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Newest Member: BrnEyes777 (45750)

User Topic: can you convince yourself that the A wasn't a deal breaker?
married2stranger
♀ 34492
Member # 34492
Target  Posted: 11:10 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are in A season now, so I'm not sure if my emotions are quite stable at the moment. Most of the time I feel like the A was a dealbreaker for me. If not the A the TT and damage done after dday most definitely were, but... I KNOW that the best thing for ME and MY FAMILY is to remain intact. I am currently a SAH mom and homeschooling my son due to his anxiety and emotional issues . He has a sensory disorder and has problems with socializing.

Some days I think he would be better off with two emotionally available parents who were separated, but on other days I fear separating would devastate him, just the logistics of getting him enrolled in even a specialized school and me re-entering the work force and being able to still get him to his weekly therapy sessions would be way to much for him.

So I wonder if anyone else has been able to live with or come to terms with the A being a dealbreaker but staying M was the best option.

How to make the best of a bad situation?


D-Day - 10/22/2011
Married 5/29/2004 together 13years!

(Me)"I've been called worse"....
(WH)"Oh yeah, like what?"
(Me)"YOUR wife!!!"


Posts: 135 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Limbo Land
Gemini71
♀ 40115
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like you're trying to 'stay together for your son's sake.' That is usually a bad idea. Try talking to his therapist separately to get their opinion on this. Your son may be more resilient than you think.

It's probably also be a good idea to talk with a Lawyer about your options. Mine told me that as a SAHM, I have a good chance of getting 50% of STBXH's income for CS and SS. With your son's special needs and homeschooling, you might be able to get more than you think. My state, IL, also has the option of legal separation. Even if you stay with WH, you'll know more about your options.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Divorced 11/18/2014

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1973 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Brandon808
♂ 35619
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I tried that when I learned of my xww's A the first time. To me it's not a question of coming to terms with the A. It's a question of healing. Can you heal and can your M heal? Do you see that as possible?


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4103 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
GraceisGood
♀ 17686
Member # 17686
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The A can be a deal breaker and you can still stay in the M if you choose.

You have the choice to build a new relationship with your WS if you choose.

For me, the old M is gone, what is now is whatever I choose to make of it. The infidelity and all the lies, etc, did break the M, there is only a M here on paper, what we have is not what we HAD to be sure. I hate how we got here, but I am grateful for the freedom that has come due to the growth I have had to go through to create what I want and not have to follow any pre conceived M "rules" or expectations anymore.

What I wonder for you though, is what about your WS? Is your WS working on growing and healing? Is he offering you anything other than just keeping the family unit together? If so, can you work with that to create a new relationship that you can be content/happy with?

grace


We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

Posts: 3472 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: how far the east is from the west
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

what a great topic!
I feel that his first affair was not a dealbreaker. But his second affair and the mistreatment that ensued was a dealbreaker.

that said, I'm not sure I want a new marriage. What I want is to weave the trauma into our life and not have it affect me so much. I don't know if I can do it.
He's being great now so I'm giving it a try. I'm reasonably sure he won't hurt me again. I'm very sure I'll leave if he does. But what happened was so big it permeates my existence. I wish I could shut that off.
Doubt leaving would help either.... I'd just be healing from being divorced then....

I'd sure like to have peace in my life though.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5529 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
devasted30
♀ 39439
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe this is a crazy question, but, do you still love your WS?
Probably not if you're pretty sure it's a deal breaker. I always said it would be with me, but now, here I am. Why, because I love my husband - and also, because he is showing remorse etc and doing everything that needs to be done. That being said, it is not easy. It's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I'm 50% responsible that my marriage failed enough that my WS had to go out looking for affection - in fact, I'm 100% responsible for that. A very expensive learned...yes, he's 100% responsible for cheating - he should have talked to me, but, he's a confrontation avoider and even though I didn't really realize it, I knew that he was kinda unhappy and not in a great place but I had no idea how bad a place he was really in.
So, back to my original question, do you still love your WS? If so, I think in time you might think differently if he is finally, really remorseful and trying to make up for everything. Only time will let you know.


And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1382 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
Arais
♀ 33628
Member # 33628
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Dealbreaking can be a process.I think for some it is immediate but for others it happens over a period of time.
I know that the A was a deal breaker for me. But like you all I am still here. But I am not really here, I live here and I get on with every day things but on the inside I left a long time ago. So why haven't I moved out and on? I don't know. What I know now is that I am going through a process. I am here today and I don't know what choice I will make tomorrow about being here. That is how I live now. I don't see a future and I don't feel a future but somewhere deep down I must believe it's possible. The marriage we had is well and truly gone. My WH only recently acknowledged that he believes me about this. He wanted so badly for me to forgive and forget so that our marriage, that was a good one, could survive. That meant that I kept loving him the way I used to. Nope. Our MC told me that she believed it was possible to love and respect him again. I think part of me is waiting to see if that is true before I throw away my whole life with him and the security of our kids. So I am taking my time to decide if it is a real deal breaker and not just a temporary one that has left me in this awful state of indifference limbo.


