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Shocked2believe posted 10/30/2013 04:21 AM

Woke up yesterday morning feeling rather down. Think woman's intuition kicking in..... So last night I find receipt to a restaurant for a meal (paid for himself only) on a night he told me he was going to work overtime, which I believed. He never bothered to mention that it was cancelled and he chose to go have dinner with his work two other work colleagues and the OW -"the crew" as he likes to call them. So I confront him last night about it and he says he didn't tell me because look how I'm reacting now, so if he'd told me he knew what my reaction would be...... He also tells me he's annoyed that I'm continuously brining this up and can't let it go. Seriously? And I'm just happy days with all the deceit and untruths? Why don't they see the pain they put us through?

Oh, and according to him, he's not done anything 'really bad' like have a PA as a EA is NOT serious and he remains 'friends' with this OW. Apparently, 'if he and I remain together, I'm going to be thinking what a fool I was for making it more than it realky is, in a couple of months time. Really?

*Please forgive mistakes as typed on phone.*

summerain posted 10/30/2013 04:53 AM

I'm really not experienced in this type of situation. That said I have experienced infidelity and my husband knew I would KICK his arse to the curb if he ever contacted Ow1 or 2.

Ow1 and 2 both have tried to be 'friends', been pyschos etc.

But you know what, he hasn't bitten at all. I wish he hated them, but he's indifferent (apparently that's ideal anyway). You will hit a point when enough is enough.

Nature girl (a awesome member of this forum) when my wh and I were experiencing DV, answered my question to 'when is it enough' painted it visually for me. That was the breaking point for me. I know I won't accept it anymore and he knows it and for 6 months nothing.

So I want to do it for you

Imagine he's sitting next to her at the table and he's got his hand on her leg, slowly moving up...

How do you know that doesn't happen

How do you know that one day you will arrive home earlier and he's fucking her in your bed?

Okay I'm not as good as it as Nature Girl, but the point is you only know your breaking point. Either way he's disrespecting you disastrously and you are worth more than what you are saying your worth to him.

And he sounds like a fuckhead btw. I mean mine has said things like "moving forward" "our future looks bright" to try and shut me up. But if he ever said that...

He would have a deathwish.

devasted30 posted 10/30/2013 05:08 AM

Have you had him read the book, Not Just Friends?
It might give him a little insight into how dangerous this "friendship" could be. Maybe he isn't feeling those type of feelings towards his "friend, CW", but she might be looking at him a lot differently than he thinks. It's definitely worth a try.

Lovedyoumore posted 10/30/2013 10:03 AM

Sounds just like my H after the EA DDay. He thought I was just so uncool. After all, men and women have to work together in close relationships these days. I was being old fashioned and controlling for trying to stop their special friendship. She was 20 years younger and he was her mentor and best friend. He finally agreed to distance himself with only professional dealing. I thought. They agreed to keep it secret. As soon as my H agreed to keep it secret, OW knew he was ripe for PA. She turned it up and within 6weeks they were in a PA.

I wish I had put my bitch boots on as soon as I knew about their friendship. It might have saved me from this hell and my H might have come out of the fog sooner.

This is your H's problem, but the nature of the A beast sometimes requires aggressive intervention. Do not let him make you accept his poor boundary behavior.

[This message edited by Lovedyoumore at 10:04 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)]

Shocked2believe posted 10/30/2013 11:20 AM

Thank you Lauren123 for your input. I have often wonder when my time of "I can't do this anymore" will arrive? I'm must obviously be a bit of a sadist and have not hit my breaking point yet! The fact that he doesn't think that a EA is as hurtful and painful as any other A says a lot too.

Lovedyoumore, you are absolutely correct, I should be putting on my bitch boots but something is still holding me back and I can't tell you what it is...... still need to do some serious soul searching to find what defines 'ME' rather than what define 'US'. I've started reading "Not just friends" but there is no way I'll be able to get him to read it as he had no interest and is convinced he hasn't behaved badly. Lots of soul searching to do...... Thank you all for reading my vent and support that you give.

alifeforesaken posted 10/30/2013 11:29 AM

(((HUGS)))

My situation is related in that it was certainly and EA, not yet sure about PA, but I can sense similar undertones to how my WH responds to questions. It is still very new for me and he says he wants to R, but I am not convinced he knows what that means. I so wish I could put on my bitch boots too and I like you have no idea what's stopping me. I am waiting to read that book also, so arrive tomorrow. WH is trying, its slow, I hope yours can come around and realize his behavior is unacceptable. Having found this site has been a huge help in keeping my sanity lately, I hope you find some solace and advice here that can help you get where you want to be.

StillLivin posted 10/30/2013 11:32 AM

I hope this gives you more perspective. In a M, we must respect each other's boundaries.
When we first got married, something had bothered my husband that I thought was absolutely ridiculous (doesn't really matter what it was...). However, because it bothered my H, I felt that I should still respect his wishes. Many times throughout our marriage, something has bothered one of us. Up until his A, we both respected that fact that if the other felt disrespected, then it didn't matter what the actual issue was, mutual respect had to take over.
It shouldn't matter what the issue is. If it bothers you, then he shouldn't do it, period. It wouldn't even matter if he were right...in this case he is assininely incorrect (BTW).
So the questions you should be asking yourself, why would I be with someone who doesn't respect my wishes or feelings? Do I want to continue allowing somebody to blatantly disrespect how I feel? If him eating green lollipops bothers you, then he shouldn't f...ing eat green lollipops.