SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How do you define compatibility in your marriage or committed relationship?

Are you compatible in some ways and not others?

Do you "rank" areas of compatibility according to what is most important to you in your relationship?

And in areas that you are incompatible, what do you do about it? Do you compromise? Do you accept it? Do you silently stew about areas in which you are not compatible and wish he/she could/would change?

After infidelity, whether you are the BS or the WS, how have your thoughts about compatibility in your relationship changed? Is it more important to be compatible with your spouse/SO? Less important? Are areas of incompatibility a bigger deal now than they used to be?

_____________________________

I know that's a lot of questions, but I'm genuinely curious about other people's experiences. XH and I have started making some tentative plans to remarry, and it goes without saying that it's extremely important to me to not screw this up.

Throughout our relationship, XH and I have always been a mixed bag with regards to compatibility---as I'm sure every couple is, of course. But lately as I evaluate our relationship in my mind, I find myself noticing a "give this to get that" mentality akin to a pros and cons list with regard to areas of compatibility. Like, "He'll be a great father to our kids someday and we share similar views on parenting" is probably the most important thing to me, even though a very close number two in order of importance is communication and we are about as incompatible as it gets in that area.

So then I continue on down the list, and I see a lot of "meh" answers to the "are we compatible in X area?" question. As in, I guess so. Or, as good as it gets. Or, we won't kill each other over it/it's not a hill to die on. Part of my whole post-divorce, re-relationship Zen regarding XH has been to take it easy, not worry about stuff that doesn't matter, not get tripped up on the small stuff. I guess I'm just having a hard time figuring out what is actually small when it comes to one of the most important decisions to make in life: choosing a partner (correctly).

Anyone is welcome to reply.

If you check out marriagebuilders.com they had a really good emotional needs questionaire. You and your partner rank each of those needs and then how well you feel they are getting met and then discuss with each other. It's a really good exercise I would suggest trying together. The discussion between the two of you being the key part

I think it is important. In areas you need it to be.

I think it is important. In areas you need it to be.

My FWH thought that we are incompatible. He's always worried about so many difference we had that he didn't think we'd have a great marriage even to begin with.

I told him the difference between him and I is attitude.

I have the attitude of WANTING differences and learning something new, growing, etc. Differences to me don't matter as much so long as we have the beliefs in things that matter.

I told him that we ARE compatible:

1. we both like families

2. we love children

3. we love traveling through life together with a partner

4. we believe in God and Christian ways

etc.

Sometimes people think too much of the mundane unimportant stuff as compatibility issues (e.g. he likes the bed made but she doesn't; prefers to go to ballet over football, etc.). Truly mature relationship which took me and FWH a while to get there encourage each other. My FWH would go to movies with me even though he doesn't like going to movies. I would go see baseball with him even though I could care less.

True maturity comes with the right attitude of staying positive and finding similarities in each other. My FWH and I are even from 2 distinct different cultures and race. People who see us and know us couldn't believe how much differences there are to both of us and how could we still be together - these are people who didn't even know about the affair!

Then my MIL finally figured it out on her own something my husband and I have always known. She said she thinks it all comes down to how our differences is what makes us a great TEAM. How my strength is my husband's weakness and my weakness his strength. That if the other fall, the other can fix and motivate. It's like two pieces of the puzzle that just fits. They are very different, and yet they are so compatible...

Hope that helps.

[This message edited by Simple at 5:31 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]

IME, it's not the differences in compatibility, it's how you manage those differences. Also communication - real communication - is paramount.