EA 18 years ago - found out and ?NC
LTA - 2005-2011 with same woman
DD 2011

Posts: 346 | Registered: Oct 2011
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

do you still love your WS?

I really think this is beside the point. Most ppl here were moving along merrily in their marriage when they were blindsided. I'm guess if you would have asked them one minute before they found out if they loved their spouse, the answer would be yes.
I'm not sure that would change on a dime but maybe.

I love my husband. But I need to love myself more. And that will determine where I need to be.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5529 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
BeyondBreaking
♀ 38020
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I completely can relate.

I find the A a completely unforgivable mistake. It took me a year to realize that I wasn't going to be able to forgive and move on in the way that H wanted me to, however. In that time- life happened. I feel that staying in the marriage is the best choice for me and my family and I have no intention on leaving.

I realized that for the most part, H is working on himself. He has moved on, he is well behaved, he respects me. I realized that there is nothing he can give that will fix what he broke.

I use the vase analogy- he cracked my favorite vase. He said sorry, fixed his rough-housing behavior that caused him to break the vase, and glued the vase back together as best he could. Day by day, it is still a functional vase that holds flowers and is fine. But step back, and all I see is this huge crack right down the center.

I don't want to go to the store and buy a new vase for a whole variety of reasons. It is expensive to do so. I don't like shopping. It's inconvenient. My daughter will notice I threw out the broken vase and get upset. Yes, I know, all of those excuses are just that- excuses. But they are valid to me, and that is what matters. So I live in a house with a vase that has a crack, and it will always have a crack and it is what it is.

My trick has been taking things day by day, and trying to avoid looking at the big picture. Venting here when I am upset. And finding things that I can do that make ME happy- in the marriage or otherwise. I LOVE working in the garden. It settles me, calms my soul, and makes me happy. Find something you do love and focus on doing that. I have found that when other areas of my life are happy, having a marriage that is "fine" is okay with me.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

beyondbreaking - poignant post. great analogy.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5529 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Kierst13
♀ 39197
Member # 39197
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, one thing my WS affair taught me, was that I cannot and will not live a lie. I will be true to me and teach my children to be true to themselves and their values.

Staying with a cheater for anything less than love, respect and devotion compromises me and my values, so I cannot do it.

[This message edited by Kierst13 at 1:35 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]


Story in my profile
He lied, I gave the gift of R
He became the model remorseful WS...all while lying and seeing her
Am I done? Yes I am!

Posts: 347 | Registered: May 2013
crazyblindsided
♀ 35215
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BeyondBreaking thank you and what a wonderful topic OP.

I do feel my WH's treatment of me and the continuation of his A after Dday was a dealbreaker. The A was not. I too see my old M as dead. My WH tells me our M is alive and I wonder what relationship he is living in.

GraceisGood you summed up exactly how I feel.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Ostrich80
34827
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The A was not a dealbreaker but the continuing of it is. I have reasons to that persuade me to stay. Somedays I do think, eff it, whatever, I'm too tired to start over and I minimize what he did.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5242 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
LadyQ
♀ 32847
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I worked very hard for well over a year to convince myself it wasn't a deal-breaker. In the end, the affair I caught him in really wasn't a deal-breaker. It was all the damage done by the lying, TT, rug-sweeping, false R that did me in.


Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
doggiediva
♀ 33806
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The A wasn't immediately a deal breaker for me either..It was the blame shifting, the anger and WH wanting to call the shots of R his way as if he was the injured and entitled party..
Given that the marriage was a difficult one at best, the aftermath of the WH's A with his un remorseful attitude was the deal breaker for me..
Trying to nice an angry un remorseful person back into the M didn't work with me, it felt like I was pouring acid on my wounded broken heart...It just wasn't worth it to save the M..


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1355 | Registered: Nov 2011
ladies_first
♀ 24643
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I fear separating would devastate him, just the logistics of getting him enrolled in even a specialized school and me re-entering the work force and being able to still get him to his weekly therapy sessions would be way to much for him.

It's overwhelming because it's so "big" that you don't know where to start.

Just start by setting small, achievable goals.

*re-entering the work force: I will send out 5 resumes a week (or whatever personal goal you set)

*his weekly therapy sessions: Spend one hour a week calling state and local government agencies who support children with his sensory and emotional issues. You just need to find one new resource to make your life easier and his life better.

*getting him enrolled in even a specialized school: see above. Just research possibilities. Can he attend field trips and not be enrolled as a student? Can he join after-school sports? (I'm just dreaming here, but that's the point.)

Think outside of the box. Look at you "problems" from a new perspective.

You don't have to fix everything at once; just make it your daily goal to MAKE THINGS A LITTLE BIT BETTER.



"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
doggiediva
♀ 33806
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like ladies_first's post about tackling the big problems by breaking them down into small chunks..

