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Jptphp posted 10/29/2013 21:07 PM

I don't know where to begin.
I caught my H in Feb. cheating on me with a girl that worked for him. We had just moved to a new city and I could tell something was wrong. He finally came clean and begged for my forgiveness. Promised me he didn't love her she was just filling a void that had come into our marriage. I blamed myself some what for his affair because when we moved I was so miserable and grumpy. I stopped being affectionate and our sex life became nonexistent. I took him back and really tried to focus on us. Things were good. So good that I got pregnant with our second child.
It was a complete surprise. It took us 3 years to get pregnant with our first. And we both were happy with just one. Doctors had said chances were slim I would ever get pregnant again. Boy were they wrong!
I could tell he was a little scared and unsure about having another child. I told him that if wanted out I would understand. I didn't want him to feel trapped. He said loved me, our son, and unborn son.
So that brings me to today. I am 8 months pregnant and just found out last week he never ended it with HW.
I was suspicious but couldn't figure out how he was talking to her until I found the phone she bought for him.
I kicked him out. He says he doesn't want a divorce but he is staying at her house. I have a 3 year old that is asking why daddy coming home and I don't know what to do. I should hate him but I still love him. I'm so hurt and confused. I expected him to fight for us. He tells me he loves me but he is with her. I have been letting him come over to spend time with our son and he tries to talk about our future.
What do I do? I have to have this baby by myself in a town I hate and have no help. I just don't understand. How do you do that to someone. How do I get the courage to file divorce when I look around and just fall to pieces.
I am trying so hard to keep myself together but I'm losing it.

SerJR posted 10/29/2013 22:38 PM

Welcome here little sister...

I'm sorry that you find yourself here.

Please understand that his choices to have an affair were entirely on him. Affairs happen when people refuse to address problems in their life and seek a fantasy version of themselves over reality. Marriage is simply a function of what was put into it - if there was a void in it, the void was within him. His choice was in no way a reflection on you.

In the same way, if you are to reconcile he must step up. You cannot do it alone. He must cut off all contact with the OW, take responsibility without blaming external factors, do some soul searching to indentify why he felt this was acceptable, and work hard to rebuild the trust through verifiable honesty and transparency. Let him know that your preference is to work on the marriage, but that you need to see a change in his behaviour if you are to stay in it. Let him know that he's free to make whatever decision he wants, but you are moving forward with your life one way or another.

If he's not willing to give you that, then you are doing the right thing by taking a stand for your rights. You cannot rebuild a marriage while an affair is going on. It's like trying to clean up an oil spill without first shutting off the valve. It doesn't work. Of course he doesn't want a divorce - he has security and familiarity with you and excitement with the OW. That's a pretty damned high fence his ego is sitting on. By taking action and making it clear that you will not accept this behaviour in your marriage you will force him to make a decision. You or the OW - not both.

The best thing you can do is to take care of yourself. Consult your doctor and a counselor - with baby on the way you need to be at your best! I also suggest you consult a lawyer, just to educate yourself and find out what your rights and options are. At the same time, read through the Healing Library and pay particular attention to the 180 - it presents a mechanism for you to focus on yourself independently and rebuild your self esteem.

It's normal to hurt. And it is going to take time and effort on your part to heal from this. But if you can respect yourself, stand up for your needs, enforce your personal boundaries, and protect what is important to you, then you will get through this. Keep faith in yourself and stay true to who you are.

You're gonna be okay.


ruby44 posted 10/29/2013 22:42 PM

Oh you poor thing. Now is not the time to figure out what to do. Now is the time to take care of yourself and your baby. There is time to decide after the baby is born. I strongly recommend visiting the healing library and reading the 180. Just think, now that he is with her, she gets to see all of it, day in and day out. Piles of laundry at the side of the bed and all his nasty little habits! It is no longer that secret affair that they each got to put on their best front. it is out in the open and she gets the mopey guy and he gets her reality. Just breathe and just because he wants to come back does not mean you have to let him. Hang in there sweetie, it will get better. Hugs.

Raven96 posted 10/30/2013 11:15 AM

I am so sorry that you had to find us, but I am very glad that you are here. There is so much information on this site. Take this time to read and educate yourself. Knowledge is power!

Definitely start the 180. It is found in the FAQ for the BS, #11. Start doing it immediately. Do not communicate with him unless it is to discuss your son. When he comes to visit your son, leave the room and go read a book, fold laundry, or whatever. Just stay away from him.

Eventually (sooner rather than later) I would see a lawyer and discuss your options. They can give you an idea of what you can roughly expect in alimony (if applicable) and child support.

You cannot fix things with MC while he is still in his A. You also have to be willing to let go of the marriage to save it. Once he realizes you are ready to walk away and he is going to lose EVERYTHING, only then is there a chance that he will get his head out of his butt. It is only a chance, but it's more than you have now. You have to be ready to walk away at that point, though. It is NOT to be used as a bluff.

First and foremost take care of you and your two babies. The rest will fall into place in one way or another.

I am so sorry.


Jptphp posted 10/30/2013 15:06 PM

Thank you so much for your replies. I trying to take it one step at a time. I spoke with a lawyer today which was about the hardest thing I have ever done. Nothing like telling your life story to a compete stranger.
I don't think I have ever been so scared in my life. Is it possible to trust again........

Raven96 posted 10/30/2013 15:37 PM

It is possible, but it takes a long, long time. In your situation with him being with her, you can't even begin to think about that. Right now you have to get YOU through this!!

I'm glad you went to the lawyer. I know it's hard, but you have to prepare yourself. I hope you got answers, and I hope you left there feeling a little bit better knowing what you can expect, for the most part.

Shut him out of your life except where your son in concerned...and even then just keep that minimal.

Try to eat and drink lots of water. I wish you strength and am sending good thoughts your way!!

NoAnswers37 posted 10/30/2013 15:41 PM

Honey, I cannot offer much good advice but just wanted to send you (((hugs))) - we are ALL here for you

ascian posted 10/30/2013 16:20 PM

Nothing like telling your life story to a compete stranger.

Isn't that the truth? It hurt, a lot, when I told my story to a therapist the first time. It terrified me when I told my story to a lawyer, it made it seem all too real.

It's gotten easier, since. Each time I've faced my wife's A it's been a little less embarrassing and a little less "sharp" if that makes any sense.

In part, I know, it's because to me, there's no pain or embarrassment like what I felt when I found out and got confirmation about the A. I made it through those feelings, and while they haunt me and still hurt I know that what I feel today is a pale shadow of the stress I felt last August.

I hope that helps, a little bit at least.

Jptphp posted 10/30/2013 18:22 PM

I just read the 180, HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE! I get it, I know I need to do it but I'm pregnant, hormonal, hurt, mad.... Ahahahahahahahha
Please wake me up from this nightmare!

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