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I am finding it really hard, that for a person to cheat, they must hate us at the time, and why no explanation, these people are very warped in the head, no values and morals and they are so insecure and low life rats.

Well, I think it has more to do with self hatred than hatred of the BS. My H describes his A time as a time when he was totally not thinking, at all. If he had been thinking and conscious about everything, he wouldn't have been able to do all that he did. he wouldn't have been able to do ANY of it.

They don't hate us they keep it separate. Sounds insane but they do.
I think the marriage is perhaps not at it's best and needs work so they do take the easy way out. But they don't hate us.

My STBXH claims that his cheating had nothing to do with me and he still truly loves me (whatever that means).

After a lot of thought and reading other people's stories, I've come to the conclusion that we BSs don't even factor into the equation. Our WSs don't do it to hurt us, they just do it for the instant gratification. There is something that they are lacking, and they think the A will fill that hole. They do not think of the consequences, and a lot don't even accept responsibility for their actions. Of course those are two words my STBXH does not understand, "responsibility" and "consequences".

Of course, we are the ones who are devastated when D-Day comes. My STBXH didn't realize just how much trouble he was in with me until I literally collapsed in front of him after finding out he slept with my BFF. I think he was shocked at how hurt I was. He literally said "It was just sex, she meant nothing to me," oblivious to the fact that it just made it worse.

Be prepared for your WS to try to shift the blame for their A onto you, the BS. Be prepared for them to rewrite the marital history to try to justify their actions. It's just the last act of a person desperately trying to avoid facing responsibility or consequences (there are those two words again).

Remember, the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. That is what hurts me the most about STBXH's infidelity. He just didn't care.

My fWW has continued to contend she never hated me, never ran me down while with her AP.

I think an A really has everything to do with the actual people conducting it...end of story.

I searched for months for the anger, the hate, the abuse I caused my wife that drove her to her A.....I never found it. Months of counseling has revealed it simply is not there to be found.

I know this is a crazy concept....and it still boggles my mind....but it is apparently true.

Peace to us all.

A few days after H confessed his A, I was still in a state of shock and I said "Wow, you must have really hated me then". He was genuinely surprised and said "No, that isn't true, I could never hate you".

At that time I was relating *his* A to *me*, when it was all on him the whole time and had nothing to do with me at all. It had everything to do with him, his weakness, his lack of morals, his huge ego tripping, his self-entitlement issues, his NPD...HIS lacking.

Mine did. Because of our differing political views he reduced me to "the other ". He even wrote a vituperative political screed all over a Valentine card I gave him (years before the A). Combine that with porn addiction and he easily justified the A. He had utter contempt for me. The question I need to ask myself is "Why did I stay in that horrible M?"

[This message edited by struggling16 at 1:01 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]

Agree with others.
They don't hate us. But, in order to keep their justification, they have to convince themselves how terrible we are and how unhappy they are with us. They also have a sympathetic partner in crime who helps them with this.
This is ALL about them, we are just collateral damage most of the time.