This kind of advice resonates with me...I know I feel better and a little bit more empowered when I do something healthy and happy to make my day better..

Sometimes I am doing this subconsciously..

For me my daily goal can be as simple as getting out of the house and walking around the marina or the zoo on a cool breezy day.. I come back home feeling more refreshed and rested..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:04 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1355 | Registered: Nov 2011
married2stranger
♀ 34492
Member # 34492
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all so much for your replies. It is kind of comforting to know other people feel or are going through something similar and I''m not alone (as twisted as that may be ) I suspect most BS''S have that need to know your not the 1st or only person to ever feel the way you are feeling?

Like I said we are in the middle of A season dday 1 was October 22nd 2011 and dday 2 when I discovered the A went under ground and AP 2 is Nov 4th, so the inbetween time is rough for me. A major issue I have in moving forward or even reaching acceptance is because after 1st dday I attempted to OD (I was suicidal prior to discovery and I have struggled with major depressive disorder most of my life ) I was hospitalized for the following week. While I was in the hospital WH contacted AP 1 communicating for several hours every night and pushed further with AP 2.

The day I was released I was so optimistic, I got my hair cut and styled bought a new outfit and we went on a date. I thought we would be okay. I put in a ton of effort into changing the parts of me I didn''t like and learning about communication and trying to do more (the cliche be the best wife possible ) but when I discovered AP2 on 2nd dday, something changed in me, in the way I NOW saw him. The continued contact with AP1 didn''t even register until almost there next week.

I continued trying to improve my communication and learn everything I could about healthy relationships and got my "PHD in affairocology " but he continued to TT through the next 6 months, he did IC as did I for a while and a few MC sessions, I didn''t think the therapist was experienced enough in A issues. MC was also WH IC and he thought she was wonderful.

After that we just sort of stopped discussing it , for reasons that I helped create. Getting so agitated when talking about the a, how vague he was when I asked questions. I felt like I was trying to Pry info from a 2 year old. I lost my temper WAY TO OFTEN.

So now it''s 2 years later, our lives are more stressful and complicated than ever, and we get along okay for the most part, somedays we avoid each other, some days I am sad and he alternates between being supportive /understanding /remorseful.... or, irritated at me for "dwelling on the past " , or ignore me and pretend he hasn''t noticed I''m upset. However, he has become a much more involved father to our son, he has been working on his anger issues, that have always been an issue for us, I can even acknowledge on occasion when he does thought full loving things for me, specifically he took the day off work on Dday 1 this year, although he never informed me his reasons for taking off on that day, once I put it together I expressed to him my appreciation for him doing so, and I have been trying to focus on all the positive changes.

But, I can''t help that after thought "why now, why not then" I have become so sinister and I try so hard to not be. WH was my first and only, we have been together since I was 16years old and it always felt like I got the FAIRYTALE (married my HS SWEETHEART, my first and only...and I was so proud of that. Now it just feels like my happily ever after has been stolen. I honestly believe I will never get over THAT!

Devastated - you asked if I love my WH still. That is really hard to answer, because I have only ever "been in love " with WH, I AM NOT SURE IF I DO LOVE HIM? I love him as the father of my child and as a great provider to my family, but I don''t feel the same way about him that I did. I know many BS''S say they have a different love after the A, so "in love " I''m not sure, but I honestly don''t think I am IN LOVE with him anymore.

Ladies first - I appreciate your suggestion, thank you. But I think I might need to focus 1st on getting care (school and therapy) for my DS before committing to re-entering the work force. I do receive disability and use all the state and federal assistant that there is available to us. There are no public school system in our district that will be able to help with his needs. He was basically expelled from 2nd grade (which was the primary reason we started homeschooling him. The school was reacting to my sons anxiety attacks from sensory overload as a behavior problem, the only alternative public school is an alternative learning center in which 1st thru 5th grade are in the same room and is very structured and stern, the program is mostly for trouble kids and bullies, two therapists advised against sending him there and both recommend he be home schooled while in therapy.

Since he receives Chip /insurance I was just informed the center he goes to for therapy is shutting down due to the new insurance policy. (I''m not sure how the changes effect them) they have provided alternative centers in the city that offers similar services and I am thankfull for the referrals, but it will be a while until my son will be comfortable with anyone unfamiliar. So that is basically why I have not put the effort into finding employment. Who knows how often I would have to request to be gone from a job I was JUST hired on.

I know this response is long and ALL OVER THE PLACE . Night time is the worst for me, I really appreciate everyone's advice and concern.

[This message edited by married2stranger at 10:45 PM, October 30th, 2013 (Wednesday)]


D-Day - 10/22/2011
Married 5/29/2004 together 13years!

(Me)"I've been called worse"....
(WH)"Oh yeah, like what?"
(Me)"YOUR wife!!!"


Posts: 135 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Limbo Land
Topic Posts: 18

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