Some days I think he would be better off with two emotionally available parents who were separated, but on other days I fear separating would devastate him, just the logistics of getting him enrolled in even a specialized school and me re-entering the work force and being able to still get him to his weekly therapy sessions would be way to much for him.
So I wonder if anyone else has been able to live with or come to terms with the A being a dealbreaker but staying M was the best option.
How to make the best of a bad situation?
(Me)"I've been called worse"....
(WH)"Oh yeah, like what?"
It's probably also be a good idea to talk with a Lawyer about your options. Mine told me that as a SAHM, I have a good chance of getting 50% of STBXH's income for CS and SS. With your son's special needs and homeschooling, you might be able to get more than you think. My state, IL, also has the option of legal separation. Even if you stay with WH, you'll know more about your options.
Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
You have the choice to build a new relationship with your WS if you choose.
For me, the old M is gone, what is now is whatever I choose to make of it. The infidelity and all the lies, etc, did break the M, there is only a M here on paper, what we have is not what we HAD to be sure. I hate how we got here, but I am grateful for the freedom that has come due to the growth I have had to go through to create what I want and not have to follow any pre conceived M "rules" or expectations anymore.
What I wonder for you though, is what about your WS? Is your WS working on growing and healing? Is he offering you anything other than just keeping the family unit together? If so, can you work with that to create a new relationship that you can be content/happy with?
that said, I'm not sure I want a new marriage. What I want is to weave the trauma into our life and not have it affect me so much. I don't know if I can do it.
He's being great now so I'm giving it a try. I'm reasonably sure he won't hurt me again. I'm very sure I'll leave if he does. But what happened was so big it permeates my existence. I wish I could shut that off.
Doubt leaving would help either.... I'd just be healing from being divorced then....
I'd sure like to have peace in my life though.
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Never be so focused on what you're looking for that you overlook the thing you actually find.”
do you still love your WS?
I really think this is beside the point. Most ppl here were moving along merrily in their marriage when they were blindsided. I'm guess if you would have asked them one minute before they found out if they loved their spouse, the answer would be yes.
I'm not sure that would change on a dime but maybe.
I love my husband. But I need to love myself more. And that will determine where I need to be.
I find the A a completely unforgivable mistake. It took me a year to realize that I wasn't going to be able to forgive and move on in the way that H wanted me to, however. In that time- life happened. I feel that staying in the marriage is the best choice for me and my family and I have no intention on leaving.
I realized that for the most part, H is working on himself. He has moved on, he is well behaved, he respects me. I realized that there is nothing he can give that will fix what he broke.
I use the vase analogy- he cracked my favorite vase. He said sorry, fixed his rough-housing behavior that caused him to break the vase, and glued the vase back together as best he could. Day by day, it is still a functional vase that holds flowers and is fine. But step back, and all I see is this huge crack right down the center.
I don't want to go to the store and buy a new vase for a whole variety of reasons. It is expensive to do so. I don't like shopping. It's inconvenient. My daughter will notice I threw out the broken vase and get upset. Yes, I know, all of those excuses are just that- excuses. But they are valid to me, and that is what matters. So I live in a house with a vase that has a crack, and it will always have a crack and it is what it is.
My trick has been taking things day by day, and trying to avoid looking at the big picture. Venting here when I am upset. And finding things that I can do that make ME happy- in the marriage or otherwise. I LOVE working in the garden. It settles me, calms my soul, and makes me happy. Find something you do love and focus on doing that. I have found that when other areas of my life are happy, having a marriage that is "fine" is okay with me.
"What did you expect? I am a scorpion."
Staying with a cheater for anything less than love, respect and devotion compromises me and my values, so I cannot do it.
[This message edited by Kierst13 at 1:35 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]
I do feel my WH's treatment of me and the continuation of his A after Dday was a dealbreaker. The A was not. I too see my old M as dead. My WH tells me our M is alive and I wonder what relationship he is living in.
GraceisGood you summed up exactly how I feel.
I fear separating would devastate him, just the logistics of getting him enrolled in even a specialized school and me re-entering the work force and being able to still get him to his weekly therapy sessions would be way to much for him.
Just start by setting small, achievable goals.
*re-entering the work force: I will send out 5 resumes a week (or whatever personal goal you set)
*his weekly therapy sessions: Spend one hour a week calling state and local government agencies who support children with his sensory and emotional issues. You just need to find one new resource to make your life easier and his life better.
*getting him enrolled in even a specialized school: see above. Just research possibilities. Can he attend field trips and not be enrolled as a student? Can he join after-school sports? (I'm just dreaming here, but that's the point.)
