatible and wish he/she could/would change?
After infidelity, whether you are the BS or the WS, how have your thoughts about compatibility in your relationship changed? Is it more important to be compatible with your spouse/SO? Less important? Are areas of incompatibility a bigger deal now than they used to be?
I know that's a lot of questions, but I'm genuinely curious about other people's experiences. XH and I have started making some tentative plans to remarry, and it goes without saying that it's extremely important to me to not screw this up.
Throughout our relationship, XH and I have always been a mixed bag with regards to compatibility---as I'm sure every couple is, of course. But lately as I evaluate our relationship in my mind, I find myself noticing a "give this to get that" mentality akin to a pros and cons list with regard to areas of compatibility. Like, "He'll be a great father to our kids someday and we share similar views on parenting" is probably the most important thing to me, even though a very close number two in order of importance is communication and we are about as incompatible as it gets in that area.
So then I continue on down the list, and I see a lot of "meh" answers to the "are we compatible in X area?" question. As in, I guess so. Or, as good as it gets. Or, we won't kill each other over it/it's not a hill to die on. Part of my whole post-divorce, re-relationship Zen regarding XH has been to take it easy, not worry about stuff that doesn't matter, not get tripped up on the small stuff. I guess I'm just having a hard time figuring out what is actually small when it comes to one of the most important decisions to make in life: choosing a partner (correctly).
Anyone is welcome to reply.
Husband: XBS, 40s
Married 2.5 years
We remarried in 2014.