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Pass posted 10/29/2013 23:26 PM

I had an appointment with my shrink today. I was talking about the latest adventure in parenting with that fucking buffoon (Thread title: "Who is taking care of my kids", I think). He asked if I'm still mad. My answer was "Oh fuck yeah!"

So he suggested that I write a letter to her (that I will never give to her), telling all the things I'm pissed off about. Being a bit compulsive, I started out in point form, which I will then organize into categories, which I will then organize into paragraphs of the ultimate Fuck You letter.

Holy fuck are there ever a lot of points! I was going to wait and post the letter on here, but I've just finished the points (probably not though), and am now too pissed off to sleep. I'm hoping the process of posting it on here will help me to calm down enough to sleep.

Please don't feel you need to read all these ramblings, I just wanted to cast it away in hopes that sleep will take me. Thanks!

She cheated on me. Possible physical and emotional affairs throughout our entire marriage.

She denies all cheating, even the things I caught her in.

She has bounced back, doesn't even seem to care that the marriage ended.

She has always dictated rules, then chosen to not have them apply to her. Eg. Don't date for two years; don't introduce to the kids for a year; don't leer at members of opposite sex.

She wasn't worried about warning signs of the neighbour grooming 10. I had to step in and make her take action, and ended up doing most of it myself.

She is moody, and doesn't care if her bad moods hurt others. Now that I'm not in the house, she throws these moods at 13.

She has never been involved in the boys' music lessons, making them practice.

She NEVER initiated hugs, kisses, sex, I-love-yous, even after I told her (many times) that this made me feel unloved. Since I was the only one initiating, I was the only one who was ever rejected.

Anytime I got mad at her, she would either have a tantrum, or a crying fit.

Anytime I suggested that she was doing something incorrectly, she would get pissed at me.

She was unwilling to work on saving our marriage after I discovered her cheating. She tried VERY hard, until I said I wanted to save the marriage, then she went back to being cold and doing whatever the hell she pleased.

She said it would make HER feel unloved if I ever snooped again for evidence of cheating.

Whenever someone complimented me, she took it to be an insult against her, and would lash out against me.

She has told none of her family, friends, neighbours about her infidelities. They all think I left her after she tenderly nursed me back to health from my suicide attempt. She is getting set up with guys by her neighbours.

I can't see any of my running room friends anymore.

I didn't keep up with friends when I was married, just hung with her friends. Now none of her friends want anything to do with me.

She never gave a shit about our anniversaries, but posted a long mushy "running anniversary" message on her fb wall to one of her running friends.

She confessed to my shrink that she felt very loved because I told her every day that I love her and think she's beautiful. I had to fish for every single compliment I got.

She said she wished I could just go out and fuck somebody so that I would feel good after discovering her cheating, as she did being invited into a threesome. That's a stupid thing to say.

Whenever we couldn't afford something, she would pout and say, "I hate my life". Because of this, I was worried about HER committing suicide. That's why I kept my tax debt a secret.

She was constantly worrying about the things we didn't have, comparing our house, cars, and lives to people who were older and had better jobs.


She flirted with everyone, even when I was standing right there. I pretended it didn't bother me because I thought she would see jealousy as a weakness.

She would expect me to get the house ready and do all the cooking whenever we had company over. If it was her friends, she would be cheerful about it; if it was my friends, she would be pissed off and make a list of chores I had to complete before they arrived.

She was in a bad mood, and would act distant whenever we hung with my family.

She assumed that because I was self-employed, I was being selfish if I didn't make time during the workday to do things she thought should be done right away.

She always bitched about needing more "alone time", saying that I had all the alone time I wanted because I was self-employed. I have no idea what she did during that alone time.

She told me that - despite the fact I'm considered the best in the country at what I do - the only reason she isn't better is because she doesn't want to be.

She criticized my music. Said she could be a better musician if she felt like trying to be.

She criticized the format I used for writing down lyrics and chords for songs I was learning. Why'n fuck would she care?

She added to my insecurities and poor self esteem. Prolonging my depression, and making it worse, until suicide seemed the logical thing to do.

The ONE TIME I got in a fight with her mom and dad - even though I was right - she made me apologize.


Gemini71 posted 10/29/2013 23:43 PM

Wow, what a bitch!! I'm pissed at her on your behalf.

ninebark posted 10/30/2013 06:06 AM

I felt your pain in that list. Makes me want to go write one too.

I hope it helps you deal with some of that anger. You deserve so much better!.

Thefly559 posted 10/30/2013 06:39 AM

Dam brother , it sounds exactly like my list. I am sorry. Our stbxww are so similar in actions. It's scary. I journaled a lot to pass through the pain. It helped greatly. I wish you the best. Stay strong

SBB posted 10/30/2013 06:41 AM

Get it out friend.

I want to send you support - I want you to know you've been heard. If you can find a punching bag tonight I'd highly recommend you get out some of the rage.

Man, that was hard to read. I was nodding my head at so many of them.

I did the same exact exercise myself and it was enormously cathartic. Just getting all of these unsaid things that were buzzing around my brain OUT (categorised too! Ha - I have useful OCD too) helped enormously. They lost their steam once I named them.

After the initial raging at him I started seeing how much of ME was in there. Then I got REALLY mad at him. Once that faded I got REALLY mad at myself. I'm still a little mad at myself TBH.

This phenomena is written about in the book "Journey from Abandonment to Healing". It is a normal stage. It sucks.

I was sick and he was a part of my sickness. I taught him how to treat me. By my tolerance, acceptance, love, hope, patience and understanding I taught him that the way he treated me was OK.

It took me a long time to be OK with this realisation.

Now, that is not to say they aren't broken, fucked up arseholes for doing what they did - what the do now. This does not absolve them of ANY responsibility.

But when we've been on this road for some time there is definitely a point where we all start shining the torch on our part in allowing them to abuse us.

You're well on your way, pass. I know it doesn't feel like it but the anger is a good and useful tool. It will help you start detaching even when your heart is not quite ready (despite your best efforts).

You deserve so much better. I'm so glad you're actually feeling that now.


Nature_Girl posted 10/30/2013 11:13 AM

Your list hurts me to read. I'm so sorry, man.

StillLivin posted 10/30/2013 11:55 AM

She added to my insecurities and poor self esteem. Prolonging my depression, and making it worse, until suicide seemed the logical thing to do.

I'm glad you are no longer letting her add to your insecurities. One day, you will have a wonderful human being who appreciates you in your life. You will look back on these days and wonder why you wasted so much energy on a big fat loser!

Williesmom posted 10/30/2013 12:01 PM

I'm sorry.

You forgot the best part of the list: She is not your problem anymore. Woot!

Pass posted 10/30/2013 14:01 PM

Thanks, y'all. Yep, nobody will ever love her as much as I did.

... and that's good, because she doesn't fucking deserve it.

StillLivin posted 10/30/2013 14:02 PM

... and that's good, because she doesn't fucking deserve it.


7yrsflushed posted 10/30/2013 14:12 PM

People like your EX ALWAYS get what's coming to them. They are usually too dense to realize there life is in the toilet but it does go in the toilet eventually. People like your EX, they don't even realize how fucked up they are. Seriously just sit back and watch. If you can get to indifference you will likely get one hell of a show as her life implodes all around her over time and she will be clueless to it blaming it on everyone else.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 2:13 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]

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