Think outside of the box. Look at you "problems" from a new perspective.
You don't have to fix everything at once; just make it your daily goal to MAKE THINGS A LITTLE BIT BETTER.
This kind of advice resonates with me...I know I feel better and a little bit more empowered when I do something healthy and happy to make my day better..
Sometimes I am doing this subconsciously..
For me my daily goal can be as simple as getting out of the house and walking around the marina or the zoo on a cool breezy day.. I come back home feeling more refreshed and rested..
[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:04 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]
Like I said we are in the middle of A season dday 1 was October 22nd 2011 and dday 2 when I discovered the A went under ground and AP 2 is Nov 4th, so the inbetween time is rough for me. A major issue I have in moving forward or even reaching acceptance is because after 1st dday I attempted to OD (I was suicidal prior to discovery and I have struggled with major depressive disorder most of my life ) I was hospitalized for the following week. While I was in the hospital WH contacted AP 1 communicating for several hours every night and pushed further with AP 2.
The day I was released I was so optimistic, I got my hair cut and styled bought a new outfit and we went on a date. I thought we would be okay. I put in a ton of effort into changing the parts of me I didn''t like and learning about communication and trying to do more (the cliche be the best wife possible ) but when I discovered AP2 on 2nd dday, something changed in me, in the way I NOW saw him. The continued contact with AP1 didn''t even register until almost there next week.
I continued trying to improve my communication and learn everything I could about healthy relationships and got my "PHD in affairocology " but he continued to TT through the next 6 months, he did IC as did I for a while and a few MC sessions, I didn''t think the therapist was experienced enough in A issues. MC was also WH IC and he thought she was wonderful.
After that we just sort of stopped discussing it , for reasons that I helped create. Getting so agitated when talking about the a, how vague he was when I asked questions. I felt like I was trying to Pry info from a 2 year old. I lost my temper WAY TO OFTEN.
So now it''s 2 years later, our lives are more stressful and complicated than ever, and we get along okay for the most part, somedays we avoid each other, some days I am sad and he alternates between being supportive /understanding /remorseful.... or, irritated at me for "dwelling on the past " , or ignore me and pretend he hasn''t noticed I''m upset. However, he has become a much more involved father to our son, he has been working on his anger issues, that have always been an issue for us, I can even acknowledge on occasion when he does thought full loving things for me, specifically he took the day off work on Dday 1 this year, although he never informed me his reasons for taking off on that day, once I put it together I expressed to him my appreciation for him doing so, and I have been trying to focus on all the positive changes.
But, I can''t help that after thought "why now, why not then" I have become so sinister and I try so hard to not be. WH was my first and only, we have been together since I was 16years old and it always felt like I got the FAIRYTALE (married my HS SWEETHEART, my first and only...and I was so proud of that. Now it just feels like my happily ever after has been stolen. I honestly believe I will never get over THAT!
Devastated - you asked if I love my WH still. That is really hard to answer, because I have only ever "been in love " with WH, I AM NOT SURE IF I DO LOVE HIM? I love him as the father of my child and as a great provider to my family, but I don''t feel the same way about him that I did. I know many BS''S say they have a different love after the A, so "in love " I''m not sure, but I honestly don''t think I am IN LOVE with him anymore.
Ladies first - I appreciate your suggestion, thank you. But I think I might need to focus 1st on getting care (school and therapy) for my DS before committing to re-entering the work force. I do receive disability and use all the state and federal assistant that there is available to us. There are no public school system in our district that will be able to help with his needs. He was basically expelled from 2nd grade (which was the primary reason we started homeschooling him. The school was reacting to my sons anxiety attacks from sensory overload as a behavior problem, the only alternative public school is an alternative learning center in which 1st thru 5th grade are in the same room and is very structured and stern, the program is mostly for trouble kids and bullies, two therapists advised against sending him there and both recommend he be home schooled while in therapy.
Since he receives Chip /insurance I was just informed the center he goes to for therapy is shutting down due to the new insurance policy. (I''m not sure how the changes effect them) they have provided alternative centers in the city that offers similar services and I am thankfull for the referrals, but it will be a while until my son will be comfortable with anyone unfamiliar. So that is basically why I have not put the effort into finding employment. Who knows how often I would have to request to be gone from a job I was JUST hired on.
I know this response is long and ALL OVER THE PLACE . Night time is the worst for me, I really appreciate everyone's advice and concern.
[This message edited by married2stranger at 10:45 PM, October 30th, 2013 (Wednesday)]